Fiance wants to live with roommate when we move in together?

Question

A little back story. I have a 15 month old daughter by another man. When she was about 6 months I got back together with my current fiance (we had dated a couple years ago). We have been dating for a year and he proposed on 8-10.

We have talked out many issues (he is 28 and I am 22) that might arise in our marriage, like religious differences and personality differences etc. We have come to agreements on everything except one issue.

We will not move in with each other until we are married. He currently lives with a roommate in an apartment and his brother is over there like every day. He says that when we get a house together he needs to keep his roommate because 1.) He has nowhere else to go due to bad credit and 2.) Will be able to help us get a better house due to rent contribution. He also wants to rent out the garage to his brother to store all of his stuff.... for pretty much the same reasons.

I feel that if we have roommate during our "newlyweds" time it could cause some animosity. Not only would I be learning how to be a wife I would also have to learn how to be a roommate. His brother is over all the time and my fiance says that he (the brother) is lonely and needs him. Also, he will be having to learn how to be a husband AND father (which he has accepted that role - he loves her as his own). I can just see it being me against the 3 guys... making them clean up and behave around the baby... Its like Id be a mother to 4 kids!

I clearly see he has many co-dependant qualities and will ask him to read the CODA book (after I read it).

Basically I would like some reasons and good points to make about how unhealthy it is to have other people living with us during our newlywed time. He is very analytical and I think that if I have good reasons not to do this he would be more willing to "hear" me. Thanks!

Answer 1

You should absolutely not, and I mean absolutely NOT, have a roommate when you get married. You are totally right in NOT wanting that. Newlyweds need PRIVACY more than anything else! Girl you need to stick to your guns here. My husband wanted us to live in his PARENTS basement when we got married! (I will forever resent them for even offering it... everybody should know that newlyweds need PRIVACY!) Anyway, I demanded that we just couldnt do that. I didnt want to be fixing dinner with/for his mom and dad every night! Or have to be fully dressed in every part of the house other than our bedroom, and have to be "quiet" when we WERE in our bedroom! Noooo way. Tell him no. If you guys need help for a mortgage, dont buy a house yet! Rent some tiny 2 bedroom place... but don't get roommates! I swear you will regret it, and im sure he will too once he pulls his head out.

Answer 2

PLEASE READ:  Poor you, I think that although your husband is not intentionally trying to make things difficult he kinda is. I think that he does love you and wants to marry you but i think he sees it as a helping hand- and he kinda doesn't want to let go of his past- after all hes 28 years old and has been living in a house with just his roomante, so he sees it as a big jump from that to living with a female and child. Although hes reasons does make sense on the finical side it doesn't on the relationship side for the both of you .. If the two of you are living together for the first time its bound to come with many ups and downs and it is going to be rather uncomfortable with another person living with you. I think that your husband- to- be needs to do a lot of growing up. Hes only seeing things from his side of view- and to him hes got it pretty cushy- hes got a wife and lover from you and his best mate to hang out with oh and his bother coming down when ever he wants to use the garage.. ask him how he would feel if it was the other way around- if he was out numbered living with 2 women and letting the garage out too. I think that this matter deffently needs to be resolved before getting married. If the two of you really cant agree either way try coming to a compromise.. tell him that his roomate can move in- only temporally until he finds some where else- this way it pleases everyone.. or if this isnt a option surly his roomate has time to find a new place before you get married.?

I really think that you need to tell your husband to be that its time for him to grow up- hes not a young single batular now hes going to be a married man and a father all at once and that's a big thing, and if he really cant except that then maybe hes not ready for marriage yet...

Hope This Helps x

Answer 3

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL NO!!!

Answer 4

Me an my fiancee are planning on moving out before we get married. We have agreed that for one year we will live with his friend, who is a close friend to both of us to get him started and on his feet and us on ours. Itll be all of our first times out of the house and were really trying to save money for the wedding. The friend works overnights 40 hours and then also a 2nd part time job so he can put money into saving for his "dream" car and a house one day.

I have stipulated when we move out he cannot just have guy time with his friend, that they are allowed to hang out and stuff but don't knock me out of the picture because your friends always there.

I told him though that when we get married, we will live by ourselves, I don't care what the situation no friends will live with us.

As far as your fiance, the friend living because of bad credit that is his fault not yours or your fiance's and if he needs better credit he needs to talk to your fiancees brother to get  a place. DO not put the brother on the lease because then you don't know whats going to happen with that if he does not live there then he doesnt belong on the lease, get a rental shed geez.

Just tell him your marrying him and not his friend or his brother, and its a big adjustment for you and your daughter and you dont want to confuse her and have 2 men living with you.

Tell him you are willing ot take care of him however your not willing to be housewife to his friends, and cook for them and play wifey for them too, Im sure the friend does have somewhere to go he just doesn't want to.

