For all the people that HATE adoption, Would you rather have had your mother to pick abortion? ?

Question

Phil M. ~ i have seen you on here for a while and you always end your posts with

"Living life as an adoptee one day at a time"

You're a grown man now right? Seriously, you act like you're battling alcohol. You're grown now. It's Over. You're not a kid. Aren't you being a little dramatic?

Answer 1

Relinquishment to adoption can only happen after a birth.  Abortion can only happen prior to a birth.  Because they can only occur at different times, one is not the opposing choice to the other.  The opposite of abortion is carrying to term.  The flip-side of relinquishment is parenting.

This is also a moot question because if I had been aborted, I'd be dead and it wouldn't matter.  Further, ANY pregnant person can choose to abort.  If they don't, whether or not they choose to relinquish or parent has nothing to do with the choice to not abort.  It's a separate issue and decision.

Answer 2

The OTHER option is to CHANGE adoption policies to protect adoptees.

This was a mean-spirited question and shame on you for intentionally triggering the people in this forum.

The sad thing is that yes, a lot of adoptees would've rather been abortions.  I'm getting really sick of people like you on their soap boxes preaching about how I should be so happy I wasn't aborted or thrown in a dumpster.

As a part of THIS society, it IS your responsibility to take care of the other members of your society.  What you're doing here is yammering on about how AP's need more respect and birth mothers are irresponsible blah blah blah.  How it's not YOUR job to participate in society's DUTY to take care of one another.  How completely inhuman!

What you're failing to see here is that it's NOT about the adoptive parents.  It's not even about the first mothers who choose (withOUT coercion!!!) to give up their child.  It's about the CHILD.  The ADOPTEE.  The only one that doesn't have a CHOICE!  Those programs for foster kids are FOR THE KIDS.  The ones that didn't do anything wrong.

Unless you think poverty and bad judgment are genetic.  In which case I can't see why adoptive parents would want to adopt at all!

Oh wait, I forgot.  You're not even a member of the triad, so you have no clue what you're talking about.

PHIL M - I'm with you... An adult adoptee taking life one day at a time.  Currently struggling through reunion as well as hostility in my family for said reunion.  I don't think you're being dramatic at all.  He may be an adult BUT IT'S NOT SOMETHING THAT JUST DISAPPEARS WHEN YOU TURN 18.  

Independent - Sometimes I disagree with you, but this is not one of those cases.  It IS society's responsibility to take care of abandoned and mistreated children... (But of course, miss thang thinks that giving a few cents each year means that she has the right to be condescending and a know-it-all)

As for the AP's who are attacked.  I do agree that there are times when some of you don't deserve it.  But the PAP's that want to adopt a charity case DO deserve it.  To those of you that admit that you have infertility problems and are adopting just because you want a baby, I commend you for being honest and forthright and not trying to play the martyr role.  To the AP's that ask for adoptee advice and experiences to better deal with your adopted child's issues either currently or in the future, I APPLAUD you and your efforts to understand.  There should be more like you out there.

What about the adoptees who have been physically abused, emotionally abused, sexually abused?  What about the adoptees that have been traumatized by AP's who don't want to talk about it.  What about the adoptees who have been made to feel guilty or even disowned just because they wanted to find their first family?  What about all of the AP's and PAP's attacking THEM?  Saying that they should just shut up because they 'can't be talked out of their silly and self-indulgent dillusions?'  

Like I said, the other option is NOT banning adoption... but REFORMING adoption.  Changing the policies to protect ALL THREE sections of the triad.  (Yes, even the AP's do need protection in some cases.)  Making the laws more situation-specific.  Detailed laws that spell out to a T what to do and what not to do.  Reform that gives adult adoptees a right to their OBC should they decide they want it.  Policies concerning open adoptions.  That sort of thing.

Am I clear enough?

Answer 3

Jesus, you should feel lucky YOU weren't aborted.

I know the rest of us don't.

Go rot under a bridge.

Answer 4

Although I know this question comes across as hurtful and offensive, especially to adoptees, I have seen responses on this site telling women who were considering adoption that if they don't want to parent then they should have an abortion rather then considering adoption. (and then get several "thumbs up") Perhaps this was a poorly worded response to that?

