For parents of adopted children and people who are adopted... Do you feel its best...?

Question

for the child to know they are adopted from birth (for example when we picked you up from the hospital instead of when you were in mommies tummy) or to tell them when they are older (if so what age and why), or not at all.

I'm not a parent or child of adoption, I am just curious on the input of those who do have experience with adoption. I will admit that to me adoption is so amazing and wonderful that it facinates me.

Thanks!!

Answer 1

I was adopted and my sister and I were told from the beginning.  We celebrated our adoption day as our THRILL DAY.  It was like another birthday.  We felt very special and wanted.  I think it can be done in such a way as to make the child feel so special and wanted.

Answer 2

I was adopted when I was 2.  I don't remember a time that I didn't know.  Absolutely no professional with his/her weight is salt would ever suggest waiting or not telling one's child s/he is adopted.  

Adoption is only possible because a loss has occurred.  That loss is not simply wiped away just because an adoption takes place.  Adopted people experience this to varying degrees in varying ways.  Some don't experience the feelings of loss, while others experience it deeply.  One of the feelings common for those who experience the loss is difficulty with trust.  Imagine having difficulty with trust and then having your adoption hidden from you?  

Many late discovery adoptees experience anger toward their families.  There is absolutely no reason to not be honest from the very start.  My adoptive parents were always very open and honest with me about my adoption and I'm very glad they were.

Answer 3

Your comment that adoption fascinates you scares me, for my granddaughter and other adoptees.  Adoption is not a freak show event to be stared at or examined by the general public.

Answer 4

I was adopted as an infant and my mother told me I was adopted from a young age. She didn't make a huge deal of it, but would answer questions without making me feel guilty. My adoption was closed and I have not searched, but my mother raised me to respect my birth mother's decision. There are now children's books that deal with adoption. Jamie Lee Curtis wrote one "Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born" that deals with a child adopted as an infant. I think tools like this can help a child to understand.

I am so glad my mother was open about my adoption. It would have been difficult to find out about it at a later age. Hope this answers you question!

Answer 5

I have always known - my parents told me they started talking about it before I was a year old, so I never had one of those horrible *finding out* moments. It was never a deal with me, probably because it was never a deal with my parents - we talked about it quite naturally. We didn't celebrate my arrival day because I arrived right after I was born, but we talked about my bparents on my birthdays and I always thought of them with fondness.

Answer 6

Our baby girl who is 2 last Tuesday we adopted 1yr 10 mths 22 days ago she is my wife's cousin and I was nerves about it .our adoption is a open one ,that lets it to be more open between her birth mother and us if her birth mother decides she would like to see her .we have gone to family doings and have taken pictures with our babies biological mother and grandparent because some where down the line we will tell her and we plan to have as much info and pictures as possible . The reason we got her is her mother could not support them . But I'll tell you this she is my daughter in every way that my older daughter is and I LOVE them the same .Our two other children see her as their sister and they are 11 and 7.

Answer 7

All of the adopted people I know were always told the truth except for one. My mother's cousin who found out at the age of 17 and had some very bad years following the news.

Not only do I feel it is better for the adopted person to know this as a matter of fact, but also the children of adopted people should know it as a matter of fact as well.

As much as I believe it should be a known fact--it should also not be something that is used to identify a person. So often news articles or in social situation I have heard families defined by the biological and adoptive status.

Answer 8

My children were adopted at ages 5 and 10, so obviously it was no secret!  Plus, we have different ethnic backgrounds.  

We talk about the story of how we came to adopt them, just like any other family story we would share.  We also encourage them to tell us stories of their time before being adopted.  

It is my opinion that kids should just grow up with those stories, so it is never a defining moment of Being Told.  Keeping adoption a secret is never a good idea.

Don't feel bad about asking questions about adoption.  We learn by asking questions and there's nothing wrong with being curious.

Answer 9

I was adopted I knew when I was like 4. My adoptive mother always told everyone I was hers. They could never understand because she was really old and i was young. But I did know. My real family was on drugs bad. My adoptive mother kept all that stuff away from me, secluded from everyone and everything that had to do with that life. I am better because of it, if it wasn't for her, i would of ended up like all of them. Even though I was adopted, she made me feel like i was truly hers even though i was not her blood. I love her with all my heart and thank her for saving my life.

