For parents with both, is it hard to love your adopted children as much as your natural children?

Question

We are considering adoption, but afraid we won't be able to love the adopted child as much as our son...

Answer 1

1 if you are going to adopt get him/her, really young and after a while you'll love him/her as much as your own, it doesnt take long to love a child

Answer 2

Legit concern but I believe if your mind and heart are in the right place, then this won't be a problem.  I have both and that never crossed my mind.  During the adoption process, you go through so much and so many emotions, pain, stress....  It was seriously the equivalent of my natural births.  I love ALL my kids just the same.  Unfortunately, I do hear about some adoptive parents who just cannot love their adopted children the same and that's sad!  It shouldn't matter how the child got there, if that is YOUR child, then you should love them just the same.

Answer 3

I believe if you want to adopt a child, you are probably willing to pour your heart into that kid. My parents adopted my sister and me and had a biological son. They never treated us girls any less lovingly than my brother, and we never felt like we were "adopted." I was adopted at birth and am 24 now. 99% of the time I'm not even aware that I am of a different race than my family! I think your concern is valid, but I'm guessing there are others who feel that way but have no doubts once they hold the child in their arms.

Answer 4

Children are Gifts.Human blessings.

Love is a word and strong emotion we rarely know the true meaning of.Some of us want children for a vast array of reasons.Companions,mini Me's,Sadly, someone to carry out the family name.

No, not if you truly love children.However not every child comes lovable in the sense,there are always exceptions.You may have to find the deeper love that you are capable of.

Lets explore ....Whats your background?How were you treated?What kind of parent are you now?How much of yourself are you willing to give.Are you concerned with DNA specifics?How would you feel if the child became ill so ill it it takes all your savings,time away from your natural children.Their college funds?Are you predigest?Not necessarily color related.What if all information was not released to you.The Mother was alcoholic,drug addicted.

These are not cheery thoughts.Just a reality that can be.

It's a hard call.Every individual is unique.Are you thinking or are we thinking?

It's definitely a we question.Search out your heart,take ample  time.. you will need each other all of you.Life has a way of changing the best laid plans.

People adopt for different reasons.

Answer 5

My sister and I are answering this together so you can see two opinions.  I am the biological child of my parents, and she was adopted from Korea at 6 months.  We believe we are loved 100% equally.  We have been raised as sisters, we grew up as sisters.  We fight about taking each others clothes, and we stay up late talking about our teenage drama.  My parents havent treated us any different.  I asked my mom about this, because I had heard about the feeling you get once you give birth and see your baby. How you grow to see yourself in him/her, and how you feel this love the first time you see her.   I just wondered how that was possible when given some baby you just met.  She told me *cheesy alert* that she knew my sister was her daughter when she saw her picture.  It sounds corny, but my mom is not usually that type of person, i think she really meant it and just had no other way to say it.  

I think when you raise your child (birth or not) and get to watch him grow, teach him to walk, speak, and live, you fall in love.  You will also fall in love with watching the two kids interact.  How they play together, fight together, talk to each other.  And you will be surprised how much your heart expands after having another child. After a new member is added, it doesnt take long for you to wonder how you ever lived without him.

My mom says she was so happy when Leighton and I started fighting, because it proved to her that we had really become sisters.  Ive never felt loved any more or less than her, though at times, I felt she was favored, just because she got to celebrate two birthdays. (her birthday and her coming to us day) I think of her as nothing more than a sister, after time, you completely forget she wasnt biological.  She/he becomes your child.

Sorry so long! And good luck to whatever decision you make.

Answer 6

I love my 3 first children as much as my birth son.

Answer 7

You should love your children equally whether adopted or is your own child.

Answer 8

I believe it's possible to love them equally.  My parents certainly say they love me the same as their natural born children.

The trouble is, adoptees aren't readily able to accept that love.

Adoptees are told our mothers loved us - but they left us.   Why would they risk a repeat of that loss.  This lack of trust carries through to every relationship

Answer 9

From an adoptee's perspective, I hated living in a family that already had two bio kids.  My 'brothers' were old enough when I was adopted to be completely aware that I wasn't their mother's child and they treated me very much like an outsider.  They hated and resented me for coming along and stealing all the attention.

I hated the feeling of being the only adopted child in the family so much, that I started thinking that a couple with children already should never be allowed to adopt.  Now, I don't see it so black and white, but I still think it's not a great idea.  Even though my aparents have loved me a lot, I still get the feeling that they love their biological children more.

Answer 10

No, it's remarkably easy to love our adopted child as much as your own.  I was trying to adopt my ex-husband's first born when I was with him.  I would STILL try to adopt her if I had any chance of actually being able to do so.  I still WILL try to adopt her if one day her grandparents feel they can't care for her anymore.  

When we first brought my son home from the hospital (my bio-son), I thought we'd never make it with two kids.  There were alot of reasons for this, only some of which had to do with money.  I was afraid of what the stress was doing to my (then) husband, and that we wouldn't have the attention to devote to both kids.  I actually looked in to putting one of them up for adoption...  guess which one!  Yep, my son!  I didn't do it, thank the lord, because life did get easier after the first few weeks (anyone with a newborn knows what I mean.)  I'm not sure I could have anyway, I loved both the kids too much...  but it was EASIER (that term has to be relative) for me to think of parting with my son that it was to think of parting with his sister (my non-biologcial one).  

