For those adoptees who dislike adoption, what is your opinion on breastfeeding an adopted child?

Question

I wondered if this opinion may be different in those with negative adoption thoughts/experiences.

My son is now 3 months old, we adopted him at 5 days old. Because I was still breastfeeding my previous son until a couple of months before our new son arrived, I have been able to breastfeed him all the way along, as I did my bio kids.

Do adoptees who are unhappy with adoption feel this is a good or bad thing, and why? Thanks for the time.

Answer 1

The thought of this is just gross to me.

Answer 2

From the natural mothers point of view, this I am sorry to say disgusts me. From a medical point of view I can see the value of the added immunities. However that being said, you would do more for your child by honoring his grief at the loss of his mother, by acknowledging it. To do this one must put themself in the frame of mind that while you gained a son, he lost the only mother he has ever known. It is trauma plain and simple, he has lost his whole world, and from that adopted children often find it hard to attach and bond. They have the experience of losing what is most important to them, let them grieve and prove to them that you will not leave them no matter what. Sounds a bit odd doesn't it and you may be asking what that has to do with breastfeeding. Simply put breastfeeding while good for them in and of itself does not replace what the child has lost and all you can do is support your child and help them with the grief. Yes he is an infant but it is still very important for you to say to him "Yes I know you miss your mommy and I am so sorry you don't have her, but I am here and I love you and I will be here for you" Those things will help the bond you have and promote healthy healing for your son.

Answer 3

breast feeding is the way to go

Answer 4

I think it is great to nurse an adopted child - as long as the baby, the mother, and if it is an open adoption, the first mother is comfortable with it.

I know at least one first mother who was in an open adoption agreement when the adoptive mother nursed the baby in front of her.  The first mom had no idea - the adoptive mother never discussed it with her.  I thought that was pretty darned insensitive on the part of the adoptive mother.  She had to have known (well-maybe not) how hurtful that was with no warning at all.  What a clod!

Answer 5

Each to their own

Answer 6

why shouldn't you breastfeed your baby if you can?

you have the breastmilk and are willing to breastfeed and the baby will latch on then go for it.

good for you!

Answer 7

Wow!  Who would have even thought that an adoptive mother could breast feed - we just assume she isn't / wasn't pregnant or what ever.

He is your child now...

Answer 8

i wasnt adopted, but i think that if you are kind enough to share the biggest connection between a mother and child i think there is nothing wrong with that, it mean that you love so much u share the love with the baby well done

Answer 9

I'm not an adoptee, and wont state and opinions on adoption but YEAH!  GOOD FOR YOU!  The amount of good you are doing for that baby is immeasurable.  I commend you in the absolute highest regard for breastfeeding an adopted baby, and I can think of no better gift to give a baby.

Answer 10

May I ask, why are you just asking for "adoptees who are unhappy with adoption" to answer you.  Usually, in my experience, unhappy adults, (or children )who were adopted have not had the love and family attention that the adoptees who are very happy with themselves, had.

I am a mother of five adult children (adopted from birth) and if I had known then that it IS possible for a mother who has not given birth to a child, to breast feed.  I would have jumped at it.  The closeness and bonding of breast feeding is something that gives the child that extra bit of something.

My children have mentioned this to me, that (laughing) good job you didn't know about breastfeeding when we were babies, you wouldn't have stopped breastfeeding until we were five or six."   What they mean by that is that knew the love I gave them, as their mother, could not have been any more than what I had given them. However, I feel I could have got more closer, if that was possible, if the knowledge about breasfeeding had been available.

Why ask people who are unhappy about what has happened to them, for this kind of advice.  Thank God my children are not in that category.

Just for your info.  One of reasons I saw that adopted children didn't feel as close to their parents, as mine did.

I used to hear them say, "Yes, this is our own and this is our adopted child"  and other comments like that.  They separated the birth children from their adopted children.

I always used to say "These are my children" end of comment.   (for those of you that now saying to yourself, yes but she didn't have her "own" child as well, your wrong. I ended up with six children, five adopted and one pregnancy and I never, NEVER created a difference, in any way, regarding the six.

Also, one dear family that I know, that had all the best intentions in the world, although I did advise them to do otherwise - did not tell their children they were adopted, as if there was a stigma attached. Later their children were angry that this  had been hidden from them, as if the parents had been ashamed of the fact.

Be proud of your child, he/she is your child.  Be that child's mother, in all ways both in actions and in words and you cannot go wrong. Sorry about this long notation but I just had to remark about Kim's answer.  I feel that the meaning of the word  MOTHER should be changed.  I am their MOTHER and they feel the same way about me.

Answer 11

I'm happy for you.

If you brestfeed this child and raise him you are  the best mother in the world. Be happy and enjoy your motherhood moments.

Answer 12

'Dislike adoption' is a blanket statement.  I believe that adoption should be a last resort.

