For mothers who have lost a a child to adoption did you or are you receiving any post placement support?

Question

1) When did you place your child?

2) Did you go through an agency or was the adoption private?

3) If you went through an agency what is the name of the agency?

4) Were you offered support after placing your child?

5) What kind of support after placement did you get or are you getting? Family/friends/professional/etc.

6) If you were offered support through the agency was it helpful? Are you looking for other types of support, such as online groups, or groups in your community, or other professional support?

Add any details you want. I'm just curious because I see a number of younger mothers here that are searching for support which leads me to believe that they are either not getting counseling, or that the counseling is not meeting their needs. I doubt agency counseling would amount to anything more than brainwashing anyway, but I'm curious if "adoption is different today" as so many people claim.

Answer 1

First of all, I didn't "lose" a child, I relinquished him.  

1.  Long ago, 1967.

2-3.  Children's Home Society

4.  None, nada, zilch, zero from the agency.  

5.  Family and friends were supportive, but not overtly.  My family pretty much didn't talk about it.  

6.  I received no agency support.  The only time I went to a support group was after I was reunited with my son.  

I'm hoping that adoption is different today.  In those days it was secretive and shameful.  I wish I had had some kind of post-adoption counseling.

Answer 2

1)

Date of birth, November 29, 1994

Date of relinquishment, September 17, 1997

Date of adoption, unknown

2)

Agency

3)

Alberta Family and Social Services

4)

Birth Mother support group through a private agency.

5)

None, there are very few people who specialize in adoption related issues and since my adoption issues are so vast I have been unable to even touch on them in general therapy.

6)

The support group was awful. All fluffy bunnies and sunshine. It was just more coercion with nobody able to bring real issues into the conversation, anyone who tried was met with a sharp turn back to the fluffy bunnies and sunshine.

I will heal when I am able to look into my lost son's eyes, for better or worse I need closure. Every story has an end and without an end to the story of my family being torn apart I can not heal. Even if he wants no contact I still need that closure, to know if he is alive or dead, to see him one last time, to end the tale the same way it started, with me gazing into the most beautiful eyes ever created.

Answer 3

First of all, I didn't place a child but adopted a child...but I can tell you the help that our son's birthmother got when she had to give him up....

1) 1990

2) Idaho Youth Ranch Adoptions

3) They gave her 3-4 months one on one with a psychologist in private practice.

4) She didn't have any family support (one of the reasons she felt the need to give him up...the agency social workers supported her and even do as of today, and she had the psychologists help for, I believe 4 months after the baby was born.

6) We have received many letters from her and her daughter (16 months older than our son) and it seems as if it has helped.  Although, I will say once again....it will live with her forever...  bittersweet I call it.  She knows he is healthy, happy...but she wasn't able to be there.  That is the bitter part.

Answer 4

1. I relinquished my daughter in 2001

.

2. I went through an agency.

3. The agency I went through is Bethany Christian Services.

4. The "birthparent counselor" called me a couple times post-placement to check on me. I ignored her at the time, couldn't stand to revisit the experience, just wanted to crawl into my denial hole and pretend like everything was fine. It took three and half years for me to actually seek out counseling to deal with all of it. So my support never came from the agency. My support came from/comes from a fabulous psychologist, some wonderful group therapists, a good psychiatrist, my parents, my sister, my husband, some other first mom (birth mom) friends, a few adoptive mom friends, an adoptee friend, and adoption forums.

5. I was told I could have lifetime post-placement counseling. Three years after the adoption, when I finally came out of denial and actually needed the counseling, I was told they can't possibly give every first mom post-placement counseling! They'd be swamped! They'd give me one session and then refer me.

6. Nope, the agency was never helpful. Nor could they have been. The so-called "birth parent counselors" tend to be young women with bachelor's degrees--not trained and not equipped to handle women dealing with post-traumatic stress, ambiguous loss, marital problems, a shaky sense of identity, hopelessness, depression, and suicidality.

Honestly, having thought about all this for a while, I think it's ludicrous for agencies to even offer post-placement support. I didn't get post-placement support from my agency, but that was a blessing... because what it actually took to help me start healing were several doctororate-level psychologists specifically trained in trauma and depression therapy. No bachelors-level social worker has the proper training for that.

Answer 5

1969, private, no support except pretend like it never happened-keep it secret even from other family members, I don't beleive it is any different today except the liars package

Answer 6

1.I gave birth in 1972

2. Children's Home Society.

3. We were counceled on how to give your child up, not how to keep her. I did not have any good support from anyone. My boyfriend and I were totally sacred, his parents didn't want a scandal. My mom was no help. We were told if we decided to keep her, we would have to pay all the money back for doctors and hospital time. The counseling we received was as I said on how to give your baby up, I don't think these guys knew what they were doing, I was a mess and nobody noticed. I lived my life in shame and guilt until I found my daughter in 2001. She was 29 1/2 and wondered why I looked. She was never far from my mind and I cried too many birthdays. I'm glad I found her and so is she. I am not her mother, she has a mother, but i am her friend. I had no idea how or where to find her but then in 2001, my sister found a search angel, and 2 weeks and 40.00 later, I had a name. I wrote a letter to her and she responded. My mom was happy but my husband's parents were not (oh ya I married my boyfriend in 1973). How would they ever tell anyone, oh my gosh, the scandal. It's a decision I would not wish on anyone, a decision i should never have had to make. Personally I wish I'd never heard of the adoption process and I think adoption should only be for orphans and special circumstances. But, that is my opinion.

Answer 7

1) 2004

2) agency

4) yes

5) professional

6) still seeing a therapist 3+ years later

I know of a firstmom who placed her son in May and her counseling was done in July.  Not enough time in my opinion.

Answer 8

1. she was born in 1996.

2. private, through "friends".

3. n/a

4. no support at all. i got counseling on my own.

5. none, except through this forum.

6. when i was looking for support, i was shunned. catholic charities was the worst. they said they had a support group, but no one ever showed up on the nights they were supposed to have it. it was a wild goose chase.

i am looking for support. some of the ones i've been directed to require membership fees, which if i had at the time, i would gladly pay, because i want them to be able to have funds so they can reform adoption, and help other moms.

adoption is different today in that they promise "open" adoption and claim you have rights. the agencies will even direct you to what they claim are state sites, which say that first moms have legal rights, but when i called the number, they said it wasn't true. they said anyone can put anything up on the internet and make it look true.

i don't understand why it isn't considered a breech of oral contract when AP's do this. it would hold up in other situations legally.

now instead of simply stealing the baby from the first mom, as they did a few decades ago, it's more advanced terrorism. they brainwash the victim and make hollow promises and then the snatch the baby.

no matter how it's done, in the end you leave the woman devasted and damaged.

Answer 9

"lost my child" ?  hee hee..that just sounds funny.  Like I left him in a laundromat or something.

I GAVE my son up for adoption.  He was/is a GIFT.  I lived at Gladney in the late 80's.  I had a really good experience but then, I was always sure of what I was doing.  I'm adopted and I know the joy of adoption and what good it does for all involved as long as there is no coercion or underhanded tactics (which I know happens).  Linda was my couselor at Gladney and she was wonderful