Finally Caught my Cheating Wife! What next?

Question

I posted this question only a few days ago;

http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=ApFGoZWCcbdsYWBeroXdaiogBgx.;_ylv=3?qid=20080811001004AAkCuHI

I had a gut feeling from the off. I should trust my instincts more I think.

Anyway, I finally started to get some answers from my wife after I discovered a bank statement which she thought I didn't have access to. There were a couple of transactions on there which alerted my suspicions. Knowing now what I knew I confronted her and said that a family member had thought they saw her at a country pub with someone other than me (I actually said it was someone who looked like a younger version of her dad!) and they were convinced it was her. I told her the pub it was (based on the info from the bank statement) but she still denied she was there. I gave her several opportunities to confess but still she denied it. Then I told her I had some evidence and when I eventually told her what she decided we should "talk". I remained calm through all this, telling her I understood - really I just wanted to encourage her to tell me some truth for once.

It turns out the Sunday I left 'home' after she asked for more space, she went and met this guy (who I suspected all along) at this pub by the canal. they ate, went for a walk, apparently help hands and kissed for the first time. she denies she has kissed him since or done anything more than that. I have my doubts about that as I know she would still be lying to me now if I hadn't produced the evidence I did to force her into telling me.

The other transaction from that account was for another pub on the friday before the saturday/sunday all this happened (when I left on her request). That friday she phoned me to tell me that part of the route home from York was blocked and had to come home another way. No problem there as I knew the motorway was bad. She then phoned me a bit later to say it would be 7.30pm when she would be back for tea, so that was when I would get her dinner ready for her. I remember her coming in. No real emotion from her, no thankyou for all the housework I had done, nothing much really. I think we argued as she told me that the bar-b-q (a work colleagues) she planned to cancel on saturday to allow us to spenn some more time together, hadn't been cancelled and that she was still going. Anyway, she hardly ate anything. Now I know why. She now confesses she met this guy again for lunch on the way back. Lunch? £55? sounds a lot for lunch, more a dinner price in my mind. I did think hotel room but the place doesn't have any. So why didn't she tell me she wasn't going to want to eat dinner as she had already eaten? Why didn't she tell me she was meeting someone? All these questions? It seems he knew more about what was going on in my marriage than I did.

So I have these 2 answers now. I know there are many more. I spoke with her mother last night and she says she can understand how these things happen! She also said she can catagorically say her daughter has not had an affair. Basically putting blame on me I feel. As I said to her, she would still be lying to me now if I hadn't produced some evidence so how can she or I be certain nothing else has happened? I think I upset her mother with my next comment but at this point I was very angry. I said 1st thing Monday I'm going to the doctors for a check-up and I can't believe she has put my health at risk. Her mother said she took offence at that comment. The phone conversation ended shortly after that. Maybe I was wrong there.

I just feel nothing really at the moment. Hollow I guess. I just don't know what to do now for the best. We still live in the same house but have plans in motion to sell. I do go and stop with my parents every now and then to get away though. Do I still look for more answers? I just don't know now what to do. I did phone the other guy up yesterday and left him a message telling him that I wasn't surprised he didn't answer the phone to me, but when he decided to grow a set of b*ll*cks he should call me. To be fair, he did an hour or so later but then I couldn't face talking to him so I just passed the phone to my 'wife' and she just said she would phone him later. She left last night (friday) to go to her brothers but is due back Sunday. I just don't know how to take this forward for the best. How to react? Any help or advice would be appreciated

thanks for reading :)

Answer 1

Your story is very sad and I'm sorry that you are having to face this, but it seems to me that you have already made your choices and know what you want to do next.  Maybe you just need some moral support?  In your heart you know if you want to work it out or if this is the end of your relationship with your wife.  Just remember, if you decide to try to work it out, let it evolve slowly and don't hold back on how you are feeling.  Let your wife know that what she did hurt you and was very wrong.  Tell her that she doesn't have your trust and that if your relationship is ever going to work, she will have to gain it back.  Regardless of whether she was sleeping with him or not, her intent was to deceive you to be with this other man.

Should you decide that you want to end this relationship entirely, know that there are a lot of women out there who are good, honest, and loving.  Learn what you can from your mistakes (no failed relationship is entirely the fault of one party) and look for someone who you know will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve.

On a side note, calling the guy probably didn't change anything.  He knows that he's the mouse that the cat dragged in, but he knew that before he had this secret relationship with your wife.  Telling him to his face that he's lower than dirt doesn't teach him any lessons, it just makes you feel better.  Good luck.

Answer 2

if you stay as you are it will be over very soon, and leave you wanting some form of revenge. can you and your wife get away for a week together to try and sort things out without any interference from others, you would have to leave your phones behind so she cannot contact anyone else, then talk without anger or blame if possible, to see if you still have a future together, if you think you have, she must break all contact with this other person, if not you must sell up and get as much as you can for yourself, I hope you can work it out but if not good luck to you.