That said, I suppose your wet-nursing your son is fine (certainly cheaper than formula) but I hope with all the extra estrogen floating around-- is not clouding your brain.  Whatever 'bonding' 'attachment' crapola you're hoping for isn't going to come from feeding another woman's child.  Adopted kids all 'wake up' (some more than others) and realize how different they are from the people who raised them.  Breast milk will not change that.

The best and kindest thing you can do for this child is to be honest, honor their natural family, respect and encourage their innate qualities that will be different from yours, and help him/her find their family asap.

And please, don't throw up the, "but I even breast fed you" line at a later date!  NO one needs your lactation baggage.

To Maureen S.:  5 adopted kids, and everyone is just 'happy, happy adoption is wonderful' HA! Either you've got 5 of the least introspective, interesting children on the planet, OR you're completly DELUDING yourself.  I'm guessing it's the latter.  The odds are against you.

Answer 13

I was adopted and i believe that breastfeeding would have made a huge difference to my life. Probably for the bonding alone, let alone the nutrients. Good on you.

Answer 14

There is nothing wrong with you breast feeding "your" son. If you adopted him, and it's nothing wrong with you that would make your breast milk harmful then there is nothing wrong with it. A lot of people feel like if a child is adopted you aren't their real "mother" but truth is that you are. A mother isn't someone who gives life a mother is someone who supports life. So, if you decided that breast feeding your new baby was the best thing to do then good for you. Anyone that thinks it's gross will just be people who think you aren't his real mother.

Answer 15

I have no personal experience in this situation, but I can add that historically children of the wealthy were breastfed by wet-nurses.  This practice went on for centuries.  So there is a lot of precedent for what you are doing.  I am sure it could only have a positive effect.

Just a note: as an option, I like adoption.  It could be a wonderful system, but it needs reform to make it honest for adoptees and supportive of the vulnerabilities of both adoptive and natural parents.

Answer 16

It's natural. If you look at apes, other mothers breast feed children all the time. I wouldn't give it a moment's thought. You are the child's mother are you not?? Adopted or otherwise, you are his mother.

Answer 17

It's absolutely a great idea for attachment.  Adoptive mothers can often be successful at breastfeading , even if they aren't already lactating.

Edited to add:  Julie R. -   Studies  show that breastfeeding absolutely CAN help foster attachment between an adopted child and adoptive mother.  It is not just a "pleasant experience". And it is not just good nutritionally.   It  absolutely IS a bonding experience.  Yes, a child's biological mother's smell is imprinted and breastfeeding is very natural and helps foster attachment due to that.  Breastfeeding with an adoptive mother may not be as natural of a desire at first for an adoted infant, but breastfeeding an adopted child will imprint the adoptive mother's smell in the adopted child's brain and foster attachment.  That's exactly why it is great for attachment.

Answer 18

I'm an adoptee and a nursing mother. The benefits of human milk are wonderful. However the best milk for a baby is the milk of his mother...the second best is her expressed breast milk and the third best alternative is donor milk. The best thing for baby would be to support the breastfeeding relationship with his/her mother, and obviously stall on signing termination papers until she had a chance to mother and decide she truly didn't want to parent her child. I realize that would rarely be much of an option to aparents.

In the case of adoption, a baby doesn't care what the papers say, the amomma is still a stranger until the passage of time makes the person familiar.  I guess it's a well-intentioned effort by amoms to wet nurse their adoptive babies....but it still seems kind of icky and sad to me, but it's probably better than formula.

Answer 19

In general, adoptive breastfeeding gives me the creeps because it involves all this artificiality--tubes and formula, like a mad scientist kit designed to convince the baby.

But you have your own milk.  Why not let the baby drink it?  Maybe it will help with attachment.

Answer 20

I believe in adoption, and I believe in breastfeeding, but I don't think the two goes hand in hand, and plus if you adopted where did the breast milk come from?

Answer 21

I have heard of this a number of times and always thought it was very amazing especially those women who were not lactating and made themselves lactate in order to breastfeed. What an amazing mom you are..

http://www.mothering.com/discussions/

Here is a link to another forum, there are quite a few adoptive moms on there who breastfed their adoptive children. I belong to this forum and it is a wonderful community for alternative parenting practices. It might help if you are wanting to talk with other mothers who have done this for support.

Answer 22

As long as you understand that, by breastfeeding your adopted child, you are providing him merely with some immunities and (assuming you body is not too riddled with environmental toxins), providing him with something superior to *formula*, I think it's fine.  

But I hope you are also aware that breastfeeding one's natural child provides more benefits to the child than the above.  

The infant imprints on his natural mother in utero via the amniotic fluid.  That scent is on the mother's nipple, and serves not only to feed him but to enhance the bond that started in utero.  That is something that you are unable to provide your adopted child.  For him, it is most likely a pleasant feeding experience but not a bonding experience.