For people who have given babies up for adoption?

Question

i have chosen parents who are my fiance's sister and husband, i am happy with that decision. we absolutely cannot afford to keep this child and i want whats the very best for my baby boy. thats whats driving me to do this. i guess i just want to know how people who have done this are managing now? i know its a long process and im never going to be over it completely but i was wondering about hearing other people experiences if you guys wouldnt mind sharing them.

thank you so much for any imput, i would love many answers and dont worry about how long they may get...

thanks

Answer 1

They should re-name this category to "judgemental jerks with all the answers".  I will count myself lucky to get thumbs down here - the reasonable people are the only ones getting them.

Some people have suggested counseling - I agree with them.  You need to explore all of your resources at a time like this - look to your family and other people close in your life and look to them for support right now.  First of all, pregnancy hormones can mess up your thinking as well as letting panic dictate your decisions.  Believe it or not, there are more people who will help you and be in your corner than you realize now.  Adoption may be a decision your regret forever OR it may be the best solution for you.  Have you talked with your parents about it?  Your Fiance's parents?  Maybe they can help you with the best option.

What you need to remember -

There are all kinds of people who are going to answer this question and many have their own agenda.

Some are bitter, angry and jealous of those who are able to conceive.

Adoptees who are well adjusted and happy are probably not browsing this category looking to answer this type of question.

Adoptive parents are going to be grateful to those who have made the decision to give their children up for adoption.

This decision is yours and is a permanent decision either way - you need to explore your own options and decide what is best for you.  Remember, you are not as alone as you believe, things are never as bad as you think and you need to figure out what decision you will be able to live with.  Either way, the decision will be with you every day.

Answer 2

For most of us mothers it does not get better in time. You will have alot of people who tell you that you can move on, that it is better for your child and all the other platitudes you have heard.I urge you to truly research this and to read as much as you possibly can on the effects of the seperation of mother and child. Open adoption sounds wonderful in theory, and in some cases it does work, but more often than not such adoptions close, and remember also that open adoption is not legally enforcable in all states. Check the laws very carefully on this in your state and if the adoption is not going to be in your home state check the state laws on the state it is going to occur in.

For me adoption truly was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Like you I thought there was no way I could parent my child. I was preyed upon by an unethical agency that not only lied to me about how open the adoption would be, but also threatened me when I told them I did not want to go through with the adoption. I was told I could not take my child home until all the bills were paid, I was told my parents would be sued for all expenses (I only saw the case worker once and I paid my own Drs expenses so what expenses they were talking about I have no clue) also I was 21 at the time, from an upper middle class family who would have helped me and I was in college. There is always a way to afford a child, maybe you don't like the thought of getting aid but truly it is there for people who really just need help it is not a lifelong thing as some would have you think. I went on to have three more children and would never have considered adoption again. It's the "gift" in my life that keeps on giving. Unresolved grief, regret, anguish, pain and PTSD. Many will tell you that my situation was not the usual, that what happened to me was only in the bad "Old Days" but it did happen to me and to so many others it is disgusting. Coercion can come in many forms, and it is very insidious these days. I would ask you to really stop and consider, read, research and talk to as many other mothers who lost their children as you can. You may find yourself thinking about adoption in an entirely different light. The most precious thing I ever lost was my daughter, and it did not need to happen.

Please go to Origins-USA and to Adoptioncrossroads and read for your own peace of mind you owe to yourself to be fully informed as to what will happen to you and to your child. IF you find that adoption is still what you want I would suggest you retain your own attorney who will advocate for you and your child. Make sure that what you want is in writing and is iron clad. Adoption is permanent and if you do not safe guard yourself and your child you may well find yourself on the outside looking in.

Answer 3

The people that are hurt - to the core - when it comes to adoption - is the child - and the relinquishing mother.

And the pain doesn't ever completely go away.

Sure - you can get busy - and you can pretend that it doesn't hurt - but it's usually always just there - just below the surface.

The people that love adoption - and will give you praise for being so wonderful for giving away your child - are mostly adoptive parents.

Adoptive parents are the ones who gain.

They want a child - you have a child - they'll tell you what you want to hear.

If you truly feel that this is what you must do - so be it.

But please - please - do a whole lot of reading beforehand - and see things from many different angles.

Adoption is so often (where infant adoption is concerned) a long term fix - to a short term problem.

Adoptee blogs -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Relinquishing mother blogs -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Books -

http://origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?page...

People research a great deal into big purchases - cars, houses etc.

This is a HUGE decision / a life altering event - for you and for your child.

