For Adoptees - does this pain ever go away?

Question

I have never liked being adopted, I think of my real mother all the time. I miss her so much. I wonder ever single day of she misses me, if she thinks of me, why she had to give me away.

Some days I can barely get out of bed, the ache in my heart is so horrible. My a-family loves me but they cannot replace her, or my real dad, or the brothers and sisters I might have.

Some days I wish she would have just had an abortion if she didn't want me. Becaues having to live without her is killing me.

Does it ever go away?

Answer 1

No. I still miss my bio mo, but I know I would be dead if she had kept me. My dad never knew about me, but my half brother does now. I know I will probially never meet her in this world, but I am glad she gave me up because now I am able to live day to day without worring about food or cold, and I can be educated and I live in a free country. I miss my mum and da every day, but I know that she gave me up because she loves me, and I trust that oe day we will meet again

Answer 2

I dont think it ever does. It lessons but it never goes away. I know I might not be adopted but i am 16 and gave my twins up for adoption without anyone knowing i know how it feels to have somthing missing.

Answer 3

I didn't find out I was adopted until I was in my twenties. There will always be questions. While it was unusual for the time I was adopted, it was an open adoption. My a-parents actually met my birth mom and knew the circumstances behind why I was put up for adoption. This doesn't necessarily make it easier. I know that I have a sister that is about one year older than me. She was NOT placed for adoption.

The one thing that made it a little easier for me was meeting someone else who made the same decision as my birth mother - to give up a 2nd child for adoption. Talking to her gave me the possible motivation of my b-mother. It was not that the child wasn't loved. It was because as a single mother it was hard enough having one baby to raise, let alone two.

I give her credit for trying to look out for mybest interests and I have no regrets with the way I was raised. However, my heart aches for the sister I never knew and wonder if she even knows about me. That pain never really goes away, but I keep the hope that maybe someday we will meet. And I refuse to let thoughts of her take over.

I believe that being an adoptee is never really easy or pain free. Just remember that your a-parents love you and really wanted you. Give your b-mother and family the benefit of the doubt. Is not easy to surrender a child. It's probably the hardest thing to let another family raise your flesh and blood. You will never be forgotten by her, no matter the circumstances.

I suggest that you look into some adoption support groups so that you can connect with others who may be going through the same thing. They can help you gain a different perspective. Please don't dwell on the pain because it will consume you. Be thankful you are here and weren't aborted. You do have a purpose even if you don't know what it is.

Best of luck to you. You are not alone. And if you think it might help, you can e-mail me through my profile.

Answer 4

I'm 32 and it hasn't gone away for me yet. I had the most wonderful amother in the universe, my paternal grandmother, and that didn't stop the pain. I had material objects, went to a great school, my aparents were married to each other until they died, I had a fun childhood and everything a kid could want, and that didn't stop it. I'm married now, have 5 great kids, and I've even met my mother and siblings now but the pain didn't stop. I'm going to try going to counseling soon to see if that helps, but I don't think anything can truly ease the pain of losing your mom, at least not for me. It seems to me you haven't yet found your mom. I found mine and she did tell me she missed me, loved me, thought about me, regretted not keeping me, and it did help but it didn't make it all better. The thing is, no one has EVER questioned my grief for losing my amom/grandma, people expect me to be sad and in pain over losing her, but they don't understand why I grieve over losing my first mom. They say I'm bitter and ungrateful for grieving her. Why is that?

Answer 5

You might consider getting some therapy it might help you to talk about it.  I guess for some the pain doesn’t completely fade away. I really couldn’t say since I’ve never had this feelings being an adoptee. Sure I have wondered things, questioned if biomother ever thought of me etc. Not to the point where my heart is aching inside because I don’t know her etc.  Even though I don’t feel the way you do as an adoptee I know there are many others who do so your not alone in your feelings there are other adoptees who feel this way or have at some point in their lives.

