Finding parents, two sets of parents,?

Question

My husband was adopted and he knows few things about his parents, where he was born and what they looked like. His mother will not tell him anything about them and he is blocked from searching for them. I know his mother knows more than she is telling him because when I was pregnant with our first child she gave me a list of health concerns on his side, also she said his birth mother wrote him letters till he was 6 and then she told her to stop and let them be a family. I don't want to tell him about the letters because it could cause a conflict but I don't think it is right for her not to tell him anything. Is there a way around this and starting with practically nothing or should he just keep asking his mother. (it does make her upset and she has heart problems.)

Answer 1

Rachael and I wern't the only ones to be reunited through classmates.com I read another story yesterday about a man (I think) who went there looking for his mother and she contacted him. You do have to have some information to get started with that though. He had her name and where she went to school. Since your mother in law confided in you I think you should gently point out to her how much it is affecting him and since she does has heart problems, the life long ramifications it is going to have on him if he is never able to find out. It will, I'm sure change his feelings for her as a mother for being so selfish. Not to say that he won't still love her but there will always be that stigma that she created.

Answer 2

some times the past is better left in the past.you need to ask yourself, will it change who he is now,will it hurt more?unless he was kidnapped it might be better to let this sleeping dog lie.lots of luck I truly hope for the best

Answer 3

Your husband is no longer a child.  Searching for his heritage does not in any way shape or form negate the parents who raised him.

I think you should find a quiet time to sit down with your MIL and have a heart to heart with her.  Let her know you think her son needs to have all of the info she gave to you.  Ask her to tell him HERSELF.  Let her know that he is not looking to replace her, but he needs to know.  

Tell her that you don't feel right keeping this information from him and you'd like her to tell him instead of you.  You may want to tell her that if she doesn't tell him by X date, you will do so yourself.

Answer 4

i went to the courthouse in the county where i was adopted with my birth cert. to the birth/marriage/death cert department.

i took my birth cert with me. i had to fill out several papers to be put on the adoption registry. what happens then is if you filled out the papers and the bio family filled out the papers then they match you up. i live in michigan and they told me that the case number at the top of my cert matched the originial one my birthmother signed when i was born. if he has any other info write it on the form.

there was no charge for this when i did it. i dont know if that is still true or not.

make sure you check in once and a while, to keep them working on it. i kind of got lost in the 'red tape' for a while and when i called to check my case had pretty much came to a screaching hault. but once i started checking in it only took a few weeks.

many adoptive parents feel this way. dont let him take it personal. i know my family thought i was looking to replace them, which wasnt and still isnt true. but i can imagine it does hurt a little.

if by chance you find out names, my birthmother and i found my bio father on classmates.com. he had a common name and we struggled to find the right one. but once she joined that it was only a matter of days before she was in contact with someone that knew where he was.

good luck. i hope it all turns out well for you and your husband

Answer 5

Ask her. I am sure he loves her.  Maybe she has her own reasons for protecting him or she is afraid of losing him.  Either way, in  his own mind, knowing more about his mother will give him peace.  Yes, ask politely and explain why.

Answer 6

Hi Flay,

Thank you for being a caring and supportive spouse to your husband.  As an adoptee, I think I have a grasp on the situation as you described it.  I find some of the details of this case disturbing.

If there is information that his adoptive parents know, they should have already revealed that to him, certainly no later than age 18.  That information is not theirs to withhold.  It rightfully belongs to your husband.  When he was a child, then yes, the parents were trustees of that information for him.  Nobody has a greater right to his information now than your husband.  His mother obviously has her own needs that are interfering with her ability to provide for the needs of her adopted son.  If it makes her upset, that's no reason to keep his information from him permanently.  She does not seem to have an accurate perspective on what it means to be an adoptive parent.  Perhaps she was not properly counselled as to how raising adopted children is different from raising biological ones.  I'm sorry to say she is not displaying a good example of what a loving adoptive parent should be.

I know you love your husband, and you want to do what is best for him.  If his parents will not give him his information, you should know that you really have a moral obligation to reveal to him what you know about the letters and anything else you may know.  You are correct in that it's not right for her to keep that from him.  You see, by withholding what you know, that could be interpreted as making you a co-conspirator.  You should try to remedy this situation as soon as possible.  Adoptees resent having secrets kept about them.  Secrets are not healthy for any family.  Including yours.  If he were to find out that you were in on that as well, it could lead him to experience feelings of mistrust & betrayal towards you.  I'm sure you do not want to be a part of that.  Please do the right thing and tell him what you know.  Have you considered how you would feel if the tables were turned and it was him and your parents all keeping a huge, important secret from you?  He is a legal adult now.  I'm sure he will be able to deal with any information that is there, even if it is negative.  Almost everyone knows some negative facts about members of their families.  They deal with it just fine.  For your mother-in-law to assume that he will not be able to do so, is patronizing and reinforces the idea that adoptees are still children.  It doesn't even matter what the information is!  The fact is, it's his, not hers to screen for him any longer.  There is no reason whatsoever that can justify her actions.

It is possible that your mother-in-law fears that her connection with your husband must be controlled in order for it to survive.  That's not thinking of his best interests.  Once again, it's focused on HER and HER needs & wants.  It sounds like she may be uneducated on what adoptee's searching really means.  Some unenlightened adoptive parents, particularly those from the baby scoop era, equate searching with being about them as parents when it's not.  They might fear there will not be enough love left over for them.  They might fear they will be replaced.  The reality is adoptee searches are important to the adoptee's sense of self, & it's not about adoptive parents at all.  It is ignorant if she is putting any such significance on that.

