For Adoptees - I need YOUR help!?

Question

I am a custodial stepmom to my 8 year old stepson. He was adopted from Russia at 20 months old. 10 months after he arrived in the US he experienced another tramatic event and his Adoptive Mom left to be with someone else. Obviously, the two never bonded. I met him right after he turned 3. In his mind, he thought I was going to be his new "Mom". This child has gone through so much in his young life and is struggling emotionally.

Being the one who is raising him along side his Dad I want to make sure that I do everything I can to be there for him and let him know that he is loved - just as he is. Part of that is helping him know "who" he is as much as we can with what we have and know.

I come here to read the perspective of adoptees -I'm still confused - so I'm asking it flat out - If you were in my shoes - what would you do? What is the right way to help him?

This is very serious to me - Thanks in advance for your help.

Answer 1

Your stepson has gone through a great deal.  I suggest he needs a foundation to cling to.  While most children are able to cling to their parents, in your boy's case, he may feel reluctant to fully trust adults and may even unconsciously wonder when the next one will leave.

So how could you give him a foundation? First, as I am sure you are doing already, you can constantly encourage and love him, letting him know you are there.  Second, you may want to help him to develop pride in his heritage.  Is there a Russian speaking community where you live?  Maybe you can get him lessons in Russian.  Perhaps the two of you can study folktales and cook Russian food.  This would not be done to make him feel like different than you and the family, but to show that you respect his heritage and that he can too.  This self-pride may help him weather some tough storms as he matures.

If you wish, you may email me, and I'll give you a list of different folktales, stories, etc. that might be good.

Best wishes,

Tobit

Answer 2

I'm in a bit of a different situation in that I have a nephew who was adopted and then his A-mother died (my sister-in-law).  I am in the position of being the "mom" in his life even though I'm his aunt.

It is easy to get overwhelmed with the issues of adoption and future issues.  But the first thing this little guy needs is to feel safe and loved.  If he is curious about his past, gently and sensitively join with him in finding answers.  But don't let the unknown facts of his history get in the way of developing a relationship with him.   Go at his pace.  If you are listening he will let you know how much of his history he is ready to hear.

I have struggled with these issues with my nephew, too and I just try to let him lead the way.  Sometimes he comes close, but then retreats from me suddenly but, as he tests me, he is learning to trust.  I don't try and replace his mother but I'm happy to play a larger role in his life as he is ready.

Answer 3

This little man has ALOT to deal with at a tender age, but at age 8, you are catching  and acting on the healing process at just the right time and much of the damage can be mitigated with lots of work.  

He has been through alot and you are showing great compassion and already doing the right things by not dismissing or trivializing what he has been through, this is refreshing to see, as there is alot of denial and investment in adoption myths going on out there!

Gosh, he has lost his first mother, his heritage and everything that goes with it.   He has lost another mother.   Please know that he is in fear of losing you too, and please do everything you can to reassure him that you are NOT leaving him - he will have major trust issues

I would recommend  talking talking talking, openly and honestly with nothing off-limits.  Let him know that it's OK to talk about this because sometimes it can be very difficult to find the words.   For  you I would recommend reading - Nancy Verrier is an adoptive parent and author of 'Primal Wound' which could offer you a great insight

She  has some good advice, I can concur with here:

QUOTE  "Just love the baby and everything will be fine." Isn't that what most of you heard when being handed your new little baby? No one told you that you were assuming responsibility for a traumatized child. No one told you that your child may be afraid to truly connect to you because of the trauma of being separated from the first mother.

No one told you that parenting an adopted child means parenting plus...

Because no one told the birth mother, either, that relinquishing her baby meant a trauma for her child (and for her), when she is reunited with that child, she may blame you for the wounds that the child seems to have suffered. Although the adoptee may have had a good life, there is an aura of sadness, which cannot be explained except by understanding that the substitution of mothers is not accomplished without loss.

You have two strikes against you: You have the deficit of genetic markers and you have a traumatized child, who will be reacting to her trauma with you and in all meaningful relationships. You and your child have been doing a dance: the dance of learning how to be with one another. Other parents, including the birth parents, may not understand or even acknowledge this.