Answer 6

I found out I was adopted when I was around 8 years old.  Since I was adopted almost immediately after birth, I have no recollection of any mother and father besides the ones that raised me.  There is a sense of sadness once in a while when I find myself wondering what she looks like, or wondering if she thinks about me on my birthday or if I have any siblings since my adopted brother and I don't get along at all.  It isn't a knawing pain for me though...I am very fortunate she gave me a chance to live and to be loved by my parents

Answer 7

It hurts a lot doesn't it.

And it hurts even more when people never validate the pain you feel - or say that you're crazy for feeling the way you do.

We do have two sets of parents. And when I finally admitted that - it helped me a lot.

You have every right in the world for feeling the way you do.

If your first parents died - you'd be allowed to voice your sadness of loosing them.

So go ahead and shout out loud that you do hurt - and that you do want to know where you came from - who your blood relatives are - what they look like - and you should be allowed to meet them.

Any adoptive parent that won't allow that - is very selfish & completely lacks compassion - in my honest opinion.

I have found that - no - the pain doesn't completely go away - but it dulls a little with time & with reunion.

Poss. x*x

Answer 8

Okay. Sigh. You need help, hun. I'm adopted, and I'm sorry but this idea that your 'real' mother is the one who gave birth to you is sad. My REAL mother is the one who raised me, who gave up everything for me, who cried when I was hurt, you laughed when I did silly stuff, who I cried for like my heart was  breaking when she died. I guess what I'm saying is try not to romanticize your idea of your birth mother and your birth family. By all means, get to know her if you can. It may change your ideas about her. And whatever you do, talk to someone about this. Don't let it eat away at you.

Answer 9

Justme said "As soon as I expressed my desire to meet my birth family she began work almost that day to locate my family and help me heal.. So the answer is yes, the pain can go away if dealt with. You can spot those adopttee's who have dealt with the abandonment issues and those who have allowed it to fester and damage their basic human nature."

I found this extremely disturbing.  What if your adoptive mother had not helped you, Justme?  Do you think it would be fair to blame YOU, then, for "allowing" your issues to "fester?"  If your adoptive mother did not get you the help you needed and instead denied, ignored, or dismissed your issues, would YOU be to blame?

You make it sound as if people CHOOSE to be damaged when the world around them denies the damage.  They may not even have a clue as to what is wrong if everyone else is saying "there's nothing wrong!"

Answer 10

no it does not go away but it does get essayer with time but it will be there for life

good luck

Answer 11

it will kill you until the day you meet her. have you tried finding her? if you r looking good luck with you. maybe one day you will get your peace with her, just hang in there. and im sure she does miss you, you were her child.sometimes thinks happen like she may have had non financial support thought maybe better to give you to someone who can take care of you, though she loved you.not because she didnt love you just down on the luck.i pray you find her.thats right you can not replace her, dont try to until you hear it from her, why she had to do what she done, give her a chance to tell her side of the story to.

Answer 12

I'm sure your birth mother thinks of you every day, too - and she probably gave you up because she thought it was the best thing to do, best for you.  You have a family that loves and cares for you, and when you were born - your birth mother must not have thought she could provide that for you.

You aren't living without her.  She's in your heart and in your blood.  Think of her with kindness, not sadness.  It goes away if you change your perspective.

Answer 13

just focus your attention to your family now just be thankful for all the love and care that they given to you ... your real mother wants a better future for you.. so maybe at that time she cannot provide you or she is still not ready for a big responsibility.. I' m sure your real mother loves you because she let you see how beautiful this world.. she gives you life....

just be positive appreciate everything... you are lucky!!!

someday your own experiences will answer all your question..

Answer 14

Im 41 and the pain is still there....i dont think it ever goes completely as its a big part of your life you never had,

I always wonder what life would have been like.

My adoptive parents were the most wonderful parents you could ever wish for(they passed away 4 yrs ago)they were also my grandparents,

My dad got his parents to adopt me as he wanted to keep me and my birth mother didnt want me,that way he could always see me and he did.

