For the "I don't feel loss" folks...Can you see a difference between...?

Question

1)....acknowledging a loss happened from the separation of mother and child... and

2) not feeling a present loss now as an adult?

I'm wondering if those on this board who don't feel a present loss and claim to have never felt a loss, acknowledge that a loss happened when they "lost" their natural family (etc.) pre-adoption?

Answer 1

I never felt lost. I love my family more than anything. When I was born and went to my adopted family, My bio mother lived with us for 2 weeks until she was health wise able to travel back to Michigan. While she was there I nev er slept. I cried all the time, then when she left I slept for 20 hours a day. .  

Answer 2

I used to think life was peaches and scream for the average adopted person.

"I didn't lose anything. What birthmother? There was a woman who gave me birth.... SO WHAT? SHE'S NOT THE ONE WHO RAISED ME, why should I give sh*t about her?!" - me at ages 2 -17

Obviously by now, my viewpoint has changed.

[A loss is a loss. It doesn't matter if it effects me for one minute, or one decade, its still a loss.]

... thank you so very much for pointing that out.

Answer 3

You're just mad that every adopted person isn't bitter and unhappy like yourself.... Some people just LOVEEEEEEE being the victim... Get Over  it  

Answer 4

I guess if someone keeps wording questions differently they will eventually get the answer they want.  

Yes, as outlined by your question I did lose something.  What it was, I don't know and I don't care.  I've never cared to delve into who the woman was that brought me into the world.  She chose to give me up or she was in a situation that necessitated me being taken from her, I don't know and whether or not people chose to believe it, I've never really thought about it.  It's been a glass half full thing vice a glass half empty.  I've been more thankful that I had a family that loved me and provided me with what they did then curious about things I can't remember and can't do anything about.

Of course we all have losses but at the same time we all have gains.  If someone wants to focus on the losses then that is their business.  Personally, I choose to focus on the gains, especially over those losses I can neither remember or do anything about.  

Answer 5

I don't belong to the "I don't feel loss" camp, if there is such a thing, but I'd like to respond anyway, especially in response to the half-full vs. half-empty glass analogy. For some the glass is either half-full OR half-empty, but there is also the position the glass is half-full AND it is half-empty.

While I agree it is pretty unhealthy to only look at losses, I think it is equally unhealthy to only look at gains. Life is full of both and I've come to the conclusion for myself, it is best if I acknowledge my gains as much as my losses.

For me adoption represents the loss of the chance to have a life with my natural family, including a brother and a sister, whom I only got to know when they had become complete strangers to me. I gained stability. Their childhoods have been chaotic, mine was very organized.  Compared to children who grew up with their natural family, I've never had the chance to know what that was like, but it also gave me the opportunity to learn to see families with an outsiders perspective.

Every advantage can be seen as a disadvantage and vice versa, which makes it possible to learn and see things from more than one side. I think it is stupid to deny yourself either perspective.

Answer 6

I think its just too painful for some. Many adoptees are fed so much c**p that its too scary and/or painful to address it. Its hard to look at something in a different way than what was ingrained. It brings up too many other emotions or fears.

Look at how Ap's that spend thousands of dollars in 3rd world countries can't bring themselves to look at the dark side of the business. They just tell themselves whatever makes "them" feel better.

Hannah, I'm guessing this is what your a-parents told you because from what I understand babies cannot comprehend the concept of time(as in minutes or hours). Maybe you cried so much because you felt the separation coming and slept so much out of exhaustion and then compliance.  

Answer 7

i'm starting to understand that there are two extremes here. Not saying you fall into this group Gershom. i may disagree with you from time to time, but hopefully i never disrespected you.

People,

What I think Gershom is trying to point out is that, you who feel you have not felt a loss, will lash out at those to profess to say that they have felt a loss. Now, i do know that not all fall in this category. But there are a couple of regulars on here who are adoptive parents and adoptees alike, who feel that those who want to know their b-families, want adoption reforms, who have felt a loss are werid or have low self-esteem. Everyone feels things differently, so there will be people who felt the seperation between their mother a little more acutely. Some of you are quick to point the finger at "angry adoptees" who feel this as being in the past and tell them to get over it. Yet, when you speak about your adoption as being happy, you want everyone to feel the same way as you. Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black? NOONE, can tell another how they feel. this is just my two cents.

Answer 8

I never experienced a loss even as a child. WHY DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT. Ok, I will admit that my birth mother felt the loss, and one occurred that does not mean that I EVERY felt a loss- sorry if you did

Answer 9

You seem to need a lot of help. I hope that you get some.

Believe it or not, you are an individual. Your 'unique' feelings are not what everyone else feels.  

Answer 10

Ok, from a purely philosophical view, this question reminds me of...  

"If a tree falls in a forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"  

I mean, if you never experienced the loss, then was it really a loss?

