For anyone familiar with "domestic discipline"...?

Question

I have a very scary situation in my life right now with my sister. Technically she is my foster sister---I was in the "system" off an on as a kid, from 9 to 11 and from 15-18. Anyway, I'm 28 now, she is 31. She got married when she was 20, then got divorced at 24 and remarried her current husband 4 years ago. They are into domestic discipline. She and her ex-husband delved a little bit into the BDSM realm, but it was all for fun and according to her, it never went beyond very mild. She knew what "domestic discipline" was but her and her ex had never practiced it. He (her ex) was way too easy-going and had no desire to control or order anyone around. We were friends in high school, so I knew him well.

I had never of it (domestic discipline), but she "sort of" explained it to me a year ago when she went with my kids and me to the lake and I saw a welt on her thigh. She told me that he had never left a mark on her before, that the welt was a total accident. It seems kind of creepy to me, even the so-called mild "discipline" I've read about. Anyway, I've tried to get her to see that it's not healthy (in play is one thing, but not for real life), but she was not really interested in listening. So I left her alone about it, since that was the only time I saw a mark on her and he didn't seem--up until then--like the controlling type.

Fast forward to last week---we went to the lake again and it was pretty hot. We were there about 3 hours, in shorts and bathing suit tops. We put sunscreen on my kids but then ran out and didn't have enough for ourselves. Needless to say, we both went home with sunburn. It wasn't horrible, but definitely really red.. I saw her two days later and noticed that she was walking really stiff. I thought maybe hers was just worse than mine, but it was pretty much gone on her face already. I gave her a hug and she jumped and then started crying. She wouldn't tell me what was wrong at first, then she finally said that he had told her a hundred times to make sure that she had enough sunscreen when we went to the lake. She'd gotten sunburnt a couple of times before and he had told her it better not happen again. Then she lifted up her shirt. Her back was still burnt and there were welts! I didn't ask for details, I don't want to know. I told her that she needs to leave and she said she just can't, that she loves him, and no way is she going through another divorce. And now, she's not returning my calls. I am so disgusted with the whole concept that it is okay for a man to "discipline'" his wife in anyway, much less physically.

I'm glad that my sister doesn't have kids, but in a way, at least if she did I could call CPS and have them at least check on the house. I don't get this--why would anyone allow this? And why would a man want to hurt or cause pain to someone he "supposedly" loves?

Answer 1

I have heard about it on YA before only, not in real life so I know what your talking about.  I personally think the only reason anyone would allow this was because the husband or wife thought it was kinky but read a few people post about it being their way of life.  Oh well different strokes for different folks.  It's her life if that's what she wants there's not much you can do.  Btw he sounds more like a s****t.    

Answer 2

i have never heard of this but i would think the second one person is just going along  because they love the other it becomes domestic abuse!!!! she is not into this or at least not to this extent  so she is just going along he is a abuser and you need to keep talking to her about it. he will try to keep her away from any one who knows so she feels she has no where to go let her know you are there for her and confront him to let him know that this is wrong.

Answer 3

I'm not sure about your sister's exact relationship with her husband but it does sound a lot like the degree of punishment I might receive my last marriage.  As is often said about spanking a child spanking your wife has a line between necessary discipline & abuse.  Is sounds like he beat her back.  That isn't a spanking in pretty much anyone's book. Welts on your bottom will not damage internal organs.  On the back they could.

I have had my ex do that in addition to a spanking & it really did seem more like I was being an outlet for anger than being disciplined.

Does this mean I'm against Domestic Discipline?  No.  Definitely not.  I'm married again & I not only shared with my hubby not long after we got serious that I have always been spanked but also that I realize that for me it's a good thing.  Unlike my ex though he will not spank me if he is too mad to control his anger & he has so far never left any welts & will not use a switch at all.  I still have a couple of scars from being switched nearly ten years ago.  He hadn't had a wife tell him this in just this way but I could tell he agreed it could be good & started exercising that soon after that point when I had disobeyed him.

I was raised to believe that spankings were done in love & in both of the relationships mostly they have been just as the ones I received as a girl.  Most definitely I feel that way with all of the ones I have earned over these past two years.

Answer 4

This is domestic violence, not discipline.  I could understand her being trapped if she had children and nowhere to go, but she could walk out anytime.  I don't understand anyone staying in a situation like this.  There's not too much you can do if she refuses to leave him, just be there for her.

Answer 5

What you are referring to is not "domestic discipline".

Domestic discipline is far more controlled, and it involves consequences (usually physical) for a wife's deliberate disobedience or other failings and inadequacies.

What is happening to your sister, though, is abuse. There is absolutely nothing in the theory behind domestic discipline that would justify welt marks across a sunburnt back. That is outright cruelty.

I think your sister's husband is using the mask of 'domestic discipline' to justify abusive behaviour. Your sister needs to understand that what is happening to her is domestic violence. She will be scared, but she's also going to be feeling very embarrassed and humiliated that something she once espoused and justified has gone so horribly wrong. Just a friendly word of warning ... if you keep on telling her how disgusted you are by it, she's going to clam up and hide it. Please don't get frustrated and angry with her for this - she's doing it tough and needs your love and support and patience more than I think you can even imagine. I know it's hard, but you will have to hold back on the judgement a bit. She will feel very trapped. Thank God she doesn't have kids.

There is no justification for what this man is doing to your sister. But you will have to be careful about how you broach it with her. You need to win her trust before you can get her out of that situation.

Best Wishes.