I will never forgive bmum as they already had a daughter and a son before me and then had another son 6yrs after i was born,that i could never understand and never will,

I know my bmum and i really dont like her so the best thing that ever happened to me was to be adopted but that still dosent help the fact that there will always be that part of my life i will always wonder about.it hard hun but chin up,dont let it ruin your life,i was resentful for years but thats not the way to go,at least you do have parents that love you.....some kids dont even get that chance in life.

Answer 15

Does it ever go away?  For some people yes and for some people no.  I am 26 and have always known I was adopted and I have always struggled with issues and emotinal pain because of it.  I was adopted into a wonderful family and I know I am loved, but I still deal with the pain and hurt everyday.  I have know my birthmom for almost 10 years and that has helped in some ways and made it worse in others.  I do think maybe counseling would help, you could at least talk about your feelings, also trying writing letters to your birthmom (even though you have no where to mail them, one day you might), get involved in activities and hobbies, and I do believe in the power of prayer.  I honestly can't say it does or doesn't go away, the experince is different for all adoptees.  But I can tell you can go on and not let it define you. Trust me, I know exactly how you feel, I have been depressed and sucidal behind my issues with being adopted, and at 26 I still struggle with it. Utimately God will have to heal you heart, in time I pray He will.

Answer 16

No it does not ever go away.  I think we learn to live with it.  Yes she does think of  you.  They never forget. They never go on with their lives.  It depends on how they were treated at the time of our birth.  My agency has a death grip on the mothers.  I only know of five people that have been in contact with their children .  Five mothers that says a lot.  

You should not have to feel grateful that "she gave you life."  She would have chosen the route no matter what unless she had support.  You should have to feel grateful over not being "dumped in a dumpster."  If she placed you, she was in very sound mind even if she might have been coerced.  My adoptive parents don't want me feeling grateful to them for adopting me.  So don't fall for that one either.   Have you searched for her?

You can contact all of us via http://www.adultadoptees.org.  We will show you the direction in your search.

Answer 17

I think the question depends on the character of the people involved. I fell in love with a girl and from the results of that love a child was conceived. We were both under 17 and considered minors. She was from a Jewish background I was not. It was in the 60's and the male had little or no rights. The parents send the girl to Florida and the child was put up for adoption and I had no say whatsoever. So I have been searching for my daughter for over forty years now. There's been many of sleepless nights and long walks with only the darkness to share my tears. For me the pain has never lessened, my heart has always been broken and there always been that great emptiness that haunts my soul. I never got to hold her or tuck her in to bed at night or hear her call me dad. I never got to watch her struggle with her first few steps or watch her grow from pigtails to ponytails. All I could do was pray that she was loved and appreciated. I was the stranger and the people who adopted her became her world. Records are sealed and doors are locked. So you are sentenced with a lifetime of punishment for a crime you didn't commit. Some children are better off being adopted and some are not. For me my child was stolen from me and handed out like she was just some item on a bargain basement shelf. I came from an era where men don't cry but, I've spent a lifetime crying for her. I married and had another daughter who filled my heart with love but my other arm was always empty where my missing daughter should be. So one fills your heart with love and the other breaks your heart because she is not there. I know the questions she will ask . Why did you not love me? Why did you not fight for me? Why did you give me away as though I was nothing? So don't judge your natural parents to harshly. They are not always to blame. The experts have their books and theories but they have only walked in their own shoes. Perhaps you will meet your real parents some day I truly hope so. If not perhaps you will marry more wisely now and be certain that your children will not have to walk the same hard road that you traveled as a child.

