First moms, does your pain ever stop?

Question

I lost my daughter, "Lauren", and her birthday is coming up within this next week.

Answer 1

Well, I talk to my mother everyday.  And we both still get very sad at the senselessness of it.

She sends me pictures all the time that she finds around her house.  Recently, it was a picture of her and her sister in the 70s.  All I could think is that I was stuck in my afamily, pretending to be a real person.

Adoption sucks.

Answer 2

I'm not a bmom but . . . .

Doubtful.  I met my bmom when i was 32 and she unloaded 32 years of guilt and pain that she had been carrying around.  I don't know if it's regret that got her or the not knowing part.  Was it realizing how her life turned out and thinking that maybe she could've done it and given up too easily (she's never voiced that) or was it knowing that she did the right thing but "what if. . .".

This site seems more focused on the adoptee but i do believe the bmom goes through a world of emotions as well.  I believe that bmoms DO suffer a tremendous loss and it is something that may eventually be buried, may eventually be dealt with, maybe it fades somewhat but i don't think you could ever forget.  It seems to me that it would be like some kind of larvae just eating its way through your heart.  

Whatever your situation was 16 years, it had to have been difficult.  I do suggest (and i mean this openly and honestly) that all birthmoms obtain counseling -- prior to relinquishment and afterwards.  In your case, counseling was probably provided but you go through a world of change in 16 years and your counseling/therapy needs change as well.

good luck.  I hope you do find some kind of peace.

Answer 3

Rachael and I have been in reunion for almost 9 years and no the pain does not go away. It has lessened, but guilt still comes over me sometimes. I have to admit, it was getting pretty routine for us and then we found her dad. The whole proccess started all over again. Rachael and I have been through this before but her

father has not, so it takes a little more on our parts to understand his feelings and guilt. We are still working on that. He wants to be a part of our lives so it will be okay. (We sometimes forget that he needs to move a little slower than we do.) I talked to him 2 days ago and he is getting more comfortable with being a father. Rachael talked to him a few days before me and he called her, probably just to hear her voice, like he has before.

The pain can lessen with time but the loss will be there forever. There is so much we all missed out on, and we all feel the loss.

Birthdays were always the hardest. There is no getting around that. It is simply the most depressing day of the year because it is the day of your greatest loss. That goes away in reunion, at least it has for me. that day brings joy now instead of sorrow and pain.

Answer 4

The pain doesn't stop.

Only a first mom can really answer this question.  Or an adoptee in reunion.  Anyone else has no idea what we have to deal with.

Answer 5

I am not a natural mom but as someone who has researched natural moms, they never get over it.  Even the moms who have refused contact, its even worse.  Sometimes reunion doesn't always heal that wound.

Answer 6

((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))

I'm so sorry that you and all those that have lost children to adoption go through this.

My mother has not coped well with my reappearance into her life - after 38 yrs apart.

Her husband, my father, told me that her mother forced her to give me away - telling her 'Don't come home with that baby' - and sent her away to another state.

Then she was told to not ever talk about the relinquishment or about me.

She's had a very troubled life ever since. She went on to marry my father - and have 3 more kids - but she doesn't sound like a very happy person.

I cry for her - and I cry for me - and I cry for all mums and adoptees like us.

I hope that you can find other first mothers to talk too - I find that talking to others in the same situations tends to help with healing.

Also - writing - journal style - whether online in a blog - or in your own personal journal at home. Write to 'Lauren' and hopefully you can share it with her one day.

Here are links to other blogs from first mothers -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

I hope for all the best for you and for 'Lauren'.

Take care of you.

Answer 7

Sadly no it doesn't. It seems to get worse

Answer 8

Nah it doesn't stop, it just takes on different levels of noticing.

(((hugs)))

Answer 9

No. It's been 16 years now. I liken it to a prison sentence...I have 16 years served and 2 more to go. I pray that when my daughters (twins) turn 18 they will want to find me, and have done everything I can think of to make it very easy for them to do so

Answer 10

Sort of, my bdaughter just turned 36 last month, there were a few years that I had everything pushed down so deep that it all kind of felt like a dream, like I hadn't really had another baby and given her up, but I had a recurrent dream for 30 years that I had my baby, but I had put her in the bedroom, but I had forgotten she was in there and I forgot to feed her and my mom kept saying you have to feed her and i said then don't shut the door. I had that dream at least once a month until in 2001 I found her and I haven't had the dream since. Birthdays are especially hard, you need to keep busy, do something fun, don't get all bogged down in the pain, that will only make it worse. We can never forget, can we?