I have heard over the years, several people say that they wish they were never born or that their mom would have just had an abortion. (The majority of these were not adoptees) I think most of them didn't really mean it but were simply angry and frustrated with how their rough life as a child, still affected their adult life.

Answer 5

The only information that I have heard about my bmother is that she was abused by her father because she got pregnant to the point that she AND my bgrandmother had to move to a shelter for abused women.  If my never having existed would mean that she could have been without this pain, I would rather her have chosen abortion.  

Answer 6

Yes, I would rather have been aborted -- as my SECOND choice.

First choice -- parented by my natural mother.

Second choice -- aborted.

Third choice -- parented by my natural father, grandparents, aunt, uncle, other NATURAL relative.

Fourth choice -- homeless.

NEVER my choice -- adopted (as in, raised by strangers).

(With my apologies to the aps here who are doing their best to understand and parent their kids with respect.  I had to say it, it's true.  It's my truth.)

Unfortunately, my mother never considered abortion (mostly because it was not yet legal under Roe v. Wade) but also because she just would never accept that it could be a right choice -- even now she feels that way.  She actually RAN AWAY and HID from her father (my natural grandfather) who was a prominent and well-respected doctor because she was afraid he would 'force' her to have an abortion or 'cause' her to have an abortion -- medically, using trickery.  She only came home after it was known (obvious) that she was pregnant with me because she knew her father was too concerned/consumed with his public (social) and medical reputation to cause an abortion when it was not socially or medically 'acceptable' as an option.  Shortly before my mother became pregnant with me, he had joined -- and forced her to join -- a religion that forbids abortion.  His image was too important to risk 'shaming' himself in front of his new, religious 'friends'.  (Not to mention he could probably have lost his medical license, as abortion was still against the law.)

ETA:  Hey!  Inde -- I take offense (*wink*) at your negative use of the term zombie!  Zombies can't help it -- they're undead!  Their lurching, groaning, dead-eyed existence is SOMEONE ELSE'S fault...remember?

Proud Bride of the TubeZombie (BOTZ)

Answer 7

My roommate doesn't hate adoption.  She was even abused by her adoptive mother.

Answer 8

What a pathetic but typical question of a pro life zombie hoping to adopt because the feel they need children.

Adoption is alternative to parenting not abortion!

Get over yourselves.  If you believe that their is a correlation between abortion and adoption why are thousands of girls everyday having abortions.

Abortion is an alternative carrying a fetus to full term and raising a child yourself.

I think a better question to ask is would you have rather seen society help your mother so she could raise you or society give her no other option but to place you up for adoption to strangers.

ETA: Wow, are your hormones raging. Just imagine someone trying to hustle you for your baby right now. Nice huh.

I'm not saying tax payers like myself pay more taxes but to use the current taxes going into the system to be redistributed toward welfare and better programs instead of warfare and useless organizations like NASA.

Get over yourself.

Answer 9

I find this question to be a low blow and insulting.  This article can explain it better than i ever could.

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_fa...

ETA:  Funny you are asking about HATE!  After your hateful response to Sunny.  She has more class, compassion, and maturity in her little finger than you do in your whole being obviously.

Answer 10

Have you had a massage lately?  I think it would do you a world of good.

Your question:

1) I wish my mother raised me.

2)I wish my bio family had raised me

3) I wish the former cluster of cells that was once me had been swept away--yes.

Answer 11

[So since APs are so horrible, greedy, & selfish and adoption is the worst thing ever and should be banned. What's the other option?]

Okay, if I get this straight, there are NEVER EVER any other alternatives other than adoption or abortion?

Ever?

As in, a child should be adopted or aborted just because their mother feels she isn't able to raise them?

d**n it, you have a narrow-minded opinion.

Adoption is never "over." It can last a lifetime. Of course, this ranges from adoptee to adoptee, and I realize that. But saying "get over it"?

If a relative of yours died tomorrow morning and you got new relative, would that second relative replace the one who had died? If you were sad about your original relative dying, would you want someone to tell you to "get over it", there are other people in your life now?

Answer 12

Abortion wasn't an option for my mother, parenting was.

http://antiadoption.wordpress.com/2008/0...

Answer 13

there you go. how did you like your first answer? there are so many more stories like that. sad, sad stories of kids NEVER EVER being adopted. was that your story? were you never adopted? brought up in foster care? why dont you think twice before you post a question like that?