Answer 11

i will be honest i skimmed through this, but my mom left when i was 3 and i remember the last day i seen her, i dont know why but i do. i have always felt the missing piece in my heart, but as you grow older you learn to accept it. i have 4 children i am adopting and want them to not feel the loss, but reality is their bio mom abandoned them. i have heard many stories of foster kids who where starved as an infant and dont know why they hoard food now being older. you always remember some how. i have lost my twin boys 11 years ago, and even though the pain is different and its easier, i still again have the void. thats part of being a person who loves and cares

Answer 12

I think I have an explanation. I have been studying early childhood education and we have studied the areas of attatchment and resilience. The first three years of a child's life determines their resilience in the future, no matter what happens to them.

A child where a smooth adoption happened, where there was very little stress before (the mother, if stressed or depressed will transfer this stress onto the unborn baby) and after (mind changes, length of time between adoption and the reason for adoption such as  a confident decision rather than a forced adoption) make a huge difference. The adoption itself can also make a huge difference, and a gradual, calm transition will help. The child may still suffer the loss, but because they come from a safe environment and placed in another safe environment the stress on them is significantly less and their resilience will stay strong, especcially if their life continues to be positive and safe from then on.

However, a lot of adoptions don't happen this way, parents are often in anguish about whether to adopt their child out or not which stresses the unborn baby. The baby may be forced to be taken away. The baby may be placed into an unstable home or a foster environment. The adoption itself may be done harshly and the transition from the first parents to the second may be brutal and sudden.

Personality and genetical resilience also plays a part. If you are born very strong and resilient, you probably have a higher chance of recovering from a traumatic experience such as adoption.

There are so many factors that are involved. I think that adoptees who don't feel that pain are genuine. They have a right to the way they feel just as I have. In fact it is probably better that they don't delve into their background to find the pain because as I have felt it myself, I would not wish it on anyone. I am not an angry or depressed adoptee, but the events that happened from when I was born until I was about  6 months old was not the ideal situation for me to become resilient and I have suffered for that long term and I believe that is also why some adoptees suffer a lot more than others. I am very grateful for the life I have had, but that does not take away what happened to me in that first 6 months of my life.

I find it interesting to read some people talking about that people may not consider someone they never knew a loss. I think some adoptees value this and some dont. It depends on your personality.

I once saw an add on the internet about a dog for adoption at the local shelter. I read about her (english bull terrier favourite breed) and immediately fell in love, went out to the shelter in the car and started crying on the way. I was bawling my eyes out and had no idea why. When I arrived the shelter attendent told me the dog had just passed away during an operation! I had just felt the loss of a dog I had never known, and this is what it's like for an adoptee who feels the loss of t heir b-parents (even though slightly stronger). I feel like I am hyper-sensitive to loss and it is almost a spychic ability. Maybe adoptees who don't feel the loss never felt this.

Answer 13

If a loss occurred but I don't feel the loss, does that mean the loss really occurred?  A loss only occurs if you feel the loss.  I don't.  My greatgrandfather died right after I was born.  He was in his 80's.  I don't remember him and don't feel the loss or even sad. That doesn't mean he didn't die, it just means that I don't feel the loss.  If I knew him or remembered him I might have felt the loss.  My family doesn't try to berate me for not feeling the loss or try to pressure me to feel the loss of my greatgrandfather.  It would'nt help.  I just can't feel it.

Answer 14

Of course anyone who has been adopted or adopted a child out feels loss and they would be in denial to themselves if they didn't admit this.I am an adoptee and I have always felt that I have lost a part of myself and know now that this part of me,which is the chance to meet my biological family and get to know them,will never be realised.But I am also a relinquishing mother and the loss that I have felt in never knowing about my eldest daughter is about to be forgotten in the best possible way.My youngest daughter has been in contact with her adoptive mother and the first two photos(of my eldest daughter's two eldest children)have been emailed to me today.Words cannot describe the feelings that I have tonight.

Answer 15

I wish I had met my birth parents, but I don't lament that I didn't. When they died, I was too young to remember. I have wonderful parents that treat me exactly the same way they treat their biological children, my brothers.

The thing is, the word "parent" goes beyond the biological sperm/egg meaning - at least to me. I had many parents growing up - from the ones that gave me life, to the "parents" I had at the orphanage, the ones who took me in as a toddler, when I was too young to understand what happened to my parents, the elderly couple that took me in when the orphanage was going through financial troubles, and finally, the parents that adopted me. I love them all, and I thank them for caring for me and raising me. I am not angry, I am loved and I am fortunate.

Even dogs can give birth, but only a parent can raise a child. The true loss would have been if I did not acknowledge that.

Answer 16

I have spent most of my life in the "I gained more than I lost camp," but I have always known that I lost something. I just convinced myself and was told by others that what I lost wasn't of any value.  I haven't ever been angry about my adoption or grief stricken because of this belief.  But I kind of see now how wrong it is to assume a person has no value when you haven't even met them.  

The fact that I feel I gained something from adoption doesn't mean I haven't been curious about what I lost.   In fact, I think what kept me from searching was the fear that I would find I lost something of great value.   Seeking these answers doesn't make me angry, bitter, or stuck in the past.  All adoptees lose a family.  It is a fact.  It is just a matter of putting that loss into the context of your life.  

From my own experience, I think when an adoptee says they didn't experience a loss what they might mean is that they don't value what they lost or they feel they gained more than they lost.  I can respect that.

For me I have no idea what I lost.  That is the problem.