For those adopted whom are past 21 years old:?

Question

How much info have you learned about your birth parents & how does it effect you in your daily life?

Answer 1

I found my entire family back in 1996.  I've learned a tremendous amount about them, our reunion has been up and down, but even for the downs I wouldn't change a thing.  

It affects me in different ways on a daily basis.  I've just come off of a ten-year silence with my mother.  She was unable to face me because of her guilt and pain from giving me up.  It's been a hard road for both of us, but we're finally getting to a better place...it takes a lot of time, a LOT of patience, and love and understanding.  

My father didn't want to meet me AT ALL in the beginning, which seems strange since he and my mother were married only 2 months after giving me up, but he was adamantly against it.  It took him another 7 years to come around and agree to meet me, and when we did, it was a great experience for both of us.  Sadly, he passed away the following winter, so we only ever spoke the one time.  But I'm thankful for the short time we did have.

Some days I wish I could just quit all of it and not be adopted; other days, I'm completely happy with my life the way it is.  It's a roller coaster, one I can never get off.

Answer 2

When I was 25, I received my non-identifying information from Catholic Social Services.  A full 10 years later, at the prompting of a good friend and my husband, I decided to go ahead and search.  It took about 6 months to find my natural dad.

It turned out he and the whole family had been wondering about me and even searching for me all those years.  We have had an excellent 6 year relationship.  My natural mom had passed away 7 months prior to the reunion, but her dad is still alive and we have a good relationship, too.  About 6 months ago, I located my two siblings (we share the same mother, 3 diffrerent dads.)  They were raised by relatives, but not our mother or their fathers.

While searching, it took up most of my free time.  Now that we're living our day to day relationship, it's pretty normal.  Regular calls, emails and visits.  One thing I can say is that I feel secure in the relationships.

Answer 3

On Thursday it will be the 9 year anniversary of my reunion with my mom. I have learned almost everything imaginable about her and her side of my family. Still trying to learn more about my ndad but he lives in terror of his wife finding out about me so it is slow going.

I'm not sure that it affects my daily life a whole lot. Other than the fact that I feel more loved and supported and it is nice to know where certain mannerisms come from. I always cover my mouth and nose with my hand when I laugh, it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling to catch myself doing it now since my mom does this as well.

The only negative I can think of is that I call my nmom mom and my adad dad do people are often confused about my origins. "So your dad was with a 16 year old when he was 28???", that kind of thing.

Answer 4

I knew why my mom gave my sisters, brother and I up for adoption; she couldn't afford to care for us and her new husband refused to accept us.  

Unfortunately, while some of the foster homes we were in were okay, others were abusive.  When I was adopted, I was 10 and the woman wanted to adopt my favorite sister with me, but her husband wouldn't hear of it.  As time went on, I realized he didn't really want to adopt at all.  

I worked hard to make sure my own children don't do without me.  I am there for them.  I try to be as fair and loving as a parent can be and my wife says I have done well;  she also says I'm very family oriented.  

I wouldn't make my mother's life harder by searching for her, but, since she was diabetic, she may well have passed on by now.  What I have really felt a sense of loss over is my sisters and brother whom I would like to find, and the search doesn't go well if you can't spend a lot of time on it.  They might be in Canada, or they could be in the U.S. and I do feel the loss.  I regret not having enough time free from work to look harder for them.  I've learned nothing in the searching I've been able to do so far.

Answer 5

I was adopted when I was 10 years old, I knew my mother off and on till i was 8. I've never forgotten her, and I think about her often. I was adopted to a caring (not loving) family who wanted me to be like them (I was my own person). I don't know who my birth father is, and I don't know where my birth mother is. I hope to find her one day, but im not in a hurry. I have 2 younger brother and 2 younger sister to help distract me :). It has effected my life greatly.....I know that one day I'll be the mother to my children, that I never had.

Answer 6

If I told someone I was 54 and totally consumed with my adoption search, they would probably question my sanity.

