For Adoptees?

Question

I am about to begin the process of adopting a toddler boy. I would like to know from adoptees out there and their parents what could have been to:

1) make their transition easier (if you weren't adopted as an infant) and;

2) what things could your parents have done to make life as an adoptee easier.

Also, do you have unresolved issues being adopted?

Thanks!

Answer 1

i was adopted before i was born. my only issue is that it was a closed adoption and my lawyer lost my medical records. i need them badly but have no way of retriving them. also (im 20) i would have liked to have a picture of my parents just so i could see what they looked like. other than that, i like being adopted, i kind of like the mystery of not being like my parents like my brother and sister are.

also, thank you for adopting, there are so many kids out there that need homes!!!!

Answer 2

You should read the book "20 Things Adopted Kids Wish their Adopted Parents Knew" by Sherrie Eldridge.  some of the issues Im sure you will face will be covered in the book.

I was adopted at 6 or 7 years old with my biological sister.  I am now 33.   i was very aware of each and every foster home I went to.  I knew that it wasnt going to be permanant, and we'd be moving along in a matter of months.  (Back then, they felt it was better if the child does not get attached to the foster family.)

When I met my adoptive parents, it was a rather strange event.  My mother to be crooned over us as if we were dolls made of porcelain.  "Bill, they are so adorable.  They are so cute...I want them in our house."  My almost-father agreed.  you see, the social worker had taken away the salt and pepper.  She asked me to go over to "Cathy and Bill" and ask them for the condiments.  

I was 5, and I remember thinking, "here we go again."  We went to their house, and never left.

Here is my advice to you...make the child feel that he isnt going anywhere.  Let him get used to you and your family and house on his time.  Dont make him call you "Mommy."  If he chooses to, it will be more special for both of you.  

Allow him to say whatever it is he needs to say about his past.  Especially if he is not a baby. I think one of the mistakes my parents made is by making us feel "rescued."  As if whatever happened to us in the past didnt matter b/c being adopted meant that we were safe.

Do, at some point, tell him why you chose to adopt a child.  I dont mean to tell him "you were a special angel that came to us," but "I cant have any biological children, blah blah blah."

As an adoptee, I feel that foster and adopted children are incredibly observant.  they sometimes know things before you tell them.  The cutesy answers dont necessarily work.

I also feel that with older children, there are bound to be unresolved issues, whether the adopee knows it or not.  Abandonment and trust seem to be the biggest fears that get dealt with first.

I wondered what my nationality was.  Why my parents couldnt keep themselves together enough to have kids, do I have other siblings, things you as the parent may or may not think of.

I applaud you for being an adoptive parent.  Sometimes it can be a difficult road, but also incredibly rewarding.

My email can be accessed thru here....I would love to talk to you more about this...please drop me an email...

I hope the little bit of info I have given you has been helpful, good luck to you

Answer 3

I did have unresolved issues for awhile but those were aimed at my bio parents not my adopted parents.

Answer 4

First, it must never be a secret.  You must never try to erase the truth of the past.  I wish my parents had once in a while (maybe once every few years) told me it was OK to be curious, OK to want information....which never happened...so I felt guilty about it.

Every once in a while someone, for instance a teacher, might make a comment about how I didn´t look like my brothers...I presume they were innocent observations without realizing how intrusive the comment could be.  It helped me to have a few standard comebacks that I´d heard my parents say, such as "Oh, really?  You don´think so?"  if I didn´t feel like continuing with the conversation.    

Expect some difficulties around teen-age identity crisis time.  Although I dearly loved my adoptive parents, I said some fairly hurtful things to my mom when I was at that age.  I didn´t know it at the time, but now I know that what I wanted was for her to stand her ground, tell me she was my mom, and I was her daughter.  I´m grateful that she did.

Answer 5

As one poster suggested do it gradually. I know a couple who adopted a little girl at the time she was 15 months old and had been living with her foster family for most of her life. They went over and visited often, got to the point where they would take her out with them, visits to the zoo, park, and other family things.  Had her spend the night at the house etc. Before taking her home for good, and they are still in contact with her former foster family.