Answer 14

I had a rough life too and so did my brother, but the way I look at it is there is a reason for me being on this earth and even if I weren't adopted I would still want to be here b/c there is a reason for me and there has been from conception. Some people struggle with it more than others I think you just have to realize your here for a reason and grow stronger with the things you went through and to make a chioce to go on no matter what has happened to you. Also if you were aborted there would have never been a road for you. I think some people shouldnt worry about how someone else handles their situation b/c we have no idea what they have been through. I just hope people will grow stronger from it.

Answer 15

Actually, little miss smarty pants, after giving me up for adoption, my mother DID go on to have a few abortions, because she could NEVER go through with giving birth to, and then giving away, another child again.

So really, is adoption all that wunnerful?  Apparently it wasn't for my mother, and my younger siblings who got sucked down a sink.

Thanks, adoption.

Answer 16

Great question

I think that because they were not raise by women who were not ready to be parents, they wish that adoption were outlawed and the childhood they imagine with the mother who could not raise them would have happened.

I'm not trying to be unkind when I suggest counseling to these people. They really need it and it would help them look at adoption and their families in a healthier way. If they were really adopted. I think a few are radical birth mothers posing as adoptees.

Answer 17

Normally I don't get involved in this question, because I was not adopted.

But one thing pissed me off was this comment:  "There is Plenty of Government help, women and children's shelters."   PLENTY?

Do you know that there is more money spent on animals in shelters than on foster kids in the US Foster Care system.  You think that is PLENTY?  These kids DID NOT CHOOSE to be in the system and they should NOT be punished for the errors of their bio-parents.

The truth is there is NOT ENOUGH money for kids.  Foster parents get paid ~$250-$600 a month to take care of a child.  That is like less than $10 a day in some cases.

Also, the system gives them Medicaid.  Guess how many doctors and therapists and dentists take Medicaid?  Not too many, because the reimbursement rate is so horrible...so TONS of kids that need mental health care never get it.

And guess what?  These kids grow up in a system where there is NOT ENOUGH and then they continue in the system as adults...in prison, homeless, pregnant moms on the street, etc.  ... taking more of your tax dollars.

Help the kids early on and you BEAT the cycle.  Any kid that grew up the first 4-5-6 years of their life being beaten and raped deserves FAR MORE than "your tax dollars."  When a child is put into foster care, it is really bad.  They are not there because mom and dad just wanted to be free of a kid.  Those kids have suffered incredible obstacles in their young lives.

God, help those that keep thinking that all their tax money is enough to take care of the children.  You are so wrong.  It is a DROP IN THE ******* BUCKET.

And instead of saying that it is not "society's responsibility", why not step up and say it is a HUMAN'S responsibility to CARE ABOUT OTHERS. ~ especially children, who are so innocent and powerless.

Answer 18

I am an AP of two former foster children.

I am understand your frustration with extremist views, however, your question is not appropriate and neither are your responses to those who responded, especially to Phil M.

I hope that know one EVER speaks to my son the way you just did to an adoptee.

Every Adoptee has their right to feel anyway they want. Adoptees are stripped of their pasts, stripped of their mothers and fathers. If that is not a childhood trauma then I don't know what it is.

I was sexually abused as small child. I live each day as an adult one day at a time dealing with the fall out of the abuse I suffered. SHould I just "get over it'? Am I being "overdramatic"?

Pain is pain. Trauma is trauma. What gives you the right to judge someone elses experience? I pray to God that my son and daughter are shielded from people who are so angry and judgmental.

As an A-parent, I implore you not to speak on my behalf, and I certianly do not need someone to stand up for me who just simply has no compassion or empathy.

By-the-way, who are you in the triad anyway? adoptee? Ap?

ETA: Ah I just saw from another question that you are a PAP. Dear Lord, Please do not make these same statements to your potential adopted child when they are grown. You need to read some books on grieving. Also, you should probably show this question and answers to your adoption social worker...perhaps she would be interested to see your attitude.

Answer 19

This question has been asked  so many times.  

You know adoptees were not the only products of unplanned pregnancies in the world.  I think half the people I know were unplanned pregnancies.  So, why isn't this a relevant a question to ask everyone?  Have you asked yourself this question?  Do you ask your friends "hey, aren't you glad you weren't aborted?"  

