Folks I need some serious help, can anyone out there please help me?

Question

Most of you know that I am my parents caregiver. My parents have lived on this land now for 55 years and built their own 3 bedroom house. My parents went through a time when they were growing up and even after they got married where you have to use everything that you can to make it. They have saved so much stuff that most of the 2 acres they have here is covered. About 2 weeks ago my dad said that he wanted this place to be cleaned up like it was back when. In the last week or so my daughter, her boyfriend and I have been working our tail off to try to clean it up a bit. We have not made much head way as there is so much here. We have a pile of trash here like you would not believe. Mom still will not call to have a dumpster brought out to get rid of the trash. I don't work anywhere but here with them, so I don't have the money to get one my self. She makes all kinds of excuses why she hasn't gotten the dumpster out here yet. We live in the country and across the street from city limits. I am scared that someone will turn them in for all the trash that is here. Dad can't do anything much these days. Mom does get around but not really good. Both of our weed eaters and a push mower has broken down. We do have a big riding mower but there is a lot of places that we can't mow with it. The weeds in some places are knee high and higher. Mom will not get a new push mower or weed eaters until they go on sale this fall. I am now taking anti-depression medicine again because of all this going on. I am having a hard time going to sleep as well. I respect my parents in every way. Dad is very easy going, mom on the other hand...well lets say that she would gripe if she got hung by a new rope. She knows that all this needs to be cleaned up in the worst way, but just can't part with very much of it. I am now having to use a hoe in some places around here when a weed eater would be much faster. What would you do if you was in my shoes so to speak? It is driving me crazy.

Answer 1

hi sapphire . i sympathize with you on this as my mom too is a "pack rat " . i can not do anything to persuade her to give up her " treasures ". i get very aggravated at times , like you . all i can suggest is to hang on and just realize your mom wont change . accepting that is VERY hard but in the end you will find it easier on yourself to handle .

you are doing a wonderful thing by standing by your parents and just feel free to email me , if you just want to vent . believe me , my sister and i vent to each other all the time ! lol .  take care , my friend . d.

  one suggestion , maybe your church can have a clean up day ? make it a bring your tool , and set up a bbq to have hotdogs and such .

Answer 2

After my father died, I was in a similar situation with my mother and two of my sisters who still live at home. They wanted me to clean the place up, gather everything (tools etc) together and organize everything. I Was glad to do it but everything I did they complained about because it wasn't how my father had it, and they wouldn't provide me with what I needed to do it all. I finally just told them that the way my father had left things, is why they asked me to clean it up and organize it. I couldn't do what they asked me to do if I wasn't allowed to do it and provided with what I needed to do it. I told them I would finish the job when they would allow me to do it.

   Like you, I couldn't afford to buy what was needed and I wasn't going to argue with them about what I could and couldn't do to get the job done. Your father ask you to do this. I would go to him and explain the situation to him and tell him; I'll gladly do the job you've ask me to do when I am provided with what I need to do the job. Let him be responsible for seeing that your mother gets you what you need. I understand your concern about getting in trouble with the law but it isn't your responsibility beyond discussion.

*Add*     If your father won't get your mother to get what you need to do the job, then just wait until she does. I see no reason for you to stress over any of it. You are willing, it is them holding up the job. Why should you concern yourself so much over it? If it ends up costing more in fines than what waiting was worth, it's not coming out of your pocket and next time your mother might think twice about pinching quite so many pennies.

Answer 3

I understand what your saying, but sit down and write a letter and sign it the city officials like its from them that they will be fined from all the trash and that will wake her up because of the money it will cost be creative and go to library and design this letter it will work she will never know it. And if she wants to contact them pitch the letter and tell her it will cost more if she makes wave. Sometimes we have to do these thing for there own good.

Answer 4

Your still in a childs role while being a care giver..they must learn that you do things at your pace there is an adjustment period where you are slowly reversing roles.  my mother was very bitter..i took care of her the last 7 years of her life.  Whe she tested my patience..i told her i had two words for her...nursing home..that calmed her down a little.  You can't let them live through you..you must be loving and firm just like they did when you were the one who needed supervision. they won't like it but tough.. you are taking care of them that is a gift in this country..so pace yourself and the family.Good Luck.

Answer 5

If you have a freecycle site in your area you could look there for a weed eater and mower.  For some of the things that you think others may be able to use, post them there.  It's all free and may help you to give some things a new home.  Good luck to you.

Answer 6

My friend, you have two bears to wrestle here.

The first one is simply the mechanics of getting the work done.  That's actually pretty easy - you can rent mowing equipment like a big DR trimmer or a Dingo with a weed whip.  You can round up three or four day laborers from a temp firm to help.  All it takes is some organizing and money, and then directing the work instead of doing it.