Answer 6

I was not adopted but I did work as an adoption worker for many years. In my opinion an open adoption is best if you are comfortable with that decision. It allows the birth parents to send letters or gifts once a year, visit once a year (or whatever you agree upon). You may even just be comfortable agreeing on giving your child the birth parents names if requested. Giving you child the option to know his/her birth parents is usually a good idea. He/she may not want to know them but at least they know they have some control over the situation. As for transitions....I am assuming if this child is a toddler they have already transitioned from birth parents into a foster home? Sometimes the child will be very attached to the foster family and that will be hurdle for you. Make the transition gradual, a few day visits at his/her home, then try some visits with the child at your home, then try an overnight, then gradually work up to the child being at your home full time. Its probably a good idea to keep the foster parents involved to avoid attachment issues later one (loving and leaving). The child may already have attachment issues with birth parents depending on the circumstances they were in. Try to be as understanding and flexible as you can.Best of luck to you!

Answer 7

congrats!! I'm 19 and have been adopted for almost 16 years now. Does he currently live with you? my family always told me how excited they were for me to be a part of the family and after my adoption how now no matter what happened they would always be family.

to make life easier would be I've always wanted to know what my bio parents looked like and medical records would help. let your son know that if he ever has questions you would love to answer them for him and if you don't have the answer you will get it.

i have abandonment issues, but that's from forced visitations to see my bios. Just reasure him that you love him as he ages...and expect to get, "you're not my real mom", it will hurt but understand he is hurt too.

Answer 8

Hi Alexa, congrats! I am not an adoptee, but am an adoptive mom and very involved in adoption support/reform across the triad. You are wise to look into these questions as attachment forming and resonable expectations for transition are very important in toddler adoptions.

Can you clarify the situation your child is coming from? Is it a foster home, or orphanage? The suggested resources will be slightly different based on this, as post institutionalization has it's own set of issues.

Some resources

http://www.soulofadoption.com where you can talk to adoptive parents, foster parents, adoptees, as well as firstmoms and they have some interesting articles as well

Book: "Insight Into Adoption:What Adoptive Parents Need to Know about the Fundamental Differences Between a Biological and Adopted Child and its Effect on Parenting" by Barbara Taylor Blomquist

Book: Twenty Things Adopted Kida Wished Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge

Answer 9

I am adopted. Growing up it was hard to accept and it was forced down my throat that i was adopted, and that made me feel different. I never liked seeing the adoption magazines come in the mail, going to adoption picnics. So my advice is please dont keep reminding the child. Tell him when he is young, but let him come to you with questions. Make him feel welcomed and that he does belong in your family by treating him the same as everyone else. Dont baby him. If he wants to find out about his family let him and tell him he is welcomed. good luck!

Answer 10

I'm an adoptee.  Unlike today, I was adopted in a time when all the records were closed.  I was one of the lucky few who were able to find my birth parents.  It was good on many levels and bad as well.  My adoptive mother felt betrayed - like it never occurred to her that I may have questions about where I came from and had feelings of abandonment.  I think most adoptees feel that way - it really sucked in school when we were studying genetics.  Gee, I have no idea where my blue eyes came from.  Anyway, being aware of these issues will help you.  And when your child says to you that you are their mom, and that other person is just their birth mom, believe them.  I'm 41 and my mom still thinks that I'm going to up and move to California and make my birthmom my new mom.  Geez!

Answer 11

I was adopted in a closed adoption when I was a toddler and for as long as I can remember my parents have always made sure I understood that I was special because I was adopted. As I got older they released more information to me as they felt I was able to process it. They always answered my questions very honestly. When I turned 18 they gave me all of the records they had from the adoption agency. There was a brief bio/medical history from both sides of my birth parents. My adoptive parents have always told me that if I choose to I can have my records unsealed and they will pay for me to find my bio parents. I have never had a desire to do this and I think that is largely because there is not any real mystery. Because they were so honest with me from a young age and didn't try to hide anything from me- I have not really been curious to find anything from my past. I am considering adopting in the next year and I will treat my child the same way my parents did me!