Answer 5

he sounds like he is a very nice guy, perhaps not totally ready to do this on his own.  i'd be very careful about this situation, and try to explain to him openly and honestly with patience.    

he may actually like the company of his brother and friend/roommate, and who knows, they may really need him and he is being a thoughtful nice guy.  he is obviously open enough to love another man's daughter as his.    

now one can understand why a woman wants a life of her own and does not want freeloading single men living with them.  just try to explain the awkwardness to him (have him ask some other women's objective opinion on his own!) and hopefully he will eventually realize what is most important.  what he is doing is a huge change.  

perhaps you can come to a compromise about the friend staying for a year and helping him get on his own two feet.  perhaps.......you should hold off on the wedding until he can help his roommate much in the same way he is able to see beyond you having someone elses child.  

it is awkward, in this society (i've seen europeans do it) but be patient and look towards compromise and understanding rather than coerciveness.  after all, if he is a CODA, you will do nothing but gain another child and not a husband if you push him.    

Answer 6

shorten it up

Answer 7

Wow, that is a lot to think about.  Well, first of all great idea on looking into codependency!  Thats so great that you're taking responsibility for yourself first (b/c it takes two to make a relationship work) and not just blaming your guy.  

   You guys may benefit greatly from moving in together before the marriage.  You REALLY need to see just how its going to feel in this situation before you dive-in head first. It sounds like your fiance feels responsible for his brother and his roommate, which is a clear sign of how its going to be when you guys are married.  Wouldn't you want to live together (try it on for size) and work out the kinks before you say "i do"?

    As you know, you cannot change anyone but yourself, so if you think that you will be able to change your fiance's mind about letting his roommate live with you guys and allowing his brother to take over the garage, I think you'll be dissappointed. Even if you do talk him out of it he will probably resent you for it.

   So, what I suggest is talking to him about his issues.  Find out why he feels the need to prioritize his brother's need for storage and his roommate's need for a helping hand before you and your child.  It's like he will be bringing in extra baggage into your home.  Tell him how it makes you feel, share your feelings (try not to blame him, you are both a part of this relationship, it takes two) and your worries.  The point is to get to the root of the problem and work it out, not just wait until you guys are married and see what happens.  Nor should you try to talk him out of anything before trying to truly understand him and come to a comprise.Find out WHY he does what he does,and WHY you feel you will have to "mother the 4 kids".  All of these issues are keys to both yours and his sub-conscious fears that are surfacing, and will continue to surface, especially AFTER marriage.

I wish you guys the best of luck, working through this will either bring you closer together or allow you to see that you have more work to do before marriage.  (Hope it brings you closer together!!)  

http://www.progressyourlife.com

Answer 8

i think you need to tell him that it is either you or the roommate. sounds like he is trying to keep life easy and keep you at the same time. the brother however is family and you should not try to come in between them. it is not normal for a husband and wife to have a roommate unless you both are very close to this person.

Answer 9

u should tell him how u feel and if his true 2 u he will understand

Answer 10

You need to put your foot down and say NO!  Once you are married you need a home that is just the 3 of you, no roomies and no just come on over as you feel like it brothers!  If he can't commit to that, you need to be willing to walk away from him, otherwise you are enabling him and not meeting the needs you have for your soon to come marriage.

Answer 11

DON'T DO IT!!!  If he he feels that he has to bring all these people with him, then yes he's very co-dependent on his friends/family.  If you move in with all these other people it will only cause harm to your relationship and marriage.  His friend is not his responsibility and I'm sure he's helped him out long enough.  Brother can fend for himself to.  If this is something that he's very adamant about, be warned, things will only get worse.  Good luck!

Answer 12

I would definitely not let other people live with my me and my husband.  It's not my problem to house them or entertain them.  Take a stand and do not let him tell you how it will go down.  Once he does, he'll think he can keep doing it.  

Answer 13

While the beginning stages of marriage are very fun and exciting, they're also hard for couples who haven't lived with that person. As much fun as it was mocving in with my boyfriend (my now fiance), it was hard to get used to his quirks, not having everything to myself, etc. We both got over it, though, and now love living with each other. It was an adjustment though.

When you guys get married, you'll need time alone to adjust and concentrate on your life together. Adding a third person to the mix while building a foundation is going to be incredibly difficult and unhealthy for the first stages of your marriage.

If you can't convince him with that, then I'm not sure if you'll be able to at all. It might take years to work through his co-dependency issues (my family is full of them, and some are getting therapy for it now), so as long as you don't mind supporting him through it, stick it out and see how it goes. But if he makes no changes in a year, then I would move on, and let him know this is the reason why. If he can't push out others to make room for you, that's a serious problem.

Answer 14

I wouldnt go for it.  Getting married means startinga life with this person, not his current roommate and brother.  He needs to let these people go to fend for themselves and learn for themsevles.  letting them build up credit through you guys isnt helping them, its showing them that getting themselves into trouble with money is no big deal because someone is going to bail you out of it.  His roommate can look for another roommate and his brother can mooch off mom and dad if need be.  You guys need the time to yourselves and your 15 month old daughter doesnt need to be in a home with all of that going on.  Children need struture and stability which they dont get in a house of people coming and going.  I would tell him sorry, you love him but that just doesnt work for you.

