For adoptees who searched/reunited?

Question

Why did you do it?

What reasons led you down the path of searching and, if you have gotten that far or made the decision to, reunite?

Answer 1

There was never really a time in my life where I believed I wouldn't find her, it was always "when I found them" regardless if i was in my "I hate them for abandoning me" stage or the "i only want to find them to show them how wonderful I've become" stage, but in the end, when I found them, it was to tell them i loved them and because I just wanted to know them, and know a part of me that I was missing. It took me many years to come to that stage, but I needed them at that time.

I played the whole "i'm looking for medical information" game, but it wasn't true, i mean, i was, but I was also looking for more, I was looking for my family, and I found them. Not looking for a mommy and daddy, but my family. If that makes sense.  

Answer 2

I started looking mostly out of curiousity, but also because I had little health history.  I starting getting a little paranoid about things that I maybe should be watching out for.  I also had the paperwork to submit my name into the state's registry for about 10 years.  I kind of felt like I had alot of information that maybe she wanted to know.  And who was I to intentionally keep that from her?  Well, after I did it, I found out she registered her name when I was 18.  I "wasted" about 12 years not sending in my stuff!  I kind of just felt like I had to let her know I was doing reallly well.  Like maybe there was this woman out there struggling with her decision and I had the power to make that a little better.  I got info on my birth father from her and sent him a letter.  I never got anything back, but I'm glad I sent it.  Again, I had information that maybe he needed to hear.  I couldn't go on knowing that I knew where he was and never did anything about it.

Answer 3

Because I think it's a healthy thing to do.

I have been very lucky.  My nfamily were very welcoming.  They are very wealthy, and have been...very, very, generous to me.

Answer 4

i searched because i wanted to hear from my mother's own mouth why she gave me up. she is dead now, but i'm glad i got my answers. this is my story. I don't understand why people who feel no need to search try to make the rest of us that did feel gulity. i had a sucessful reunion, there are no regerts on both sides. i had the support of my adoptive parents. i completely understand that some search and it doesn't go well and others just don't want too. that is their choice, just like my choice was too, to be reunited.

Answer 5

It doesn't seem to work out well for people I think because they initiate search based on a lot of unrealistic wishes. I think that as we see hear more and more about reunion even fewer adoptees will consider it.

Answer 6

She was looking for me and I found an online post she had made.  I reunited with her 3 days after finding that post and moved to the town she lived in two days after meeting her. Best choice I have ever made, hands down. The healing I have experienced has truly changed my life. All the missing pieces are back in place!  

Answer 7

I think it might start out great but in the end it will lead back to how it was before...It starts out like a big celebration, years go by and suddenly things have faded & you're back to having no relationship all over again

Answer 8

My husband and friends were actually the ones who suggested it.  I hadn't ever thought it was something that could be accomplished.  I didn't know anyone who had done it.  I had my non-identifying information, as I'd gotten that 11 years previous to this time.

One day, a friend of mine brought me a newspaper article talking about a woman who reunited with her first family.  It contained the name of the man who she hired to help her.  My husband of only one month at the time thought it sounded like a good idea.  It made no sense to him that kin should be separated simply because there was an adoption.

So, I contacted the man from the newspaper article.  In under 2 hours, he had my name at birth and my first parents' full names.  Previous to that, I only had their first names.  I began the search.  It took about 6 months, as I didn't know what I was doing.  My first father has an uncommon last name, so if I knew then what I know now about searching, it would have taken about 6 minutes instead of 6 months.

Anyway, I wanted to know my whole history.  I wanted to know who raised me for the first year of my life.  I wanted to know my ancestry.  Genealogy is one of the most popular hobbies in America.  Why would it be unusual, then, that I would  have the same questions that millions of others have?

I have now been reunited with my first family for 7 years.  It's been quite lovely.  I feared we might grow apart following the initial reunion, but we have instead grown closer.  It's not at all what I expected from the impressions some people give.  I feared rejection at some point.  What I found out, though, was that he and the whole family had searched for me, too.

My first mother passed away before we could reunite, but I have a positive relationship with her step-father who raised her.  Her mother also was passed prior to the reunion.

Answer 9

My parents split and my birth father remarried and I never saw him again (I was raised by my mother and a step-father).  My natural father was killed in a car accident when he was only 29 so I never saw him again but he had two boys (my brothers) before he died.  I searched for them and found them in my forties - and I couldn't have had a more positive experience.  I'm so happy I did search for them.  I found a whole family I would have never known. As my one brother said, we may not have grown up together but we'll grow old getting to know each other now.

Answer 10

I needed to find some answers.  I needed to see someone who I was biologically related to.  I wanted to feel connected to the human race.  It filled some holes in my heart and soul.  

