First poem. Its depressing, if I've ever seen it. What do you think?

Question

This was my first ever poem. Please only comment about the poem, not about what you think of me. If you don't like it just say you don't, nothing else is neccasary. I would appreciate it if you told me how to make it better also. It's pretty depressing.

You made me endure

This self-affliction

This unyielding addiction

Feel these feelings baby

You couldn't withstand it

You wouldn't understand it

I'm retching out

My despise

Look inside my

Tearing eyes

Replay this tragedy

My desolate story

You're dying to know

Doesn’t it show?

I'm just dying

Lay me to rest

Rest me in peace

Oh but baby, its impossible

We have lost it all

I'll just rest in pieces

I'm dying baby

You bleed me to death

You're lying baby

Won't you save me?

The silence is overwhelming

I can just hear it whisper,

"You're time is over"

{should be in italics}

'A dagger in my back

A bullet through my heart

Bleeding throughout

Drenched in misery

This mess was irreversible'

Answer 1

it's really amazing. I don't think i would be able to write anything that deep.

Answer 2

hahahah!!

i think most people are the best writers of depression or just sad poems

those are almost the only ones i can write really well

and i dont think its a bad thing i just think it may have to do with the fact that most of us experience pain in our every day lives or something like that

i can write pretty good "love" or happy ones but i like what i can do

so should you!..

and i loveee your poem..so deep and big words i like it!

haha

if you want to read some of mine

http://member.mibba.com/37700/

heres my mibba lmao

Answer 3

Wow, To Be Honest With You I Think It's Great.  It Would Be A GREAT Song For Staind, Seether, Or Someone Along Those Lines To Sing.  Very Thoughtful And Emotional.  It's Intensity Makes It Great.

Answer 4

its really really good! dont change anything publish it it your local paper that is really good!

Answer 5

thats amazing!

i think it would make an awesome song

you should try to record yourself singing it on a tape recorder or somethings.

Answer 6

it is very good. the lack of punctuation, though, makes finding the rhythm of it a little bit difficult, since it doesn't seem as if every line is a complete thought.(though maybe most of them are)

the italics passage would make a great refrain for the rest of it, should you make it into music. s***w seether.   it reminds me of Alice in Chains.  

  keep writing even if you don't make music. you've got the gift and it is a rare thing to write good poetry.