First Parents and Adoptees: Therapy v. Support Groups?

Question

I have been thinking about finding someone to talk to, and in a recent hospital visit (inflammed intestine) I had a hosp. psychiatrist (who somehow new my whole story) come visit me and suggest I go see an out patient therapist. I'm not sure that I want to talk to someone who has absolutely no idea what I'm going through. This is amplified by the fact that a friend, who is in a similar situation, went to a therapist and on her first visit she was told she just needed to "get over it" since it wasn't in her control any longer.

Do you think it would be more helpful to go to a support group with people who are going through or have gone through similar experiences? What are the pros and cons of each?

Thanks

Answer 1

about what?  pros and cons of what??  going to talk to someone about being adopted?  about finding your birth parents?  

Therapists are a bunch of money grubbing fools- most of them...far and few between will you find someone that is NOT there to listen and spew out advice that anyone with slight experience wtih common sense couldnt figure out for themselves...support groups would probably be best...than you could weigh your thoughts against others and solve most of the problems on your own with people that may have more of a clue about what you are going thru than a therapist paid to sit there and listen whether they really want to or not.

Answer 2

Camira,

I'm an adoptee and I've done both.  They are both good (or can be) but for different reasons.  I had an experience similar to your friend's wherein a therapist told me (essentially) to "get over it" too.  My solution to that was to report him to his licensing board -- I gave this a lot of thought as I'm also a licensed professional, but his words to me did rise to the level of unethical.  I also sought (and found) another therapist...Counselor, in the second case, who had chosen to specialize in adoption.  He counsels both child/teen and adult adoptees and I've found his experience in this area to be extensive.  The groups I've attended have been good because of the shared-experience phenomenon.  The fact that everyone there had *some* of the same background I did -- as in, all were touched by adoption.  One of my groups was only open to adopted persons (adoptees).  Another was open to all members of the triad (adoptee, adoptive and pre-adoptive parents, first parents) and even siblings and other relatives of triad members.  That group was the most eye-opening for me, personally.

So, for me, the 'pros' of groups are shared experiences, shared insights, new insights from 'regular' people who've had similar feelings, more people (and thus a variety of experiences and opinions), and more.  I don't have too many 'cons' for groups except the occasional differences-of-opinion getting overheated and sometimes mean.

The pros of therapy are more privacy, more time/opportunity to discuss *my* own experience (in groups you have to take turns...but that's okay), and the knowledge and therapeutic expertise of a trained professional...especially one who specializes in this area.  The cons of therapy are that you only have two opinions to work with (yours and the therapists) and they may or may not have 'been there' themselves.

I always (when I'm asked) recommend both, if it can be done.

Good luck!

Answer 3

I would say that you could probably benefit from both therapy and support groups, at least I know I have!

Now here's the tricky part about therapy...many therapists don't acknowledge (mostly out of ignorance I think) that adoption (or in your case relinquishment through coercion) is a subject that should be talked about. I have made it perfectly clear in therapy that my issues stem from adoption and that it is valuable to talk about, however I do meet with some therapist resistence. For adoptees I'd look into a therapist that comes from more of a psychodynamic perspective (ala freud) because it deals with childhood issues. When you look at a therapists bio it should deal somehow with grief or family issues...but most importantly make sure that it's a good fit. I don't mind educating my therapist on some of the adoption stuff, so for me it was about being comfortable with the therapist, rather than just finding someone who specialized in adoption.

Support groups can be tricky, too, because while the people who are attending them are in a similar situation (or can certainly relate) they aren't trained professionally to help aid people in the process of working through the grief (which does not just mean 'get over it'). I've experienced some groups that have been very supportive and encouraging and have helped me grow and heal....and then there are some groups (not necessarily just adoption related btw) that seem to keep me stuck in patterns of 'woe is me.' I think finding a balance of acknowledging the pain and feeling it, but moving forward into healing (whatever path that takes for you).

Hope that helps some. Joe Soll has a great book on adoption healing for first parents that I haven't read (but read his adoption one) and it was very helpful, so there might be some more resources there for you to try out!

Answer 4

Definitely both.

Its good to speak with a professional about your personal dilemma and get advice on how to work through your emotions. Its also good for group therapy so you'll meet others that are going or have gone through what you have so you won't feel alone and unique. It will be good that you can pick up the phone when you need to talk about an issue and not dwell in it and go nuts.  Good luck. I'm sure it will be tough at first but after a while it will get better.

I hope you get some positive news about your case soon.

Edit:

Make sure the counselor you go to is not pro-adoptions or pro-life, avoid the christian type counselors. They are the worst and are biased toward nmoms.

Answer 5

Well, someone who has tried both may be better equipped to answer...  

