Question:

Flight of the Fledgling (a Partenza Represa)...can I improve it?

by  |  earlier

0 LIKES UnLike

Criteria for the Partenza Represa

http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/flight-of-the-fledgling-a-partenza-represa-an-original-form/

This is my rewrite of PreK and a refinement of the form. Is it better?

Flight of the Fledgling (a Partenza Represa)

Poor mother bird; she did not cry

she did not cry until that day

until that day she knew he'd fly

she knew he'd fly so far away

Though very sad, she knew he'd leave

she knew he'd leave to seek new heights

to seek new heights within the stars

within the stars he'd spend his nights

She knew that it was for the best

was for the best to help him grow

to help him grow and free his mind

and free his mind with thoughts that flow

But, then his fledgling wings did pause

did pause before he could take flight

before he could take flight he thought

he thought he just might die of fright

He feared that if he flew too high

too high that he just might get tossed

get tossed into a scary world

a scary world and then be lost

His mournful pleas, they touched her heart

her heart, steadfast, did break that day

that day she sent her little bird

she sent her little bird away

It's with her strength, he'll find his place

he'll find his place, achieve his goal

achieve his goal to reach the stars

to reach the stars within his soul

So, from her nest she gave a nudge

she gave a nudge to help him to fly

to help him to fly among the clouds

among the clouds and stars so high

The baby bird then left his nest

then left his nest to stretch his wings

to stretch his wings so off he flew

so, off he flew to brand new things

At first he soared, he soared so high

he soared so high her heart did yearn

her heart did yearn of all he'd know

of all he'd know and come to learn

Then mother bird with prideful heart

with prideful heart, began to sing

began to sing of how her chick

of how her chick will grow that Spring

 Tags:

   Report

15 ANSWERS


  1. Very nice, well ordered. A keeper.  Never look back, if you like this one, then throw away the other.  Editing means improving, this is improving. I go now, I have delivered my two sense!


  2. Well - I have to say - that I really liked the 1st version better. The meter and flow of that one was unbeatable ♥

  3. A lovely rewrite and great improvement on the first. I like this form, Elaine has done great things with it.  I will definitely try it.  Did you see my school poems?

    http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

    http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

    http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...


  4. Beautiful poem. Of course being a mother of two boys I can't help but think about my own two little men who are starting to spread their wings and reach out to the world. But while they are here in the nest I will make the best of every day.

  5. i loved the 1st one but i have to say this one is better!!! i love it

  6. For me this form gives new oomph to words like no other format does.

    Totally uplifting. Where is Silver Bells in all this fun?I would have thought he would be setting the pace. It's the bouncy rhythm that a number of us enjoy. Sptfyr, thank you so much for introducing it to our armoury. You show the way. Bless U! Your theme today is very special.


  7. This is pretty cool. I love how the ideas linger...

  8. It is exquisite.  I do not see one single word that I would suggest you change.  This is a form for the advanced poet -- you have shown that. It is breathtaking.

    T.

  9. That's a nice form you've developed. In the poem the repetition is pleasant and reinforces the message. I would think that would be the challenging part. You've done this one quite well.

    Very ambitious. Nicely done.

  10. This is very nice, thank you for writing that

  11. It's obvious you've worked hard at perfecting this. I think it's perfectly lovely!

    You have a wonderful talent and A LOT of determination!

    GO GIRL!

  12. A difficult form but so beautiful.  I love the first, but see the perfection of form in the second.  This absolutely sings of love, of poetry!

    Congratulations!

  13. This is beautiful, and while I loved the first very much, I also enjoy the perfection of the form. Thank you for this, I'm off to read the link, and try one of these on for myself. Thanks, Sptfyr.

  14. Wow, a delightful poem in a very pleasant form. I really enjoyed it, specially your third and forth stanzas. please accept my warmest compliments.

    best wishes,

    Lullë Rhymesmith Sonneter Metaphor-coiler

    P.S I'm no good in critiquing, but I think I agree with mixtli to some extent.

  15. Yes, I see there are a "few" changes.

    You really worked that one over. I loved the first one of course, but this one, from the title to the end, tells a better chronological ordered story. And I love the way the last stanza tells us the mother bird began to sing and the poem that we just read was what she began to sing, therefore, it's not really the end it's like the point of departure is resumed (or where you start is where you left off). That was awesome!

    It has a completely different tone also--still uplifting, but the first one almost sounded too happy for such a sad day--this one sets a better mood.

    I just want to point out two typos you'll probably catch on your own anyway.

    S8 L2&3:

    She gave a nudge to help him (to) fly

    To help him (to) fly among the clouds

    That extra (to) doesn't fit in with the "traditional" 8 syllable line you normally find in a Partenza Ripresa. (That was fun to say)

    Like I said you'd have caught them sooner or later.

    Did I ever tell you that your work ethic is why I'm such a big fan? Looks like I'm gonna have to order another book.

    P.S.That revision will make for a nice high school graduation present too--maybe stick it in the glove box of his new car.

Question Stats

Latest activity: earlier.
This question has 15 answers.

BECOME A GUIDE

Share your knowledge and help people by answering questions.