The second issue, though, is the long term care of your parents' place.  That is a much bigger problem.  It's going to take continued work and your parents can't do it.  It won't do for the place to get run down.  The big thing will be getting on top of it and staying on top of it.  I urge you to find some way to get help - if you try and take it on alone you'll end up burned-out and resentful.

Answer 7

Are your folks church goers ?  Perhaps you counld talk to a minister and explain to him what is going on . . .Maybe he will talk to your mom and explain that you need help with the yard . . .words from someone your mom respects may be heard and heeded ! !  You go girl ! !

Answer 8

I realize taking care of your parents can be a full-time job but you might consider taking a part-time job.  Then you would have an income plus time away from your parents.  Just being around co-workers and customers if you worked part-time at a WalMart would be a better existence for you.  

Another thought.  Church youth groups and boy scout troops sometimes take on work projects.  Perhaps they would want to spend a Saturday helping you work on the cleanup for your parents.  That would hurry up your mother to get the dumpster in place.

EDIT:  Pardon me.  Hope I didn't offend you.  I didn't mean for you to pay the bills for cleaning up your parents place.  I meant that having a few hours away from your parents and money to spend on yourself would be good for you.  Best wishes to you in all your efforts to help your parents.

Answer 9

Judging by all the answers looks like you have gotten plenty of help.

Answer 10

While it is very commendable that you are so helpful and respectful to your parents, it is not realistic that you can complete this work without their financial assistance or without help from an outside source.  Sometimes elderly parents must have a wake-up call to make them realize that their decisions are not good ones.  And sometimes their children must make the hard choice-- the choice to do nothing-- in order for that parent to come to her senses and spend what money is necessary to take care of the yard.  If they don't have the money, I suggest that you contact the department of social services and find out volunteer agencies in your area might be willing to pitch in and help.  

Answer 11

Been there. My father gave me advice to take one  spot at a time. My mother had old clothes from the 60's to cut and make quilt's and they reach to the ceiling.She had some many hobbies you could not walk around with out it being in the way. I call some other seniors and told them that what they could haul in their car it would cost them $1.00.They could not pass on a bargain. I got everything thing cleared in three weeks. I only had to go to the land field four times with the truck. Also freecycle is a great place . They have a listing near you. I join three of them near me. They also come and get things you want to give away free. Remember one day ,one spot at a time.  

Answer 12

Sapphire, I don't really know the best way to deal with this situation, but I believe that since your parents doctor knows the situation and knows you and how it is affecting you, that he might be able to suggest the best way for you to deal with this situation and others that you run into with your parents. Your dad put you in a position that he doesn't want to be in, going against what your mom wants and he is not going to back you on it, outwardly, but wants you to figure out how to do it. One possible solution is to borrow someones goat to eat the grass and such. Does your mother control all the finances? Can your dad free up some cash to cover the basics of clearing a path through the mess?  A cycle will cut down a lot of weeds. Takes a lot of muscle power, but it can be done. I will think about it and see if anything else comes to mind. Good luck with the situation and don't let it make you sick.  

Answer 13

Why not simply build a fire bit with a safety screen on top of it to contain the flying ash & debris & BURN THE TRASH!  If this is not allowed, then cover it with tarps & shove it in the BBQ a little bit at a time...it's FREE & FUN.  Just keep a hose nearby in case of a flying ember or two!

Answer 14

Plum Ecc has the right idea!

Answer 15

oh dear, u are in a dilemma .first of all ,

TAKE CARE OF UR SELF ,u break down won't help matters at all.

normaly i believe honesty is the best policy ,but in this case could u possibly let ur mother believe that the council or social security is doing it ?free? i know ,i know, but this is special ,and i would think in terms of emergency.

Answer 16

i agree with james on this one, you need to sit down with both your parents and have a heart to heart, at least try. your dads on your side, he needs to help you to pursuade your mum to come around, keep trying.

Answer 17

Yes, Sapphire, I believe the pile of trash you have.  My dad hoarded until the day he died.  My mom still does and that pile gets bigger all the time.  The thought of getting rid of any of this useless junk(mom considers it valuable but it is pure JUNK) makes her hysterical.  We fight about it constantly, it's the biggest stress in my life, I can't sleep either.    The stuff about waiting for sales and lawsuits is just an excuse.  Your mom doesn't want to get rid of the junk, she's even hoarding the grass now!  Your mom suffers from "compulsive hoarding disorder" just like mine.  Google that and you will get a world of info, maybe even some solutions.  Be sure to tell her doctors about this, there is medication to control it(but don't be surprized if she's extremely resistant to taking it).  BTW, do you have access to family funds?  You're getting the money to pay for your medication somewhere.  If so, just take some and buy a new mower.  The suggestion made by Plum_Ecc is a good  one.  Good luck and God bless.  Please do the google.  BTW, when my mom dies I think I'll just bulldoze the place and sell the lot.  I'm so sick to death of this junk I'm not going to sort through it.  