I know that, for me, a support group avoids some of the pitfalls others have reported about therapy.  You don't have to worry about the therapist dismissing adoption as an issue.  (Many therapists will.  There are a few good ones, though, if you can find them.)  And hearing stories from others who have gone through some of the same things can be very helpful and validating.  

For me, the biggest downside to the support group I go to is that it meets only once a month.  

Therapy (if you can find the right therapist) can help you work on more serious issues.  But the support group is better at (surprise) emotional support.  

You don't have to choose, either.  I would suggest trying both and see what works for you.  (I know people who attend our support group and have a therapist.)

Good luck.

Answer 6

Well, I don't understand exactly what you are going through from your question- the experience of an inflamed intestine? I am not sure why you had a psychiatrist for an inflamed intestine. What kind of psychological help are you seeking?

I feel like support groups are helpful in that you meet similar people in similar situations, and it can help you feel comforted. On the other hand a private therapist can be more one on one and more private in dealing with issues that you may not want to share with strangers.

Good luck!

Answer 7

I'm not an adoptee or first parent, but I have some counseling education, and I'll share what other adoptees have told me.  Many adoptees have reported that therapists aren't necessarily understanding of adoption issues and tell them to "get over it", like your friend experienced.  I do think that finding a good therapist who does understand can be very very helpful.  Support groups are wonderful.  They are useful in two ways.  First, you feel affirmation because you are around people who understand your feelings.  Also, as you give advice to other people, process other people's situations, you process your own.  They can be very very effective, and probably the way to go for typical adoption issues.  However, if you think you have more serious problems than could be addressed in a support group, or you just want individual therapy and think it would be helpful, do that also or instead of a support group.  Just make sure you find someone who is therapeutic, not harmful!

Answer 8

I've had more luck with support groups. I have a cafemom group just for moms that lost children to adoption. Its hard to find a safe place to explore the darker not so happy feelings.

I have had a couple horrid therapists. My fav suggested that I  run out and adopt a baby girl because that was sure to help me get over my daughter being gone.

BTW I also fought for my baby so if you ever need to take email me

Answer 9

In this country people are conditioned to believe that adoption is a win/win/win situation, adoption is wonderful and adopters are heroes.  Anyone or anything that threatens that viewpoint, shakes their perceptions or threatens their illusions is bad.  Mothers who question or try to assert their rights are called bitter and angry...adult adoptees are called ungrateful.  But, all that denial doesn't change the facts.  Adoption hurts people and leaves damage in its wake.

Psychologists and therapists are only human, and in fact many have themselves been "touched" by adoption.  They come into their sessions with their own viewpoints, their own perceptions and their own illusions, just as anyone else does.  The problem is that sometimes those perceptions can interfere with their objectivity.  

I conducted interviews with several therapists before entering therapy.  I came to believe that it is impossible to understand the negative implications of adoption unless one has been on the losing end of it themselves.  I spent a huge amount of time educating, and explaining where I was and why to very compassionate and caring, but none the less ignorant therapists.  Why waste time, energy or money like that?  

I found my greatest healing, now almost 2 decades of it, through on-line support groups that are specific to my generation, my experience.  I am a BSE mother.  My son and I have been in an unsatisfactory reunion for 19 years.  On-line groups, reading as much as I could, and working to affect change have been the most healing for me.  I suppose that one may get some good help from therapists, but that hasn't been my experience.  I hope that it works for you.  

Sandy Young

Senior Mother

1967

Answer 10

There are some therapists that specialize in adoption issues.  But you would have to do some research to find one near you.  Support groups might be a good starting place.  They may be able to give you some leads.

Answer 11

Dear Camira,

OMG! Tell your friend, DON'T EVER GO BACK TO THAT STUPID WOMAN! She shouldn't even attempt to counsel FPs if that is her attitude!

BTW, the same thing happened to me. I was refered to a counselor at the hopspital who had NO IDEA what she was talking about and thought I should try anti-depressants to deal with the situation and "get past it". PFFFT!

FPs should ONLY get counseling from someone who specializes in FP issues, IMO. Someone who either "gets it" or has been there. Unfortunately these people are few and far between!

Please come to Adoption Threads or join another support group! You will find some support and advice from people who ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT!!!

http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=adoptio...

E-mail me if you want to talk to another first mom - I am here if you need me! (((Camira)))

ETA: OMG, Pete! That is just INSANE!! They must have gone to the "give 'em a Cabbage Patch" school of therapy!

Answer 12

How about some on-line free therapy from a counselor who himself is an adoptee, and has been working with adoptees & first mothers for over 20 yrs.?

Go to:

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org

Free evening chat with Joe Soll.

Answer 13

I went to counselor, not a psychiatrist. I really got a lot out of it. He was a very good listener and I was allowed to talk about everything, I got a lot out about my childhood too.