You say she has blocked him from searching.  There is much he can do on his own.   However, there will not be another source that will provide him with copies of those personal letters that were left in his adoptive mother's care.  I'm certain I can speak for the majority of adoptees when I say that behavior (not returning our letters from our  natural families & withholding pertinent information) would make us furious!  The ironic thing is, she may be doing that in an attempt to draw him closer to her.  Unfortunately, that backfires and pushes people away.

Perhaps her plan is to leave that to him upon her death.  It's still wrong for her to hoard his identity and family background and information.  Please do whatever you can to pursuade her otherwise.  Not only is she depriving your hubby of his family info, but also depriving your children and all future descendants of yours & your husband's, too.  I think the key may lie in showing her that it is more productive to be supportive during adoptee searches than to try to fight it.  She sounds very insecure and may need extra reinforcements on how much she is loved and always will be loved no matter what, etc.  You have my blessings, as you certainly have your work cut out for you here!  Feel free to return to this forum as new questions arise and I'm sure the members here will be happy to offer their advice and insight.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 7

Ask the mom who raised him for the name of the lawyer or agency so you can find out information for health reasons.  You ask, not your hubby.  She may be willing to give you that, then, you can both have better search results!  Good luck!  If his mom has a "family" or any other lawyer that you know of, go to them directly, they may not have the iformation but might be able to get it for you.  (Try to side step his mom but don't stop searching!  I think the birth mom has the right to know he is okay and has a family of his own now.)

Answer 8

Oh my.

I can't believe they've kept so much from him.

I would be so very very angry - and hurt - and disappointed - and hurt.

Please give all this info to your husband. It is his - it belongs to him.

His adoptive parents have no right to keep it from him - and you shouldn't either.

As far as searching - he can place his name on registries - ISRR is the most important one -

http://www.isrr.net/registration.shtml

Also try this one -

http://registry.adoption.com/

Both require that the adoptee or birth parent place their details on the registries - and if the other parties have also placed their details - details are matched.

Two other places to look re searching -

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/

http://adopteerights.net/nulliusfilius/?...

You can only get an original birth certificate if the state allows it - sadly only a hand-full do - the rest are sealed FOR LIFE.

Click on the states on that last list to see what state laws apply.

For any search - you'll require his date of birth - and where he was born.

I do wish you all the very best.

I cry when adoptive parents do this stuff. I really cry.

Your husband should have had those letters years ago. They are his. Even if they are addressed to his adoptive mother - they should be given to him. And to think that his adoptive mother drove away his birth mother like that. The only word that comes to mind - selfish. She's made it ALL about her - and NOT about the child. THIS is what is soo very very wrong with so many adoptions.

I wish you all the very best with the search.

If your husband ever needs support - send him over to -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

A place started by adoptees - for adoptees.

Answer 9

The first place to start is with the information he DOES know.  Was he adopted through an agency or social services? Does he knows what hospital he was born in and/or any circumstances surrounding his adoption?  

First, contact the agency that handled his adoption & request his "non-identifying information".  Inquire as to whether they have a reunion registry, and if so, fill out the forms authorizing the release of his information.  See this link for help:

http://www.in.gov/isdh/bdcertifs/history...

Second, contact Indiana's State Reunion Registry & submit his information.  See the following links:

http://www.state.in.us/icpr/webfile/form...

http://www.state.in.us/icpr/webfile/form...

Third, if he was in foster care prior to relinquishment, he may be able to access court records using his original birth name (if he knows it).  

If he knows what hospital he was born at, he may be able to get a copy of his records.  Probably more non-identifying information. However, the hospital may not have been notified about his adoption.  A hospital worker gave me my birth mother's name over the phone not knowing I was adopted. I already knew her name by that time, but was surprised to find out I could have gotten it earlier.

And, of course, as Possom suggested, sign up with the International Soundex Reunion Registry:

http://www.isrr.net/

Keep a "search" binder with copies of every piece of correspondence sent out, all responses received, and a log of agencies, address', phone numbers, contact names and information gathered.  Doing this will help avoid duplication of his (your) efforts, help ensure you receive a response &/or follow up as needed, and help develop a guide map to the next step.  I still have my binder from 1983! It's like an adoption search scrapbook!  

Vital records link:

http://www.vitalrec.com/in.html#State

Other information about adoption & searching in Indiana:

http://www.in.gov/isdh/bdcertifs/history...

http://www.geocities.com/tmusso.geo/stat...

http://www.geocities.com/heartland/count...

That said, it's a common response of many adoptive parents to feel threatened & fearful when adoptees search.  It's terribly sad (& selfish) that his mother has withheld letters from him and is unwilling to provide what information she does have.  Hopefully, she will come to realize that his search has nothing to do with his feelings for her, and that even with reunion, she will still be his mom.  You can try to reassure her of this if you feel so inclined.  By withholding information, she will damage their relationship when he finds out.  And he WILL find out.  

Your husband does not need her permission nor her consent to do his own search.  Although, crazy as it sounds - some agencies require "parental consent" for ADULT adoptees to obtain THEIR information.  

I totally agree with grumppop, who wrote, "Tell her that you don't feel right keeping this information from him and you'd like her to tell him instead of you. You may want to tell her that if she doesn't tell him by X date, you will do so yourself."

It's not right of her to ask you to keep secrets from your husband - especially ones that can damage his trust in you, as well as cause damage to your relationship/marriage.  

Best wishes, my friend!  E-mail me if you need more information.