For all foster parents - I ran into his mommy!?

Question

I was grocery shopping yesterday and ran into mommy! The relinquishment / TPR was just completed in January so it's still kind of new. This woman doesn't live / work anywhere around me! I was kind of "freaked out" as it was unusual to see her in "our part of town". Is there anyway I can find out if she has moved...I wouldn't put it past her to follow me home one day and just snatch him up and take off with him! He wouldn't think anything of it as he is old enough to know "mommy" and is old enough to play outside by himself.

He does understand that he can't see mommy anymore, but what would this do to him if she were to just pull up in the front of the house and just "talk to him"?

She did get the "inital idea" of what area we lived in as she fought to be there for his first day of school...which we were totally against just for this reason. We really didn't want her to know anything about where we lived / area of town...etc!

Answer 1

Call DHS! They need to know this is happening. I have been in similar situations. I worked in foster care in northern Maine....there are only so many malls and grocery stores there, that this was always a concern. I depends on the reliability that she knows the terms of her TPR, and respects them. Believe it or not I have worked with some parents that actually will turn around and walk away, but not all of them.

It's possible the little one will have to move placements for his own sake/safety. If you are thinking of adopting him.... I'd suggest thinking of moving. I don't know what your town is like but here you can run into parents, Grandparents, Aunt, neighbors, etc.... just about anywhere around here. If there are any other elementary schools in your town, request special permission to move him to that school as she knows where he is when your not there to protect him. What did she do when she saw you, did she seem genuinely surprised or do you think she planned it? Did you leave before or after her? I hope after.....so following you wouldn't be an issue.

Is he old enough to get that "mommy can't take care of him or keep him safe"? Does he know safety rules about leaving your yard with anyone but you?

Oh my; I feel your angst and worry. Be strong but be in contact with your department or the agency your licensed through.

edit: note I sent to jgf via email-

Just because a mother wants to see her child, does not give her the right! She forfited or lost her rights to do that already. It is a selfish and hurtful act toward the child who can' not regulate his own emotions yet. (yet again, proof she sucked as a mother!) And preludes to the fact that she still thinks that she was taking good care of him, and possibly is looking to abduct him.

This poor woman was looking for some advice about a serious issue with Foster Care. Shame on you for supporting a mother who endangered her child and not supporting the mother who is now taking loving care of the child! If you have nothing to say don't say anything.

Laurie: she didn't answer the question either!

Answer 2

call your social worker and tell them what happened.  and let them handle it and get a restraining order

Answer 3

definitely contact your SW.  

I'm with Mom re: JFG....for some reason, she doesn't understand that foster care means Moms have tried and for whatever reason have endangered this child to the point that her rights were terminated.  as she said "get over yourself"  It's amazing how people are jumping out to protect/defend jfg...sad is a better word.  No matter what they say or do, their cronies will always defend them no matter how wrong they are; however, if someone on the other side of the issue were to say something like that, they would be reported so fast, your head would spin.  JFG is indefensible.  As one poster pointed out, she has a history of slamming AP's so this is nothing new.

Answer 4

I know it might be annoying, but the child is probably safer in the back yard anyway.  Still - it is a pain.  You didn't say how old your child was, but I'm assuming somewhere between 7 and 10 based on context.  

I know that I intend for my son to be able to walk to school on his own probably after the first few months of Kindergarden.  (Just a note to anyone who wants to act shocked - I can practically see the school from my front door. - He only has to cross the street RIGHT in front of our house where I can see, walk down one house lenght to the corner, turn it, walk down two house lengths, cross the street and he's at the school - a grand total of MAYBE 300 meters)  It would seriously annoy me if he had to be totally coddled just to keep him from being kidnapped.  (Not that I have to worry about that - his father won't even call him to prove he's REAL).  

I would definitely make sure there is a legal restraining order in place, however.  That way if she shows up at the school (or God forbid, tries to get a JOB there) or is driving up and down your street, you can get her arrested right away without having to pandy around with whether or not it's a threat.  

I fully respect the fact that, even if she was a terrible mother, she may still miss her son.  Perhaps if she proves trusth worthy enough, she can arrange to get pictures or letters through the social worker.  However, her son MUST be protected until he's of age.  If she really REALLY wants to make ammends, then what she should be doing is straitening up her life so that when he turns 18, they can form a more stable relationship as adults.  If she's unwilling to do that, it only proves all the more that she's a danger to him.  

