First Parents if you could go back in time, would you choose adoption for your child again?

Question

I know not all First Parents even had a choice in choosing adoption in the first place. So if going back in time and you having complete control over this choice would you choose adoption?

Stephanie B., I asked this question for you. You seem like such a happy and beautiful young woman. I want you to make an informed decision:) (i am assuming this from your last asked question, sorry if i'm wrong)

Answer 1

I still struggle with that very question.  There are days when I reflect on my life now and think that what I did was best for her (I work a lot and I barely see my four year old daughter).  But then there are days when I wish like h**l that I had not gone thru with it.  My daughter wants to see her baby sister.  She wants to know that she is alright and photos are not enough.  My family grieves for the loss of a grandchild/niece/great-grandchild......a family that is absolutely HUGE and full of great-aunts, cousins, great grandparents, steps, etc that love and support all of the children....a family that would risk their own life for their children.....

Woulda....coulda....shoulda......I made the choice and I can only hope that both my children will forgive me when they fully understand the impact of this decision and how it has affected their lives.

Answer 2

My family's 70's generation lost one to adoption. From that horrific experience, my family has lost some to abortion and have embraced several true b******s.  Happily, our family has had no further losses to the scourge of adoption.

Answer 3

I have no real place answering this question but I wanted to take the opportunity to express a very heartfelt thank you to those of you who made this difficult decision and in making it gave a gift to those of us who were the recipients. I'm only sorry to read here how many of those didn't appreciate and care for the child that was entrusted to them.

Answer 4

i adopted my nephew at 5 months old.  it has been hard, but worth it.  i was surprised at how fast we formed a bond.  i can't imagine that a child by birth could feel anymore mine than he does

Answer 5

i have to think about this because right now, im going thrgh this right now; the keeping my baby vs. giving her to someone else. im 18, about to graduate from high school,might not have a job this summer,and i cant afford to give her the things she needs. i wanna keep her very badly but the odds are stacked against me so im in a rut. i have very lil help but at least im trying to do what's right for my lil girl because i love her soooooo much.

Answer 6

If I went back in time, I would probably do it again because at the time I thought I made the best decision.  I was 17 and had no family support and no job and was still in high school.

If I could go back with the knowledge that I have now, there is no way I would give her up again.  I would know there are social services available to help me.  I know now that people would have helped keep us together.  The guilt has followed me throughout life and has made many years of my life almost totally unbearable.

Answer 7

Yes, I would.  I think it worked out great.  Of course it was hard.  But I love my son's adoptive parents, and my son, and now we are all a family.  It's a lot better than if I were trying to raise him on my own right now.  My life is hard enough as it is!

Answer 8

No!!!!! No!!!!!! No!!!!!!!!! A million times No!!!!! I didn't make the choice the first time and I never would now. Sadly if you even ask about adoption it is assumed you chose it

Answer 9

speaking for y wifes behalf : NO!

Answer 10

Just to clarify: If I had programs available like there are today? NO, I would not have chose adoption.

If I had not felt my daughter was in danger if I were to take her home? NO, I would not have chose adoption.

It really depends on the person. Some women can pop them out and give them away like it doesn't matter. If you are one of those women then I would say yes because the children will be better off. If your not one of those women, you're in for the ride of your life.

It took almost 20 years for me to have children after making my decision to relinquish. It isn't as wonderful as everyone says. You're on the wrong end of the triad for that. It is wonderful for someone but it won't be you, and there's a good chance it won't be your child either.

I have read in other posts that women have given their children up and they couldn't be happier with their decision. In almost every case it hasn't been but a few years since their relinquishment. Time has a way of changing things. We grow older and our opinions change and years seem to take less and less time to go by.

For the first few years I thought I had done the most wonderful thing. Twenty eight years later when my daughter found me all I could say was I'm sorry. Does that sound like I still believed I'd made the right decision? Six months into reunion with her father and he is still saying it. Does it sound like he still thinks it was a good decision? This is a decision we made together and neither of us had a clue how much it was going to affect us. For our given set of circumstances it was the right thing to do and it turned out wonderful for my daughter and her parents. But there are no guarantees that what your promised is what you're going to get.

Opened adoptions can be closed. Closed adoptions create the "what if's" in the relinquishing parents. What if she's not being taken care of properly. Here's my favorite, I wondered this one for 28 years, "what if she's not still alive" . That one is very hard to shake off when it pops in your head.

  To another poster: There may not be any difference between the love you feel for your adopted child and the love you would have for one of your own. I will give you that. But think what it must feel like to have to walk away from that child no matter how much you love them. Could you be on the end that doesn't receive? It's a whole different feeling I guarantee it. No disrespect but you're on the receiving end, there's is a difference.