All I'm advising  - is to do your research - and do what your heart tells you to do.

I wish you all the very best.

Answer 4

Kala,

You will have to carefully read in here to find the ones who are  fine & even happy from being adopted (& they're the ones who support you & your baby & have the highest number of thumbs down votes), but they are here & actually outnumber this group of jerks. They've just stacked the votes in their favor but if you'll really look, others are shocked & appalled with their vile statements. You are very vulnerable right now. Please don't listen to this gang of trolls. Take everything they say with a grain of salt. They are playing with others' emotions in here as if they were toys & causing real damage. They enjoy scaring the living daylights out of normal & sane people. Like I said before, listen to your heart & your instincts. Best wishes.

Answer 5

I'm sorry you are going through this.

The short answer to your question is, relinquishing my daughter gave me PTSD and made me suicidal.

It has been six and a half years. We have a fully open adoption. I regret, to the core of my being, giving her up.

You said that you want to do what's best for your child. I remember that feeling, I was there once. I would like to ask you, though, to please consider thinking of it in a different way--just ask yourself if you can give your baby what he or she NEEDS. Not the best, just what he or she needs. The reason I'm suggesting this is just this: adoption is no guarantee. Right now you feel financially strapped and therefore want to give your baby a financially secure home. I understand that. But there is no guarantee that the adoptive home will always be financially secure; there is no guarantee the adoptive parents will always be together; and there is no guarantee that YOUR life won't quickly turn around.

If everyone decided to give their children "the best," we'd all be relinquishing our children... because there are always better parents, wealthier homes, more educational opportunities, bigger houses, etc etc out there.

Just please really, really think about this. At the very least, please read this booklet before you decide anything for certain. It's called What You Should Know if You're Considering Adoption for Your Baby: www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf

Answer 6

If you cannot afford to take care of your child this is the best thing you can do for them. My step-daughter's friend had a couple picked out that would have been perfect, but at the last minute she changed her mind and her daughter is basically delayed because she is neglected and they cannot afford to pay for the therapy she needs. At least by adopting to family you will still be able to know your child and how they are doing. Just remember that it will legally be THEIR child so don't step on their toes when it comes to their parenting. My friend gave her baby up for adoption (Open) and she receives updates every 6 months with new pics and how they are doing in school. She still has moments that she regrets having to give him up, but she knows that she did the right thing as she is still struggling with problems and it would not have been fair to her son to have to deal with them along with ber.

Answer 7

I've never given up a child for adoption, but I am the biological child of a person who gave his previous daughter up for adoption.  My half-sister ended up finding my dad a few years ago, and because he felt so bad for giving her up for adoption he began to treat her like she was more of his child than me and my brother were, talking to her constantly and sending her expensive presents, which led to a lot of hurt feelings.  If you think you might have more biological children in the future and will keep them, it is one thing to consider how it will affect them if they know the child you gave up for adoption and you're all in contact.

Answer 8

I know that you posted this questions for those who have given there babies up for adoption although I do not meet that criteria I have to give a response.  

When I found myself pregnant with my daughter, I had no health insurance and a low income to say the least.  Her father (biological and not in the pic any more) was out from the beginning and I felt scared that I would never be able to do this.  I also knew that I could not give my baby away.  I buckled down and got to it and 8 years later I may not be rich, but I am an at home mom and so happy that I still have my daughter.  

I am only sharing this because you stated that you were going to do this as you have not the funds for raising a child.  You would be surprised by the number of people out there who are raising children with low incomes but lots of success.  It is possible.  I don't know what your circumstances are but if your only reason is lack of money than I hope that you will reconsider.  

I think that adoption is a beautiful thing as there are so many orphans and so many children who are not being given a home by there biological parents.  I just hate to see someone give their baby up for the sole reason of finance.  There are a lot of resources out there.

Answer 9

I gave my daughter up in Jan 1972. Of course it was a closed adoption and it's a decision I wish I had never had to make. If I knew then what I know now, I don't think I would have done it. It was something I never got over, even after finding her in 2001 (she was 29 1/2) I still live with the guilt of giving away my baby. Every birthday I cried for her. She lived with feelings of abandonment, the 5th child of a blended family and the only girl. She was molested and that tears at my heart. We have both had some counseling and that helped. It hurts like h**l, when your child asks you, why did you keep my brother and not me? He was born in 1977. She will never call me mom and her kids will never call me Grandma. I was 17 when I got pregnant, and we went through the Children's Home Society and they didn't counsel us to keep our baby, just to give her up. I could have saved my self a world of hurt, by trying to figure out how we could keep her.

