Filling a "void" when you adopt?

Question

Ok. There is something with this "filling a void" thing that I just cant seem to understand.

If you have a bio child then are you filling a "void"?

or is it just if you adopt, then you are filling a "void"?

Why should it matter? Isnt haveing kids a natural and paternal instinct, reguardless of if you adopt or have bio kids?

Please tell me what you think. I have asked this as i answered a question on this earlier and have noted some very mixed answers on the term "filling a void"

I really dont seem to see how it would matter aslong as the child, bio or adopted, are in a loving home with loving parents and having a great upbringing.

I guess you could say that "filling a void" is natural if its bio or adoption. I just dont like the term "filling a void"

Answer 1

I guess I don't understand why "filling a void" is a bad thing. If you want a child and don't have a child then there's your void. If you get pregnant or adopt a baby - then whooolllaaa - the void is filled. What is so upsetting about it?

Answer 2

you are really devoted to this subject! kids are great everyone should experience having them at some point, be it that they are thier own or adopted why should this matter, using the words of my mother in law "a childless couple are a selfish couple , we were put here to reproduce" not my words but is thier truth in them?

Answer 3

Is the it the terminology of filling a void that is bothering you in regards to adoption

I see absolutely nothing wrong with the desire of being parent.  I think many mean it differently.  

I fill the void by speaking with natural mothers and fathers.  I fill a void when speaking to other adoptees.

Answer 4

Okay, let's say a friend of yours was engaged to a man she loved, they were dating for two years, and had planned the wedding.

Then he dumps her.  She immediately starts dating again, and within a few months she is engaged again.

Some questions:  Would she be 'filling a void'?  Would this new relationship be a healthy one?  Is it fair to her new beau that she didn't really take the time to morn, grieve, and REFLECT on her feelings of loss? And maybe gain acceptance about the life she would have had with potential husband # 1?  

Change all the above variables above to TTC with husband, and failing, then moving right into adoption plans.

This is NOT healthy behavior.  What is wrong with taking a year to really allow the REALITY of the loss of biological children settle in, and then decide if adopting is really what is wanted as a 'family choice'?

If a person can accept that adoptive families are different than bio families, then this decision would be better for everyone--the APs, AND the child.

Rushing, rushing, rushing into alternative parenting is where I have a BIG problem.  It's as if the adopters are afraid to actually face the issues, and are trying to 'build a family' without consideration of the major change that has occurred.

And IMO, these avoidance issues are exactly what make non-empathetic, and frankly, self-centered adoptive parents.

Answer 5

I'm not sure what you mean by 'filling a void'.

Some people have a very strong instinct to parent.  Is wanting a birth child 'filling a void'?  I guess it is to a degree, it is fullfilling your parenting instincts.

I personally think that whether you are a birth parent or adoptive parent then if you have that strong parenting instinct and are willing and able to bring up a child in a good way then it can only be a good thing.

I have four birth children and am currently going through the process to enable my husband and I to adopt a sibling group of four.  I have enough love to give to all my children, regardless of whether they were born to me or are adopted and yes, they do fulfull my need to parent and love.

Answer 6

That really depends on the people involved. People try to fill internal voids with lots of things--religion, money, material things, s*x, drugs, alcohol, shopping, people (including children). That shows a lack in human psychological development when someone tries to find internal completion through external means. My cousin and his wife married because they had an unplanned pregnancy with twin girls. One was miscarried. They had too many issues and not enough maturity--he had a lot of psychological issues from a troubled chldhood and was being sent to Iraq at the time, and she was the youngest child of a family where mother, sister, and my cousin's wife had a mental illness. They decided once he returned the best way to fix their marriage was to have another baby. It didn't work, so now they are divorcing. Don't try to build a life on a baby or anything else for that matter. It won't work. In the end, the children suffer. Don't pretend that they don't know, or understand. His soon-to-be-ex-wife is now off meds and refusing to allow their three year old and nine month old to see their daddy.

Answer 7

I want to be a Mother.  It is an incredibly strong desire.  I know that when I hold my child in my arms it won't matter if they were adopted or came from my womb.  I'm still going through infertility treatment and am working on adoption.  

I don't know though, if I would say a child will "fill a void" -- I think romanticizing parenthood is a dangerous thing, and depending on a baby for happiness is not healthy.  I have a great husband, a wonderful life and a baby won't magically transform me to being "complete".  But it is what I want right now more than anything.

Answer 8

If my a'parents felt a "void," it was because of the fact that they could not have their own kids.  They dealt with this before they adopted, and decided that they wanted to raise children even if those children did not take after them in any way.

So while I satisfied their desire to share their lives with a child, I could not fill the "void" (assuming they felt one) their own child would have filled.  Nor did they expect me to.  They enjoyed watching me become who I was rather than a substitute for the child they could not have on their own.

I don't think wanting kids is an instinct that is natural to everyone BTW.  I've never wanted children, so I didn't have any.    

The people I feel have a "void" are the ones who say not parenting makes them feel they are incomplete human beings.  I am equally put off by people who think they are incomplete without a partner.  I don't think anyone can "complete" me but me.