Answer 15

Besides all of the reasons you have already listed, the best reason I can think of is that the roommate is a financial risk.  If he has such bad credit that he can't rent somewhere else, then allowing him to rent from you would be foolish.

With regard to the brother renting the garage...If your fiance is so keen on helping him out, why doesn't he just rent a storage unit, and let the brother make the payments?  That way, the brother gets the storage he needs, and you can have the garage that you need!

That said, marriage is a series of compromises.  If your fiance is insistent, then lay down some ground rules of your own, in advance of the move.  For example, tell your fiance that you need to find a multi-unit property to move into, so that you, as a family, can have space that's separate from the roommate.  Or let them all know that after 7:00 on weeknights is family time, and they'll have to leave.  Or give the brother half of the garage, so that you can park inside in order to safely bring the baby into the house.  

Alternately, you could spend the first month or two pinching the baby to make her cry a lot, and having really loud s*x...My guess is that the roommate would find a way to rent something on his own.  :)

Answer 16

I agree with you.  His friend and brother should not need him as much as he says.  Also if his friend has bad credit, there is a reason and it might mean that you will not always receive his part of the rent.  I could see renting your garage space to the brother to store his things as long as you don't have a use for the garage.  If your fiance seems like he wants it all.  He wants to have a wife, but he also wants his buddy close by.  He can't have everything and you and your daughter should come first before his friend and brother.  He has to be willing to make some sacrifices in his life.  How long does your fiance expect his friend to live with you?  Is it only for a few months until the friend can find a place, or is it indefinite?  The only thing that I could think of would be if you found a place that had a detached three car garage with an apartment on top of the garage-even then I would think twice.  The friend should not be living in the main house with your fiance, daughter, and yourself period!  He is basically telling you that you come in last, first his friend, then brother, then you and your daughter.  He need to put you and your daughter first.  The situation you described would be a deal breaker for me.  Having a councilor talk to the two of you before you get married might be a good idea especially about the living situation.  

Answer 17

You need to work out the realistic costs of living together as just the two of you, and prove that on his income and your earnings you can make ends meet sufficiently.  Otherwise you have to admit he's just being sensible about not getting the pair of you into a cycle of debt.

Answer 18

Well, sweetheart, you will have to be firm and clear.   For instance, I can understand why your hubby would want a roomie...as the extra income would be a plus...extra income is always good.  However, you will need to lay down the law...and he needs to be a landlord..not a buddy.   So, this is what I suggest.

Should you buy a home, find one with a fixed basement, this way, he will have his own entrance, and he does not have to pass through your private living space.   Or find a home that has two way of entrance so that he can come through another way.    However, it seems as though you will be house shopping to meet his "friends" needs, instead of his "family's" needs.  As far as renting for storage, tell him the income is welcomed, but not the company every single day.  

Explain to your hubby that he needs to realize that if he plans to marry he needs to learn that he cant have his friends and family over everyday.   Make a schedule, tell him once a week his brother can come over, maybe saturdays, or friday nights.   At those times, make time for yourself and baby.   He needs to be considerate.   I would hate to know thatr I am getting married not only to my man, but to his roomate also.  It's not fair to you.   Is he supposed to support his friend for the rest of his life because he has bad credit?   I dont think so.   Explain to him what you expect and what you DONT expect.  Make it clear.   If he cant agree, and you both are unhappy, tell him you will postpone the wedding until his brother finds a girlfriend, and his friend builds good credit...see what he says.

You need to give him reasons?  Okay, here are a few good ones:

You want to walk in your underwear whenever and whereever possible when you feel like it.

You dont want company over every night, every other night...not even on the weekdays.

You need time to develop as a family, not a freakin clan.

You dont want to have to share your space with anyone, simple as that.

If you cant afford it, dont buy it.  What if his brother and friend decide one day to move on?  Who will pick up the tab?

I doesnt make sense for a newlywed couple to live with a roomate, it defeats what a mature marriage should be.  Youre not in a college dorm, you are forming a household.

Answer 19

Learn to get along with everyone.

You won't be taking care of 4 kids.

just one.

Marriage is a 50/50 partnership and he should have responsibilities for your child as well.  Why not have his brother help out too.

The roommate is only there to help with the household expenses.  He doesn't have to have a role in supporting the family.

Answer 20

The roommate and the brother should get a place together-- sounds like a perfect match.

Pointing out reasons why you're right and he's wrong is a waste of time. Come up with solutions to his concerns:

1- his roommate needs a place to live

2- his brother has no friends and needs a storage unit

3- find a house you can afford without taking in boarders

Problem solve rather than try to show how right you are.

Answer 21

Well this situation sounds a little unhealthy.

However, my husband and I just got married and we are very young and want to save money before we move out of state. One of our friends (out of nowhere) came to us and said we could live in in house for free until we moved. It was a huge blessing and we are staying here about 9 or 10 months.

At times, I do wish we were alone. But it will make me appreciate our own place and alone time with my husband even more in the future.

Its not all that bad. Besides, you have a daughter so you wouldn't be alone anyways.