Fiance is unequivocally cheating, but will not admit to anything! ):

Question

i've been with my fiance a little over thirteen months. when we met, we hit it off so fast and he was my first love. we spent hours talking on the phone and saying how we couldnt wait to start a real life together. about 10 months into our relationship i became pregnant. i was overwhelmed but nonetheless very excited, but my boyfriend not so much. he told me if i didnt get rid of it he was going to leave me. i am AGAINST abortion but did so anyway because i could not handle a baby on my own. a month or so prior i was raped by a coworker and since that event, my boyfriend turned into a completely different person. he, to this day, tells me how dirty and S****y i am for letting it happen. i found out after the pregnancy that he had cheated on me with at least three women, kissing as far as i know. i found old messsages between he and his ex speaking very explicitly to one another. i was outraged and he denied the cheating and the messages after i even showed him, "OH SOMEONE MUST HAVE GOTTEN ONTO MY ACCOUNT. GODD*MN IT YOU'RE SO ANNOYING." even with the proof i still managed to believe him. just a week ago he went to the beach with his buddies and i didnt speak to him very much. well he visited me at work his day back and asked me to marry him and i said yes. i found out yesterday that he cheated on me AGAIN at the beach. he told a girl he loved her, gave her a bracelet, and said they would somehow be together. (she lived hours away) this was not the same man i met a year ago, he has completely changed and i'm really hurting. the obvious answer to this is a break up but i need advice because its so hard for me to do so. i cant sleep and i cant focus, and i already have severe depression. how can i make this man understand that what he has he can't find anywhere else?

Answer 1

These are your mistakes, dear,

Letting him force you into an abortion...NOT his choice  and half his fault.

Thinking he's changed..he hasn't. he's always been that way. It's just now he 'sure' of you so he's laxed up on showing just his best side.

Staying with him...why? He will not stop cheating-do you think so little of yourself.

Letting him blame you for the rape...WTF..blame the victim? That alone would have made me drop kick his sorry @ss and the relationship into next Tuesday-and proves by his cheating and attitude toward the attack that he views you and women as things to be used, property that can be 'tainted' Thur no fault of their own...disgusting.

And lastly, you can't make him understand, because his opinion of women is so low so he figures he can find what he wants anytime he wants in any female....don't waste your emotion on him.

Answer 2

You have made this man the main focus in your life.  Right now, you are placing all of your pain on this one area in your life.  While reading your question, I could not help but feel the weight of all the life changing traumas you have experienced in a very short time.  Pregnancy, being coerced into abortion, rape, your boyfriend's abuse, your boyfriend's infidelity -- this man has done nothing but invalidate you.  And yet, he is your main focus, the only source of comfort you are willing to wait for and accept.  

You are trying to make him understand something that is not important to him.  No matter how much you try to tell him, convince him, beg him, manipulate him, he is not going to understand because he doesn't want to understand.

The past thirteen months have been hard on you ... and you are counting on someone to emotionally support you, someone you can depend on while trying to deal with all that has happened.  Instead, he cheats, calls you names, convinces you to go against your morals and beliefs to end a life you created together.

Think about all that.  I have just mirrored to you what you stated in your question.  I suggest you call a rape crisis hotline, explain your situation, and allow them to guide you to someone who can help you.  You also need counseling for the abortion, and you need someone to help you re-build the self esteem your boyfriend is slowly sucking the life out of.

Best wishes.

edit:  how old are you?  how old is your boyfriend?  If you are both under age, I suggest you talk to your parents.  You are very young and in an abusive relationship, this is not a great way to start your adult life.  Your parents need to know what is going on here.  If you can't talk with your parents, maybe talk to a cousin, aunt, family friend -- talk to someone.

Answer 3

Do Not Marry Someone Who Cheated On You... Let Alone At Least 3 Or More Times.

& If He Told You To Get Rid Of Your Baby, Then Thats Basically Him Controlling Your Life & Telling You What To Do.

If You Have Only Been With Him For 13 Months & This Much Has Happened, Imagine What The Next 10 Years Will Be Like.

You'll Be Setting Yourself Up For A Miserable Life If You Marry Him.

Trust Me, You Will Find Someone Worthy Of Your Love.. & I Don't Think It's With Him.

Good Luck.

Answer 4

why is god's name would you say yes know all of this.  What if you go married and you got pregnant and said to get rid of it.  I think this kid needs to grow up!  Leave him NOW before it gets worse!

Answer 5

It seems that you are full of excuses and you truly enjoy the "victim" seat.

You already have all the proof you need and since he's making you life "oh so miserable"... then why are you holding on? do you enjoy spying on him and making drama over he being with X or y? You love blaming him for all that has happen to you. Sorry, but it's only you the one that can take control of your own life and it's you the one that is making it as bad as it is, you have had poor choices and refuse to take any responsability for your own actions.

Worse still, if he is a bad as you tell he is, then why do you keep on going after him?

