For Adoptees - Are you consumed by adoption?

Question

I'm mostly interested in hearing from adoptees who acknowledge some ambivalence towards adoption. One thing I have experienced, on the web and in real life, is that any time I express concerns about the practice of adoption, and the effect it has on children, I am told that it is bad to dwell on the negative. If I dwell on the bad things that have happened, I will be consumed by them and never get anywhere in life. I need to get over the pain and hurt I feel and move forward.

But I think I have done remarkably well for myself. I am a professional, with an advanced degree. I have a lovely wife, and a wonderful family (consisting entirely of her and I and three cats). I am very active in my community, and have many hobbies. I don't feel that my negative feelings about adoption have held me back or consumed me.

But I'm curious whether I'm unusual in this way? Do you think your concerns for adoption have hampered you?

Answer 1

i am one of 6 adopted children, i have nothing negative to say about adoption, i love my siblings i love my parents, we always knew we were adopted and felt it made us extra special, i don't see where there are any negatives it is all how you look at it, my glass is half full yours is half empty

Answer 2

My husband was adopted and he really doesn't seem to give it a second thought. He doesn't have this deep loss from not knowing the looms from which he was fruited (so to speak) and he figures anything medical, he'll deal with it as it comes.

Answer 3

I don't know why people tell you that Phil.  Its not dwelling on the past but dang, adoption is such a HUGE part of our lives as adoptees.  I also don't feel that I have let it hamper me in any way.  Due to the circumstances, I think that I also have turned out well.  Honestly though, not a day goes by that it isn't on my mind.  I love my adoptive parents to death!  I could not have asked for better.  But despite that, at the end of the day, how I came about is still on my mind.  I wonder how people like us can make a difference.  So to answer your question (your GOOD QUESTION), I would have to say no, I do not feel as though my adoption concerns have hampered me.  If anything, they have made me stronger and more passionate when I talk about adoption.  You keep doing what you are doing and continue on with your successful life.  Ignore the ignorant comments from those who just don't get it or understand because THAT'S what hinders a person.

Answer 4

Phil---

I'm now starting to learn to ignore people on here that say"accept your situation and get over it". Because when they say that, that is telling me they have not read my question or answer. I think in your questions and answers you do not talk about any regert or obessing about your adoption. You just wanted to know your birth mother. Which is your right.

When people say things like get over it accept your lot in life. They are one adoptive parents that are not being truthful to their children. Two they could be adoptees that refuse to think that not all adoptees had a rosy adoption experince as they did. People like this are very narrow-minded and shallow.

I feel in order to understand adoption you have to look at both sides. The good and the bad.  You are not unusual in any way. Expressing concerns about adoption practices does not make you weird or anything. Like I said this is your life and if you want to promote adoption reforms. I say go for it! It's your life.

Peace,

Healing Adoptee

Answer 5

I was adopted and I feel quite fortunate to have been adopted. I think that you have to accept your situation--and this is true with anyone whether they have been adopted or not. If you have a desire for something you can't have (such as knowledge of your biological past) and you turn that desire into an obsession, then you're going to be miserable. On the other hand, if you accept the things that are outside of your control and work with what you have, then you'll more than likely find peace and happiness.

Answer 6

I don't think my concerns for adoption have hampered me. However, I would probably be quite a different person if I didn't have adoption looming over my life.

And, of course, I don't think I should just "suck it up" and move on, so to speak. When you experience a loss in your life you don't just move on. If someone close to you dies, the hurt is always there. At times the hurt is bigger and at times smaller. I think its the same with adoption. I think there is a difference between dwelling on the negative and being consumed by the negative.

Answer 7

I was adopted at 18 months and was okay until I turned 11.  At that time I became obsessed and wanted to find my "real" parents since mine "sucked" (they didn't but I didn't like what was going on - we had to move out of state and I had to start a new school and I was developing physically and all sorts of c**p).  My parents dealt with me very well and contacted the adoption agency and found out all kinds of information about my biological parents, such as I was a first kid, they were divorced, a little medical history, my name for 18 months, and probably the biggest issue - WHY they gave me up and knowing it was the most difficult thing they had to do .  My parents shared this information with me and after processing I was okay with it.  Several years later I had another inkling to find something out and registered with several adoptee reunion websites.  Nothing came of them and I have since accepted that I was not meant to know everything and I am now at peace with my adoption.

Answer 8

At times I have been 'consumed' by adoption.

I certainly was during the search & reunion time of my life.  You almost NEED to be.  It takes a tremendous about of strength and courage to decide to find your roots.  And it's a lonely affair with little emotional support.  Even if you have supportive APs (most do not) you have YEARS of  society's tapes playing in your head, lucky, grateful, why not just be happy with what you have, everyone has issues, blah, blah,  Even the advice columnists are against us.

Couple this with the fact that most US states have closed records and adoptees have to jump through hoops that non-adopted people can't possibly imagine, and often pay large sums of money for information that everyone else has known all their lives.

If a person didn't become consumed, I don't think they could do it.  It's exhausting.  You have to find an inner momentum that one might use for other things--but if you didn't harness that energy, you simply couuldn't make it up the hill while many are trying to pull you down.

This consumption is often seen as anger by others who can't seem to see or honor how difficult this trek is for the adoptee.  Public shaming is difficult for anyone, but maybe more difficult for adoptees who grew up in a secretive, shame-based instiution. Is it any wonder that many adoptees claim not to be interested?

I have taken breaks from adoption.  I sometimes get 'consumed' again--for little adoptees.  Because I now have children, I have been thurst into a previosly unknown world: parenting.  I come in contact with many APs & PAPs, and have been shocked that little, if anything has changed in the world of adoption.  We've seen the advent of Oprah and the Internet, but adoption is still an esentially closed deal.  I hear of false 'open' adoptions, parents who believe that piano lessons and tropical cruises will eliminate the basic need to know where we come from.  The current trend of US parents who will go to any length and land to procure children is astonishing to me.

ETA:  TAX GURL, Hon, I just gotta say, all of the self 'programming', 'supressing', and 'training' you speak of IS consumption,  just not a productive kind.  And you're giving up on having children because you're afraid of your unknown history.?!  Wow, that makes me really sad.  I know you're not ready to 'open the door' yet, but if you ever are, please come to adultadoptees.org/forum where there are hundreds of people just like you, who have been where you are, and know the way out.  Hugs.

Answer 9

One of my very good friends is adopted, and has a wonderful professional life with a great husband.  She is delighted she was adopted - she knows a little about her birth parents, and believes her adoptive parents are soooo much better.  In fact, she's planning to adopt children herself instead of having biological kids.