Fiancee was commited today... please help?

Question

i feel like such a horrible person for letting him get this bad. he suffers from schizophrenia, and doesn't take his meds as he should. his dad said that its not best if i go see him tonight as he's rather stirred up and hasn't settled in yet. what do you think? i'm so down on myself right now for letting him get so sick, my dog is even upset at me i think. i want 2 support my fiancee thru this, and i plan on it, but i'm so lost and don't know where to begin considering i can't even make sure he maintains, let alone help him get better. please help?

Answer 1

Seriously!? His illness is not your fault and do not put that on yourself. Give him at least a day to let the meds kick in. If I were you, I would reconsider marrying this man. I know you love him now, but it will be a very hard road ahead of you if you marry him. People with this illness are capable of doing a lot of harm to people around them and to others. It is a  serious illness. Please understand that.

Answer 2

Wait until you get the ok from his dad.  Then you can go see him.  About letting him get so bad, your not his doctor.  It is not your responsibility to see to it that he take his meds.

Answer 3

Why in h**l would you want to marry a schizophrenic? Are you out of your mind, too? It's not your fault he's sick and committed, it's his. He knows he supposed to take his medication but refuses to do so. This means that, if you marry him, you'll get to experience first hand that thing that people call a "Living h**l". Better you than me, sister. I've dated 2 psycho b!tches from h**l in the past and there is no way I would have married either one of them.

Answer 4

First of all, stop blaming yourself.  Second, wait until he's settled in and stabilised a bit.

Third - I don't know how much money his family have, but I can give you a tip on treating schizophrenia.  Get this book:  Mental Illness, the Nutrition Connection (How to beat depression, anxiety, and schizophrenia), by Dr Carl Pfeiffer.  He states that niacin (B3) can really help people with schizophrenia i.e. acute schizophrenics showed a 90% cure rate who follow his nutritional program.  He is the world's foremost authority on nutrition and mental illness.

Good luck.

Answer 5

Well you want what is best for HIM, so do not go see him.  Perhaps in a couple of days he will feel more like visitors.  If you plan on marrying him you need to learn how to help him.  Talk to as many doctors therapists, psychologists, etc. as you possibly can for advice.

Answer 6

Take his dad's advice.  Until he's stabilized, there's no point in visiting him anyway, he's not exactly "there".  That's great that you can see past the disease and love him, not all schizophrenics are going to have someone like that outside of their family.  Was it your fault he didn't take his meds?  Did you know if he was taking them or not?  Do you take this as seriously as you should?  I don't know the answer to that, but I will remind you:  taking his meds is EVERYTHING.  Without the meds, who are you having a relationship with?  I mean, if he's not in reality how does he even relate to you?  He might even be dangerous at times.

Small but useful dose of reality here:  schizophrenia is hereditary.  If you have children with him, they are very likely to have it or another serious mental illness.  That's a big risk.  Have you considered adoption?  Or do you want kids at all?  You need to work this out and be in agreement before the marriage, or it's likely to be a bad marriage.  

Answer 7

I went through the same thing with my ex (he was diagnosed with depression and bi-polar disorder) and at first, I was going up to the hospital every day, bringing food, books, trying to cheer him up, etc.  He was released, stopped taking his meds, and voluntarily recommitted himself a few months later.  Also, like many mentally ill people, he had a drug addiction.  Eventually I had to come to terms with the fact that I COULD NOT FIX HIM, nor was it my responsibility to.  Focus on YOU and getting YOU better.  I'm sure you've been through a lot with him, and maybe this is your chance to distance yourself from him and his problems and concentrate on your own issues.

PS:  There's NO reason for you to feel guilty about "letting him get this bad".  It's ok to love and care for him, but he is an adult and it was his responsibility to get help, not yours.

Answer 8

move on Bean, there is nothing you can do here anymore....and remember, never love someone who wont/cant love you back.....good luck

Answer 9

First off - there is no "getting him better" this is for a lifetime.

when a schizophrenic does not take his meds, it isn't your fault, it is part of the disease.  Please take this break to really consider what a lifetime with him will be llikelyThese episodes will not end, they are likley to become more frequent and worse.

Take time to speak to his doctors, see what they have to say about life with a schizophrenic.  Also talk about kids and the risks to them, both genetically and socially.  Even if they are not sick themselves, living with someone who is can be devastating.

Most of all, please take care of you first.  You cannot help him in anyway if you dont take care of you.

Answer 10

Don't listen to anybody about whether or not you should be with the man you care about.  In his place I would want to know you were with me and wanted to be.  Schizophrenia is a scary place to live.

Answer 11

You need counseling.

This is not of your doing.  Not to take the medication a choice your bf made.  It has nothing to do with you.

You must get out of this relationship for your own good and for the good of your future children.

Move on PLEASE.

Answer 12

The best thing for you to do is learn as much as you can about his illness. This is common for people with chemical inbalance to do. They start taking meds when it gets to the point where they cannot control it and it starts to scare them, but then they start to feel better and go off them. This is a roller coaster ride that you have to be willing to put up with for the rest of your life. These illnesses rarely disappear. Meds or no meds. It is usually there for life, sometimes it is good, sometimes it really bad. To learn about his illness, this will help you make your decision. Most people can't live with someone like this for the rest of their life. This is really the question you need to ask yourself.

Answer 13

I give you a lot of credit. My husband and I were in the same situation before we got married. If he wouldn't have stood by me the whole time, there is no way I would be the person I am now. It is very hard to deal with this kind of thing, and is also not something you should run away from (like other people are saying). Don't listen to his dad. My mom told me hubby (before we got married) that he couldn't come to see me and he didn't listen to her. That made me feel better knowing that he cares enough about me to ignore what everyone else had to say. I didn't want to take my meds either. But you have to at least attempt to make him. And having been through this before, you didn't make or let him get this bad. And in order to be able to help him like my hubby helped me, you have to stop telling yourself that. Go and see him. I wish you both the best of luck. Things will get better.