Good luck.  Just keep reminding him that people in the world love him, and that if he can't live with Mommy anymore.  It's not an easy thing for kids to understand - even those who have been abused.  It seems that children are like puppies - the more you kick them, the more they worship you and hunger for your affection.  All you can do is try to make sure that doesn't end up destroying the precious child in yoru charge.

Answer 5

As a foster parent, you really should be very concious of his surroundings. You do whatever is necessary to protect that child. If the person he needs to be protected from is his mother, as the courts have seen her not fit to be a parent or raise her child, then thats exactly what you do.

Yes sometimes it's an inconvience, but the child is your first priority. Other foster parents, and woman escaping an abusive partner do it everyday, so much so that it becomes second nature.

There's ways you can do it so that the child is still allowed to live and have a normal happy childhood. If that means your child can't play in the front yard alone, so be it. You do anything and everything needed to protect him.

Answer 6

Oh God... I know how you feel.  My worse fear is of my step-sons mom just showing up out of nowhere.  I would say do what the CW said and stay out there with him.  It sounds like she wants to be involved so she might get custody back eventually.  Maybe you should talk to him and let him know in some way about going off without telling you even if it is with his mom.  Good Luck

Answer 7

Definitely inform the social worker that is working with you on his case, and I'm sure they'll look into seeing if she has in fact moved or worse- is stalking you/the child.

Until this issue is resolved try and keep more of an eye on him just in case.

Answer 8

My advice would just be to talk to the caseworker, and you've done that.  Also, you might want to put together a safety plan with your foster son in case something does happen.

Also, in defense of jgf, she actually is NOT unsupportive of adoptive parents in ALL cases.  When adoption is done right, and for the right reasons, with the child's interests put first, before the desires of the parents and other adults, she is actually very supportive.  I know this is a shock.  But at any rate, she did not suggest that the mom was safe, nor did she suggest that the child go back to mom.  She simply stated that it's not a big ol' flaming shock that a mother would want to see her child.  Just because a mom might not be capable of taking care of a child, doesn't mean her maternal feelings will disappear.  The number one concern in this case (in all cases) should be the safety and well being of the child (Foster Mom, it sounds like that IS your concern - this is not directed at you), and not the intentions of the mother.

Answer 9

When we were foster parents, the child's parents usually were invited into our home, so they would know where we live.  This is just something to report to your worker and go on with business as usual.

Answer 10

I have absolutely no idea what the history is on this one in terms of the reasons for relinquishment/TPR, but it sounds like the caseworker has already been contacted.

I DO simply want to ask that people stop bashing jgflee, since she didn't actually make the suggestions some are stating she made.  Here's why:

jgflee did NOT suggest that the mother SHOULD see the child, nor did she suggest that it would be safe to have that happen.  She simply made an off hand comment that it's no surprising that a mother would have a desire to do so.  There are several posters who have consistently suggested that such a desire may not be there simply because an adoption has occurred.  THAT is the point from which jgflee is coming in her statement.

Once again, jglee did NOT suggest that the mother is a safe person nor did she suggest that the mother SHOULD have contact with the child -- simply that she finds is normal that the mother would have the desire.

ETA:   Pirate Girls Kick Butt,

  Yeah, no kidding she didn't answer the question.  I never suggested she did.  That's why I stated that she made an "off hand comment."

Answer 11

This can be very dramatic for the child, if he starts seeing his mom again he will think she is in charge and not you, what i would do is contact your worker and see if the mother actually moved or if she is following you. If you feel uncomfortable you can be able to file a restraining order against her, and if she approaches your house she will be arrested. BUT DON'T LET THE KID SEE HER BE ARRESTED. That will be way to much stress for the kid no matter how old, and he will start to have attachment issues   Good Luck, and Happy Late Easter!!.

Answer 12

I would call and make sure his caseworker is informed about the contact, if the TPR is done was there also an order of "No Contact?"

The Caseworker should be able to help you the most--as the CW will know the who to contact about mom...  If she has an order of no contact then she has violated it...

But, then again yesterday was Easter and for all we know she was visiting her family or friends in the area and went to the store?

Edit: Actually most children in Foster Care with parent who have been TPR by the state also have a "No Contact" order already in place so a restraining order should not need to be taken as the court has already issued it.

ETA: That is one of the big problems with any of these types of orders the paper is great but in life there is cautions that needs to be taken.