Finding a balance?

Question

I understand that raising an adopted child is not the same as raising a biological child. But I also know that adoptees don't necessarily enjoy having their adopted status pointed out to them (i.e. the discussions on "gotcha day" parties and whatnot have spurred lots of comments like, "I don't want to be reminded that I'm different"). What can I do to find a balance between these two things?

Answer 1

I have 2 children that are adopted.They know that they are extra special. The reason they are extra special is simple. This is how I explain it to them. When a mommy has a baby in her tummy she has to take what God gives her, she could have all girls or all boys. God made it so your Mommy and Daddy got to pick if they wanted a girl or a boy. They love the fact that we picked them out , of all the children we could have picked we picked them. My daughter told my niece her cousin "My Mommy picked me out special and your Mommy just got stuck with you". I did tell her that was not a very Nice thing to say. But now we all laugh about it.

Good luck with all you do and find .

Answer 2

you just have to understand that you were adopted away because your mother loved you and the people that accepted you love you too. it is not easy though.

and am sure if you were not told that you were adopted, and you found out later in life, you would be really angry or disappointed. so thank God you know.

be strong and appreciate what you have, others might say that you are lucky.

Answer 3

I'm not sure this will answer your question, but my three adopted children LOVE to celebrate their adoption anniversaries!  For them, it's like having another birthday.  We don't have a big party with all the friends or cousins, or anything like that.  It's just among the children and myself....they get to pick their favorite restaurant, and we go out to dinner.  I get them a special little gift.   This way, we are acknowledging a very special day in their lives and mine, without making a big public occasion out of it that makes them feel "different."

Answer 4

On the day we adopted our oldest daughter we place two books under pillow.  one from mom and dad and on from her sisters.  These books sometimes deal with adoption sometimes they are just funny books that remind us of her.  Nothing is said.  its just a sweet reminder that she is loved and appreciated as a member of this family.

some books are:

meet Danitra Brown

girls hold up this world

cinder-edna

l love my hair

its ok to be different

what i like about me

and theres a wonderful snowflake book i'll try to find it.

Answer 5

I can't say that I know what you mean.  I've got 1 adopted son and 1 biological son and I raised both exactly the same, no differences whatsoever!  Other than that we celebrate my adopted son's birthday and his adoption day (per his request).  I've raised him since he was 2, and the adoption was finalized when he was 8, he's now 11.  A few of his close friends know he is adopted, but he chooses who he wants to tell.  I don't even think of it in everyday life to be honest.  

In fact, last week I went to a new primary doctor, and when I filled out the questionnaire, it asked how many live births I've had, and I almost put down 2 without thinking.

Answer 6

My position is that I allow my kids to take the lead.... The truth is that parenting is unique for each of my 4-children...As they have each had their own issues, needs and ideas....  Having been the mother of Healthy Born Babies I also became a Mother of a Special Needs Biological child when he was 9 and had a horrible accident.... So His needs Changed and I did too.... His needs were Not the Same 9 years after I became his mother--and he was no longer that perfect baby I gave birth....

With my Adopted Children it is up to them how they want to manage their adoption story...

We adopted siblings--she was five and she remembers, she has Ractive Attachment Disorder -- disinhibited type--- When she meets someone she usually says, "My name is M, I got adopted...." Yep, this is part of RAD and Yep, it is her right.... I am not going to tell her she can't define herslef by the most dramatic thing she has lived so far.... She wants to remember the days....she wants to have special attention about adoption and she turns in all the essays about being adopted....

On the other hand her bioligical little brother doesn't feel the same way.... He knows that his sister has brain damaber (she is also FASD) and he knows from his sister telling him that he was born addicted to drugs...and that he was taken into care because his mother was using drugs and didn't take good care of him....  