Answer 9

As I posted earlier women other than adopters have children for the same kind of reasons. Women who loose their children to adoption, women who have abortions, women who's children die or a stillborn, women who miscarry. It is termed "replacement baby feelings".

An internal void is created through loss. The loss of a child or the dream of having a child is very real and painful to the person dealing with it. With RBF most women simply get pregnant again in an attempt to "get over" their loss. It doesn't work. When the loss is infertility there can't be the option of getting pregnant so the next choice is adoption. I don't think this is ever healthy for a woman if they haven't dealt with the initial loss first. Dealing with the loss that is causing the RBF is essential but that doesn't mean that a desire for a, or another, child will be cured by acceptance.

Any time a child is truly wanted is a joyful occasion. As long as the parents are loving, nurturing and willing to do whatever is in their child's best interest they are fulfilling their roles. In the end though, there will always come a time when the loss needs to be grieved, accepted and otherwise dealt with. It is far easier to do this without having to think about the reasoning behind your choice to have a child. Guilt is a toxic and sordid emotion that should be avoided at all cost and believe me feeling guilt over bringing a child into your life for the "wrong" reasons is not pleasant.

Answer 10

Can I give an example here:

I know a guy, adopted at birth.   He was a 'replacement' baby for the infant his parents had borne naturally but had died in infancy.

His adoptive parents even gave him the dead baby's name

Would you tell him 'why does it matter'.  Actually, I think you probably would!

Answer 11

I agree with you on your thoughts.  The term "filling a void" can be used in all aspects of the adoption triad but seems to be mostly concentrated on adoptive parents.

I will be the first to admit.  I wanted a child more than anything in my life.  During infertility treatments, I could not concentrate on anything but whether or not I was preggo.  My husband actually suggested adoption and I did not want to hear it!  I wanted to experience pregnancy & childbirth.  Society (and my faith) had made me believe that I was here on Earth to reproduce and if I was not able to do so, I was less of a woman.  My husband felt that perhaps we were meant to adopt a child.  I couldn't consider it; I was being too selfish.

I actually agreed to meet the bio family that contacted us basically to "shut everyone up".  But the minute I laid my eyes on my son and felt him cuddle up along side me, I was in love.  Did it fill a void?  Probably.  But one thing that a counselor told me was that I had to grieve my loss of pregnancy before I could prepare myself to be a mother.  She was right.  It was the best advice ever offered to me.

When the bio family asked us to be the parents of this child, I hesitated.  I did not know if I was ready to parent a child or if I was ready to take on the responsibility of adoption and the special medical needs my son had.  In that sense, I do not feel that he was simply filling a void, because if he was, I would not have hesitated about saying yes.  I would have just grabbed him and ran.  

In the long run, everything worked out and our son's adoption was the best thing that ever happened to us as a family.  I still grieve the loss of my pregnancy on occasion.  I sort of compare it to losing my grandfather.  I don't think about it everyday, but there are certain things that bring his memory back into my life.  It's the same with my infertility; I don't think of it daily, but I am reminded of it when someone tells me that my son looks "just like me" or someone talks about their labor & delivery.  

Did my son fill a void?  Maybe... if you want to get "technical" about the terminology.  I prefer though to think that our son was the answer to our prayers.  God knew that we wanted to be parents and knew our son needed parents so it was His intervention that brought us together.

Answer 12

It doesn't matter if the child is born or adopted, if the purpose of either one is for the parents to replace a dead child, miscarriages, to save a marriage. Then to me that is filling a void.

I DO NOT believe that most adopted parents adopt just to fill a void. Most want to be parents and provide for a child.

Answer 13

I think you have a point.  Adoptive parents are often portrayed as adopting to meet their own selfish needs.  I do agree that, if infertility is in the picture, a person's feelings about that should be resolved before adopting.  However, isn't WANTING a child, just like biological parents want a child, the RIGHT motivation to adopt?  I've always thought that that was the one legitimate motivation to adopt.  I wouldn't want a child to grow up in a family who DIDN'T have the "selfish" desire to have a child.  So, in a sense, I think anyone wants to be a parent out of "selfishness."  That doesn't mean they can't put their children's needs first.  I do feel like my life would not be complete if I dindn't get to experience parenthood, and that isn't due to unresolved infertility.  Now, I don't feel like I, as a person, would be incomplete.  That is different.

edited to add:  I think Sunny is right that people should take time to process their feelings about infertility before adopting.  That IS healthy, and homestudy agencies should require it.  Rushing into adoption as a band-aid for the "wounds" of infertility is NOT healthy.  I just don't like it assumed that all adoptive parents do that.  I guess I'll go ahead and share my situation.  In my case I found out I was infertile when I was 12.  It was found that my ovaries didn't function normally.  Pretty devastating and confusing to a 12 yr. old, and I didn't really start processing it until college.  But, by the time we started the adoption process, I had long since made peace with it and had long since decided on adoption over all kinds of "fertility assistance."