Answer 14

i see a lot of eyes[i's] in this question, how do you want help for your man?

Answer 15

It is not your fault

Answer 16

News flash: you didn't "let" him get sick, and you can't get him to get better. Schizophrenia is an incurable and poorly-understood illness at the moment, and there's no way to make the sufferer completely well. He will always have problems, and so will you, by extension. I strongly suggest you look for someone else to marry; speaking from personal experience, I would caution you against marrying a schizophrenic; he needs to get treatment, and you need to get on your way to having a normal family with a mentally sound person - you really don't want to get into this mess, seriously. Nothing personal against your fiance, it is tragic that he came down with this, but if you stay with him you will be punished along with him over and over - and if you have kids, they will be punished too, first by living with someone with a serious mental problem, and second by running a good chance of manifesting the condition themselves (schizophrenia seems to have a strong genetic component). Take your time to think about it.

P.S. It's not his fault for not taking the medication - this is the hallmark of the disease, people simply don't see or understand that they are ill. It's a vicious cycle. This is partially why this disease is so difficult to treat. But you can't be held responsible for his condition, either. He will need medical care and supervision for the rest of his life; are you up for being a 24/7 nurse, supervisor, cop and scapegoat? This is not a decision to be taken lightly. Depending on the severity of his symptoms, you could even be in physical danger.

Answer 17

Is he cabaple of taking his own meds and refuses? If so he needs to make a choice take the meds or risk losing you.  I know if sounds harsh to put it that way but it is serious.

Now if he isn't fully cabale of taking meds and needs someones help you need to ask yourself if you are ready and willing to take on such a hugh responsibilty/burden. Not everyone can handle it, and if you feel you can't, it is better for both you and he that you walk away now rather than later.

I wish you luck whatever your decision.

Answer 18

Hate to say it, but it may be a good time to reconsider getting married to him, or at least having children with him... it can be passed onto them.  

When he comes home, let him know that he has two choices... meds and you or no meds and no you.

My heart goes out to you, been there... done that!

ML

Answer 19

let the Doctor do his job then after make sure he takes his meds everyday  

Answer 20

Sure you want to marry this person ?

Answer 21

This is a horrible situation to be in. Honestly, I don't know that it's a good idea to marry someone who is schizophrenic. You deserve full attention, and your fiance will never be able to give you that or recover fully. Unless this is a very mild case, you may want to cut your losses and move on.  

Answer 22

There's a lot I can't do for you of course.  One thing I can do is offer this obvious fact: you didn't cause the problem.  When you say you "let him" get bad, I don't know what you could have done to not let him.

I recommend you think in terms of the long haul.  Do support him but also make sure you allow yourself some breaks.  Make sure you spend some time with other adults who don't suffer from mental illness (that might rule out his parents).  When it's just you and him it's easy to see things his way, which is useful for perspective, but his view of reality can be distorted which is why he's the patient and you're one of his caregivers.

Since you're posting here, you're probably also reading up on his condition.  Nowadays it's often treatable.  My personal opinion is that drugs tend to get overused.  They're great to get stable, but the ultimate goal should be to get better and not need the drugs.  Like I said, this is long term thinking.  How soon this happens or whether it can happen at all is largely up to him.  I knew someone who had this condition and got better once she was able to remember some horrible things that were done to her which she must have repressed. It took years, though, and she was motivated.  Are you sure you want to marry someone who can't take care of himself?

Answer 23

You are not a horrible person, when someone has a mental illness,it is not your fault, my brothers first wife was a paranoid schizophrenic, her younger brother was also diagnosed with schizophrenia as well. My brother and I had first hand experience dealing with this horrible disease, she had several relapses, she refuse to take her meds and said she did not need them because she said was "normal", of course we both knew she was not normal,hearing voices, feeling persecuted all the time, having severe delusions which caused some of her bizarre behaviors.he ended up divorcing her years later, the family court judge told him that you can not force someone to take their meds, the worst part about this illness is that it is hereditary and runs in the family.the sad part about this illness is that it is a lifelong illness, one that will never go away, as far as treating it yes thats true, but that person has to be willing to help themselves,if they don't try to help themselves " get better", then they could end up having relapses for the rest of their lives.

I compare a mental illness sort of as comparing it to a broken bone, but in the opposite way, " When a bone is broken, it heals, but when the mind is broken, it will never heal".

I know you want to support your fiancee and be there for him, but if he's mentally unstable right now and in the mental or Psych unit, let the professional people deal with him and try to stabilize him first.

One more word of advice hun, don't go rushing up to the Altar to get married, you need time to think about your future life with him if you do get married and think about the fact that any children you have in the future with him are already in a high risk category, because like I said before, genetics play a big part in mental illnesses, somewhere  in his family, an aunt, uncle, grandparent, someone down the line probably has a history of mental illness, hope this info is helpful.

Answer 24

wait a bit till things settle down and find somethign to do while u wait

Answer 25

First off, you can't blame yourself.  You can be supportive in his problem but he is the one responsible for dealing with his problem.  If you start blaming yourself you aren't doing him or yourself any good.  His dad is probably right, plus you need some time to get yourself together.  Tomorrow then you and him can talk to the doctors and discuss what you can do to help and what to do when things start to get bad next time.  What happened is done and in the past you need to be looking forward and how to try and avoid this situation in the future.