So far, it has been the happiest experience in my life.  

Answer 11

I just wanted to KNOW.  Once and for all.  Who was she.  Why was I placed.  What ethnicity am I?  

Everything was spur of the moment.  The day I decided to officially start my search, I joined a fabulous forum.  3 days later someone in that forum actually found my f-mom and her phone number.  I called it that day.  Started e-mailing back and forth between my f-mom.  And I met her two weeks later.

Search, Contact, and Reunion all in a matter of weeks.  I didn't really think about WHY I was doing it because it happened so fast.  I know one of the reasons why the face to face meeting happened so soon is because my boyfriend's family had recently moved up to the same town that my f-mom lived in... and we were going up to visit.

ETA:

Wow, i didn't even finish this, did i?!  It was a positive experience and i am looking forward to getting to know my younger 1/2 brother especially!

The only negative fall out thus far is my a-dad's side of the family giving me guilt trips about it and being upset by this.  But they don't understand and probably never will.

I never sought to replace them, it was more like ADDING to my family.  Unfortunately I've recently had to cut contact with my extended family on my a-dad's side (not my a-dad though!) due to their anger and lack of understanding.  I wont be made to feel guilty about discovering information about myself that others have taken advantage all of their lives without thinking twice abou it.

Answer 12

I had never even heard of anyone searching. I was on my first job and a lady who worked there attended AIE meetings in Charlotte. I began going with her. After my first child I knew I would not stop until I found them. Took me  22 years that should have never been lost. Best thing I ever did.

Answer 13

Strangely enough, it was Jpop (Japanese pop music).

It was about 3 years ago, when I was looking up information of Jpop artists. I came across some really good mp3 rotation sites (where they rotate 3-4 songs once every week or two to sample the music), and it just so happened that I came across a Cpop (Chinese pop) song in one of them.

I thought, "Heck, why not? I'll give it a try. It's a Chinese song after all."

So I started listening to it, and about halfway through the song, this thought occurred to me:

"Hey. This song is being sung in Mandarin. This is the language I would have learned. If I had not been adopted, I would be able speak and understand this language."

So I asked my mom to see my adoption files. That was the first time I actually saw my original mother and father and learned I had an elder brother. It took a few months to really sink in.

Then about a year later, I decided to try contacting them - using Babelfish to translate. Two months after I sent out that letter, I received a response back and a third-party translator was able to speak with my brother, who revealed that my original parents had been in shock for about a month or so after receiving that letter from me, although I'm guessing that the numbness factor didn't wear off for a good few months even after sending a response. They honestly had had no idea where I even was or if I was doing well.

Now that I'm in contact, my heritage matters to me more than ever.

Answer 14

I ALWAYS wanted to search.  None of the usual triggers made me finally search (getting married, having my own kids, etc.).  Frankly, I started to notice that I am getting older.  And it finally dawned on me that my bparents were even older, and they might only have a few more years left.  I figured it was simply time.  But the straw that actually broke the camel's proverbial back was an eye doctor doing a routine eye exam who thought I was just being difficult by saying I had no knowledge of my medical history.  I came out of that exam with a firm determination to never give the I'm-Adopted-Speech-for-Doctors again.  I had first contact about 2 months later.  

Even though I did not like most of what I found, I have no regrets.  And I'd do it again in a heartbeat!

Answer 15

I'm glad I did it.  I'm glad I finally know what happened.  It's like a weight was lifted the minute I learned the truth.

Maintaining a relationship with my natural family has been tricky to say the least but considering how much of a catalyst my reunion has been for my own personal growth as a human being, it's all been worth it.

I do not regret it for a minute.

Answer 16

i searched because i always 'felt' a connection to my bmom. sounds totally insane-but its true. i never harbored ill feelings toward her and knew there was a good reason i was not with her. and there was-but that is a story for another day.

i searched to find my medical background, but mostly because i knew in my heart she needed me as much as i needed her. not for mommy/daughter stuff, to have someone that understood without words, loved without conviction and connected beyond physical and mental.

i (fortunately) got that. i didnt honestly expect to find it-i was willing to take my medical and walk away, but it spiraled into something i can not explain. if ever there is a soul mate made for me-its lori.

there was never ever a question IF we would meet and reunite, it was WHEN. we fell into each others lives and never looked back. never will as far as i am concerned.

my aparents were not warm to the idea-but after years and also finding my bfather, they are truly realizing this IS NOT about them, their lack of anything. it is about me and the holes in my soul.

i am THE luckiest adoptee on the face of the planet. not only do i have bio bros and an asis that i love dearly-i HAVE ALL 4 OF MY PARENTS.

reunion was the most fulfiling thing i have ever done for myself.