First person who makes me laugh gets best answer?

Question

Having a bad day..

Answer 1

well here is a joke, a really funny one

a 20 year old virgin went to an old ladie's house to deliver a package. the man said sign here. she signed and then the man got back into his truck and left.

HOHOAAHAOHAOHAOHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA...

gimme best answer plz :-)

'nuj

Answer 2

he's so fat, God can't even lift his spirits. Notice how I didn't use "you so fat" or "yo mama so fat"

THUMBS UP!!!

Answer 3

1-what do you call 2 guys fighting over a prostitute?

tug-of-w***e

2-An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a small room. The walls closed and as the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers lighted up above the wall. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction, and then the walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

3-a blonde walks into the library and says to the librarian

I WILL HAVE A DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER A LARGE FRY AND A DIET COKE PLEASE OH AND LIGHT ON THE ICE

the librarian says mam u relize u r in the library

the blonde says SORRY then whispers

i will have a double cheesburger a large fry and a diet coke please...

4-Things to do in the bathroom stall...

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."

5-how do u get 10 jews in a car?

put 2 in the front seat, 3 in the back seat n the rest in the ash tray.

lol sorry if i offended any1... jus a joke!

i hope u liked it and i hope u have a nice day

.

Answer 4

there was a murder and the police found 3 men unable to speak english. guy #1 could only say 'forks and spoons, forks and spoons'. guy #2 could only say' goody-goody gumdrops'. and guy #3 could only say 'plug it in, plug it in'.

so the police started questioning them. they asked guy #1 " what did you kill this guy with?" and guy #1 said " forks and spoons, forks and spoons.

they went to guy #2 and told him " you could go to jail for this" and guy #2 said " goody-goody gumdrops"

they finally went to guy #3 and said " you could even get put in the electric chair ". and guy #3 said " plug it in, plug it in".

Answer 5

are you jewish? cause you israeli hott

Answer 6

little billy called his friend and says "can u come over im having trouble putting a puzzle together". his friend says "sure. what's the puzzle supposed to be?" Billy says" The box says it's supposed to be a tiger." the friend goes right over to billys house and looks a the box and then looks at the pieces. the friend then turns to billy and says " i have two things to tell u Billy, one ur never gonna get this to look like a tiger. and two, help me clean up all these Frosted flakes.

Answer 7

What did an armless and legless girl get for Christmas?

-A cancer.

Answer 8

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=...

Answer 9

may not make you laugh, but i'm choosing your answer of 'yo momma'  as best answer to my lame blonde joke.

hope your day gets better too.

my mom is brunette most the time, so there! :)

Answer 10

Alright, here's a good blonde joke I've heard.

  There's a blonde working at a funeral home.  The dearly departed person was the husband of a woman.  The blonde goes to the woman and asks, "is everything to your liking?"  The woman replies, "yes, everything's fine, but... I really wish my husband were in a blue suit.  He would look so much nicer!"

"Well, I'll see what I can do about that," says the blonde.

Half an hour passes, and the blonde comes back to the woman and says, "you'll never believe what hapened!  I just went to another funeral home where there was a man in a blue suit, but the woman there really wanted her husband in a black suit!  Her husband looked to be about the same size as your husband, and he had this really nice blue suit on!

So I just switched the heads!"

Ha!  Bet you weren't expecting that, huh?

Answer 11

Holy c**p, I've never seen so many needy people in my life. Someone should give these guys a hug.

Answer 12

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of

symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the

following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever

2. Congestion

3. Nausea

4. Fatigue

5. Aching in the joints

6. An irresistible urge to mess on someones windshield.

Answer 13

Saddam's funeral joke

Saddam's wife is upset at her husband's funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit."

The mortician says "We'll take care of it, ma'am", then turns and yells into the back room, "Hey Ammar, switch the heads on two and four!"  

Answer 14

how about an ebarassing moment for me yesterday.

I took my three year old son to the grocery store in his stroller. I had a branch that I was tapping him on the shoulder. As we got to the store I put the branch underneath the stroller and took it into the store.

As we got to the check out (with a hot cashier, which adds to the embarrassment) the cashier is talking to my son. My son blurts out loud with a female bagger and another woman behind me in line that Daddy has a big STick. The problem is my son can not pronounce "ST." It comes out as a "D." (I'll give you a moment to read his comment again). The woman, convinced she heard my son wrong, asked, "what was that? " My daddy has a big STick, down there." As he points over the back seat of his stroller which sort of points at my mid section.