Answer 3

i have read both of your questions. I cant believe what a nice guy you are. something is definitely going on with her. maybe and affair maybe not but it seems like she does not love you anymore. you may feel hollow because you are in shock. I am so sorry i wish i could give you a hug. any woman would be happy to have you. I also think you would make a good dad you are so calm and rational. Honey i would just let her go. Find a nice women who will love and appreciate you and make you a daddy. being a parent is one of life's most wonderful joys.

Answer 4

I think I would leave her, but you have to go what you think you should do. In the end that will be the answer but I want to give you advice and before I do just think to yourself. Have I been treating my wife right of how ever long we have been together, judge yourself no different than God will. That is absolutely no excuse to cheat on you though. If you and her want to continue a relationship with each other, be open and talk to each other. You know, you know what to do, if you really put thought into it, you will have your answer.You already know what to do just really think abhout it. But just try to talk to her intimately just once before you make your final decision.  

Answer 5

If you want her back .. get a girlfriend .. ask her  to phone you at home ... alot ....when your wife can overhear .. buy some new clothes ..get a hair cut ..make yourself into the attractive man that your wife fell for... laugh out loud, be happy, go out with the lads too ....don`t mope in front of her ....be chatty and helpful ..pretend you`re happier now than you`ve been for ages ... tell her she`s right...a separation is JUST what`s needed .. she will sh*t herself ..... there`s nothing like realising that your husband is attractive to other women  to make you want him again . .

Good luck hun ...

Answer 6

well ive been in this situation before first thing you need to remember when your digging for dirt you need to keep in mind youll find things you dont wanna know.

the funny thing about finding out the truth is figureing out if your ready to handle the truth

i think you should move on honestly and just start from stratch while i know this is hard (TRUST me i know)

you have to remember that if someone really loves you they wont continuesly cheat what ive also learned is "the first time" is not really the first time thats just what they say since thats the only time you caught them

you have to remember while having someone feels great your the only person you can count on and if you dont try your hardest to make yourself happy who will?

Answer 7

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, however i think you maybe being a bit naive. If she has been continuiously lying to you and only decided to tell the truth when you produced the evidence then i think there is more to this then just a couple of meals and a kiss.

It seems to me that you have been doing everything in your power to make your relationship work and she has just been treating you like dirt.

If I was in the same situation as you then i would finish things for good. She obviously cannot be trusted, why would you want to put yourself through even more heartache? The fact that the other guy only calls back when you leave him a message like that makes me thing that there is definitely more going on than meets the eye.

I hope you manage to get your situation resolved, one way or another.

Answer 8

that is deep! and to be honest the woman does not have any self respect get a divorce you dont need that **** in your life dear, your waste your life

if you forgive her, you will be telling her in her head to carry on....move on she obviously dont respect you or herself  

Answer 9

forget about her.

Answer 10

**** her

+

Answer 11

Dear Glen,

It's funny in sad kind of way to read your post. I was in the same EXACT position. It was my husband that behave badly and cause such a grieve in my life. I know how you feel 100% and to be honest my situation is slightly worse because we have a child between us.

Here's my advice. I know at the moment you might feel that you just can't imagine stay alive without your wife but trust me you CAN! It will take time and I warn you.. It's going to be hard and hurt. But you have to see that she's not the one for you and you deserve much more.

I think you should filed a divorce and be prepare for war. She's not going to let go easily. Be firm and FAIR. Take what's yours. Go and see a good solicitor and they can give you a good advise.

So, let her go and start a new start without her. It took me months to realise that I can live without him and guess what, I'm happier without him. My ex was my first love, my live and my everything but he treated me like piece of dirt. Just like your wife treats you. I know what you're feeling and trust me.. you'll be better of without her... NO DOUBT!

Now, keep your chin up.. wake up, take control of your life, be strong and be step ahead of her. You can do it. Be strong and brave!

Good luck!

Sxx

Answer 12

its pretty simple, confront her, talk to her, Then you have 3 choices.

1) ignore it  (dumb )

2) counseling

3) divorce

Answer 13

Oh, how awful. I have been through the same thing with my husband, so I totally sympathise with you. He lied through his teeth to me about absolutely everything, and your wife's behaviour sounds very similar, I'm sorry to say. I think you can two options here: the clean break, or the long drawn out torture.

Right now your wife is only thinking about what she wants. You need to think about what you want. Do you want a divorce? If so, don't move out yet (as this may compromise your final settlement) but get some legal advice first. Do you want to forgive and stay married? If so, you need to calculate your actions carefully for the effect they will produce on her. Don't sit around patiently waiting for her to 'work through this' and 'get her mind straight' etc... Take action. Move out, or make her move out. Why should you have to leave your home when she is the one who 'wants space'?  She won't respect you if she thinks you're a pushover who can't stand up for himself or take a firm line, and when a woman cannot respect a man she cannot find him attractive, either.  You've let her make all the running: you've let her take control. Take it back.