Similarly, when my ex deserted us, and I was forced to give her back to her grandparents to raise, it nerely killed me.  I cried almost non-stop for days....  actually, the only time I did stop is when I truly was so dried out no tears would come.  Even after that, I could cry at the drop of a pin until six weeks later when her grandparents told me that they were moving closer to where I live.  (At the time they lived in California and I in Texas.)  Now my son and I can visit them.  We aren't strangers at least.  That has eased the pain considerably - though I don't go as often as I originally did because it hurts now to see her sometimes when I think some of the decisions her grandparents made are hurting her.  

On the other hand, when I was growing up I had two brothers who were both adopted and mentally retarded, along with 3 other brothers (younger than the adopted ones) who were biological.  I loved all my brothers, but there was, and still is, a difference in the way I feel about them and the way I feel about my biological brothers.  I cannot tell you whether or not this is because they are adopted, or because they are handicapped.  Since you already have a son, you should consider this, since any child you adopt would be his sibling.  You want to make sure he is comfortable with the idea of you adopting and that he won't feel like his adopted siblings are stealing you away.  You also want to consider how it will be if you end up having more biological children after you adopt.  You don't want to make the adopted child feel like the "odd one out".  

I'm not saying not to adopt, I think adoption is wonderful.  However, it has to be done very carefully, particularly when other children are involved.  Make sure to talk to a family counselor before, during, and after the adoption to ensure that things go smoothly!  

Good Luck!

Answer 11

I have both bio children and an adopted child. I love them all equally. I realize that some adoptive parents may not, but I do. My wife  and other 3 kids feel likewise. There are the normal sibling tussles, but she is just 'sissy' to them. In some ways, I feel even more protective of her because of her being adopted.  If you are concerned about this however, you should weigh it carefully. I had no concerns about my ability to love my adopted child even before I met her.

Answer 12

I can tell you without a dadgum doubt, I love both my daughters absolutly the same!  My husband also.  Shoot, my mom and our extended family as well!  Our bio daughter was 6 when  we were placed with out baby as an at risk adoption.  Even though things aren't final yet, I totally forget sometimes that I DIDN"T give birth to her.  Actually, what I say, is I did give birth to her in my heart the second I saw them take her out of their SUV.  I knew the moment I saw her she was ours.  She was very sick and on lots of medical equipment.  We hadn't seen a picture or anything.  Didn't even know she was sick.  We got a call and we just said "bring her."  We knew her first name and that's about it.  She came with a little dress and 2 onesies.  Now she is almost a year old, off of all of her medical equipment and quite possibly one of the happiest babies you could ever know.  I would tell anyone who wanted to adopt but was afraid they might not love them as much as a bio.....'believe me, you will love them just as much.'  If you have love to give, and obvioulsly you do if you're willing to go through the whole adoption experience, YOU WILL LOVE YOUR CHILD.  Nobody goes through the adoption experience for the heck of it.  It is way more prolonged and more painful than natural pregnancy and childbirth.  I've been though both, I know.

Answer 13

Hi DeAnna,

Congratulations on the future addition to your family.  I do hope you will be considering adopting a child from the foster care system over adopting an infant.   Foster children truly do not have families, and they need homes the most.  

I think you will find virtually every adoptive parent telling you that they love their adopted children as much as they love their own children.  If they do not have their own children, they will tell you they love their adopted child as much as any child they could have given birth to.  I do believe the vast majority mean it.  

There is more to consider than just the love you are capable of feeling for a child not genetically related to you.  For instance, you say you already have a son.  Your adopted child may feel that you love the biological child more no matter how hard you try to be equal.  

Please understand that when adopted children don't feel as loved, sometimes it has nothing to do with how much the adoptive parents wanted that child, or how much they love that child.  Sometimes it has to do with the fact that adopted children find it harder to accept that love.  They have experienced great losses in their young lives and sometimes find it harder to trust than children who are raised in their natural families.

It's great that you are educating yourself on these types of issues before another child joins your family.  I would encourage you to visit some adult adoptee sites.  Read some of their blogs.  You will find more information on this & many other related topics.  Just some things to think about...

Thanks for asking,

julie j

Answer 14

It is rather curious that adopters will never admit that they love their real kids more when there is so much evidence (adult adoptee voices) who will state otherwise.

Human nature dictates that this does happen, and IMNSHO it happens a lot more than people would like to admit.

My adopters had their own kid, and YES she was loved more.

Don't adopt.

Answer 15

Anyone who doesn't love their adopted children less than their bio kids won't admit it--I guarantee it.

Answer 16

I am my parents natural born child, and they adopted my brother only a few months after I was born (I was a surprise needless to say when they found out) and I can tell you this from my experience growing up, no! My parents love my brother and I both equally and he and I nit-pick like anyother siblings which is whos favorite. He is my big brother, and my parents have always said that is THEIR son, and I am THEIR daughter, we are equals to them, always have been, and my brother denys he is even adopted to this day, cause to him, nothing else matters other than his mom and dad, and 'bratty kid sister' (he is 3 yrs older than I, and even as adults he still calls me that, such a love bond there huh? :D )

My parents love us both so much, and I believe people who adopt have so much more love in their hearts, you are happily wanting to give a home and love to a unkown child who never has possibly had either. You will love the adopted child as much. Looking at my parents I promise you, the adopted child is every bit as yours as your son, you will love him/her the moment you lay eyes on them... like my parents tell my brother when he asked, to them, nothing in this world means more to them than us two kids of theirs, and we are a normal, which laughs way to much.

I wish you keep this in mind, and I wish you all the best in the future :D ... Tara

PS: Your children are yours no matter if they come from you or someone else, it's whats in your heart, that is all the difference