For moms of more than one kid...?

Question

I have 2 boys (2 and 13 months) and they're eachother's best friends and worst enemies at times. In the last month or so, they're starting to get more and more rough with eachother (which I know is to be expected). Occasionally, we run into issues where one hurts the other. Although I know it's not intentional or malicious, the behavior still can't go unpunished. So my question is... if one kid hurts the other- what do you do first? Comfort the injured one or punish the brute?

Since my boys are both still young, I know that punishment needs to happen right after the incident in order for them to understand why they're being punished. But at the same time, I don't want to leave a kid who was just pushed off the laundry basket into the wall on the floor crying. If I comfort the hurt one, the injurer gets a few minutes to wander off and forget what's going on....know what I mean?

So what do you mommies do?

If daddy's home, this situation is easily resolved. Daddy lays down the iron fist and mommy provides the snuggles. But when it's just me or him home, it presents a predicament.

Answer 1

I have two three year old boys.  What I do in a situation like this is immediately grab and hug the hurt one and say "oh, you poor thing" and while I am holding him I tell the other one to go to time out.  While he is sitting in time out I make sure I am within eyesight and earshot and comfort the hurt child - let me see where he bit/hit/pushed you, are you ok, do you need a band aid - and as soon as time out is over I let both of them go back about their business.

You kind of have to play it by ear and each situation is different.  For a two year old child discipline must be immediately after the bad behavior or he won't associate the time out/punishment/discipline with the undesirable behavior.  

Good luck.

Answer 2

Tend to the hurt, because this could be an emergency,  one first and make a BIG deal to the other one about how he hurt his brother at the same time.  Then go for the punishment.  And as of what type of punishment...that depends on you.  But remember the key here is to get your other child to understand that it is wrong to hurt other people and why.  So spanking will not help the problem.

Answer 3

I actually heard somewhere that in a situation like this you absolutely go to the victim first, then deal with the troublemaker. For one thing, sometimes kids look for attention, whether positive or negative - hurting their brother is a way of getting attention, but if you go automatically to the one hurt, they see they are not getting the attention. With my son (who is 4, and a daughter 1), I tell him to sit down in a firm voice, which he will do while I comfort his sister. Then I deal with him on a time out or whatever.  I also do sometimes wait it out and see if they can deal with it on their own, which they sometimes do. It's hilarious actually to see my 1 year old learning to defend herself already!  

Answer 4

There is no easy answer.  I have 4, 3 of which are of the running around age.  I tend to pick up the injured and scold/punish the perpetrator at the same time.  If I had to choose one, I'd help the injured before punishing the other one.

Answer 5

With kids that young, they usually are violent to get attention for themselves.  Quickly sit the one that is hurting the other in a chair, say "We don't hit/bite/etc." and then go and comfort the other.  Offer him a freezie/popsicle for his "booboo", give him lots of hugs and kisses, basically shower him with attention.

By taking the attention that the child doing the hitting/biting/etc. away from him and giving it to the other child, they quickly learn that violence never has a positive outcome.

It's important that you are consistant with this even when your husband is home so that the kids understand that you are serious about this.

Answer 6

LOL I have the SAME problem!! My boys are 16 months apart, and ROUGH! I have a 3 yr old and 21 month old. I usually do the disciplining first, and hugs after that. Unless there is blood! Actually, my 3 yr old was climbing on the baby gate and it fell onto the baby, and I punished him for it. Turns out, the baby had a broken leg!! I was too busy yelling at him for climbing the gate to see how bad the baby was injured! But we just try and use our judgement on each situation. It's certainly hard. But there are times when the baby is crying and I say to the 3 yr old that he "has a boo boo because you hurt him. That wasn't nice"...or something, so he knows that he did something wrong to his brother. That way you're kind of killing two birds with one stone. Comforting and disciplining.  

Answer 7

If it is malicious (as a recent nosebleed was) I will take the instigator over to the victim and put the victim on my knee while I tell the instigator that the behaviour was not nice and what they did hurt their brother/sister. Then the instigator has to say sorry and join me in giving the victim lots of love and cuddles. This works well for everyone. Don't feel guilty if the victim has to cry for a few seconds while you get the instigator!

My kids resolve 90% of disagrements by themselves because I try to ignore negative behaviour as much as possible.  

Answer 8

I also have two boys. They are 2 and 3 years old. They too have their "boys will be boys" fights. What works for me is I send the one doing wrong into the time out while holding the injured one. My kids both know where the corner is and when I send them there, they know I mean business. Good luck!

Answer 9

ok I'm kinda there...I have 2 daughters 4 and 14 months and another daughter due at the end of this month so its chaos around here sometimes! For example:when my 4 yr old gets too rough with her little sister and ends up hurting her,I console my youngest and while I hold her for a second so she can calm down I also punish my oldest by placing her in a time out,or a spank,and also during the punishment she is immediately told WHY she is getting punished. Sometimes its an accident tho because both my girls get really rough and I have to watch closely to what happens so I don't punish one for something that was not done purposely. Also I've learned that we mommies can not always rely on dad to be there to lay the iron fist down...I was like that at first until it got out of hand and now its mom who has the iron fist and dad is not so intimidating anymore.

So all in all pick up the injured and while you are holding the injured make sure the injurer doesn't get far and is punished right away.Simultaneously give out loves,and discipline.

Best of Luck...it can get rough sometimes