Follow Up Q - BF's ex-wife sent him a letter yesterday?

Question

I wrote yesterday to say my boyfriend's ex wife (just became final this week) sent him a letter yesterday. He opened it and let me read it without me even having to ask. It was a pretty nice letter actually just saying she hopes we are doing well, that her parents said he sounded excited about me, and that she bets we are pregnant or engaged (we are neither). She said she hoped his girlfriend wasn't mad she had written, wished him luck and said she wasn't angry anymore and was moving on with life, but to write her back if he wanted. I just said, "nice letter. are you going to write her back?' and he excitedly replies, "of course!" Now, I am happy he shared the letter with me without prompting and that it was in fact a nice letter. But my boyfriend doesn't understand at all why I had a bit of a knot in my stomach. I guess I just didn't like how excited he was to say he would definitely be writing her back and that while this may be a closure ritual, that I fear it is going to become a penpal situation (she is in prison). I see his point that I shouldn't feel upset at all because he showed me the note, but at the same time I was just trying to express my knot in my stomach and why I feel kinda/sorta uneasy. Our conversation turned into a big fight. I mean, a woman knows another woman and she even stated in her letter that she thought I might be mad. I'm not mad, just uneasy. What do you guys think? I might need a stern talking to! Thanks...

Answer 1

this is an easy one. They both are happy each other are doing well and ok....yeah it happens...not everyone wants their old flame (ex) back but you do want to know they have moved on and are in a good relationship.

I feel the same towards my ex. I wish her all the best and I can't wait for her to tell me that she actually found somebody that she is satisfied with and happy again.

It's all good imo. they had their time together...you just don't erase that person from your lifetime no matter what lead up to the split.

it happens.  

Answer 2

Honestly, if I were youI wouldn't worry too much about it. Everything was out in the open he hid nothing from you and I have much respect for him for that. And as far as him being excited, you need to find out if they were friends for a significant amount of time either before or after the relationship. Even though they were married she still may have been a very good friend at some point and it's always nice to hear from old friends. Even if it does end up being a penpal situation, she's in prison sweetie and he has obviousy moved on. I wouldn't read too much into it unless he starts to give you reason.

Answer 3

Well i think that once again, a man shared something and now regrets it.  He was open and honest and regardless of your unease it really wasn't justified nor should you have mentioned it.  Now, he may think next time, Oh, better not be honest w/ her because shell still have an issue.

If it were me, Id straight up apologize, thank him for being so open and honest and ask him to please forget i even said anything.

Answer 4

Ok for one thing she's in prison - I'd keep my distance if I were you, who knows what this woman is capable of.

Secondly yes it was a good thing that your boyfriend showed you the letter without you asking - that shows honesty. I guess at the end of it all these two people were in love, they have a history and played a big part in each other's lives.

To be fair yes there is that possiblilty that something can develop but  its not for you to make the decision. Its his choice, yes you'll feel awkward about it, you may also feel that theres something going on. Thats where communication is the key. You cant stop him from talking to her. Its also not fair to play the "its me or her" game coz you'll only lose.

Trust is something that you have to have in a relationship, everyone feels threatned. Its natural just dont let it get in the way. Your boyfriend was probably happy that she has accepted the divorce ect. People change, thats how he probably see's it. So in my opinion keep your communication open with him. Just coz he's friends with her doesnt mean you have to be.  

Answer 5

for starters if she is in prison and they are divorced with no kids then she has no business writing him at all. and the reason why she wrote is becasue she just wants to get in your business to see if your pregnant or married yet so when she gets out she can try to get him back. he does not need to write her back and tell her anything that is going on between you and him it none of her businesssss!!!! the letter is only nice because she is trying to get information. if she was out of jail the letter would not be nice at all believe. ex-wives are always playing games. they dont have a shitting fit until they find out that their ex-husands has moved on, got remarried or have new girlfreinds and then here they come with using the kids and it becomes an issue. my husand's ex-wife tried that mess with me when she found out that her ex-husband was engaged to me,but i put a stop to that before it even got started. i tolerate no **** with ex-wives. you better get on the matter fast or it is going to be a problem. you tell him straight up that he will not be writing his "ex" and telling her anything about your personal affairs.

Answer 6

uhhh why would he return the letter?!?!?! If he was over her and everythings said and done with..why would he go backwards?!?! The ex wife is only writing to him because she wants attention and probably wants him back..don't let that happen.you have the right to be mad on this one.  

Answer 7

Shes in prison - maybe shes trying to get out of her old ways and trying to make amends with the people in her life.  Let him write his letter and mayber this is closure for both of them.

Answer 8

It sounds like she has gotten some counseling on this. This letter was to clear "Her" conscience and let her begin to heal and get on with her life. Don't fret over this, and be glad that they are being amiable to each other.

Answer 9

Him being a man, chance are he will never actually write or mail the letter.

Just let it be.  Do not mention it again.  

Hang in there, dude, she is a prison hag.  If he even wanted to be with her again, WHY would you want a guy that would take that trash?

Answer 10

yeah i understand exactly what you mean here.. maybe you should just sit down with him and write the letter together, or definaltly make him show you what he writes before he sends it. if he doesnt let you see then things go to a whole new level. grr.   lol x

Answer 11

No, that's not right, whenever you get a knot in your stomach that is a warning, and this just isn't right; one, why was he so excited and two, why start up a correspondence with her? Makes no sense.

Answer 12

I could understand if he wrote her something inappropriate, but he appears to be happy that she has found closure and probably wants closure himself.

Regardless, you have no reason to mistrust him until he shows cause to do so.

If he starts writing her on a regular basis, then you need to explain to him that his attachment to his ex is not natural for someone who is in a new relationship.

If he keeps the lines open, he is not over her, or ready to be in a relationship with you.

Responding to her letter is not cheating. If it becomes a regular thing, then he will be emotionally attached to her. That I would consider a violation of the relationship. Either way, it has not reached that level.

When people cheat...it is not about their spouse, it is about them, their morals, and what they lack.

Best wishes

Answer 13

no, no, no, no ,no.

She knows exactly what she's playing at! And look at his response.

Dig those heels in! What did he do so wrong that he should be so happy with the letter?

He should be focusing on his present situation i.e. you not his past i.e. her.

Don't blame yurself, I would have made him throw the letter in the bin before he even opened it.(if I was a woman)