For adoptive PARENTS!!! Who know tha b-mom's history?

Question

What's the story with your child's b-mom. I keep seeing people post about All these women coarsed into placing thier children because they were single and broke and just merely lack the support.

Well In our case his B-mom was an 18 year old with 1 child. She drank, Smoked weed, took RX drugs had a few STDs and knew because of all of that, he'd probably be sick (which he was). So to all of those anit-adoption people. Do you really thing she should have parented him? She didn't think so. She continplated abortion. I didn't seek her We met by chance and she saw a way to give him a chance at life.

Really how many of your childrens b-parents were unstanding people who just felt like they couldn't aford it, even with all of the governemt assistance out there?Medicaid, Food stamps, Wic, AFDC, and numerous churches who are willing to help out mothers who consider abortion are just a few.

Answer 1

My son's mother was a street worker so to speak.  She had a drug problem and has never taken care of her son.  His whole family past him around from one to the other til one aunt took him to child services he was 6 years old when my husband and I took him in.  You are fighting a never ending battle in here.  There are so many people who were adopted who are angry and believe people like us are wrong and steal children.  So I say to them find peace and move on.  We believe the way we do we chose to love a child that did not come from our body yet we are hated for it by some.  What would they want their bio-mother to do other then put them up for adoption or keep them?

Answer 2

Why is this question only for adoptive parents? Wouldn't it make sense to ask the birth moms here what kind of people WE are, and what our own stories are?

I relinquished my daughter in 2001.

I was not coerced.

I was, however, pressured and given false and incomplete information. So I made my choice based on incomplete info and with numerous people pushing me in the direction of adoption.

Now, as for what "kind" of person I am: At the time of relinquishment, I was 22 years old. I was entering my senior year of college. I had a 3.8 GPA. I had never done drugs EVER in my entire life. I did not drink. I did not smoke. I took care of myself from the moment I found out I was pregnant and got regular prenatal care. I sang to my baby in utero, poured over baby name books, talked to my baby, and tried my hardest to figure out what would be best for her.

Under pressure, I chose to relinquish her. It was, in my opinion, a mistake.

She has lovely adoptive parents and I am thrilled she has a good life. However, she could have had just as good a life with me, and neither of us would have had to endure the loss of each other.

FYI: No one would help me figure out how to navigate the social services programs (Medicaid, food stamps, blah blah blah). The adoption agency promised me they would, promised they'd help me put together a parenting plan, and then when I asked them to, they refused. As a middle class college girl with absolutely no experience in navigating the social services system, working a full time job and a part-time job AND going to school, I didn't have the time to figure it out on my own. Stupid of me? Yes. I should have persevered, should have quit working if I had to, to figure it out. I should have fought harder for a way to keep my baby. So yes, I am very much at fault for losing my daughter. But the agency is not squeaky clean, either. They lied about helping me with a parenting plan, and they lied about the after-effects of relinquishment.

Answer 3

While I respect my child's first mom and won't air her life story for public display, I will say that she was not coerced.

Answer 4

My mother was coerced.

She wanted to keep me.

Her mother wanted her to keep me.

The adoption agency took me and put me into a foster home, where I was hidden from her for 4 months while they convinced her that being 19 and single made her unfit to be a mother to me.

On top of that, they then claimed that she had "abandoned" me because I was in that foster home for 4 months.

So, yes, coercion does happen, it happened to my mother, it happens to many young mothers.

How many advertisements do you see that promote keeping mothers and children together? Just how many?  Have you ever seen even one?

Ever seen a billboard saying, there are resources available to help you keep your baby?

My guess is, no.

I know I never have.

But you sure see a lot of adoption propaganda out there.

I wonder why that is?

Have you ever though about that?

Have you?

Answer 5

My natural mother was not a flunky, drunky or junky, thanks for the assumption though.

Answer 6

My mother gave my brother up for adoption- she was only 15 at the time, and her parents forced her into it. He sought us out when he turned 18.  He has a wonderful adoptive mother, and a brother and we are all in contact and care for each other tremendously. Even though my mom did not make the choice for the adoption, my brother had a loving, financially stable, stay at home mom- and my mother went on to go to college and got married and had two more kids- me and my sister. I don't know if I would even exist if things had not gone the way they did. My brother knows and has said that he would never trade his (adoptive) mom- and that even though he loves my mom- he knows he had a much better childhood and opportunities with the family that he knows. Adoption can be a real blessing. My mother cried and said she prayed for the exact kind of mom that my brother ended up with. God worked a miracle, and now we are all one bigger, extended family!

Answer 7

i am a birth mom. i had 1 child and my hubby decided to leave for a 17 year old. guess what, we were both pregnant. i had a bad case of diabetes and couldnt work with a 1 year old and being sick constantly. and i couldnt kill my child. i keep in touch as much as im allowed. you have no right to judge. some of us did the best we could since we were young, alone and afraid. some birth mothers are as you described, others were thinking of their child.im tired of people looking down on birth mothers. without us, what would you have? An empty home without a child to love.

Answer 8

My daughter's birth mom was young and made the decision to adopt on her own. She was not a druggie and she is not cold-hearted. She made a mistake and then made a very brave decision to adopt. No one coerced her. (For those of you who don't know, proof of coercion can be grounds for the reversal of an adoption).

Anyway, she is a lovely young lady who actually chose my husband I as the adoptive parents. (This is one of the many benefits an open adoption can allow for the birth mother to be a part of the process).

She has always been in my daughter's life and loves her very much. My daughter would be loved just the same by her had she decided to parent her herself.  No, my daughter is not confused by this. She understands it and accepts it. It is HER life and normal to her.



