Follow up...?

Question

So after my question reguarding my sister who's daughters bio-father was in prison for raping her and in again for failing to register, I decided to look him up.

He's out and living about 2 blocks from where I work.

I told my sister and she seems to still be in denial about her daughter having a different bio father than the one she knows and Daddy.

Now, she had her daughters name legally changed, which cost $250 and an hour with the magistrate. Noone contested and he was truely nowhere to be found. She can't afford to have her husband adopt her 'til she gets taxes back.

Do you thing that she should tell her daughter. Do you thing it's okay to let her believe her Dad is also her Bio-father too. It's unlikely she'd find out from the family, but there is a chance he'll (more likely his mom)come looking for her.

If anything it would be a good idea to tell her just in case he tries to snag her or something.... Her school knows and have taken extra precautions when he's out

Answer 1

Hi,

Sorry this might not be what you want to hear, but i believe a human has a right to know who their parents are - no matter what.  It is wrong to lead somebody to believe that their heritage, medical, etc. is something other than it truly is.   While your intentions are good, the results are not.   What you may see as attempting to shield somebody else from possible disappointment, the fact is, we all at one time or another deal with things that are disappointing.  Furthermore, if she finds out from somebody other than her mother, she will feel betrayed, especially with the older she becomes.  Denying facts does not make them go away.  It is not fair for somebody else to be living a lie because of it.

The question should not be how can we make sure this individual never finds out an important fact about themself.  The question is saying it at the right time, how to say it gently and how to continually be supportive.  That is true love and understanding for the person.

To not tell them, reverts back to the days when social-worker-wisdom dictated it was best to not ever tell a child they were adopted.  We now know that is wrong.

It does not mean that the girl cannot continue to have a good relationship with the man she calls dad now.  Please urge the parents to do the right thing.  Good luck.

julie

reunited adoptee