Do whatver you need to do to get what you want from this situation, and show her that you mean it and can carry through.

The alternative is to keep giving in to her in the hope that she will eventually 'comes to her senses'. This was the option I chose when dealing with my own similar situation. It resulted in a year of suffering (for me and the kids) and we ended up divorced anyway. I don't advise you to take this option.  

Answer 14

Hello. I have read your other question as well as this one and really feel for you, i am sorry that you are having to go through this. It will be awkward at first when you're together in the house, or you have to talk about stuff. Use the weekend to think things through - if you feel that she has given you all the answers you need and it's enough to begin to move on from this, leave it at that. When she comes back on Sunday discuss the things that need to happen next.

If however there are some unanswered things then maybe explain to your wife that she needs to be honest and truthfully answer your questions, no matter how much they might hurt, as it's something that will help YOU to move on. It's all about YOU. For me, I always need to know everything so i'm not left wondering, and sometimes the truth has really upset me, but in the long run it's helped me to understand that I can do better and I can move on.

When you see your wife next time, be cool and calm. You seem to be the kind of person who is thoughtful, and can reflect on things really well. At the  moment it looks as though you really need space (i think someone said this in your last question). You may need some time to live life by being by yourself - get in touch with all your friends, begin to be independent again and just be yourself. Everything won't be great  straight away bu at least you have a starting point. Good luck :)  

Answer 15

if shes coming back sunday..make sure youve packed her bags and left them on the doorstep,either that or burn them.

sorry bud,shes taking you for a ride while shes getting several????

Answer 16

Divorce her, you'll both be happier. She, because she can go back to riding other people without worrying about you, and you'll be a lot happier too, and you can go find that certain somebody.

Answer 17

It's a difficult situation to resolve because you're feeling really sh**ty but the only way she'll want to be with you now is if you have fun, go out and be your old self who made her laugh.

It's easy to point fingers but let's not, the point is you've grown apart. Now you have to ask yourself do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone you don't trust.

I'm sorry I can't say the magic sentence to make everything ok, I guess sometimes in life, you just have to find your own answers.

Answer 18

say your breaking up live seperatley move on

Answer 19

keep a diary of all thats going on,you will need this when you see a lawer and stand b4 a judge.

do not let this woman walk over you.

get youself a better woman,believe me there a plenty out there that wont cheat on you.

Answer 20

yeh - pack all her stuff etc. or pack your stuff & leave. seriously. dont put up with her sh*t. u might be really hurting right now, but ur just gonna keep getting hurt as time goes by if things continue like this... she has lied 2 u sooooo many times. that in itself is terrible, but cheating is so, so wrong! u seem like a decent guy and im sure there are so many women out there who would treat u the way u deserve 2 be treated. x x

Answer 21

Time to move on, dude.

Answer 22

Sorry to say but you should file for divorce.

If she's willing to lie and sneak around on you now she'll do it again in the future.

Answer 23

if she is doing all of this and keeps saying she needs space .there is something wrong . she parently loved you to marry you . so has something happened to cause her change . have you not given her attention Women needs lot and to be shown you luv them ) but if nothing has happened she just wants out it sounds like to me . Maybe not completely right now but is testing the waters. if she keeps wanting space and leaving for weekends i would end it . or try counseling if you luv her that much . then maybe you can see what the problem is and fox it . I cant say why she is doing this ,, i know whay i have before and i aint cheating person . but you can be pushed away . and feel lonely .. so you have to ask yourself them questions and go with your heart  

Answer 24

i think it would be the best for both of you if you just seperate.

Answer 25

Maybe you should grow a set and leave that whoring beaatch!

Answer 26

Sorry for your loss matey, I hope the grieving process is quick for you. Seriously, once a liar always a liar, and even if she didn't do anything more than hold hands, she still was endeavouring to start a new relationship with somebody else behind your back, and didn't even have the respect for you to admit her wrongdoing when you first confronted her with it.

Who cares what her mother thinks. She doesn't pay your bills, and once you cut ties, hopefully you wont have anything else to do with her either. I hope that there are no children involved in all this.

Don't get petty and messy with all of this. Calmly put her stuff out ready for her return home, ask her to move back with her mother, sell your house, give her her share, and move on with your life. Like they say, the best revenge is to do better in life, so find yourself an honest NICE woman, get married and have a wonderful life! (Either that or buy yourself a Porche and shag every blonde bimbette you see! lol)

I wish you all the best of luck with this! My heart goes out to you.

Answer 27

Hi,I can understand how you feel. because I had the same experience 4yrs back but unfortunately Im still married to him. but every now & then I cant forget the truth that he cheated me. it's like a knife in my heart. I was helpless , no job and I am waman so couldnt take a deceision. but you are a man, I honestly say that you should leave her as she is not meant to be a good wife for you. you sound to be a decent guy. your wife has cheated you, lied to you & broke the true meaning of marriage. all the best.

Answer 28

sounds like she is s******g around with your head man.