Fog issue- Can an AP avoid this feeling for their child if they...?

Question

meet it head-on and discuss it before it (the fog) happens, so it will be less of a fog?

Does anyone "get" what I'm asking?

Answer 1

i think you're head on. it's hard for me to judge because it's hard to invision something that you have never been through. I'm still in a fog. lol

i think it would have helpped me a lot to have someone that hit it head on instead of telling every lie they could think of till they didn't have a choice. if you don't run from the situation it won't seem like it's a bad thing and it will make it easier for your child to trust and open up to you. for me everything about my adoption was hidden and not talked about or lied about. for a long time it made me wonder if i was a black market baby. which even though it was a self created issue it became an issue none the less and it could have been prevented with the truth. just be honest.

I will also say don't push it either. if they want to talk about it then do if they don't then don't push the issue. it goes back to the whole image thing. i know and you know your intentions are good (actually to me they are wonderful :) ) but pushing the issue could shut them down too. no one is the same so you have to take it from more than one angle. i say talk to them let them decide if they have any questions or any concerns and just answer them honestly. as long as you let them know that no question is to stupid and that they always have an open path for conversation everyone should be fine.

remember it is always the little things that you do that make the most impact. sometimes just knowing that you cared enough to look to potential future problems says a lot about your character and as an adoptee i would have been happy to have you as one of my parents. sometimes knowing someone cares and thinking someone might care makes all the difference in the world.

and dang sunny. i was adopted by a single white woman and you know i have issues but all that other stuff didn't matter. people didn't pick on me until i got older and that was mainly becase i didn't know i was adopted when it should have been obvious. but if my mother had been as open and honest as she seems to be trying to do it has to be better than what i went through. i never really cared about a dad i was too busy just trying to be loved period. she may not know a lot about his culture or his family but the difference is she's trying. i could see yelling at her if she just didn't care but she's trying to get suggestions on how to make a situation that already exists better. chill out. i hate adoption about as much as you do. but now all we can do is try to fix it and teach understanding. if we continue to fight our cause with anger no one will ever understand how to make it better for the future kids like us so they don't have to go through what we went through. just think about it. love you sonny :)

Answer 2

I "get" what you're asking.  I think at least SOME of the "fog" could be lifted by being open and honest about the adoption.  Don't hide anything.  We showed our (now adult) daughter all of the (closed) adoption information that we had when she was 9.  She asked to see it several times while she was growing up and we let her see it as many times as she wanted.  We talked about it whenever she wanted or we wanted.  Most of her issues had to do with being a different race than we are--trying to figure out in junior high where she fit in.  We took her to a counselor when she asked because some of the kids at school (junior high) and an adult in the neighborhood said some rude things.  They taught her to figure out "who owns the problem" and "IS there a problem?".  In the case of the rude adult in the neighborhood, well he was just a RUDE man and that is HIS problem.....and the kids asking rude questions was just because they were her friends and didn't KNOW they were being rude so it was her responsibilty to tell them if they hurt her feelings.  She did, then educated them about adoption, and everyone move on past it.  I think if you deal with things head on when the issues were small, that helps too.

In any case, my daughter doesn't live in a fog and she is not in denial and has worked thru her adoption issues.  Every family is different and what works for one family may not necessarily work for another.

Answer 3

Not really, because I'm not sure what YOU mean by 'fog'.

If I had to guess what your kid will have trouble with in the future it'd be this:

-Sadness/loss over losing his culture from adoption.  Not really fitting in in the US OR Guatemala.

-Frustration at your apparent lack of knowlegde of his family.

-Being raised by a single woman, without a father.  My husband was raised by his own mother, but was deeply saddened by not having a father, even though he had an uncle & grandfather around.

-Because YOU only have him, he may feel too gulity to search or express interest in his family for fear of hurting you--becuase HE'S all you have (in his mind).

-Feel he's supposed to be 'grateful' and 'lucky' to be 'saved' from a poverty ridden country.  He'll probably be loaded down with guilt from strangers no matter what you say.  I was, and I was born in the U.S.

Answer 4

The best thing you can do as an aparent is be open to your children. Some may experience "the fog" some may not. Roll with the punches and deal with things as they come.

Your best bet as a parent (and not just with adoption) is to always be honest & straightforward with your child. Make sure they know that you are open to discussing anything, and no question is stupid or shouldnt be asked.

No two people are alike & no two adoptees are alike. I HAD to search.. and I'm glad I did. My abrother though, has no desire to ever search.

Answer 5

I talk to my children from birth about it or as soon as they were in my care. They understand that I did not carry them in my tummy.  I have pictures of the birth parents to show if they ask and I am in contact with the birth parents so if they ever want to meet, it will be possible