For adopters: How often do you think of your child(ren)'s natural?

Question

parents? Does it ever make you sad to think that this child who has given so much joy to you has a mother out there who probably misses him/her?

Answer 1

I think about both of my children's first-mothers all of the time, especially on their birthdays, and holidays. It seems strange to me when when people have asked if I think their first-mothers ever think about them, because of course they do! It does make me sad to know that especially on special days like birthdays, when we are so happy, they must be feeling so much pain.

Because they were international adoptions, and we unfortunetly don't have any real contact with them, I suspect one of the hardest parts is not knowing how their children are doing, and what their family is like. We send pictures and letters to their files in Korea, and although we told it's unlikely they will get them, I truely hope they will, and can at least know that the boys are happy and loved, I think about that a lot. I really hope they are able to meet them again someday.

Answer 2

In our case, our son was abandoned.  I think of his bio parents often and hope that somehow and someway they know he is loved and cared for.   There isn't much more I can do since his parents are unknown.  We are trying to adopt again and hopefully this time around we will have an open or semi-open adoption....so that the bio parents can still be involved in their child's life.

Answer 3

Yes, I think of this. I adopted my foster baby 1 year ago. I have had him since he was 5 days old, and I'm the only mother he's ever known. But She carried him for 9 months & coulndn't/wouldn't get her act together even thought DCF gave her 15 months to do so. I understand her issues & addictions doesn't mean she didn't love him or want him, and I often wonder if she misses him.

Answer 4

Yes, actually I frequenly think about my children's birth parents. I never met them, and have no way of knowing who they are. (Both my kids are from China, and were abandoned as infants.)

I wish I could meet them, and I wish that I could let them know that their birth children are okay, and what great kids they are!

I hope that things will change enough to allow us to eventually find out who these birth parents are. Right now, in China it is not possible to search for birth parents. But perhaps that will change.

Answer 5

I hate to butt in with terminology, but saying "natural" parents is considered highly offensive.  It gives the impression that because the child was part of an adoption they are somehow "un"natural, or the adoptive parents are.  First Mom, or Birth Mom are the terms most prefer.

Answer 6

I am in the process of of adopting a child from a family member that has 2 kids and cannot afford a 3rd. I think all the time about the pain that she is going to be in and it breaks my heart that she has to do this, but at the same time i know that she will be okay because she know that her child will be very well taken care of. I have Lupus and i can't have children of my own and i know that she will be okay because i know that she will know that i will give my life to protect my child. that helps me when i start to feel sad for her.

Answer 7

Are you planning on adopting, Sunny, or relinquishing?!  Congratulations hon!

Answer 8

I think about my sons parents daily.. his father more than his mother only because his mother had passed away before he was placed for adoption and his father was his only parent for most of his life.

I don't share the details of my sons story, because it is his to share not mine. But he was with his natural family for 2 years and I know how loved and cherished he was and IS. I think about his dad and siblings all the time and wonder what they are thinking and doing, how they feel about their son/brother being on the other side of the world.

They should be getting their latest photo update from us next week and I wonder does it make them happy, sad, both?

I do get sad when I think about it. At the same time, this is what his father chose and I know why his father made this decision so I just do my best to honor his decision and give his son the life he wanted him to have. I do everything I can to keep their relationship strong and connected despite our geographical distance.

Answer 9

EVERY DAY!!! I do feel sad when I think about what she lost. I'm thankful that she chose us to raise him and decided against what she had already planned (a late term abortion).

I felt truely sick for months, I wanted her to be SURE and she had 18 months to change her mind. I NEEDED her to know that no matter what she decided, we would be happy and would help her if she did want to parent him. I just think that she didn't want a special needs baby. I can't judge her for that. We love him and would not have done it any different.

She had a healthy baby 20 months later and is parenting him.

Answer 10

It is very natural to think of the biological parent(s). I think of my daughters' mother almost daily. I have adopted 2 girls (sisters) and have found out that there is a new baby girl that is in foster care. I think about her every time the girls accomplish something new... holidays.... when the kids are laughing .... all the time. Even though I have been told by the new baby's social worker that she doesn't ask about them, I know she has to miss them. At least the oldest one that she had for 5 years. You have to just savor every moment with your adoptive children and be greatful that you are there to share moments with them. I take pictures of EVERY event.

Answer 11

I think of my kids parents ALL the time. I thought about them on adoption day, thinking about how their parents didn't even know that such a huge event in their life was taking place. I think about them whenever they have a great accomplishment their parents miss, when they miss holidays and first days of school, first words, smiles, even the tears and kissing the boo-boos. I think about them when their children run to me, give me big bear hugs and say "I love you mommy" because its not them and it might never be them. I think about their parents when they are in trouble too, and wonder how their other parents would've handled it. Would they approve of me? Would they approve of how I parent them?

Don't get me wrong, I love parenting my kids and I'm glad I am able to, but the unfairness and sadness of it all hits me a lot.

Answer 12

Yes; I think of my son's bio parents all the time.  I include them in my prayers because I can't imagine how they must feel.  Although our situation was a little different than some adoptions, I still recognize that there will be a day where they may regret their decision.  It saddens me to know that.  

We are blessed to have a wonderful open relationship with our son's bio-grandparents and we are very thankful for that.

Answer 13

im sure the kids miss thier real bio parents but my friend is older now he saids that he don't miss his bio parents cuz he mad that his parents gave him away to other families but again it all different story and where they come from

Answer 14

I have thought about this several times. My oldest daughter is biologically mine, as are all of my children, but my husband adopted her in 2001. Recently, her biological fathers wife has contacted me wanting my daughter to meet her father and her brother, who is almost 3. My daughter just turned 10. We are considering letting her meet her brother, whom she is interested in meeting, but for now, she has no desire to meet her father or is wife although, his wife claims he misses her, he had nothing to do with her the first 4 years of her life no matter how hard I tried. He has yet to contact me, so I feel if his wife can contact me, so can he. If he doesn't, that is on his head. What makes me sad is the fact that my daughter is on the honor roll all the time, and he has no idea what a brilliant child he gave up.