Answer 10

Biological or adopted, secrets hurt.

I never plan to keep anything surrounding my sons birth a secret. I'll share different things at different stages.

He's 2 and my daughter (bio) is 3. She is also facinated with how he came to be with us. She understands that he didn't live in my belly like she did, and becuase him and his first mommy were sick, she decided it was best for him to live with us. I'm sure a lot of what he'll learn will come from his older sis. She thinks she's got it figured out and he follows every word she says.

Right now he doesn't even know about bellies and babies. So I have about a year to learn what to say and what to avoid. Before coming here, I thought I had it all figured out, but nothing is simple, and saying or doing the wrong thing, can really hurt or help him.

Answer 11

When I was 10(27 now) we adopted a boy from NorthKorea(8) sadly he only lived with us for 8 years...Then his parents got a hold of him again...I was heart-brokened...Cried for months. Its like losing your brother...Its good to have an adopted kid(especially the one from a poor country)...Now i am happy because we get yearly visit...I am planning to go visit him after I get my master's this year. But the NorthKorean govt does not like visitor so we have to deal with the government first. This is my story. Hope this tell you something.

Answer 12

A child should never, ever have questions about whether or not they were adopted.  In other words, they should know the truth from the very beginning.

Answer 13

I was told from when my adoptive family fostered me that my adoptive mother wasn't my tummy mummy, that a nice lady was. I knew all along that my adoptive mother wasn't my birth mother, and I was told relatiely young, at age seven, because my adoptive family wanted to make sure I realised it. Aged five, when I was adopted, they had an adoption party for me, celebrating my adoption. Then I went up the next day at school to get a birthday award because it was my adopted day as well :P The teacher wanted to kill me. Then, when adoptive mother explained it, she was absolutely horrified :P That's my experiance, and it worked out really well, because the were honest from the beginning. Honesty works.

Answer 14

I was adopted and so was my brother (Not biological brother)  My parents were always honest with us.  They have biological children also and I never felt like I was any different.  It's better in a way, they didn't have to be my parents, they "Chose" to be.  Why would you want to keep that from a child.

Children aren't going to understand it at a young age.  I told a 9 year old boy that I was adopted and he told me that he was "Born".  So, I say just keep it open and when they are ready they will ask what adopted means.

Answer 15

I do believe it is best for the child to know they are adopted from birth. I am an adopted child and have known about it since I was able to talk. Telling them when they are older could cause emotional and sometimes mental damage. For example, if an 18 year old was told that he was adopted from birth, nothing would really affect him. However, if he was unaware and was told many years later, he would have even more question into his birthparents. The longer you wait to tell your child, the harder they will take it. After creating a lasting emotional bond with his/her parents, the child may ultimately feel that they have spent their life with strangers because they always knew them as "mom and dad" and they never suspected they had another "mom and dad" somewhere in the world.

Answer 16

to me i  have never read such a silly statement adoption is amazing and wonderful...to who...wasnt to me...i bet if you did a poll on adoptions in general in the united states on adoptions done from the 30's to the early 1980's most would tell you they did not have great adoptions...to some people like me it wouldnt have mattered had i known from the time i was old enough to understand or not..i didnt look anything like my adopted parents..im a very fair red/blonde green eyed person..my adopted mother is part indian...and my adopted dad was just as dark..it wouldnt have taken an rocket scientist to figure that one out

Answer 17

From the moment our daughter came home at 4 wks she was told she was adopted.  I had made a scrabook of her journey thru her first mothers tummy.  To the adoption agency, to foster care, and our adoption ceremony with our first mother.  She didn't get it all at once but it was a building block.  Tapestry books offers some many books for adopted children.  I think i bought almost everyone.  We have saved all of her letters from her first mother and all the pictures sent.  All of it is there for her to view at anytime.

She gets the gist of it at almost 10.  No secrets works the best for this family.

Answer 18

I adopted my son when he was 2-1/2. He had been in foster care since he was born. I have always been open with him about his adoption because I didn't want any secrets or resentment later in his life. He occasionally asks questions (the most recent was, "Are my people dead?", to which I answered, "No, they're alive" and that seemed to settle the question) and I occasionally bring up the subject of his first mother -- just so he knows it's OK to talk and think about her. It used to bother me a LOT, but I knew it was what was best for my son. Now it doesn't bother me at all and I find myself talking about his first family more often.