I then pull the branch out from the bottom of the stroller and state, "he's talking about this." My son then chimes in again. "See, daddy has a big STick." The woman tried to hold a straight face. As i paid up and rolled away. I heard the lady behind me address the cashier, "Yea, but I wonder if it is true?" Which the three ladies roared out load

Answer 15

Ok There was an ugly black guy and found a genie lamp, the genie granted him 3 wishes. The black guy wished he was white, tall, and surrounded by *******. The genie then said "Poof n***a! U a tampon."

Answer 16

A man dies and goes to h**l.

A demon approaches him and says "Hey, come on now, h**l ain't that bad. Now, I'll let you choose how you'll spend the rest of eternity." The man nods and thinks "Okay, that ain't so bad..." The demon takes him to hall with three doors. "I'll let you choose which door you'd rather be in for the rest of eternity.

He opens the first door. He hears screams of pain everywhere. Demons are ripping the victims limb from limb, and the victim regrows their limbs to have them ripped off again. He cringes and leaves. "How do you like that door?" the demon asks. "Ehh..." the man replies.

The demon opens the second door. Again, he hears screams of pain. The man sees people getting impaled, just to have their wounds heal to be impaled again. He cringes and leaves. "How do you like that door?" the demon asks. "Ehh..." the man replies.

They go into the third door. The man doesn't hear screaming. It smells like a urinal. People are standing waist deep in urine. They look blank, and seem to be used to the smell. He cringes and leaves.  "How do you like that door?" the demon asks. "Ehh..." the man replies.

"Alright, the moment of truth. Which door will it be?" the demon asked.

"I'll take the third one," the man replied quickly. He enters the third door, and finds his space in the lake of urine. "Hey, this isn't too bad..." he says.

"Alright, a hundred year break over!" the demon announces. "Back on yyour heads for another thousand years!"

Answer 17

THE FOLLOWING QUESTION AND ANSWERS WERE COLLECTED FOR LAST YEARS GCSE EXAM RESULTS IN BURNLEY. THESE ARE GENUINE RESPONSES (16 YEAR OLDS)GEOGRAPHY

Q: Name the four seasons?

A: Salt, Pepper, Mustard And Vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink?

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?

A: A Body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A: Very important. s*x can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?

A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?

A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (eg abdomen)

A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax, the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels a,e,i,o,u

Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does varicose mean?

A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'caesarean section'?

A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?

A: A roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?

A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: What does the word benign mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?

A: Something an arab or sikh wears.

Answer 18

Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front. Who do you let in? Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.

His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"

"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says OK, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies: "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"

A timid little man, walked into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the h**l kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."  <<i do think thats evil coz i love dogs

Man walked into a bar he said "ouch"  << i only like that coz it took me a week to understand it lool

  

Answer 19

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down the front of his pants. The bartender says "isn't that uncomfortable?" and the pirate says "Aye! It's been driving me nuts all day!"

Get it? Because "me" can also mean "my" in pirate talk?!

Here's another one, long but hilarious:

One night, Little Johnny got up to go to the bathroom and on his way he saw the sheets in his parents' room bouncing. He asked "Daddy, whatcha doing?" and the dad said "playing cards" and Little Johnny said "Who's your partner?" and the dad said "your mom." Then as he was walking back to his room, he noticed the sheets in his sister's room bouncing. He asked her what she was doing and she said "playing cards." And Little Johnny asked "Who's your partner?" and she said "my boyfriend." Later that night, Little Johnny's father got up to go to the bathroom and noticed Little Johnny's sheets were bouncing. He asked his son what he was doing, to which Little Johnny replied "playin' cards." His dad said "Who's your partner?" And Little Johnny said "You don't need one when you got a good hand!"

Answer 20

Memory's Going

An eighty year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

Then his wife asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

"No, I can remember that."

"Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that," his wife said.

"I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that. You had better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He went into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."

Answer 21

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus.

He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange.

His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags.

His legs are bare and he's without shoes.

His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat,

directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man:

"What are you looking at you old f**t... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies:

"Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore,

and had s*x with a parrot.

I thought maybe you were my son."