He handles it completely differently--he has his Own feelings and he doesn't want to talk about being adopted... He wants to ask pregnant women if they are eating right and not taking drugs--he wants to stand on the corner with signs that say, "Dont take Drugs if you have a baby in your Tummy" He wants to change his first name after learning it is the one his mother gave him...He wants to be called the name of his Adopted Grandfather.... He doesn't want to see the pictures or celebrate the days....and he rejects the idea he had a different mother.... and hurts his sisters feelings because he calls her a "baby sitter" (He doesn't have regular baby sitters so he might not confuse this if he did)

Either way both children feel different.... and have different needs.... And BOTH will have different feelings as time goes on..... and both will need to to process what they feel and what they need as time goes on.... AND just because this is how they Feel today doesn't mean I sit back and set it in Stone---tomorrow a new feeling may come up or a new understanding made...

My daughter might heal from her RAD to a point she stops Defining herself by her adoption--or might not.... My son might mature enough to realize what happend and process it better but I suspect he will always drive pregnant mothers crazy with his worry...

This isn't much different then raising any child and it is always interesting to watch them grow and form their own minds... Either way however I do expect to hear all about how I messed up as a mother--but, I know right now that would be true for my children adopted or not... after all my bios are at the age where they are pointing out every failure I made with them and as different as my adopted children are so to \are my bios... Unique and different and blame mom for any failures.... but, that is life.

Answer 7

You need to find a comfortble balance for your family, and then take ques from your child!  One of my children never remembered the specific day of celebration, and it did not seem to mean a lot to her.  Nor did she relish telling others about her adoption, but rather chose to share info with a couple of close friends.  We watched her a she grew up and took our ques from her. She was not a very demonstrative child, but more reserved and private.  She would just sit and be quiet when people would ask us if she were adopted (we are a transracial family).  She would shrug it off if strangers asked questions, or just answer directly and move on.  As she got older, I asked her if she got tired of people asking questions about her adoption, and she said Yes.  I asked if she minded the attention that adoption drew to her and she said Yes.  We have always watched carefully her reaction and personality and took it from there.  If she had a different personality or take on this "adoption thing" (as she said) then we would probably do the same.  Now, it is hers to tell or not tell, celebrate or not celebrate.  I agree, that "Gotcha Days"  are, in my opinion, kind of crass, for us.  ("Court Day" sounds better to me anyway, if the day needs recognition.)  But we should not make adoption a burden for a child, nor should we make it their identity.  No more than "Snatch You" day celebrations for c-section babies, or "Step Day' for step children.  Adoption is not who they are!  It is simply the way they came to us.  It is simply another way to have a family.  That's all.  Children should not feel singled out, or "special" for being adopted.  Special=different and most children do not want to feel different.

Answer 8

We try to take our cues from the children.  Sometimes we bring up the topic of adoption, of what they left behind and their feelings.  Sometimes the children respond by talking about it, other times they change the subject.  Conversely, if the children bring it up, I know they've been stewing over something and we talk about it.  

Our homecoming day is coming up.  I mentioned it at dinner last night and both of the children were very excited. They want a party with cake, ice cream and a jumping castle, as well as dinner and a movie and video games.  

I think we'll tone it down a bit!  

But if the children didn't seem interested in commemorating their homecoming day, we wouldn't.

ETA: we call it a homecoming day, rather than a "gotcha" day or an "adoption" day.  Our children's situation is such that the feeling of loss of their natural family is a separate issue than their journey to America to be with their current family.  Obviously, I'm not going into huge details here, but the children really do separate these two events.  They don't seem to view it as an acknowledgement of their loss, but as the start of something new.  That's just our situation and I always say to take your cues from the children.  Other children may take an entirely different view of the matter.

Answer 9

Maybe just try to be as normal as you can..like the child wasn't adopted. I mean like don't have a party for "gotcha day" have an actual birthday party on the child's birthday! So what if you didn't give birth to him/her, you took the child to raise as your own, to me that says you are the child's parent, period :) I wish I had some more advice, this is an interesting question. Good luck to you!