Answer 18

I don't have any experience with this, but I would think that as you age, you'll come to terms with it. Who knows, maybe when you're an adult (assuming you're not), that you'll be able to meet with her. Don't put all your hope in that or her though. People can really let us down when we put them up on a pedestal like that. You never know, she may really be a horrible woman who should've never had kids and would've been a bad mom to you! You never know, right? Just appreciate the parents you have and never let them feel that they are beneath HER in your love. They're the ones who have given you everything so far in life. Love them and thank them.

Answer 19

You don't need help because you grieve the loss of your real mother. We all need help when we endure a trauma like the one all of the adopted people in this thread have endured. Loss of a mother is fatal to some infants. This is a huge loss that little of society recognizes in the United States especially. Like Marsha said "why is that?" What they need to be asking themselves is how have they allowed themselves to be brainwashed to the degree one has been when he/she believes losing the  most critical asset to an infant his/her mother wouldn't have a profound effect on ANY and EVERY human being who endures it.

The pain of losing your family, I don't think will ever go away. I do believe there are ways to live a fullfilled life through acknowledging your pain and finding validation in it we can always grow and heal. But will it EVER go away completely, no I do not think it will.

Answer 20

It will in time, i didnt know i was adopted untill my late teens, nearly 20. I was only adopted by my step father whom i thought was my real father. So it came as a shock to me. But i found my real father, sadly i only had him a year before he died. that was 10 years ago this year. I am guessing you asking all sorts of questions inside, why who what where, ect. all the quesrions i needed to ask my dad. some answer i got.

Yes the pain does fade in time. But in mean time can you get counselling or talk to your adoptive parents on how you feel. I think the root of your depression is Why did she give you away, there may have been a good reason, anyway you can find out? They may not want to tell you as they dont want you hurt, but your are hurting now, but if you dont tell your adoptive parent you are hurting, its going to get worse. Also Adoptive parent may fear of you 1 day asking about your real mother, just in case they may loose you. But its your right to know. But please please get counselling, Your real mother may have had good reason in giving you up. She may be thinking about you to. But you need to talk.

Answer 21

Yes it can, I was adopted during the "hush..don't ask, don't  tell" era and I have discovered it may not ever go away but there is a healing process like like anything else and if ignored it breeds and contaminates your soul, if you deal with the issues quickly than you can begin the healing process. I am adopted and not told as was the custom for a woman my age but when I did find out and began to struggle my mother immediately arranged me sessions with a counselor by myself and again with my parents. As soon as I expressed my desire to meet my birth family she began work almost that day to locate my family and help me heal.. So the answer is yes, the pain can go away if dealt with. You can spot those adopttee's who have dealt with the abandonment issues and those who have allowed it to fester and damage their basic human nature.

Answer 22

No.  For me it has lessened, though.

But I have also been in reunion with my mother for 20 years.  But I still get sad when my mother talks about her mother, whom I only met twice.  

There is time that passes that can't be recovered.  Contrary to what many people say, families are not interchangeable.  Adoptive parents usually only party to GAIN in the adoptive arrangement.

Adoptees and natural parents LOSE.  And often the price of the 'choice' is lifetime longing for your authentic self.

And for adult adoptees, there is a new pain.  Seeing, and hearing about a whole new generation of adoptees having to relive the lies we had to live.  I feel their agony.  An agony that most of the US chooses not to acknowledge.

But if you are having trouble getting out of bed, you need to get some help.

Check out these:

adultadoptees.org/forum

adoptionsrossroads.com

Good luck.

Answer 23

In your situation I would suggest therapy, because although the pain, and grief and loss and all that are normal, the way it sounds like you are coping with it is not necessarily healthy.  Adoptive parents are supposed to replace your bio-family... they are supposed to become just more family lol.  

I went through quite a bit of pain as a teenager about the whole thing, mostly with abandonment issues, but I am only 20 now, and I have basically reached the other side of it.  So ya, the pain can go away, but you won't wake up one day without it.

Answer 24

No it doesnt go away. Reunion has helped lessen it some but then again you see everything you missed out on and all the lost years. I spent 20 years searching, because of the closed record system.