Sorry, but it's YOU the one that doesn't get it. He's over you and has moved on, do the same.

Good luck

PS/ The pattern of what you have written has been that you everyone else is to blame, but I can see through this c**p and see that you got pregnant (probably to trap him), you cannot say that you are "ro choice" but someone "forced ou" to have an abortion.. that is a very hypocrytical position, you are just as guilty, and about the "rape", unless he is in jail and you have filed a report, then my guess is that you had s*x with  coworker to get back at him, and when that failed, then resorted in acting as a victim to get attention from him.

You need to get your act together, serioulsy.

Answer 6

You know what you need to do, you've said it yourself. Yes, it IS hard to break up with someone,  but it will be even harder in the long run if you don't. This man is not marriage material AT ALL. He's a scumbag sweetheart, plain and simple. RUN! Run for your life. Seriously! He doesn't love or respect you if he's treating you so unbelievably bad. You deserve better.

It will be hard at first, yes. However, it'll be so very worth it in the long run to be rid of him. Don't prolong the pain, it'll only be worse. End this ASAP.

You'll find someone better who actually does love you. This man obviously does NOT.

Best of luck.

Answer 7

JESUS CHRIST LEAVE HIM!

I'm sorry but if i ever meet your fiancé, can i kick his butt?

HE IS NOT THE MARRIAGE TYPE!

I'm sorry, but you were pregnant. Why wasn't he happy? He's a jerk.

And THEN you were raped? And he blamed YOU?!

OMG girl, i'm gonna kill him.

Seriously the SAW films are nothing compared to what i'm going to do to him!

LEAVE HIM. You deserve much better than him. GET OUT OF THERE!

Be happy with a real man.

EDIT.

I'm adding some more.

I recently split up with my first love. I was so depressed. But then this other boy came along and made me realise how much of a jerk my ex was.

Trust me, if you split up with this man.. yes it may hurt. But its better than getting married to him and for the rest of your life be treated like something he wiped off his shoe and constantly knowing that he's cheating on you!

You deserve a real man. That sympathsises with the abortion and rape. And who is shocked to his core about your EX fiancé. Who wants you to have his children and to be his wife. Who would NEVER hurt you, and treat you like a queen forever. You WILL find someone... i promise.

Answer 8

Take care of yourself and that baby and get away from him!  

Answer 9

i hope this question is fake....but if its not....

LEAVE HIM!!!!!!!!! RUN FAST, RUN FAR, BUT MOSTLY JUST RUN!!!!

Answer 10

A man talking here, and i can honestly say get out of there. He WILL NOT change, however much you might think he will. The fact is every time he gets away with something like this he will be more likely to do it again. The fact that he regarded something as horrific as rape happening to you as your fault, and instead of giving you sympathy he attacked you, shows he is not the sort of man any woman should have to deal with. Get out while you can, this is an abusive relationship and will only get worse. There are good guys out there i promise you and after what you've been through you deserve one. I know it is scary facing the future without someone you obviously love (even if it's hard for us to understand why) especially with him being your first love, but in a few months you can look forward to a much happier, fulfilling life, and find someone who genuinely cares about you rather than just themselves. Noone should have to put up with being treated the way you are.

Answer 11

Im so sorry to hear this. i hope things will go well for you.

You should get help. Did you talk to his parents or your parents about this?

You should you knw.. u cant work on this alone

Btw.. how come your coworker rape u? sigh ..

Your boyfriend must be dissappointed for that happen . he loves u but at the same time is hard for him to let go too.

I think u should confront to him and apologize about that and tell him how much you love him and please dun do that to u.

Its somehow like he is using other girls love and comfort to forget about the incident.

If you still want to be with him then do this but u have to bare with all his demand and threaten in the future cos by the way u tell me he is somehow very sensitive.

People do change girl.

I really hope you can manage the baby alone by yourself than depending on him cause it will make u even more unhappy and if he really truly loves you, he should understand why u got rape and protect you instead .

He is a JERK.. if he loves u he wouldnt feel upset by asking you to get rid of it in the first place is not like you`re too young to get married or sumthing or financially unstable.

You deserved better.

I hope you will find someone better soon who can truly accept you

Answer 12

Get over him.  Move on.

Seriously, this guy isn't worth the time you took to type this.  Your depression issues will only worsen if you stay with this loser.  Speak with your counselor/psychiatrist and move on!

You've only known the guy for a year...that's NOT alot of time invested into a relationship and obviously he's not ready.

Answer 13

He's not the one that needs convincing. Sounds like you need convinced that you need to leave him. Or is it okay that your man cheats on you? Don't think he's going to stop... because he's not. So leave him already!

Answer 14

Hunny, it's going to hurt... but you've just gotta do it.  Make it quick... like a band-aid.  The sooner you cut him out of your life completely, the sooner you can begin to heal.  No pretty words are going to make this easier on you.  You're in love with someone who can never give you what you need or deserve.  You need to move on from this so you can find someone who can love you the way you've always dreamed of.