Filling the "void" with a child.?

Question

It has also been stated that adopters, adopt to "fill a void".

For me, I wasnt even looking to adopt when I was connected to my sons mother. I don't think i had any void. Some greif from previous losses, but not a void.

But before I had my daughter(and after failed pregnancies) I and wanted to be a mom. So I had her and we had our perfect little family and I imagined the rest of my life that way. But then came my son and he fills a place in our family I didn't think even existed. It wasn't a void, but just some room to grow.

Has anyone else felt this way?

Answer 1

My mom and dad felt a void.  They were not infertile.  They had two boys naturally and said what was 'missing' was a little girl.

They thought the chances of conceiving another boy were too great and so special ordered a healthy white infant girl (me!)

I am luckier than some in that my parents did not harbor unresolved grief from past losses that I was expected to heal.  I am extremely lucky that I got the adoptive parents that I did - like many, many adoptive parents, they are wonderful.  

Unfortunately, some adopters are just narcissistic nutjobs and my heart breaks for the little adoptees who get landed with those types of parents.

Luck of the draw I suppose and, although I drew Aces, I have grieved for my lost natural family all my life

Answer 2

i dont see how people can say that having kids of your own is ok but when you adopt its to "fill a void"?

Cant people just adopt because they want a child?

why do people have to critisise them just because the adoptee may have been a 2nd or 3rd choice? so what?

That child has love, a home and a stable family life!!! What would people prefer?

So what if people want to "fill a void", it doesnt mean they cant love a child any less, it doesnt mean they are going to be bad parents.

Some one please mail me and tell me how "filling a void" and wanting to have a child is different?????

Answer 3

I personally think all parents become parents (assuming they do so on purpose and not by accident) in order to fill a void.  However, I also believe that "void" is a completely natural and good thing.  If humans weren't created with the wish/need to parent offspring, then the human race would die out very quickly.  Notice now, that I said with the need to PARENT offspring, not to produce them.  A human child will not survive without parents, even once it has been "created".  The parenting a child receives is just as crucial to it's survival as the initial sexual act that "creates" it.  

My point here is that humans are created with the need to parent (most of us are, nothing is universal) on purpose in order to survive as a species, and develop as a race.  Why on earth would this be considered bad, evil, or problematic?  Of course, anything that is taken to excess can be bad - even drinking too much water can kill a person - but a normal yearning to be a parent is absolutely essential to human kind!  

I also have a very big problem with adoptive parents being called narsissistic nutjobs!  A FEW of them are, but I hardly think the percentage is any higher than the percentage of nutjobs in the population as a whole.  I also hate people who think that adoption is evil because some adoptive children end up being abused - even if the percentage is higher than it is in, so called, "natural" children.  Has anyone bothered to study the percentages of children of teen parents, or parents in poverty being abused or neglected?  They're sky high as well (when compared to the general population).  Does that mean that we should take away children from all teen parents or poor parents (not to mention those that are teens AND poor)?  Of course not!  All it means is that society needs to watch out better for all our children - and society needs to do that anyway.  I believe in counseling in adoptive families, I believe in homestudies, and I could even agree to perhaps standard "checking up" on adoptive families - but to say that these incidents make adotion wrong is ludicrous.  

Wanting to be a parent usually makes a person a better parent than otherwise.  Saying that this makes adopters selfish in their wishes to adopt is just plain dense!  I mean seriously, would you marry a man if you had no wish to be a wife???  Why would anyone adopt if they DIDN'T want to be a parent, if they didn't have a child shaped place in their heart where love for an adoptee could grow?  You might as well say that you can't truly enjoy a steak unless you're a vegetarian!

Answer 4

I just wanted to be a parent, like the majority of parents I know.  I wasn't walking around feeling empty.  Becoming a parent was a wonderful addition to my life.  But, I liked my life to begin with and didn't need anything, or anyone to make me whole.  I'm a complete person and was before my spouse and before we adopted our kids, and will be when and if they ever leave the home.  My world is much more active and undpredictable than it was before, but in a way I wouldn't change for anything, but also wouldn't have known was possible, before I became a parent.  So, how could I have had a void for it, if I didn't know 'it' existed?

Answer 5

I do... I am a 29 year old mom of 2. I can still have children and so can my husband. I have never lost a child or miscarried and yet I am also accused of wanting to fill a void  ( or being infertile) . There are no voids here. I just desire another child and decided I would rather adopt then have another.It is very simple.  Case closed.

Answer 6

People sometimes put either supernatural qualities onto adoptive parents --- they are so good to adopt, they are so generous, they are so philanthropic, etc., or, they put pathological qualities onto them for adopting --- they are filling a void, they are incomplete, they are deficient.  

But the truth is (or should be) that adoptive parents adopt for the SAME reason that other parents choose to become parents -- they want a child to parent and love.  Are some parents (adoptive and bio) a little whacko in their reasoning or justification for parenting?  Sure!  And do some do it to fill a void?  Sure.  But in the long run, it may be less important "why" we parent as "how"!  Unconditionally, fully, joyfully and with total commitment.

Answer 7

Actually I kinda do, not that i have any kids its just that when I in my teens, I found my biological dad and he did not even know I exsisted until he met me and that was when I found out that he already had 2 other kids of his own with his wife and I have to admit it could of turned out a whole lot worse but my stepmom accepted me like she was my biological mom. If any of this makes any sense

Answer 8

Having a child can certainly be to fill a void. You can't even imagine the number of natural mothers who relinquish and then immediately get pregnant again hoping it will heal their loss... and yes I am one of them as was my nmom. It goes both ways, some people may not see it as a "void" per say but it is the same idea. You want a child and don't have one, you feel as though a child will remedy your emotions surrounding being childless ( for whatever reason ) so you have/adopt a child in an attempt to minimize or heal the pain.

I don't think it is the most healthy thing to do, for the mother, but what is done is done. I can't erase my daughter anymore than I can erase my son, I may have had her for the "wrong" reasons but that will never make her any less a part of my family. Many kids enter their families as result of a less than wonderful set of choices, most often they are just as loved as the ones who are born into "perfect" situations.

Answer 9

Florida Gal - what a great way to explain it!  Not a void - but room to grow!  Thanks for sharing that!

I agree with you.  I don't believe our adoption was fulfilling a void.  A desire to parent?  Yes.  A desire to share love with a child?  Yes.  A desire to have a family?  Yes.  But I would not call it a void.   I want to win the lottery too, but I don't feel like there is a void there because I haven't.  : )