First moms, how many people do you have to talk to about what you went through?

Question

I have my husband. I also FINALLY connected to another first mom by phone. How many live a lie everyday?

I have told my son, Sam, about his sister, "Lauren". He just knows she's out there. He wants to meet her. He doesn't know everything, but he will when he's older.

Answer 1

I can relate to the best friend problem, mine was always wanting me to talk about it and I just couldn't, I felt like if I didn't talk about then it couldn't be real. I don't think she was really trying to hurt me but talking about it did hurt me, we drifted apart for a while. My sister was the only person I could talk too but it ususally just ended in a big cry and nothing was ever resolved from 'talking' so I quit talking about it, I know now that not talking wasn't good. I did have my husband to talk too, but mostly we cried together on her birthday. Now on her birthday, we get to call and say Happy Birthday, and that is so cool.

Answer 2

A grief counselor??  are you for real Adoption is ok??  get a clue.

I have a number of people that I talk to and one that I talk to often is my THERAPIST, not a grief counselor.  My daughter did not die so why would I talk to someone like she did.

I have a few forums that I visit and talk there as well.

Some days it is good to have a good cry and many other it is good to talk about her.

Red:  sorry your friend doesn't/cannot help in supporting you.  I have been lucky in that respect and I spend time talking about her at work.  I tend to make general comments about her when most of us are talking about our kids and while some of my coworkers know about her not all do.

Answer 3

as many as you need to.  join a support group -- be it online or one in your area (askabmom is a yahoo group).  Seek counseling with a qualified GRIEF counselor -- yes, the same kind that someone would use to get over the death of a loved one.  Do you have a best friend -- one who's been there through thick & thin?  do you know anyone that you were friends with at the time of relinquishment?  they will 'somewhat' understand your pain at the time and know how much you've grown in other areas but also remember your pain to share with you.

oh and most of all -- a really good cry as often as you need it.  The kind of sobs that get your shoulders shaking and just leave you exhausted.  It won't cure it but for a moment, to get it out, might feel a bit of release for the moment.

eta:: I mentioned a grief counselor because it sounds like Red has a lot of grief and it is an incredible loss.  just trying to help -- sorry you didn't agree.

ETA::  spoke to a couple of people in email and apparently, I was way off base with the grief counselor.  I really did mean it well because they can deal with the grief but someone mentioned grief (as in dying) has some closure whereas relinquishment doesn't.  I am sorry if I offended anyone and it was not my intention to add to your pain or throw salt in the wound.  I do know my bmom went to some counseling and she said it helped so based on that, i submitted the idea.  however, it appears that i was incorrect and I want to apologize if I caused you any additional grief with my answer.

Answer 4

I talk about my the existence son a lot actually.  I agree with the other answer talking about how hard the "how many children do you have?" question sucks beans.

Anyway, I'm not sure why I talk about his existence so much.  Maybe it's because my great-grandmother never talked about the loss of her son to adoption and my family mentioned how much that loss hurt her and wished she would talk about it instead of silently bearing the weight of the loss.

So I don't stay silent.  I worry about the butterfly effect of that choice though.  If the person I speak with that day talks with me on a good day, do I become the "I know a birthmother who is just fine..." story?  If the person I speak with that day catches me on an angry day, or sad day, do I become another story but with a different generalization.

But for the most part, I figure if I'm telling my part it demystifies some of the silence regarding mothers like us.  I feel less disconnected from the people I care about by letting them in to see me instead of the me they think I am.

It's helped a bit with healing too.  The reactions to what I say are very telling for how I'm coping with the grief.  At first people would tell me how sorry they were that I had to be in the position of having to choose relinquishment, but emotionally I was clinging to the "I did the bestest thing evar" mantra.  Later, when I was more upset with how cruddy moms who treated their kids bad got to keep their kids, but me who could have been a good mom had to do the right thing by relinquishing, people understood that frustration.

I'm sort of rambling now.  Anyway, talking for me is better than perpetually sitting in a chair waiting for something to change which is how I fundamentally feel when I'm not talking about the loss, and how my great-grandma coped with the loss over her entire lifetime.

Answer 5

One of the hardest things I find is to talk about it. It's easy to admit that I'm adoptee, very difficult to say I'm a birthmom.

The hardest question I've ever had is a very innocent one. "how many children do you have?"  how can you answer that honestly without opening yourself up to a million questions that just hurt? I can't.

ETA: I choose not to talk about it very much, that's just me. To be honest, I am ashamed of it. Not that it's something to be ashamed of, but I am. especially when I look at my other 4 beautiful children & think about everything I've lost out on with my other daughters, everything I've missed. It's still very much a very raw open wound. I wish I had've had the backbone to stand up for myself & my daughters at the time, but I didn't, and that's a guilt I have to live with every day.

Answer 6

I'm sorry your friend could not be enough of a friend to see you through one of the hardest times in your life. ( I'd question the friendship) I have had many years to talk about my situation. I never felt like i should not tell if asked. I can remember some people not wanting anything to do with me after I told them but that was their loss. I never went into my reasons with anyone until I got into counseling. My reasons involved other people who I did not want retaliation from. But over the years I have talked with many people. I was not ashamed of what I did, and refused to be browbeaten to feel shame. I had my reasons and they were clueless as to what those reasons were, but if they had known they would have respected me more. I always answered the "how many kids question" honestly, that usually started the questions that lead to the conversations. I have been in reunion for several years now and I talk about it freely. I am proud of my daughter and the fact that she found me. I am proud of her father and the fact that we found him and have a great relationship. I am proud of the parents who raised her and tell everyone who wants to know what a great job they did, how loving and caring they were to her, and how much peace it brought me to come to know that. I'm proud of my husband and boys for trying to understand and accept the rollercoaster ride I have been on.

Answer 7

If you mean really talk about adoption and my feelings around losing my son, I would say 3 people; my brother, an adoptee, and a first mom. I have told a few other close friends about losing my son to adoption and they are kind and ask about him, but I don't reveal my feelings if I can help it because it makes them uncomfortable. My mother is coming around.

It is difficult to tell people because of the shame that I feel for not fighting harder to keep him with me, and there are those instances when I just don't want to try to explain such a complex situation in 3 sentences or less. I feel that most people will not understand.

It sucks to keep it all in, it sucks to try to share with someone only to have them give you "that look" or say something insensitive.

Is it any wonder Juno got "original screenplay"? It's as if no one has ever seen this side of adoption because when it comes right down to most women don't talk about losing their child to adoption because it is painful on so many levels.

I think it's great that you've told your son about his sister.

Answer 8

I don't talk to anyone in real life. Sometimes I go to a chat support group online but that is even hard for me to do  right now