For Men who were adopted...have you searched? Why or why not?

Question

My dh is adopted with no interest in searching.. and I think he should, if only so that his mother knows that he survived childhood and is a man she could be proud of.

(I'm not talking about an aggressive search, btw... only about listing him with soundex and other free online registries, so that if she is looking, he can be found.)

Answer 1

I was adopted at 2  1/2  worked it out when i was 8-9 very bitter for yrs,but as get older you start to wonder WHY? what a hard thing (maybe) for that mother to have to do.in 1946 when i was born attitudes were so different to today,so maybe i should not have been so hard on her, and looked into the reasons and position she was in if i was u go for it.

Answer 2

I have to agree with the other two. It's great that you care, but because you don't know the situation, it can cause your relationship to be torn apart if you don't respect his wishes. You never know, the reunion may not be a happy one, and it sounds as if he's at peace being adopted and is grateful enough for his family that he doesn't feel the desire to search. If his mother wants to know his whereabouts bad enough, she can search as long as she did not do it through closed adoption agency. In that case, neither the mother nor child can be searched and found. And what heartache would that to be searching and can not find.

My feeling is like this: being a mother isn't about giving birth. Being a real mother is about raising you. Anyone can conceive and anyone can give birth, but not everyone can be called parents.

You know, googie, I know plenty men who butt into other people's privacy and don't leave well enough alone, so get into this sexist bull garbage! And not all women are the same, thank you very much!

Answer 3

I'm not an adoptee nor a man. But just so you know, about 80% of searchers are women and most of the time the search is not precipatated by unhappiness with the adoptive parents. Usually the search results from a major life event like a birth of a child, marriage, or death of an adoptive parent and usually the reason given for the search is curiosity about history (medical and heritage) and the motivation the birth mother had for giving up the child.

Answer 4

Great question.  

I've often wondered why there seem to be more female adoptees searching than male

I wonder why

Answer 5

My brother and I are both adopted.  I found my b-mom and sperm donor.  I have a great relationship with my b-mom, her sister (my aunt Gwen whom I was named after before my adoption) and two sisters.  I have never been close to my a-mom.  But I am very close to my b-mom.  We have a lot of the same traits, mannerisms, sayings, etc.  My brother on the other hand has always been close to my a-mom and dad and has never had any desire to find the birth parents.  In our case, the difference is the relationship with our adoptive parents that have driven our need to find the b-parents.

Answer 6

It is up to him. My Ex-brother-in-law was adopted and he also has no interest in finding his birth mother. As he puts it, "She didn't care enough to keep me, so she doesn't have the right to know how or who I am." I don't agree with that statement, but that is how he feels. I feel she cared enough about him to give him up to someone that could afford to give him the things that she couldn't.

Answer 7

Does dh stand for "Dear Heart "?I think you should keep your nose out of something your dh would rather leave as is. Too often the " butinski" is the one who suffers. This man did very well for himself and how do the adoptive parents react to him ? Are they proud of him? if so, That is all you need to know!!!!  MYOB!!

Answer 8

It's all up to him, not you. If he doesn't want to, don't make him. That will only put tension between the two of you.

Answer 9

I have searched, and found, my birthmother.  I've been told that it's pretty common for men to not search, or at least not search until much later in life.  I'm not sure why.  I know that I suffered anxiety about both being rejected (again?) and having my adoptive family reject me because of searching.  Neither happened, but the fear made me put it off much longer than I should have.  

I obviously can't speak for your husband.  He might really not be interested.  How would he feel about being found?  Maybe you could ask him to at least register with the ISRR, so that she could find him?  

Generally, of course, it should be up to him.  My big worry is whether he'll regret it later.  But if he won't search, you can't make him.