Fiance wants to get married in his church and not my church?

Question

He does not attend church. He wants to get married in his church but not because of his beliefs, its because his mother wants him to get married in her church.

I, on the other hand, attend church and always dreamed of getting married in my church. I do not think its fair that I would get married in his church becuase its his mothers wishes. What should I do?

Answer 1

Is he marrying you or his mother? I would sit down with him, and explain how important your church is to you. If he doesn't feel comfortable getting married there, think of alternative venues that would not include the two churches in question. Assure that your fiance' stands by you, not on Team Mommy before walking down the aisle. My friend found out the hard way that if they don't support you before the wedding, they sure won't support you after.

Answer 2

Instead of fighting over a church, pick out a location that is convenient and mutual for both parties. Possibly a park, beach, even a mutual church.

Answer 3

Talk with him. In my opinion you are in the right, but really, what does the opinion of some random person in Yahoo! Answers mean?

Useful things to consider when talking to your fiance and his mother (paraphrase into useful arguments):

When I did my RC pre-cana course the suggestion was given that the person who practices their faith more should really be the one who's church is honoured by the couple.

Additionally, many churches will not marry people who are not members. Member's children are not the same as members. If he has not been attending the church (and donating regularly) then he is basically going to be mooching off of those who have been by having the pastor perform a wedding. After all, it's not as if any fees they charge are going to cover the time that is put into the wedding preparation.

Are there major differences between your churches? Would it be fair of you to get married in a church which neither of you really belives in?

Is it the church or the officiant his mother wants? Might you be able to compromise on one of those?

Good luck!

Answer 4

Traditionally the choice of church is the bride's because she is leaving her home (and the protection of her parents) and starting life anew with a husband...so this is her last hurrah as far as her home town is concerned....

The choice is yours. if she has a single daughter, then she will have a chance to see her daughter married in her church....this time, since you are the bride...it's your choice...good luck.

Answer 5

If you marry in her church she'll expect/demand that any children that you have will be baptised in that church.  

Do what is right for you.  Does FH always kowtow to his mothers wants?  If so then you may have a rough road ahead in your marriage.  Please get premarital counseling to help you guys deal with this and other problems that will arise in your futures.

Answer 6

Oh boy. It sounds like one struggle you'll have with your marriage is the mother-in-law. Boys and their moms ... such weird situations sometimes.

You're going to have to fight this one. If it were something silly like favors, I'd say just give up, but this is your belief system and part of your life - something this woman should understand.

But you have to get your fiance to stick up for the both of you, otherwise you have a long, long road ahead of you. If he can't take your side on something this important, just imagine the thing he won't  take your side for down the line.

Answer 7

Oh boy, you're in for a tough road ahead. You & your fiance better get on the same page here. I understand where you are coming from, especially if you are the only one that goes to church. He should understand without question and you should be marrying in your church, in my opinion.

Not sure what your situation is, but my fiance & I are paying for almost all of our wedding & we are doing exactly what we want. So I suggest you two sit down and decide, maybe a compromise and don't get married in the church at all, have an out door wedding.  

But I definately think this should be something you both agree on without influence of others. Remember, the day is about you two & your new life together.  

Answer 8

First off it is your day! I dont know how much your go to church but this is something I think you need to talk about now!

When you have kids what church are the kids going to go to, or is it going to always be a issue. In marriage you always to to talk, start now and work things out.

about his mom, maybe you both need to talk with her, and say thanks for your help but we are going to work this out by ourselves.

GOOD LUCK

Answer 9

You should get married in your church, especially if you have a regular home church.  For this one day his mother shouldn't mind going to your church. You also need to tell him that you've always wanted to get married in your church.  

Answer 10

First of all, the family should not be part of the decision making.... girls do this more than guys so, don't say you don't do it.

You need to marry in a place that is neither yours nor his.  That's the only way it will be fair.

Or do like we did.... the family (mine and hers) were trying to make all the arrangements.   It was such a pain... we didn't want to deal with all of them trying to decide for us.   So we sat our parents down, made some reservations and took just our parents to vegas where we got married and had it broadcast on the internet for those that wanted to see it.   Simple, fun, and no arguing.  DONE!  we're now married for 8 years.

Answer 11

Marriage is about compromise. Maybe you guys could come up with a alternative solution. Maybe you could have the ceremony at your church, but have someone from his church be the officiant.

Answer 12

I think you have the upper hand here. You go to church, he does not. It seems simple to me - you get married at your church. Your fiance should understand this, as should his mother. It is nothing to do with her, it is your wedding. If your fiance doesnt understand and doesnt go along with you, I think there may be problems ahead

Answer 13

When we were planning our wedding, my husband and I both wanted to have an outdoor wedding...We ended up getting married in his church because his dad said if we didn't get married there he wasn't going to pay for anything. We needed the help so we said okay. (Afterall, I don't think where you get married is as important  as getting married to the one and only.) Long story short, we didn't have the wedding we wanted we had the one he wanted and he didn't pay for anything!! It was an awesome and I wouldn't change it if I could, but my advise to you is, if it's just because of his mom...Don't do it! You will have regrets. If your fiance wants to have a wedding in that church for reasons other than his mom, maybe you should consider it. We were planning on an outside wedding because I wanted to get married in my church (I come from a very religous family) but he wanted to get married in his church (not a very religous family). So we comprimised...Until his dad spoke up about his church...Marraige is about comprimise and like I said the most important thing should be that you are getting married to the love of your life...Not WHERE you are getting married...

Answer 14

Decide now whether you want a life with a man who bows to his mother's wishes above his wife's.  This single decision will set the tone for your entire married life.

In a more practical sense, the bride's family pays for the majority of the wedding, the bride picks where it occurs.  When the couple are from different hometowns, the wedding is almost ALWAYS where she grew up.

Be firm.  You're not marrying her, and neither is he.  Put it to him like that and make sure he makes the right decision.

Answer 15

Traditionally its the bride's choice.

Answer 16

Don't give in to her! You are the one who should get their way on this it is NOT her wedding it is yours and your husband better realize that. I'm sure he hasn't spent his whole life dreaming of his wedding day. So don't let down your guard! I hope it all works out for you!!

Answer 17

Traditionally it would be held in the bride's church. I would talk to your fiance and tell him how important it is to you to be married in your church. If hes set on his church and won't be swayed you're both going to have to compromise and get married somewhere neutral.

Answer 18

Well actually , it is not just YOUR day. It is his too. My fiance is just as excited as I am and we discuss everything.

so... sounds like you have some issues here. How come you guys do not go to church together? That could be a big battle in the future.

You ever heard of the unequally yoked thing?

Then, his controlling mother is another story. You will be his wife, he needs to honor you. The two of you need to be making decisions as a couple, he mom does not need to be making decisions like this,

My fiance and I used to attend seperate churches, but we compromised and found a church that works for both of us and  have been attending that church exclusively for about a year. It is a huge church and since we are getting married on a Sunday, all the pastors will be at the service.

I have a pastor friend from my home church who does weddings and was available to do our ceremony. I talked it over with my fiance and explained how special it was to me to have Pastor K. marry us and my fiance was fine with it.

You MUST talk to your fiance about this. If you do not it will haunt you and seriously, before you guys get married you need to be able to compromise, problem solve and be honest in all things.