The reality is - I didn't even know I was adopted until I was 31, my aparents NEVER admitted it (even after I found out).  In the past 12 months, I've received considerably more non-ID from the agency that holds my records, I lost my afather (age 84) to Alzheimer's and I hired a PI specializing in adoption searches.  I expect to return to normal in a few years unless there's a reunion.

Answer 7

I found my birthmother as soon as I was legally able to search. I tried earlier, but no one was willing to give me any info.

I was lucky it didnt take too long to find her & I only had to search about 6 months, but for those 6 months it consumed my life. I spent every day looking

I'm glad I did. It paid off well for me. I have the most wonderful birth mother, better than I ever could have imagined

Answer 8

I know as much as I can know about my natural parents (to a lot of adoptees the 'birth' prefix is offensive) as most non-adopted people do, except what it would be like to have grown up with them.

I have been reunited with my family for 20 years.  It has had its ups & downs, but many more ups. The most valuable part about all of it has been knowing who I am, and where I came from.  That has given me peace in a way nothing else could.  The non-adopted can't imagine what it's like to NOT have a story--they live it.  For us, it can be frustrating, embarrassing, and painful.

I used to get sort of angry in different classes in school, biology (genetics), and history.  How can one get excited about the history of man when you have NO idea where you fall in the story?  I know some adoptees take on their adoptive parents’ histories, but I was never, not even as a child, comfortable pretending.  My deepest desire was to live a life with as few lies as possible--adoption made this goal impossible.

I know I am one of the lucky adoptees (in reunion, not in my adoptive experience), and that I have an unusual experience.  My mother was very welcoming.  My father was not willing to take our relationship public. You win some; you ‘lose’ some… Adoption, and living with secrets and lies for so long often creates rifts that seem insurmountable-- some people can adjust, some cannot.

But I'm SO glad I searched and found, and I know how I entered the Universe.  To me that was MORE important that whatever worst-case scenario I (or anyone else) could come up with.

Good luck.

Answer 9

I have known that I was adopted from as young as I can remember - but when I asked about my first mother - my adoptive mum would get upset - and say that she was my mother now - and that it upset HER to talk about my adoption.

I was not allowed to talk about it right up until she died when I was 18.

I daydreamed constantly when growing up - wondering about the reasons why - and who my first mother was etc etc etc.

(a lot of wasted energy which could have been saved if only questions were answered)

I didn't search until I was 26 and pregnant with my first - as I still held a lot of guilt about going against my adoptive mothers wishes.

I received my OBC and other info (I'm in Australia and we have open records) - and found that she wasn't looking for me (I had always hoped that she was looking for me)  - AND that she had lost another child to adoption 5 years before me.

I just called the search off - I couldn't handle it then - I closed up my searching file - and got busy being a mother - and went on to have 3 daughters.

Almost 10 years later - I decided it was time again to search (I just had to be emotionally ready and stable).

This time I found my mother - my father (they married just 6 months after my birth) - their 3 kept children - AND my older sister - also an adoptee.

To this day - my mother has not coped with my reappearance - as she was told to go home and never talk about it.

Luckily my father and I are in contact - we're taking things slow - and hope to build on the relationship that we have started - and to see where it takes us.

My older sister and I are very close - and very thankful that we've found one another - we're very very alike.

I won't lie - the last 2 years have been an absolute roller-coaster ride. Many many ups and just as many downs.

Some days I wanted to chuck it all in.

Being 'rejected' by one's mother a second time - well - it hurts like h**l - but I researched into the era - got in contact with other relinquishing mothers - got in touch with other adoptees - all in an attempt to figured out the why's and how's of it all - which have all helped me greatly.

This year - right now - I'm calmer than I have been in many years.

I now know my truth. I know why. I know who. I finally have a photo of my bio parents! And I'm finding out more and more all the time. (including that of health and ancestry details)

I also have been overjoyed to finally find another (my sister) that looks, talks, acts - just like me!

Yay - I'm not a freak after all!!!!!

I've needed all of this to come to a place where I can work out who I am - at last - and not be someone that is always trying to fit into other peoples 'molds' - of how THEY want me to be.

