For parents who have adopted a child - we are considering adopting down the road - have some questions...?

Question

Hi there everyone! My husband and I have one two children of our own already (a 2 year old and I'm pregnant with our second). We have always wanted 3 kids, but my body absolutely can't handle being pregnant a third time (when I was pregnant with my 2 year old, I was in the hospital 6 times, and this time around it's been worse). We have been taling about adopting a newborn down the road a few years, but we'd like to find out a little more about it. We would probably do a U.S. adoption (we live in the U.S.), and it would be adopting a newborn. A few questions are 1.) how hard is it to adopt a baby? 2.) how much does it cost (our medical bills from my previous pregnancy totaled around $7,000, so would the cost be comparable to that?). 3.) Your own personal experiences with adopting. Thanks a bunch! God bless!

Answer 1

Start getting your home study done soon.  Once that is done, you can start to get your profiles out to birth moms.  

Costs vary depending upon several factors.  Our infant adoption was very fast and relatively free of complications, and it cost more than $25,000.  The more complications you encounter, the more it will cost.

Answer 2

I'm 32 and I was adopted through a county agency.  My parents waited 5 years for me (a newborn) on a waiting list.  It was worth it though.  I know they had to have some classes prior to, and maybe a home check (not sure though).  A bit thing that I would make sure of though is that you are honest with your child and tell them as they grow up they are adopted, and tell them if they are ever interested in finding their birth parents (have to wait until 18) you will help.  I was told about my being adopted from since I can remember, and always had an interest in my birth parents, even though I know my real parents are my mom and dad.  They would show me the paperwork from the agency, including a letter from my birth mom  Once I turned 18, my parents called the agency and put me on a list to talk to a social worker (they were so behind they said it would be a year before they could even get to my case).  Sure enough, about 10 months later they sent me the paperwork to sign and notarize to send back in just to open my file.  A few weeks after that the agency called and they had found my birth mom, and from there it was my decision on who calls who, if and where to meet, etc (the adopted child has the rights).  The night before we met it was hard, I cried because I kinda felt like I was "betraying" my parents, but then I realized who my real parents are, and that I was just expanding my family.  That was over 10 years ago, and to this day I still have a relationship with my birth mom, email, she visits my family once a year or so, etc. and it's nice.  On the other hand, my cousin was adopted and her parents never told her, they pretended they actually had her.  It was hard on her when she found out the truth in her teens.  Don't do that to your child.  Anyway, not sure of the cost and all, but the world needs more people like you who are willing to adopt.  Not to mention, better safe than sorry with your body...I know how you feel, my second one was tough, but we got prego a third time on three forms of bc, and that one almost killed me between the gestatinal diabetes, toxemia, etc.  I wish you luck with your soon to be baby and any future ones you may have.

Answer 3

With all due respect, many people probably won't tell you this, but adopting to "complete the dream of that child you always wanted" isn't really the best reason to plan an adoption.

Adoptees come with extra "needs" we have first families that many of us want to have in our lives, and that creates alot of conflict when our aparents don't or didn't expect us to care about our first families that we were born to.

Separation from our mothers and all we know, can be very tramatic for a child of any age, especially a newborn and this can cause alot of attachment issues. We need parents that can be extra sensitive to this, and care about whats really best for us, not just completing their family by adoption because their body couldn't handle another pregnancy.

If your body can't handle another pregnancy, maybe you shouldn't have another child, through pregnancy OR adoption....maybe someone from "above" is trying to tell you something.

IF however you're willing to look at adoption for what it really is, then i suggest reading some books like "journey of the adopted self" by betty jean lifton "primal wounds" nancy verrier "twenty things I wish my adoptive parents knew"

these will give you a TASTE of what its like being an adoptee.

read adoptee blogs, alot of them, not just the sugar coated ones which are easy for someone wanting to adopt to get sucked into, but read them ALL. Don't be narrow minded and expect to hear things you've never heard about adoption before. REALLY REALLY educate yourself.

imagine, could one of your children really just have been put into another family and had everything be okay mentally with that? do you think they'd feel different? feel out of place? miss you, their mother? have the same likes as genetic strangers?

just really really open your mind.

Answer 4

I am sorry about what you are going through....

My husband and I have two adopted children.  We use an agency called Family To Family Adoptions Inc.  They are in Richmond Texas...our daughter was 22 hours old when we met her, and we left the hospital when she was 48 hours old.  Our son was 6 days old when he left the hospital (he had jaundice pretty bad.)

The ladies at Fam2Fam were great and when we adopt again we will use them.

We have looked into adopting by other means (private adoption through lawyers, adoption facilitators, and more) and we would not leave the adoption agency.  All other means cost us alot of money an many heartaches!  Using the adoption facilitator (someone who wants the money up front, you sign a time contract and if you don't have a baby in that time you loose your money, but get a discounted rate for the next contract!)  we were matched with 22 children in one year and something happened to every single one of the "matches".  I would say that is more than "bad luck" as we were told.

Adopting a baby doesn't have to be hard, but it is emotional.  It all depends on if you are wanting a certain race, and how critical you are of birthmother and things of that sort.  We said we were willing to adopt a baby of any race, but we wanted a generally healthy child.  With Family to Family it is pretty smooth.

Cost wise, it cost us $17000 plus about $800 in adoption finalization lawyer fees.  You aren't going to get much cheaper than that.  Sure, there are ways, but I wouldn't trust them.  Don't pay any money up front...application fees are very normal, but no more than $500!

Good luck, may the rest of your pregnancy go well.