I know that things are different now with open adoptions but feelings never change, some day your son will come to you and your new children and ask, why did you keep them and not me?

Answer 10

Let me say right off that I have not given up a baby for adoption.  I do have family members and friends who have.  Some are okay with it, some have good days and bad days, some describe their life as feeling like spend their entire lives buried alive.  All said it was pure h**l in the beginning.  For some, they are still grieving years later.  Each person described it differently.

I strongly urge you to get counseling to help you understand how you will deal with it.  May I also suggest that you look for resources and make a backup plan to parent?  Many, many parents find that after they actually see and hold their baby the first time, they cannot go through with the adoption.  If that happens to you, you do not want to have yourself backed into a corner.

I wish you all of the best.

Answer 11

I don't have any personal with adoption, but I just wanted to wish you the best of everything. I can imagine it's going to be very difficult, but you know what is best for your baby at this time. I'm not sure if you believe in God or not, and I don't mean to offend you with what I'm about to say if you don't, but pray a lot, and ask Him for strength to go through this and peace. God bless you and help you through this difficult time.

Answer 12

I was abandoned/adopted. I never got over it. I would have rather my mother had an abortion that abandon me to strangers.

Abandoning your child is a huge trauma to the child.

Are you prepared for your child to hate you?

Mothers are supposed to raise their children. Period.

Do whatever it takes to raise your child. That is your job. That is what mothers do.

Don't sentence your child to a life-time of pain.

Just don't do it.

Answer 13

I feel so bad for you.  It is such a hard decision.

I have my first child at 19, in 1981.  The pregnacy was unintended, I was unmarried and had not finished college.

After asking myself some very hard questions and doing alot of soul searching, I decided that even though I would be dirt poor, I  could provde what my baby NEEDED.

I married her father, and we had our daughter,   together.  Two more followed.  It was hard.  We were very poor.  The children never went without basics.  Things got better as we both went on for higher education.  It took time but we did it!

By the time the kids were in grade school, we owned a home in a lovely neighborhood and we could provide not only what they needed, but also what they wanted!

The kids are grown.  I now have 9 grandchildren.  I am so glad I made the decision I did.

Good luck with what ever you decide to do.

Answer 14

First of all, I am sorry so many people are criticizing YOUR decision and trying to talk you into changing your mind.  You are already going through enough already and if you are happy with your decision like you said, then DO WHAT YOU THINK IS BEST!  Afterall, YOU are the one that has to live with your decision, not THEM.

I am not a birth mother, but an adoptive mother.  My heart goes out to you with what lies ahead.  The decision to place a child for adoption is not easily made and I'm sure you've put a lot of thought into it.  People think that placing a baby for adoption means that you don't love them.  In fact, it is completely the opposite.  Adoption comes from selfless love of people like you who want their child to have everything that it deserves to have, although you cannot provide that.  

It doesn't sound like you are giving your baby to "strangers", so hopefully that will help to ease a little of the pain.  You will never be able to fully comprehend what a blessing the gift of your precious child will be in their lives.  Our beautiful adopted daughter has filled our hearts to overflowing with love and our lives with more happiness than we ever could have imagined.  We love her just as much as we ever would have loved a biological child, and in some ways more because of all we had to go through to get her.  

Stay strong in your decision and just ignore the people who can't respect your choice.  I hope you have family and close friends who will be right there to support you through this!  May God bless you for having such selfless love for your child and for giving your child MORE!

Hugs!

Answer 15

I think it is a wonderful thing you are doing....I am not against adoption at all.  I hope that they will send you pictures and updates.  Yes, it is going to be hard and I pray you find peace and joy in the fact you are doing what you feel is best.....Good luck

Answer 16

Go to origins usa, this question has been asked here before, you will get a lot of PAPs telling you are doing something wonderful, making a gift of your child....

I was very poor when I had my son too I am not anymore, and am so glad he is not with strangers.

I hope you also investigate what adoption does to adoptees.

It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, I am sorry for you.

eta:  YES, that is what people DO.  Many parents start out poor, I don't know how old you are but assuming you are either teens or twenties, most people that age are strapped for cash, I had my babywhen I was 18, and yes I was very broke, he is a young man now, and  is much better off than I was as a young person, he was raised with a lot less money, but a lot more love.  People go through hard times, that doesn't mean you give away your baby.  I am worried that you picked PAPs so closely related to you,  you shouldn't pick anyone yet, but have your baby and spend time with him first, you know they don't take kittens from their mothers as quickly as they take adoptees.