I'm finally just working out how to be me - and to be happy with who I am.

It's an extremely intense journey - and by no means has it ended - but every single step has been well worth all the tears.

Answer 10

My mother dumped my twin sister and me in a shabby orphanage when we were about 4 and never visited us. We were adopted by a wonderful family, who already had two older children, when we were nine.

In our 20s, my sister and I hunted down our birth mother and visited her. She was horrible - my sister was in therapy for years afterwards. Supposedly our father was a soldier, but I suspect the mother had no idea who had impregnated her.

My real parents, the people who rescued us and gave us a great life, are dead now. I miss them every day.

My real family, older brother and sister-in-law, and older sister and brother-in-law, are all in the same city and we are together often. My sister died a number of years ago from heart disease. I really miss her.

As for the birth mother - nothing but total indifference.

Answer 11

I am almost 50 and I know very little about my birth parents- except a letter that my birth mom wrote to my adopted mom- which was proof that she loved me very much- how has this affected me?  I was given life, and raised with a loving family- I do not feel any regrets- I know some will give me thumbs down for this answer- and I am sorry for those who do not have the same experience that I have had, because I know that there are different opinions.

Answer 12

Since I found my birth family I have learned a lot about where I could've been if I hadn't been adopted. I thank god every day that my birth parents gave me up. I found out my father was murdered and my mother is a drug addict/alcoholic that has been arrested multiple times for various reasons. I also found out that I would've been aborted if they had the money. Again, I thank god for the upbringing I had and the family that still loves me and is there for me.

Answer 13

I haven't found out too much only my birth mother's name. I have no other information. The only way it affects my daily life is that it is always on my mind and I think about it always. I am a mum to 5 now and would like to know more to find out what is hereditary. :)

Answer 14

WOW, these answers are really something. I had no idea, there was this kind of outpouring. Really quite remarkable. I just had to comment. I had none of these experiences. I was adopted, and so far it has been a smooth ride.

Answer 15

None. Adoped at 21 days old. Birth Certificate even lists my adoptive Mother and Father in place of biological parents names.

Things have changed a lot on the adoption scene, since my 100% positive first-hand experience some 46 years ago. Kids (especially under age 5, considered 'adoptable') are often at risk of becoming wards of the State since they're the ultimate acquisition for many hopeful fostercare providers. In the name of Human Services, desireable children become a hapless 'carrot-on-a-stick', the somehow deserved reward to those willing to work the system long enough to garner status as a hardworking fostercare provider and outspoken advocate/leader.  A self-sustaining rewards system that offers the ultimate treasure-a placement with a pre-adoptive child, and the chance to become actual parents!

CPS flexes its considerable muscle to affect its wishes, alledging whatever is needed to strip parental rights and creating roadblocks thru ambiguous, unworkable 'family reunification plans'. Little more than busy work, the court remands parents to self-improvement type 'classes' and meetings aimed at fixing whatever social ill you've been diagnosed with. Focused on timely completion of every aspect of the 'plan', its easy to believe there's a defined endpoint to the madness, but such ambiguous goals as,

' Until successfully completed' keep the odds stacked firmly against loving, devoted law-abiding parents. Interminable 'busy work' keeps the parent's focus off of the fact they're relatively helpless to forestall the practised onslaught. Vast resources are used to free up kids. DHHS and CPS realize our kids are their commodity, and work all angles to ensure a steady supply.

Man, I'm a bit off-topic, but I'm kind of sensitive, an adoptee  who's lost his own 3 year old daughter to a forced adoption.

But that was six years ago that they took her away, and changed her name.

Since then I've grown only in bitterness.

I know it sounds unbelieveable, but it happened to me and Erin Maree, and our family was needlessly destroyed, changed forever by the 'helping hands' of Kern County, CA.

Thanks for your patience, forgive my wordiness.

Good Luck with your quest, make informed decisions.

Best wishes.

A Sad Ex-Dad, Omnisource