Fiance smoking - pregnant - opinions?

Question

I stopped the moment I found out I was pregnant - which yes, I know I entirely should have and it is much more important for the mother to stop than the father.

He does pretty good at keeping the smoke away from me. Sometimes he doesnt realize I am around and I get on to him about it and he apologizes and gets away.

I have begged and begged him to stop smoking asap. I finally just said (when I was almost 4 months pregnant) you know what - smoke all you want now but promise me when baby comes you will be done - that was in 6 months. Now baby will be here in 4 months and he is smoking more than ever!

I know that he wont smoke around the baby but that isnt the point. The smell - all over his face and hands, in his clothes - I dont want my newborn breathing that! Our OB AND my fiances cousin who is also a dr both told us that it is crucial to our childs health when it is born to not smoke around him, keep the smell of smoke on his body away from him that even that could cause asthma and respitory problems.

Now when I ask him (which is rare these days bc I get so frustrated) if he is going to quit by the time baby comes he just gets irritated like I am asking for too much and says now that he doesnt even know if he will have quit by then. He will have had almost a year by the time baby gets here. I was a smoker just like him when we got pregnant - I stopped bc I had to, bc I wanted to be a good parent to my child in utero, and until the baby is walking and doesnt require AS MUCH help - I still wont smoke. But I guess I am willing to make more sacrifices than him. Not to mention that we were trying for a child and he said as soon as we got pregnant that he would quit - he fell back on that promise too, obviously.

Do I have a right to be mad? He says that you cant force someone (which I know is true) but I forced myself to and he can too. He says you have to ready to quit (his mom tells me the same thing) and I understand that, but I wasnt ready to quit when we got pregnant -but I knew I needed too... I just feel lied to and hurt through this issue..

Answer 1

     Second hand smoke is just as bad as smoking wiht a cigarette. You have a right to be furious at him. Tell him that smoking near you, no matter how far away he tries to be, can harm your baby and may lead to serious medical conditions. Second hand smoke can be very harmful to you and your baby. Ask him to stop immediately for him, you, and your baby. I am no doctor, haha, but I have had D.A.R.E. in school.

P.S.

     Hope your baby is happy and heathy!! Best wishes!!

Answer 2

I have had 2 babies. I smoked while I was pregnant with the 1st one and even after for a while. There was nothing wrong with him - not even premature! Although he did have some eczema which could apparently be linked to smoking? I didn't smoke with the 2nd (had the odd one here and there at the beginning but then stopped altogether). He is healthy too. I smoke now still on the odd occasion. My husband smoked the whole time with the 1st and just partically with the 2nd. My father and brother in law smoke and the hold the baby, etc, and I don't see it being too bad. If they were smoking around him that would be another story tho.

Also, it's true that your husband will quit when he's ready. Everyone is different and can quit for different reasons. It's an addiction. Maybe he is more hooked then you were?  

Answer 3

At the end of the day, you won't be able to force him to quit. But he needs to see that him smoking is harming his own baby. Kick him outside to smoke for a start-rain or snow. Don't let him even touch your child if he hasn't washed his hands (even changed his clothes) after smoking.

But be honest-tell him you feel like he is letting you AND your child down by not quitting. Tell him how much it hurts and how you don't want your child to smell of second hand smoke all the time. But then leave it-if he isn't willing to quit before your baby is born then he's not going to do it after i'm afraid. Good luck.

Answer 4

It sure is frustrating and I guess anger is part of your emotion, too, since you feel being lied to.

You have said whatever you can said to him about quitting.  And you sound right in every aspect regarding this issue. But you can only leave the issue to him from now on.  If you keep pushing, he will feel more distanced from you and the coming of the baby.  Fathers are more likely to be lack of realistic sense about a baby who is on the way.  After all, they don't have to carry the baby in their body.

As long as he keep the smoke away from you now and from the baby in the future, it should be acceptable. Addiction to nicotine is a very complexed thing and is very difficult to quit, you know it well.  So give him some space. Allowing him to have the freedom to choose to quit (or not) is more likely to make him quit than having someone on his back telling him what to do.

Meanwhile, you still can share your negative feeling with him -frustration, feeling being lied to, etc.  Just be clear about letting this issue go and letting him make his own decision of when or whether to quit smoking at all.  Be careful not to sound accusative.Focus on sharing your feelings and give him a chance to apologize for hurting your feelings.

To summarize it, here are the steps:

1. Tell him it's up to him whether to quit smoking or not, it's his own body anyways. However, just keep it away from you and the baby.

2. Take care of your hurt feelings. Get the apologies you need to hear.

A lot of times when women stop pushing (including words and unspoken attitude), men will come around and do what she wants.

They just need a little space.  Besides, when he sees the baby, he sure will have an eruption of overwhelming emotion toward this magical little person. Just wait and see what he will be willing to do for the little one.