First parents: Is there anything you would like your child's adoptive parents to know?

Question

That you maybe didn't have the opportunity to tell them while your child was growing up (i.e. closed adoption), or you wanted to tell them, but were perhaps afraid of their reaction.

It could be anything from how you feel about your child or even about your reasons for relinquishing. Or how you would like your child to be raised. Or even any dreams or aspirations you have for your child. It could even be things like parenting techniques that you like or don't like. Anything really.

As I've said before, I think about my daughter's mama very often and I find that I wonder what she would think about us as parents. Does she like how we are raising her? Does she like our choices? I also often think if there was something she would like us to tell our daughter about her. When we make a decision regarding our daughter I often find myself thinking about her other mother and wondering if she would have done the same or if she would approve.

Answer 1

Ok I finally have some time to answer, between work, a toddler and planning a major trip I am scatter brained and over worked LOL.

What I would like my son's parents to know is really quite simple. I love him, above and beyond everything else I love him and think of him every single day. He is one of the three most important things in my life, the other two are his sisters.

Beyond that I would tell them that he was very much wanted, that the social worker was not honest with any of us and that I would have kept him had I been given half a fighting chance. I also want them to know that since they wouldn't give me an option I am very happy with the fact that they are raising him.

As for the little things... god where to start. They weren't told anything about his beginnings so I guess I would like to tell them about the little boy I knew and loved and how his life went before they got him. He was born premature at 32.5 weeks, November 29, 1994 at 9:20am, 5lbs 3oz and 16 inches long. He had hyaline membrane disease and went into respiratory arrest shortly after his birth, he barely made it back to us. He spent just under a month in the NICU and I was with him from 6am to midnight every day. He was breastfed from 5 days of age until he was 11 months but was never given formula other than the supplements through IV and then a gavage tube in the NICU. He thrived and grew like a baby born at term and was very fast intellectually, his gross and fine motor development was delayed but by 18 months he was on par with others his age. He was baptized in the Lutheran faith at my family church on December 10, 1995. There is a concerning genetic disorder that runs in my family called MCAD, it often kills babies, he should know that before he has children. Mental illness has been known to be present in my family as has cancer, I myself am a cancer survivor. He has two amazing sisters and since I am reunited with my first family there are aunts, uncles and grandparents galore! They all love him even without knowing him. I have a birthday card for him from every year since I last saw him and write letters often. I have baby pictures and a video of his first birthday (my father found the video just this week and I am still a bit of a mess over seeing him talk and move for the first time in almost 7 years) I would love to be able to share these with him since he has no pictures of himself earlier than 2 years of age.

I miss him terribly, my heart aches for him and my arms long to hold him. He is going to be 14 this year. The social workers never asked me about his birth or life, I guess they figured he wouldn't want to know... we all want to know!

His name was Justin Gage Andrukonis and my name is Andrea Michelle Charette... risky to put that out there on the internet but maybe, just maybe they will search for his name online someday and come across this... then they will know what I wanted them to and have a name at the least, maybe he will want to know me. Maybe this will be the only thing they have to go on...

Answer 2

Dear Kazi,

There are a million things I want them to know. A million things that I could have said myself if they hadn't broken their promises and shut me out of their lives. And because they did that I now have a million more.

I guess the most important is "I LOVE YOU" and I NEVER planned on being "gone".

I would write more but it is too painful for me and I don't trust most of the people on this board to share such personal and painful things.

I think you are wonderful and am glad that you care about your daughter's Mama - people like you are why I am still here and continue to have faith that people are not all bad. I think your daughter's Mama would be pleased to know how much you care and would be proud of you.

Answer 3

i want my childs adoptive parents to keep in touch more.  i have an open adoption and i dont hear from them much.  and i wish the mom would not resent me for being able to have babies and she cant.  it hurts when i never hear from her but always from the dad.  but as for raising him and such, i think whatever they think is best should be what they do.  i trust them, that is why i chose them to adopt my son.  and just as a side note, i like the fact that when they talk about him, they say "our" baby (like mine and theirs) and not "my" baby, it makes me feel involved even if im not.  i dont meet my son until he is older, but they send me letters and pictures :)

Answer 4

your a great parent to wonder about the birth mother! ?I also have an open adoption and the relationship the parents and i have is great. I do wish I could see him more but we are four hours away.

sorry i wish i could finish but my newborn is tired.

your doing a great job and it is only natural to wonder about her.

Answer 5

As an adoptive parent, I wish my son's first parents would be more involved with his life.  In a way, relinquishment wasn't an abandonment, because I offered that they be able to see him any time they want.  

What the abandonment was, was not seeing him when they have the opportunity.  I am fortunate that his grandmother does see him (and very much supports the adoption-on dad's side), and I often wonder where his first mom is, how she is, and I pray for her all the time.  I was very fortunate that she lived with me for 3 1/2 months before he was born, that way, I got to know what she wants in life about many things, for our son.