For APs, PAPs, and natural mothers and adoptees with no 'issues'?

Question

Many adoptees here have recommended books to read to help engender understanding about what it's like to grow up adopted.

Usually, The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier and Journey of the Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton are suggested the most here.

Have you read either of those books, or other books about adoption?

If not, where does your knowledege about adoption come from?

Answer 1

I am an adoptive foster/adoptive mom so I guess my knowledge comes from personal experience and from talking with other parents who are too.

Answer 2

From living my life as an adoptee from the age of 2. Is there no better way to know how it feels than to have lived it. A book can't tell me how I should fell I know how I feel. I don't have issues about my adoption or my life as an adopted child. I'm no kid so I do have some experience.

Answer 3

Yes, I have read both of the books that you specifically mention, and many others.  I use my own personal experience, the perceptions I have gleened from living/working near other adoptees, the books I have read, and good ol' common sense to formulate my opinions about adoption.  And I believe that my opinions are just that:  opinions.  I hope my opinions are treated with the same respect that I always try to offer others' opinions.

I read The Primal Wound only because it seemed to be source material for so many other books.  As I was reading it I found myself thinking again and again:  Well, of course!  But I was reading the book from the point of view of the mother, thinking about my own pregnancies and newborns.  It hurts to read this book thinking of myself as the child.  And I sadly had to accept that if it was true for me as a mom, it must be true for me as a baby relinquished for adoption.  It does explain many quirky things about myself.

The complete title is:  Journey of the Adopted Self:  A Quest for Wholeness  ...   and the title of this book is just so wrong for its content.  The entire book lists and explains how the adopted child is "split" and "fragmented."  It is a troubling book with convoluted logic that I have a hard time taking seriously since it really does focus on everything negative about being adopted.  A typical example:  it raises the old question of which is the "real" mother.  Birthmother is the biological mother but did not act like a real mother when she relinquished her baby.  Adoptive mother acted like a real mother but is not blood-related.  So, which is the real mom?  According to Lifton, neither of them is real.  And she continues by claiming that if the mothers are not real...get this...neither is the baby.  

I will say that both books make the point that bparents and aparents arrive at adoption with at least some life experience, some ability to rationalize the experience, and the possibility of being able to "get on" with their lives afterward.  But the adopted child has no pre-trauma self.  The primal wound is one of the baby's first experiences, he/she has no defense against it, has no other experience other than the paradise of the womb by which to judge or rationalize it.  Some will deal with it better than others.

Answer 4

Adoption books I've read:

Lost Daughters of China

20 Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

I also read blogs by first parents, adoptees and adoptive parents.

Most of my knowledge about adoption comes from my conversations with my mother and her birthmother, and neither of them would say they have adoption 'issues.'

Answer 5

i am an issue free adoptee. i have not read a single book on adoption. i have gathered my experience about adoption by my life. i have to admit, y!a has taught me alot though. i am not angry, bitter, confused, any of that. i do not feel cast aside, unwanted, unloved or spurnned. i have felt like i was kind of the outsider growing up, but thats just because i was a different type of person than my afamily. i was rock and roll, they were country. (old country at that, like george jones and patsy cline)

if it makes people feel better to read these books, then by all means they should. i personally never felt the need to. i believed there was a good reason i was put up for adoption. it wasnt me, i wasnt the problem, the problem was with my biofamily. and just for the record, it was the right choice.

some need outside verification of the feelings they have, and they deserve that. i just didnt have that need. i dont know if i am rare, lucky or just normal. but thats how it is

Answer 6

"...but I gave a baby up for adoption so I'm thinking I'm a natural mother."

Huh? Are you really thinking? Go read a book dear, you ARE a natural mother.

Answer 7

Well, I don't no if I'm issue free, is anyone?  But, I've read many books about adoption, including The Primal Wound.  I've read 20 Things Adopted Children Wish Their Parents Knew (I wonder what you think of that one?)  My favorites, as a mother of an international adoptee, are Are Those Kids Yours?  and Beyond Good Intentions by Cheri Register.  Must reads for any parent adopting internationally.  My knowledge about adoption also comes from talking to many members from all positions in the "adoption triad".

Answer 8

Of the course of my several decades of life, many similar books have been recommended to me many times in my life.  In every case, I have not found the book informative, useful, or applicable.  I have long since given up trying to find answers in books.

I prefer to actually talk to people.  The information I get is from personal experience and from the dozens of adoptive and adopted people I know.  (None of whom express any of the vehemence I see on Y!A).

Answer 9

I'm an adoptee and bmom, as you all know now.  LOL

I read the Primal Wound just a couple weeks ago.  As some of you may have read before from me.  I feel so so so sorry for those women.  Their families were horrible!  I cannot imagine treating my child that way - ever!  Such an awful thing to do, they had absolutely NO support and that is terrible.

But...I cannot relate to any of them.  I made my decision totally on my own - before I told anyone I was pg.  I had total support from my family and friends, and would have no matter what my decision.  I was asked over and over if I was sure etc....  I got very good counseling all through my pregnancy and for months afterward.  I've done much research on adoption and so have my parents all my life.  Its always been an open topic.  My pregnancy was never hidden, or not talked about or something to be ashamed of.

Answer 10

I'm not sure about all the 'lingo' like APs, PAPs, etc. but I gave a baby up for adoption so I'm thinking I'm a natural mother, and my husband and his brother were both adopted (separately).  They both have very different experiences, both as kids and adults.  I also have a friend who adopted.  That's where my experience with adoption is from, and we have no 'issues' to speak of.  Therefore, I've never felt the need to read about adoption, since most of the books I've seen are about trying to help people 'fix something'.

*Although I should add I've considered reading a few books about adoption recently, since I'm realizing it's SUCH an emotionally heated topic for some, even if it hasn't been for us.

**To jessica, below- I'm sorry if I offended you.  I'm not sure why biological mothers, birth mothers, whatEVER are called natural mothers, because I was faaar from being a natural mother when I gave birth.  Many women never are natural mothers, even when they have several kids.  Conversely, the women who adopted my baby WAS a natural mother- she is extremely loving, caring, nurturing, etc.- and has never given birth.  So she was more of a 'natural' mother than I was.  But go ahead, make fun of me.  I don't mind, if it makes you feel better.