I "could" have been hit by a car this morning, "could have", but I don't go around saying "wow, I'm so glad I wasn't killed today."  

Can you see how insensitive this question is?  Of course, I wouldn't want to be aborted, what about you ?

Answer 20

Here we go again. Another poster telling me i should be lucky i wasn't aborted. Wow! For those of you who say you are sick of being attacked sure know how to insult others.

Just so you know wanting adoption reforms does not make one anti-adoption. I for one have stated that reforms are needed to protect adoptive parents, because i feel they are charged too much money to adopt. I also think reforms are needed in international adoption because in the news recently there have been reports of shady adoption agencies in this countries.

Do i agree with you about the insults? yes, but it goes both ways. You have insulted several adoptees in your question, yet you get upset when the accuse.  

Answer 21

What - are you 16??

Seriously - grow up - and grow some compassion.

Your question is ignorant - at best - and your further insults to Phil show just how immature you really are.

Well done you for keeping up the ridiculous stereotypes of adoptee misconceptions in this place.

Answer 22

Sola,

I am utterly shocked that you would be so insensitive. I am beginning to think you are a troll...didn't you ask and later remove your question about if minorities count as 'special needs' so you could receive more money?

I sincerely hope you are just completely clueless and not this evil in real life. Obviously, no one has ever harmed you in any way and you have never in your entire life ever had to deal with something traumatic or life changing. If you had, you would understand where Phil and everyone else is coming from. I am NOT adopted, but my mom died when I was 15. It has completely changed my life. She wasn't there when I needed her, she couldn't be there when I walked down the aisle, when I met my husband, when I got my first job, when I brought home our child, each and every day of my life. With adoption, that starts long before 15 in most cases. Every single day, wondering, waiting, not fitting in, seeing other kids with their parents and knowing that will never be you. h**l, I am a completely grown woman who cries @ 3-4 times per year over the mother I lost 15 years ago....it still hurts. It still matters. I can't even begin to comprehend why you would attack someone in such a calous way.

Answer 23

God yes, it would have been a much easier road for me. We are all gonna die someday....at least I wouldn't have had to go through the abuse and addiction and living on the street before I did it.

Answer 24

Adoption and Abortion are two very separate things.   That occur at two separate times

An abortion is done before a fetus could even be considered human.  It doesn't have values, it doesn't have feelings besides very rudimentary pain.

Adoption is done after the baby is born, where it now a beginning human.

So the answer is if my Mom picked abortion, than I wouldn't be here to be able to write if I care or not.  If you are asking if I would rather be alive and dead, the answer is alive, but a few week old fetus has no notion of alive or dead, so the question doesn't make sense.

I'll also add this bit to the mess  - The Christian Church didn't care about abortions up until microscopes were invented.  Than someone thought they saw a fully formed little man and all of sudden, abortion was bad.

Answer 25

Do you ask biological children this?  

How about women who were raped?  Do you ask them if they wish they had been killed instead of left alive?

How about children who are physically abused?  

Can you be a more insensitive person?

ETA:  I see that you CAN be more insensitive.  Congrats.

Adoption is not an event.  It's a process.  It's an ongoing fact of my life.  I'm reminded, every day, by little things and big things, that I'm adopted.  Every time I go to the doctor/dentist/etc.(until a year ago), and I have to shrug my shoulders about my family history.  Every time someone talks about their heritage.  Every time I hear from my first mom and am reminded of the decades we spent apart.

It's not over for me.  It will never be OVER for me.  If you cannot understand that one simple fact, you will NEVER understand adoption.

Answer 26

Oh do shut up!

Would you ask this of anyone other than adoptees

Way to go perpetuating the stigmatization of adopted persons.

Answer 27

I don't hate my adoption; actually, my adoption turned out remarkably well for me.  

What I find amazing is that for my bparents, my adoption was an event.  I presume that an abortion would have been more or less the same for them.  However, for me, my adoption is a life-long journey.  I'm hoping to live to a ripe old age.

What is your relation to adoption?  When you so adamantly claim that the child(ren) you bring into this world are your responsibility...isn't that another way of saying that parents who give their children away are not as good as you?  My tax dollars also go to the support of all sorts of programs that I vehemently reject as wrong...that is just part of being a citizen.  

Answer 28

I think most would have had their parents to have chosen to PARENT.