Answer 19

I think you should start telling a child that he/she is adopted the very day you bring them home.  If you're talking to an infant, all the better...you'll have years of practicing the story before the child can actually understand it.  I think keeping the adoption a secret, waiting until the child is "ready" to hear about it, feeds into the belief that adoption is a shameful topic.

Answer 20

I was adopted and am plannning to adopt out my third child. I think its a wonderful way of showing love and kindness to the child. You are doing what is best for them.

Answer 21

I am both an adoptee and an adoptive parent- and I think that the child who is adopted should be told immediately-  I don't remember not knowing that I was adopted, and we told our children that they were adopted before they even could grasp the meaning entirely.  Why do I feel this way?  For me, if I had been told later in life, I would have felt like my adoptive parents were not really happy with the thought- and that it was something to hide.  I know of a couple of adoptees that did not find out until they were adults and this has affected them - not for the good.

Answer 22

i was adopted as an infant. i have know all my life. there was never a day they sat me down and told me the news. i just always knew.

in my opinion that is best. they grow up knowing that is part of them, even if they dont fully understand what that means. as they get older they will ask more questions. and soon they will have a grasp on what the word adoption is.

in my personal experience, it worked out well. i just cant imagine living my life and all of a sudden one day you get the bombshell that family you knew was not the only one you had. that you had people you were related to out there floating around somewhere.

growing up is so diffcult on its own. being different makes it harder, but to suddenly find out you are a totally different genetic make up, well that just seems to me to be too much.

in cognito says it all in her first sentence, biological or adopted, secrets hurt.

Answer 23

I was adopted. In my opinion it's best to tell the child the truth from day one. That way, it never comes as a shock. My parents told me about my adoption from way before I could understand it. I just feel like I always knew. I just can't imagine being 10 or 12 and having a bomb like that dropped on you. I also don't think they should never tell them. The child is bound to find out by family members talking, medical problems, blood type, birth certificate, no newborn pictures or something. Can you imagine being an adult and finding out that your parents had lied to you all this time? That would be life changing, really.

Answer 24

It is really important to tell kids right from the beginning that they are adopted, but in words they can understand.  (I love Jamie Lee Curtis' book Tell Me Again About the Night I was Born)

In this way, children will always be able to go to their parents and ask questions and have their feelings heard.  (Just like about everything else in parenting.)

By not telling them, there is a secret in the family, and if you have ever tried to keep something from someone, the relationship is strained, or different.  This can translate into an uncomfortable feeling about "This is why they don't love me, I'm adopted" when the truth about adoption comes out, and it will.  

Better tell the truth and keep building on it bit by bit than hide and lose a child's trust.

Answer 25

Both me and my adoptive brother always knew that we were adopted and why it was never kept from us and i don't believe it should be kept from the child.I have a cousin who also was adopted and her parents had a natural son who was much younger,she was never told that she wasn't their biological child and so you can imagine how she felt when ,at an age when she should have only been thinking about her teenage years and what she could do ,she came across the adoption papers that her parents had kept it did cause a rift within her family and also carried on to others who her mother,at first,believed to be the people or person who told her.I don't believe that this should have happened and certainly wouldn't have if they had been open in the beginning

Answer 26

I have adopted 2 children. I have to say it was the happiest days of my life. Both my daughter and my son were 3 months old when they came to live with me. I have to say I loved them right from the moment they were placed in my arms. They are my babies.Right from the start I told them they were adopted, I bought a story book for small children that really helped. They grew to understand. I believe its better to be totally honest so they dont have any surprises when they are older, or hear it from someone else.I wanted them to understand it was a good thing their biologial mother had done and that it was an unshelfish act on her part, that she was thinking of them. Its funny I dont even think of them as being adopted and they forget too unless we get talking about it. My children are now adults raising there own children. I have always assured them that if the time comes when they want to know where they came from I would always support them and help them in anyway. At this point in time neither of them are interested in doing that. My children didnt grow under my heart but they sure grew in my heart.

Answer 27

I always knew, and I feel very strongly that that's the way to go.  If a'parents keep secrets, they risk the child's thinking there is something shameful about being adopted.  Also, the child will find out somehow, and will then feel betrayed by the very people s/he loves and trusts the most.