Please don't feel guilty.  You mom is not being realistic or rational, that is part of the sickness, it is beyond your control.

Answer 18

Hi Sapphire.  First of all, I admire you very much for being there for your parents in every way.   You obviously care for and respect them both very much.   However, it doesn't sound as though your mom is showing YOU much respect.   You need to take care of No.1 - YOU - first!!!   If I were in your shoes, I'd lay it all down for your mom and tell her that she needs to "come on-board" and do what's needed from her (renting the dumpster, acquiring the necessary tools, etc.) or you will not do anything.  Period.   That's not showing them disrespect.   You can't  move mountains, yet that is what you seem to be trying to do.   Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.   Like I  said, this is NOT showing disrespect for your parents, so if that's what worrying you put it out of your mind.    Good luck and God Bless.    

Answer 19

This is a terrible burden on you. Maybe you should stop cleaning up the junk for now. Tell your parents that unless you have what you need to clean up, that the junk stays. If they get a citation from the city maybe it will put fire under your mom's feet. You love your parents, but look at what you have to go through just to help them. If you don't take care of your health and you get sick, who will be able to care for your parents? Who will take care of you? Take a firm hand with your parents. You are doing them a favor just by looking after them. Poppy

Answer 20

reduce the problem -- your live in the country so just go to the back of the property and starting burning anything that will burn -- sort all metal into pounds after talking to a junk dealer --- junk is sky high right now so you should get a lot of christmas money -- along the line anything that cam be sold in a garage sale is sorted and placed aside -- between burning selling and giving away you should be in great shape -- good luck -- if you are in southern illinois shoot me your address and i will volunteer one weekend to help!!!!

Answer 21

You do have your hands full. You might ask her how much a fine would cost if the property was not cleaned up. I hope you can find a solution. I do think you need to take a few deep breaths and not worry about it too much.

Answer 22

just as when children are having to listen to rules of the adults of the house, your mother is going to have to give way to what you need to do. ask her what holiday sales she's waiting on. if she says thanksgiving then FINE drive her in on thanksgiving to get it. ask her what date she's waiting on, ask her how much she intends to spend and have a place ready for you to rent what you need. let her know that its unsanitary and unsafe to have so much clutter around. every time she gives and excuse, say that's okay, i can still clean up.

i'm not one to typically deceive people, but if you can rent the equipment that you need (without her knowing what you're doing) and get her gone for a weekend you can just clear everything out without her knowing.

and frankly, if he wants it done, but he isn't willing to talk to your mom to get the money for the project, its out of your hands. simply let it go.

Answer 23

I think it's time that you sit down with your mother and have a good heart to heart. Go to her in a way that makes her feel like you need her. That will be something a little different because she is the one that has been needing you. Your mom can handle it, tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her that you are feeling overwhelmed and a little depressed ( enough to feel you need medication ) about the way certain things are. Let her know that she and your father are not a burden and you want to take care of them but the way certain things are being done is just really hard to deal with and tell her what those things are. Tell her that by doing just a few things differently, you could feel more like yourself again and probably stop taking medication. I know she is getting old but she still has compassion for her daughter which would make her want to help you. I don't think she realizes how hard these issues really are for you. I think if she completely understood your situation she would get the dumpster, weed eater, lawn mower and whatever else it takes to get you feeling better. You have to express to her that this is affecting your health and you need her help. I really think it would be hard for her to argue with that. What could be left to say to you? She knows the problem and the solution and any other way isn't going to help you. You need respect too. Your parents were blessed with a daughter like you. Take care of yourself.  

Answer 24

I think MR. Ed gave you a good answer, you might ask the county for help and explain that you would like to get it hauled off, or even call the local clubs in your area and ask for help. There is no shame in asking for help from some of these organization LIONS, ELKS, KP, MASON  and many more

Answer 25

I really can't add much more than what has been written,  but having been a caregiver for both of my parents before they passed away four years ago, I will add just this. . . please take care of yourself, too. Join a support group for caregivers if possible.

www.caregiver.org

is a good place to start.

Answer 26

Put an ad in the paper asking for someone to clean up the property for the junk. Tell them they can keep everything they clear out but they must clean it all. Or call the local Salvage yard and see if they will bring a dumpster and help clean up so they can keep all the junk instead of being paid money. Call the County Sheriffs Department a see if they have a Work Program for their prisoners to come out and work for free or a small fee. It won't hurt to ask. Think about having an Auction or put a price tag on everything you want to get rid of and have a hugh yard sale. Good luck to you Dear Lady !!!!!