First mom did not show up for family meeting what can we do?

Question

Our foster son's first mom did not show up for the first meeting. She has a history of not even trying to work her plan and her kids being adopted out. We were hoping to at least get a photo and ask some family history. Also some of her other 10 kids were adopted by her family and we would like to get their info. We would like him to know as many of his siblings as possible. SW said she does not think that first mom will give us anything. They can't give it to us either because it is finalized.

Answer 1

Do what nmoms do when a-parents hold their child hostage. Hire a private investigator to get info.

Answer 2

I later drove directly to "mom's" house without anyone from CPS going with me.   I brought a bag of groceries. She still didn't want to tell me any family stuff but that was all i was going to get.   When my own mom died , i drove back to the woman's home and asked if she would like a piece of my mother's jewelry as a keepsake.  Foster son had liked my mother even tho she was old and didn't have much energy t play with him.  Foster son's mom didn't accept any jewelry and that's the last i ever saw her.

Answer 3

Hi R,

I'm so sorry:(  Do you know her name and/or birthday?  If you do, you can find her and her parents on ancestry.com.  I'm a member if you are not, and i would be happy to help.  Just email me:)

((((R))))

Answer 4

Before my youngest daughters adoption was completed the bio mom showed up for exactly 7 out of 18 scheduled visits.  It got the the point where each week her worker would go to her home to provide her with a ride but she still couldn't make more visits then that.  The bio dad has been there for almost every visit.  In our case, we were not allowed to be at the visits and CPS had a driver show up to transport the baby for the visits and back.  

Our situations sound almost identical.  The bio mom in our case has had 8 other children including our daughter (by the time she was 27) and a number of them have been adopted by one of her relatives who can't adopt any more.  Under our jurisdiction though we were given a "post adoption" package that included historical health info for both bio parents, general family history, admitted drug and alcohol use and some other data that will prove useful in the future.  It's part of the whole adoption process.  No photos or personal information though however I managed to get some of that through other sources.  Heck, we had to cut her hospital bracelets off her when she came home to us and that had the bio parents name on it and her medical records at the pediatrician's office had her address.  I just kept my eyes open and sucked up as much info as I could.

It's frustrating but hopefully you will have other visits.

Answer 5

Um...  good luck!  I hate to tell you this, but once cases like this are finalized, getting any information out of the state is almost impossible.  My two a-brothers are also bio-brothers, they have 4 other bio-brothers and a bio-sister.  There were two boys older than the oldest of my a-brothers, and of them we were told nothing except the medical conditions they had been diagnosed with at the point when they were adopted.  There was also a brother born between my two brothers.  Of him, my parents were told nothing except that he was also born alcohol syndrome, so we always assumed he was placed with an adoptive family at birth.  

We were very lucky, however, and when the two born after the adoption were born, we were notified.  I'm not sure if the state did this or the foster parents they had been placed with since that same foster family had fostered one of my two brothers.  When the foster mom got sick and they were placed with two new foster families that adopted them, we were able to get contact info for the new adoptive families.  We are still in contact with the little brother's family (20 years later) but the sister's family broke off contact after the bio parents tried to get her back when she was 6.  (Yes, they only wanted HER back, none of the boys...  isn't that odd?)

My best advice for you is to give up on mom for now.  It doesn't sound like she's in the mood to be cooperative, or in any shape for it.  Make sure the social worker knows you're open to communication in the future.  That way if she ever does want to contact you they can forward a letter or give her your address or something.  However, if there are still siblings whose adoptions are not finalized, ask the state to put you in touch.  I believe there is a law saying that siblings in foster care have a right to see one another - at least there is in Texas.  Grab up the contact info for as many siblings as you can before they are adopted out.  That way your foster son will not lose his whole family at one go.  It'll also make it easier for the siblings to find one another again if some of them are already connected.

Answer 6

Write her a letter, which should be forwarded, so that way she'll have the request in front of her.  She may be so overwhelmed, and if she's had 10 children who have either been placed, or taken away, her grief is so overwhelming, that she probably isn't thinking straight.  Perhaps a letter might help because she's maybe never had a chance to have someone work with her before.  

I'm also disappointed that my son's 1st mom doesn't take part in his life at all.  One thing I learned from raising my oldest son with his dad never seeing him was to never put that parent down.  My son always saw him as part of his dad.  After 17 years, they were reunited, and it's turned out to be a decent relationship.  I will never put down my youngest, adopted son's 1st mom. He will just know that we adopted him because we loved him, and that his mother knew that she absolutely was not in a position mentally, physically, emotionally, nor financially to raise him, and she met us and loved him enough to know where he was going to go, and that she hoped it was best for him.  Perhaps one day, they'll be reunited, and you do the best you can do, but there is only so much you can do.  Good luck, and my prayers are with your son, your family, and his 1st mom.  I'm glad you're thinking of your son's needs too, and one day, he'll realize it!