Answer 5

Adoption is an awesome thing.  There are so many wonderful beautiful children needing homes!  I wish you the best.  I am a mommy that adopted and don't regret it one bit!!!!

Answer 6

The best route in the US is through private adoption, but it is FAR more costly than the $7000 you mentioned, more in the $20 to 30 thousand dollar range.  But, trust me, it is not just for wealthy people.  We took a 2nd mortgage out to fund our adoption.  You can do it if you are highly motivated. Do not let anyone tell you that adoption in the US is too risky. If it is done properly, i.e. do NOT take the baby home until BOTH birth parents have signed a final consent.  Certain states make it safe while others are risky.  The states where you take the baby the day it is born are usually the ones where you run the risk of a birth parent changing their minds.  Get a REALLY good adoption attorney  and make sure everything is done right.  We adopted from the Midwest (we live in the northeast) and we had to wait a few weeks to bring our baby home, but it was worth the wait to know that no one could ever take him away.  

Some states allow you to pay the birthmother's expenses. Others do not.  You want to be really careful about this as it can make a difference of thousands of dollars.  And if you are only open to a healthy infant, be sure to say so.  (there is nothing wrong with feeling that way.  My feeling was we were spending our life's savings to adopt and to take on the added financial burdens of a handicapped child was not something we were willing to do.)

We had only positive experiences adopting here and from China (we have 3 children, all adopted.)  You have to be strong and patient. Think of all the paperwork as the "pregnancy and labor."   To sum up in response to your questions, how hard is it? It is not hard. It is costly and takes time, but it is soooo worth it.  Who can put a price on that baby in your arms?  The cost?  Much higher than giving birth if you are looking for a healthy newborn.  

Enjoy your toddler and new baby.  You will know when the time is right to add to your family.  Meanwhile, try networking with people.  Find names of people who have adopted, get the names of their attorneys and agencies.  Keep a file and think of it as an amazing challenge.  Best of luck to you and your family!

Answer 7

We have an adoption forum at our site.

The ladies would love to help you out.  Join us.

Answer 8

It can be difficult to adopt..but it doesn't have to be (you would want to work with an agency or attorney).  I think adopting here in the US privately will cost you more than your previous pregnancy expenses, but there is a tax credit available from the feds and from some states.  Go to http://www.irs.gov and look up "adoption tax credit" for more information.

My personal experience with adoption was this: we had two bio sons & adopted two daughters (who were bio sisters to each other) internationally who were 7 & 10 at the time.  Our experience has been positive -- not perfect by any means, but positive nonetheless.

You should consider adopting from foster care and possibly adopting an older child.  People have many misconceptions about adopting from the foster system, look into it & see if you are holding on to some of them yourself.  The next time we adopt, it will likely be a preschooler or early school age child from foster care (this is the gut feeling I have) although we pursued an adoption of a young lady who was 17 earlier this year (she decided there were too many question marks about whether or not an adoption would affect her projected graduation and college entry dates).

Answer 9

My own personal story is looooong!! Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope the hospital stays end with a beautiful healthy baby. I have one biological daughter and a son we adopted domestically at birth. The financial cost of adoption, unfortunately is enormous. For a healthy newborn in this country it is probably around $50,000 if you use an agency. If you do not use an agency, the costs may sound a lot lower initially but, the risks to you financially and emotionally are much higher. If you find a birthmother on your own (ads in the paper, internet searches, etc) you will most likely be asked and expected to support her during her pregnancy and pay for all her medical bills related to the birth. This will almost certainly run far less than $50,000 (you have to pay for the lawyer too) but, the kicker is that the birthmother is under no obligation whatsoever to agree to let you adopt the baby until a few days (the time varies depending on the state --from about 3 days to 30 days) after he/she is born and the birthmother will owe you nothing if she decides to keep the baby, in which case you have no recourse whatsoever. You will have to start the process over again, which is diggicult financially of course and can be even more devestating emotionally. The agency I used (they are all different but have somewhat similar policies) agreed to the fee and also agreed that no matter what the birthmother decided, the agency would be responsible for finding us a newborn for that same fee. It also agreed that if the birthmother decided to keep her baby that they would "put us at the top of the list" to find another baby. It's all a matter of what kind of risk and how much risk you are willing to take.

As far as how hard it is to adopt a baby; it isn't hard but, it can be stressful and it does take upwards of a year or more.

Good luck!

Answer 10

Adopting shouldn't be about fulfilling YOUR need - it should be about helping a child that can not be parented by their own biological parents. (with NO coercive tactics used - parents should be encouraged under all circumstances to parent - before adoption should ever be offered)

Australia has almost NO domestic adoptions - as parents are encouraged to parent. And with the right support - they do.

It is what is BEST for the child.

The adoption industry in the US is one big coercive money machine.

It has ceased to be about 'in the best interests of the child'.

As an adoptee - being separated from my biological family was NOT in my best interests.

Answer 11

1. The waiting time varies. It depends on a whether you do an agency adoption or an independent adoption, and it depends on how quickly an expectant mom chooses you to adopt her child.

2. A private agency U.S. newborn adoption usually costs between $20,000 and $50,000. If you do an independent adoption and network yourself, it can cost less... $4,000 to $10,000.

3. I am not an adoptive parent, I am a natural mom who relinquished her firstborn for adoption six years ago, in 2001. My best advice to you, if you are going to pursue this, is to research, research, research. The current U.S. infant adoption system has some serious ethical issues you should be acquainting yourself with. I'm linking to a site/forum below that would be a good place for you to start reading about some of the issues.