NO, I would not do it again if I had other options, and I only recommend it if there is danger to the child by them staying with you. Times have changed, programs are available, help is everywhere. The one constant that has not changed over the last 60 years is the pain it creates.

Not my quote but I'm going to post it

A permanent solution to a temporary situation.

Answer 11

No I would not! But with the circumstance, my mom and dad talked me into adopting my son.... they told me he would still call me mom and them gram maw and paw paw. But they lied. My son was not raised very good. my father died when my son was 2 yrs. and so my mom clung to my son and had him sleeping in her bed until he was 12 yrs. old. She would whip him if he drew a naked lady. And all he was drawing is what he seen her naked.... I told her at least he wasn't g*y.

So no he waisted his life doing drugs and he got busted and i was only one that helped him get out of jail and he came to live with me at 32 yrs. old and i had to show him he had to get a job and that he had to pay bills. And he had to keep the upkeep on my s-10 he was driving. But no if I had to do all over again i would of kept my son, because his real dad came back into my life and we could of been a family....

Answer 12

No way in H-E-double hockysticks. I would not choose adoption again. It is the ONLY thing in my life I would do differently. It is the ONLY thing I regret. It bothers me everyday.

I was promised a very "open adoption". (My hubby and I gave an infertile "friend" and her husband their family because I cared about them. They disappeared after the adoption was finalized.)The people who I trusted to be good parents turned out to be lying, nurotic, selfish, cruel, insecure and flat out NUTS. They have broken every promise they made to me, my husband, my family and my children. I worry about safety, emotional abuse, sexual abuse and a million other things since I have learned what good actors they were and the tactics they used to get what they wanted from me.

I know there are some good adoptions but mine has been a nightmare. I suffered 5 years of depression and thought about suicide before turning my pain into a need to see reform. I have nightmares and night sweats. (I have a reoccuring nightmare of her chasing me to get my child. I wake up screaming sometimes.)

Now I can only wait and hope that I will be forgiven for something I did out of love.

This experience oddly has not made me anti-adoption but instead opened my eyes. I am trying to become as educated as possible about the subject and trying to see ways to improve the system.  I value other people's opinions about it even when we disagree - this is the only way we will find equitable ground. I have dedicated my life to helping children and working for adoption reform. I have worked in family & juvie court as a voice for children and volunteer my time and resources with several reform groups.

I have decided the adoptions are as individual as the people involved in them. Some are good and some are bad. We as a society not only need to find ways to ensure people's rights and make adoption truely about the children but I believe it is our responsibility.

ETA: I have given up on spell check and this is a tough question to write about. Sorry for any typos or misspellings...

ETA: I have to second Lori in that most FP's I hear saying how happy they are with their decision do seem to be "new".

PS. Mom, Thanks for asking this question, it's a good one, Also, thanks for the "thumbs request" although it doesn't bother me. I kind of agree - I give my experience a big fat thumbs down too!!

LOL! :)

Answer 13

No.

Our children are our connections to our futures and to our pasts. The adoption of my son broke a very primal family bond - that of mother and child. And that has a ripple effect through future generations if and when he has children.

And then of course there is the grief which for me has increased over the years instead of decreasing, as I was lead to believe ("you'll get over it"). I haven't "gotten over" losing my son. I don't think many people do. It is not a pleasant life, nor a life I would wish on any woman.

Agency/adoption workers don't tell you that terminating parental rights may mean terminating your rights as a grandparent also, lopping off an entire branch of your family tree. Terminating your parental rights is a pretty good way to ruin your life; I wouldn't advise it. You can never regain all that is lost when you surrender your child to adoption. About the only thing I can say about infant adoption is that it has torn a hole in the fabric of many families, which of course extends to the fabric of our society. But main stream media still shines the light on "happy adoptions" - well, yes, someone IS happy - the adoptive parent - but likely, not you.

Here are some links to some firstmom websites - read them and weep - and find a way to parent if you can.

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Best

Answer 14

If only I knew then what I know now.

Answer 15

I have to say that I am not in a good place right now and I've been crying for a few hours about relinquishing my daughter many years ago.

My answer is NO. I just wanted to put that out there for anyone who needs to hear it. I agree, there seems to be a "honeymoon" phase after relinquishment for a variety of reasons. Mostly because the first mom hasn't come out of her "fog."

In most cases, with a few, very rare exceptions "open" adoptions are later CLOSED.

Thanks for asking and caring. The pain never ends. The memory becomes clearer not dimmer. Every night when you long to sleep, you will only have nightmares of your baby in some way.

I will end on that note so I may resume my "nervous breakdown."