On the other hand, you do have an opportunity to have a really positive effect on your child. You can give unconditional love to a child who has been severely wounded, at the same time that you create the safety of limits and boundaries. You can encourage her special talents and aptitudes, even when they are different from yours. In fact, differences can bring new opportunities into your own life. You will find yourselves experiencing feelings that you didn't know existed, some of them resulting in frustration and confusion, but others offering new levels of understanding and compassion.

And you also need understanding and compassion. For although your child yearns to get close to you, he may be afraid to allow himself to do so for fear of another abandonment. When a trauma occurs early in a child's life, fear often wins over yearning. No one but another adoptive parent can understand the pain of almost but not quite connecting as profoundly as one might want. Adolescence is when even compliant children begin to act out the differences they feel with their adoptive parents. It can be very painful for all concerned. It is helpful to form support groups, so that this phenomenon can be kept in perspective and not personalized.

All adopted children have two sets of parents. If you understand the differences between biological and adoptive families, if you understand the loss your child has experienced, you can have a wonderfully positive impact on his or her life."

contacting Adoption Crossroads http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/

Answer 4

I would make sure that you continue to be part of his life if possible. He needs someone to fill the shoes of his mom. You also need to tell him at some point soon that you are not his mother. You don't need to necessarily need to tell him what happened but he needs to know you are not his mother

Answer 5

Simply being willing to ask questions, ask for help, and admit that you don´t know all the answers...I´d say that you are well on your way to helping this child.  As an adoptee, the thing that really bothers me is when other people (adopted or not) try to tell me how I should feel or what I should believe about relevant issues.  Ask your stepson what his issues are.  Talk openly, and don´t be afraid to admit you don´t know all the answers.  He won´t ask questions unless he is sure that you are comfortable answering.  Educate yourself about adoption issues to the extent possible.  There are many good books, but there is also a lot of trash as well.  Research with an open heart, but with your mind open for business too.  There are sooo many books, but a really good place to start might be:  The Primal Wound.

Answer 6

Honesty and laughter always work.  The honesty part can be difficult, but in the long run it will prove you are on his side and value him enough to always tell him the truth and do what is best for him.  He's so very young right now.  There a so many books out there for adoptive parents.  Check with your local bookstores.  You'll find tons of books you can read to him that will help you explain to him that he is adopted and that he is loved very much.  Answer any questions he asks throughout his life with as much information available to you and let him know that you will support him in any endeavor he undertakes, up to and including researching his birth family.  Good luck and congratulations.  It sounds like you have a great husband and a beautiful child.

Answer 7

hi i was addopted at the age 3 visits stopped with birth mum age 4. i was brought up by my adoptive dad as he split up with his wife when i was about 6 my dad sadly has just died  my advise to you is not to hold back on your love for this child you may be afraid that he may not be with you forever but you must show him as much love and trust as you can. make him awear of his past never lie be as open as a book and he will trust you love is the only way to mend a broken heart i love my dad more than anything

Answer 8

I am a custodial step mom as well as an adult adoptee. I thing the best thing you can do is to be the best "mom" you can be to him. Treat him as if he were your own. Love him no matter what.  If he has questions about where he came from or his adoptive mom answer them as best you can (age appropriately of course).

Let him know how important he is to you and that you will always be there for him.

Answer 9

I was adopted later in life, so I rememeber a lot. My best advice to you is to always be there for him no matter what. What makes a parent is not the birth certificate. Any one can be a mother or father but it takes someone special to be a mom and dad. Hope this helps even a little.

Answer 10

I want to say Bless you for what you are doing. Being there and spending time with him is probably the most important thing you can do. If he needs or perhaps the whole family needs some family counseling, then do it. Love him is the greatest thing you can do

Answer 11

stay away from Nancy Verrier and any of her books.  she is so anti-adoption.

Love him and be there for him.  just like you would with any other stepchild.  He's no different.  he should not be defined by his adoptee status -- it is not a badge of courage nor a badge of shame.  He is your husband's son and your stepson. . .period.  I don't know why people have to point someone's adoptee status -- leave it out of the equation.  just love him like you would any other child.