Answer 15

I think of my daughter's first mother every single day.  I actually went through a period for a couple of months after meeting her where I was consumed with thoughts of her.  I intentionally do not let it consume me, but I do think of her often, and I know for sure that she misses her daughter.  I also know for sure she could not and would not raise her daughter  . . .  so I try to let feelings of guilt go, but it IS hard to know that circumstances that led my own gain, my daughter, the person I love more in this world than any other, are a source of deep grief for someone else.      

BTW, can I ask why you use the term "adopters" instead of adoptive parents?  Are you implying that adoptive parents, the ones "parenting" their children, aren't parents?

edited to add:  Amy C - I understand the use of "natural parents"and accept it, and I know that Sunny is using it completely meaningfully, not out of thoughtlessness.  To be honest, I haven't found a term I'm really happy with to refer to my daughter's biological family members.  They all either seem offensive to her biological family or to us, her adoptive parents.  I refer to my daughter's birth mother as her Taiwan mother.  I'm assuming that Sunny is also using the word "adopters" meaningfully and am curious about the reason.

Answer 16

I think of our daughter's first mother ALL of the time and care about her deeply.  We keep in touch with her very regularly and adoption has been very bittersweet -- our adopted daughter is the light of our lives and we love her with all of our hearts, and at the same time my heart aches for the fact that it all came at a huge loss to her first mother.   We have a very close relationship with her first mother and we love and respect her so much.  We do all that we can to help her through everything that she is going through.  Sometimes it's not a lot, but we do let her still be a part of her daughter's life.  She lives 14 hours away so we don't see her often, but we will be proud one day when our daughter gets old enough and we get to take her to meet her first mother.  I truly consider her as another sister -- that's how close we are and how deep our relationship goes.  There's not a second that goes by that I don't think of her and appreciate what she did for her daughter by placing her in our family.

Answer 17

I guess I'm old, because I still refer to myself as the birthmother.

Answer 18

I think of my daughter's first parents a lot, her first mommy (that's the main term we use) especially. Sometimes I feel so very sad for her, because I have lost babies during pregnancy and I know how hard even that was for me, so I can't imagine the pain of losing a child that was born alive and that you (maybe) nutured after birth for a month or so. And I've been making a lifebook for my daughter, talking about her life before she joined our family, including her life in her mother's womb, so I'm thinking/feeling a lot about her as I write.

My thoughts and feelings are a little complicated, though, because we adopted our daughter from China. So there are so many complicated issues involved in what may have happened that resulted in my daughter's being found at about 5 weeks old at a town farmer's market. And so my feelings about her first parents are sort of mixed up with sadness for them and, I don't know, not anger exactly, but I just cannot fathom how a mother could do that. But maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was the grandparents or someone else. And no matter what, I know she must sometimes feel an aching sadness and longing to see her daughter again, like on her birthday. And maybe it would be even worse, with guilt on top of sadness. I don't know, I don't want to read things into what happened, for my daughter's sake. I don't want to tell her anything that is not true. We talk about it a lot, even though she is only 3 1/2. I want to try not to put my feelings into the mix of how my daughter feels or will feel about her first parents. But of course she will be influenced by how I am feeling and how I talk about them. So I try to err on the side of presenting them positively, and letting my daughter love them, but also making sure she knows that however she feels is okay and I will try to listen as well as I can and be there for her--whatever she feels.

I also feel very sad for my daughter's second family. She lived with a foster family from the day she was found at about 5 weeks until she was over 14 months old. I KNOW she was loved in that family. I could just tell by how she acted and how much she mourned them. And really it might well have been better for our (mutual) daughter and that family if our daughter could have stayed with them. It wasn't my doing, so I don't feel guilty about it, but I do feel so sad for that family. And especially sad for her second mommy because I have 2 pictures of our daughter with her, and know her name, so that sadness is more personal and I have something to hang it on, if that makes any sense.

Thanks for the question. I think it is really important for adoptive families to think about these things, because our children will, and if we have thought some first then it will be easier to be there for them.

Answer 19

of course i do, how could i not?  the day my daughter was born was so mixed for me.  i was so happy that this wonderful little being came into the world safe and healthy.  i knew her mother would be in pain and devastation i could never fully understand, and nor will i every try to.  i was worried if her mother would decide to parent and we'd go home without this child we'd come to love.  but i knew and understood the risks and prayed i could understand if she did choose to parent.  the mother was not cooerced, she has 3 other children living with her, and often in her last month of pregnancy was the one reassuring me that her child would come to call me mommy.  that she had her mind made up from the beggining and she'd never thought different.  when she left that hospital the next day i cried, i cried for the loss she felt, i cried because i could never understand how she felt.  i cried because we were taking our baby home.  the adoption is open.  we live in one of the few open adoption states.  and i've followed through completely with the open adoption.  phone calls, letters, pics and visits.  our daughter will know her biological family, she'll know her other mother and hopefully the relationship will continue and she'll be able to ask her questions that i do not know an honest answer to. and from the direct source.  both of her mothers have formed a friendship that is as strong as it can get in the circumstance i think.  i respect her mother for being her mother and she respects me for being a mother too.  how could i not think or talk to my daughter about someone who is the most important person in our lives.  without her we would not be the family that we are.  a very real family that happened to be made through an adoption.