Fiancee broke it off

Question

So here goes...I am engaged to a man of 4 and a half years and the other night he came home from work and told me that it was over and that he cared about me and loved me but not with his whole heart. His parents bought us a house last August and before I met him I said to him in front of his parents Are you sure you are ready for this type of commitment? Are you ready for my son to live with us and be a family? He replied by saying I cant see myself with anyone else but you and your son, you two are my family. He said he loves me to death. He also considers my son his, allowing my son to call him daddy. My son is 7 years old and knows when something is right. I didnt want to bring him into this relationship to get hurt. When I asked him where all this was coming from he said that he still loves his ex girlfriend that he dated for 2 or 3 months and whom broke his heart by leaving him. I just dont understand how this could possibly be. After the first year we were together he looked for her on myspace and saw she was married and finally got closure and told me that he was totally in love with me. How can someone just fall in and out of love so quick? I emailed the girl and she told me that he never told her what kind of relationship we had and said that she will not be with him considering what he is doing to me. She also said that she could never trust him. I am in such a bad situation right now because I have no money because he was the sole provider for me and my son. I didnt work because of finishing college, it was his choice for me not to work. He also states that he was unhappy but we just came back from vacation 3 weeks ago and he told me that we bonded so well this week and I agreed. 3 days before he left he asked my grandmother to move in with us so she can get out of the situation she was in, to help her out. It is ironic, if anyone can justify any of this please do. Thank you

Answer 1

I am so sorry this happened to you.  There are no words to justify your fiance's actions (fiance is the man you are going to marry-fiancee is the woman you are going to marry--sorry).  Just get a job and stay in school.  You have to be able to get on your feet without this man, I am sorry for the situation with your grandma as well.  

When I moved in with my husband I also quit working as I had been going to school full time and working full time he wanted me to quit so that I could focus on school and the kids.  I just don't know what I would have done if he had done something like this to me.  He also loves my son like his own and considers him to be his son.  Wow, I am so sorry for you and your son.

Maybe he is confused, I don't know.

If he ever really loved you and your son he would help you get back on your feet-hopefully he does.  Don't feel ashamed of that.

Good luck.

I am really sorry, I will be praying for you.  This makes me want to cry as I know that I would be at such a loss if this happened to me.  I would be so mad, hurt, sad and worried.  You just have to pick yourself up and remember that things happen for a reason.  It will work out in the end.

EDIT:  Just wanted to say I see nothing wrong with your son calling him Dad maybe in retrospect but don't beat yourself up over that you had no way of knowing--clearly you have taken your time in this relationship and haven't jumped into to anything quickly.  Your sons father is clearly not his Dad your fiance is the only dad he has known.  I would never expect my son to call his father dad if he didn't want to(he left when I was pregnant), his only real dad is the man who has raised him. I am sorry again, I feel like I am saying sorry too much but I just can relate and it's like my worst nightmare coming true for someone else.

Answer 2

Seems you were both stuck in a routine as he would repeat the hug/ kiss/ love you act after work. If you constantly tell your love for each other it may seem you are reassuring yourself. Did you each think of the other person before yourself, and express love in other ways?

There was a breakdown in communication as he couldn't tell you his real problems with the relationship. Think about what was wrong?  

Answer 3

I would sit down with him, and ask how he feels throwing away what he has with you, and hurting your son over unrequited love will make him a happier person. I would ask him what he expects you, your son, and your grandmother to do now that he wants to break things off, and that if he must allow you all time to find jobs a new place to live before asking you to leave (unless you have family or friends who would take you in until you got back on your feet). I would not take him back. He betrayed you in the ultimate way, and if he says that he has a chance with the other girl, I would say, "Heh, that's not what she told me." Move on. You deserve better. In the future don't allow your son to be the one to be trampled by your problems. You should never have allowed him to call him daddy, or convince you not to work. By doing so you trapped you and your family.

Answer 4

There is obviously somr=ething he is not telling you.  From first glance, it seems as if he is giving, giving, and giving some more financially.  I understand that he seems to be able to financially support you and you son and your grandmother, but maybe it is beginnignto pinch his finances a bit and he suddenly feels overwhelmed.  Then if he starts to thinkabout his ex and how different his life would have been with her (financial wise) he may begin to feel like he need to be with someone who is not sooo needy financial wise (Is she well off and independent?  Maybe that's the type of girl he desires)  Assure him that when you get out of college you will bear your weight with the money matters ans that things canonly get better from here - that you are willing to get counselling to make it work if he is willing to.  See what happens next!  Good luck!

Answer 5

i think what he was trying to do in those 4 1/2 years was to convince himself that he didnt love his ex and loved u. i think he was infatuated w/ u, but in his heart he still loved his ex. he was trying to deny and bury his feelings for his ex, but in the end, those feelings won him over. i am so sry for u and i suggest that u send ur grandmother to live w/ another relative bc u cannot financially support a stable household right now. then u go live w/ a friend or the same relative so u can get back on ur feet.

hope this helps!

Answer 6

This is so saddening.

You and your son deserve so much better. I don't get why and how he could or would do that. Two or three months is nothing compared to 4 and a half years.

I thought she was also married so why would she be involved with him now anyway? I don't know what to say. This is the first time I have ever been speechless. All I can suggest doing is pray. I'm gonna pray for you.

I hope all works out. Please keep your head up. Good luck sweetie.

Answer 7

confusion, total confusion. I hate 2 say this but its better that he broke it off b 4 the 2 of u got married. I understand ur devastated, and can't see how this can be, but it does. Did he catch you on the rebound? and if so ur marriage would've been the same way up and down like a basketball. sounds like he's insecure, which we all have insecurities, but the BIG question is, is he goin to control his or are they goin to control him. sounds like the latter.

Answer 8

I understad that this has been an emotional rollercoaster for you and all that kissing game hes doing its tearing your soul apart. If he broke it off and there is other girl here involved the best thing to do is to focus on your son and you. You should move out, dont worry about the house, focus on your career and your son. If a man is unsure in his feelings just imagine what will happen in maybe 10 yrs from now. You will probably end up single mom of 2 or 3 and it will be quite more challenging for you. Be independent, strong and someone that your son will look up to. Dont let an unstable man raise your child. A woman does not need a man to survive, call it quits only if you feel like it down deep....goodluck and God bless you and ur son........