Most birth mother's are not coerced. Some however do not receive the family support or counseling that they need at this difficult time in their life.

Obviously there are some sad adoption experiences out there for both adoptee's and b-parents but by and large the adoption process is not a shady industry as some folks want you to believe.

Answer 9

FL GAL--We got it-- your kid's mother is TRASH.  You are a hero.  She's bad, you're good.  She's poor, you have money.  He should hate her, he should love you for saving him from a crappy life in the gutter.

Adoption is simple.  People who give kids away are terrible.  AParents deserve a special place in heaven for all the paperwork you filled out, baths you gave, and all the meals you prepared.

His natural mother sucks.  You rock.

Keep tellin' yourself that.

Answer 10

Sorry, but his B-mom should have aborted him because she was a degenerate. This is not what you want to hear, but truly we don't need any more people like her walking around, and you shouldn't be hanging out with this guy.

Answer 11

Have you ever read The Girls who went Away? by Ann Fessler? I just now looked and you can get in on Amazon for under $4, it will be the most educational $4 you've ever spent, if you really believe that first parents are just a bunch of freakin losers.

Or what about Georgia Tann http://www.amazon.com/Baby-Thief-Georgia...

Answer 12

It was a while ago for me, but I was not aware of "all of the government assistance out there? Medicaid, Food stamps, WIC, AFDC and numerous churches who are willing to help out mothers who consider abortion..."  Maybe if I'd tried to get an abortion these would have been offered to me.  I was offered none of that.  I was told I was making an unselfish choice, doing the right thing etc.  In fact I was told I didn't really have any choice because it would be heartless and cruel to try to raise my baby on my own and I would certainly fail.  I was told I was brave to give up.  It didn't make any sense to me, but the message was everywhere I looked.  I've met several women who found themselves in similar straits, whose parents and community helped them "decide" to relinquish.  I've met moms who  were so estranged from their parents that they kept their babies.

I knew immediately that I would never do it again.  I would never choose that for anyone.

Answer 13

I am still waiting for a person to cite a single article, news story, or validated story about a birth mom that was coerced into adoption in the past fifteen years.  I understand that it happened years ago, that is a tragedy.  However, the adoption process today is so structured and regulated that coersion and diress are virtually impossible.  

The birthmom is required to swear on two occasions that she is not under diress or being coerced.  Any indication of this is cause for the adoption process to be stopped immediately.  

Anyone that has a RELIABLE article about an adoption that was conducted through a certified attorney/agency should do so now, or stop making these false claims!!

Answer 14

Both of my girls were adopted from foster care.  My 8-year old came to us at 4 after 2 years in care.  Her birth mother was using drugs and decided to give her two year old away to "friends" who proceeded to neglect and abuse her for months.  Her adoption was finalized on her 6th birthday in 2004.  Her birth mother has since had two more children removed from her at birth because they were born addicted.

My 15-year old was removed from her parents at 18 months old for abuse/neglect and then bounced back and forth from parent to parent to foster care and back again where she continued to be abused both in and out of the system.  She finally came to us at 13.  Her adoption was finalized in October of last year.  She has 6 or 7 biological full and half siblings scattered all over the place.

Both "parents" were given multiple opportunities to get their respective acts together and were given a mountain of resources to do so, but that was not enough for them.

Answer 15

There are many cases in which mothers truly abandon their children. In which the mothers are abusive, neglectful and cruel. In which a child is removed from the home due to that abuse or abandoned due to disinterest.

It happens way too often. However, these cases are still not the majority.

In cases of infant adoption the majority of women placing are actually over twenty and from higher socio-economic backgrounds:

http://encyclopedia.adoption.com/entry/b...

Usually these women are not drug addicted, nor on public assistance, nor indifferent about their children. In fact, quite often these are the very women who would make the most responsable parents, but are also most likely to encounter the stereotypes that:

1. Being poor is bad.

2. Being single is bad.

3. Using public assistance is distasteful.

4. Children need the kind of wealth they had growing up.

Often these women don't understand how to use public assistance, are NOT supported by their families ("according to Pelton, the women choosing adoption for their infants were "more likely to be living independently, less likely to report that the baby's father was supportive of her during pregnancy, and less likely to receive help during pregnancy from family and friends than the nonrelinquishing mother.")

Women who have support from family and friends are usually less likely to place their children for adoption.

Which proves something that means a lot to me...

The majority of these women WANT to parent their children and feel forced into placing due to circumstance.

To me, that's a sad reason to applaud adoption.

Answer 16

I hope you don't mind me answering your question. I'm an adoptee, my grandma adopted me, so I had pleanty of experience with what kind of person she was.

She's a lying, drug dealing, drug taking, alcoholic prostitute. She got pregnant with me to get her high school boyfriend to marry her. She was supposed to be on the pill, but started washing it down the sink instead. (she's told me this, not my mom). She didn't actually want me, and treated me like something you don't want - garbage. I'm fairly sure she tried to kill me. I had to have drano pumped out of my stomach as an infant.

I sometimes wonder who people think are stealing babies and forcing women to give them up too.

Answer 17

You named one, Allison Quets.  Jamie Keifer is another.  Let see what about the fathers.  Rashad Head, Cody O'Dea, Brynden Ayre, Joseph Simmerson,  Shawn McDonald are a few.  Read the NATURAL parent blogs.  Look at why the Guatamala adoption market is being shut down by the State Department.  Coercion exists.  Look at many other countries where it is ILLEGAL for a woman to be pregnant.  Research it.  It is out there.