For everyone who's involved with reunion?

Question

How has being in reunion affected your loved ones? There seems to be so little support for non-triad members...our spouses, siblings, etc. when it comes to reuniting with our bio-parents, children, etc.

Has this been a problem in your relationships, and how have you overcome it? Or has it gone well? Has your family been able to accept your new-found bio-relative into the family?

(Sorry to not be able to "focus" this question onto one specific detail, lol)

Answer 1

My husband was actually the one who suggested and kept me going through my search.  He's not adopted, nor is he an AP or a parent who relinquished, but he just felt I should know my kin.

So, it has gone quite well in my family to have reunion.

Answer 2

You know, it has been pretty smooth, for the most part. My parents were so supportive that it just wasn't an issue - helped me search, brought my bmom into their home, etc. etc. Spouse is supportive (although I have some b family members neither of us like so we tend to avoid them) and most of us get along.

The only problems come up with extended bfamily members, because they want more time than I can give to any extended family members, because we have a lot of immediate family and kids. Of course, that also applies to regular family members, so it isn't really an adoption thing so much as a big family thing.

Answer 3

I am still yet to so will let you know what happens.  :)

Answer 4

My kids and inlaws were thrilled when I found my natural family (after 20 years of searching). My husband didnt understand the whole emotional aspect of it but was glad I found support online. Adoption doesnt only affect the adoptee, the children of adoptees are also affected because they are missing half of their heritage too. My asiblings were happy for me and now my asis is searching.

Answer 5

SO.. this is where it gets complicated!

There are three or four adoption reunions in our family, depending on whether you count my son's open adoption.

My MIL is completely happy for her husband to have found his birth family, loves them to death, but is terribly upset that her children (2 of 3 are adopted) searched or are searching for birth family.

My hubby was completely supportive of my search for my birthmom, and her husband was supportive of her search for me.  My half sibs are dealing pretty well with it all now, but my sister didn't take it well at first.  She was only fourteen when we found each other.

My adoptive family refuses to talk about it.  period.

My SIL found her birthfamily, but it was not a pretty picture.  Her birthmom had been searching since she relinquished, and committed suicide about six months before my SIL started her search.

And NOBODY is happy about the open adoption, except for hubby, myself, my son and his mom.

The hardest part about being in reunion, is balancing all the feelings and especially the holidays.

Answer 6

Great question.

Oh - the tentacles of adoption reach far and wide!!!

My adoptive family have been OK - but don't want to get into specifics - like to keep it all on the surface. (my a-parents have passed away - but my sibs are their bio kids)

My husband has been wonderful - but he has had a very confusing time. He tries so hard to 'get it' - but unless you're personally involved - it's just too hard. Some days I think he wishes that it can all be over now - but it is never over - there are always triggers. He's also very protective - and doesn't want me to be hurt. He's very glad that I've found support from other adoptees and first parents.

My kids all know about me finding my bio family - and have been excited - but as they are still quite young - they understand it at their individual age levels. When I was sad on first finding out that my mother rejected my requests for contact - my youngest said - "That's sad. Just call her up Mummy - she's your Mummy!"

Oh - if life were only that simple!!

My eldest - almost 12 - feels anger at times - for what adoption has meant to me - and to her. She is starting to really 'get it'.

Friends and in-laws have been very supportive - but they're some what removed from what it really all means.

Ultimately - people just want to hear that it all worked out fine - and when it doesn't - they find it very hard to grasp the emotions & reasons behind what has gone wrong.

Answer 7

My friends were very happy that I had found my bmom. I was too until I met her. Ends up it was a very good decision for her to give me up! I haven't told my parents though. I already know my mom would be super mad and my dad would be sort of OK with it but not 100% happy. I can't tell one and not the other so I've never told either. I wish I could though. I want to thank them for the wonderful life they gave me! They have no idea that they are the best thing that happened to me and I am so greatful.

Answer 8

Actually husband was on an extended assignment out of the country while I was in search/initial reunion.  So, I did it all by myself.  I did tell him the basics, but communication logistics were complicated and we didn't have much time for chatting.  My kids knew that I was talking on the phone with someone exceptional...but I did not go into details of exactly who bdad was.  They were still very young, and I did not want to explain that parents can and do give away their children.

Answer 9

When my birth son found me, it was with the loving support of his adoptive parents and family, as well as the family he has of his own.  My own husband and other children (young adults all, now) were happy for me because I was happy.  My *kids* have all become friends now, and I have two more grandchildren I can love.  I've been very lucky in my case!

Answer 10

To continue Rachael's story. My husband was fine with me meeting Raechel, my kids too. But when it came to meeting my old love (rachaels father) it was a little different. He was concerned. He doesn't understand how you can have a good relationship with someone you are no longer with. I had to really do some explaining on that one. I refused to say that I did not love him any more, because it would have been a lie, BUT my love for him has changed. I have 2 boys by another man as well and i have a great relationship with their father. My husband thought that would end when my kids became 18. This all had to come out in the open so my husband could feel secure with letting me go to see

Raechaels father. All my relationships end in friendship, my husbands have not. This was our obsticle. He's fine now. He knows my boys father, has for 11 years, and is okay with that relationship, he knows I love that man and always will as my friend. He has talked to raechels father on the phone and we are all supposed to get together this summer.

Answer 11

oh, great question.

my aparents were not receptive AT ALL. i think they were threatened, like i was trying to replace them. it has been 8 years since i found lori, and they still havent met her. they are coming around, my sister (who was all for it i might add) is making some scrapbooks for my bparents, my mom told her where to find more pictures and other things. they are finally coming around.

my husband was 100% behind me when i found lori, in fact he made the first phone call. just in case she had changed her mind about meeting me, that way i would put her on the spot and hurt either of us by having to have the 'im sorry but...' conversation.

but when i found my bfather, he was not very excited. i was so surprised by his reaction. he actually told me he was against me meeting him. i, of course flew off the handle. but what he meant was he was scared for me. he was afraid this man would hurt me and he would be left to help nurse my broken heart. he couldnt stand the idea of someone having the potential to inflicting that much pain on me.

why my bfather was more of a threat than lori is beyond me.

he has since come around and is anxious to meet him.

you are right, anyone outside the tirad really doesnt 'get it'

they want to and try, but in the end, they just cant grasp the whole idea. its not their fault, its like explaining how to  rebuilding a motor to me, you can explain all you want, im still gonna walk away scratching my head.