For those adoptees who feel they've come out of a fog...?

Question

What do you think changed your perception of adoption?

I do not mean to imply that any adoptee is in a fog. But since many adoptees do describe an experience like coming out of a fog, I'm curious what brought about the shift for those adoptees.

Answer 1

Well it is a huge change in  ones live whe you find your parent/parents. Because for so long you  can't do anything but think and wonder , and then to  one day find the answers it sets you back a step, not in a negetive way . ITs just all hits you at once and that is where my "fog" set in. and its nothing you or anyone can prepare you for. You just have to be strong and pray that one day you will be at peace. i just pray that we all make through the "fog"

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Answer 2

I didn't know there was a fog either.  I didn't find out about my adoptive status until I was 31.  At the time, I was going through a divorce so the adoption issue got back-burnered.  My a'rents continued to deny that I was adopted - and I never confronted them about it.  Never.

Adoption wasn't an issue until I realized (duh!) that I had another identity, another family.  This took about 10 years.  It started when I found my original name in the birth index.  That was the first concrete, in-writing proof that I used to be someone else.  Years later, I got my non-ID from the state and found out that I was half Irish.  Even more years later - I found people online who had the same status - "adult adoptee".  Reading their stories, getting encouragement - last year I contacted the agency that held my records and found out it was my first mother who had given me my uncommon name.  I had assumed my a'rents had picked me up at the hospital and had given me my first name (they had told me they were "so happy" when I was born they named me Gaye).  WRONG WRONG WRONG  I was in foster care for five months!  My a'rents liked the name I already had so they kept it.

Reading my more detailed non-ID, I'm realizing how many of my traits and quirks came from my first mom and her family.  All those things that are "it's just the way I am" - it's her too.  I'd like to meet her someday, if she's still alive.

Answer 3

Great question. I think having children of my own changed my perception.

I dont know itf its because I am at a calm point in my life now, or if its because I just grew up and became more aware of feelings that had been biteing me for years!

I enjoy my little adoption bubble :)

Answer 4

I know what you mean.i did not realise i was in a fog till i saw the light,so to speak!.my "fog" lasted my whole life until around 2 years ago.it was only when i accepted my bfamilies,and was comfortable with the situation that i finally felt "free" of the burden of everything-of wondering who my bmother was,to the stress and disappointment of 12 years searching,to finally finding her,and following the emotional rollercoaster ride that lasted from 1999 to approx 2006!. it is only now that i am able to like/love myself and accept that i can put everything in the past.i could not even really hold down a relationship for long,as i think i scared guys off with my emotions.i have finally met a guy who understands me,and does not think i am crazy.i really feel ready to move on,and now i want to involve my self in adopting children from Foster Care.i guess for me,working through all the stress and confusion and coming out the other end is similar to a butterfly shaking free of it's cocoon and showing it's true colours,and to fly freely!.i now see adoption as a way to help others,not a way for me to wallow in my sadness and grief.i am free!.

Answer 5

In a word, REUNION.

Before reunion I didn't have to face the the obvious fact that I'd been unplanned.  I didn't have to face the reality of having been raised without my ENTIRE natural family.  

Reunion.

Answer 6

I think I'm reading these questions in the wrong order...  but here's what I wrote on the other "fog" related questions:

[ I've only heard the term "fog" used on one site.

I think what you're referring to is the "Great Sleep" that was coined by the author and adoptee, Betty Jean Lifton. She covers it in a chapter in Lost & Found: The Adoption Experience, written in 1984.]

I was never really in a 'great sleep' because I always thought adoption was BS.  That said, all adoptees HAVE to repress a great deal, or else they'll act out (the prisons and residential treatment centers are filled with those adoptees) or go numb.  I spent much of my childhood quite numb.  Repressing feelings, secrets, and lies any reasonably intelligent human couldn't help but recognize is the opposite of mental health.

I decided to search after reading an article about adoption & searching when I was 21. When I went to my first meeting of adult adoptees, any mist that existed was lifted--in a hurry! And I knew I would never be a healthy adult without opening that box. My box. I wanted to KNOW, and wanted to begin the rest of my life with that knowledge.

Like Elizabeth, I thought knowing would FIX all that was wrong with being adopted.  It doesn't.  My friend who is an alcoholic in recovery says he will never be a a cucumber again--he will always be a pickle.  Living as an alcoholic changed who he was forever.

Living as the child of strangers, (whether it was a good OR bad experience) and in the dark about your origins for a couple decades-- alters you forever--and makes you separate from the non-adopted.

Fog or no fog, I believe adoptees have more in common emotionally than not.

Answer 7

Good question phil.

For me, i believe it was a few things. I was hovering the fence almost in and out of foggy land for a while. Searching was really hard, it left me in a constant hover of feelings and conflict of feelings, but it was the reunion, and embracing one at that, that allowed me to find validation in myself and who I was. Ultimately I think that was a huge turning point for me.

Instead of feeling like the olive sheep, suddenly I belonged. I knew my people, and they even looked just like me. Don't get me started on my mom and I, our laugh, mannerisms right down to the way we hold a cup and drink both of our pinkies stick straight out with a little curve as we sip. Our smiles, eyes, favorite foods. One of my moms little "things" is betty boop. She LOVES betty boop. When I found her my email was boopbdoop and thats why she read my email. Or else she would have deleted it for spam.

The list goes on and on. I lived my life pre-reunion feeling "tainted" "the odd one" "something was wrong with me" and then, i found my people, who were JUST like me.

I spent today with my aunt, my dads sister, and it was incredibly strengthening. I look at her, and I see me. It helped me feel GOOD about myself. Believing in myself is when I had the strength to go against the grain, question the beliefs that HURT me, and find a truth of my own.

This is ONLY for me, because I know plenty of "awake" adoptees who aren't in reunion. This is only for me and what helped me find the strength to wake up and find a grounding for my feet.

Answer 8

well, it took another 10 + years.  more like 20, to realize i was in a fog.

so i was nearly 38 or something before i realized it.

the fog is when you still believe adoption is "so great~!!!"  oh......and i have "nothing but love for adoption!"

my reality changed when i heard of other adoptees feeling isolated and effed up.  when i heard of other people feeling what i always hid.

i always hid that i didn't feel right.

bleech.

Answer 9

Hi Phil

It was the path to  reunion that started it although I was still fogged but it was Theresa's blog and Amy Adoptee and Possums Place and then AAAFC That pulled me right through it

T H A N K GOD

Answer 10

I was never in a fog thinking that adoption was a good or right thing to do. I've always hated adoption. Well since I was 4 years old and crying horribly on my birthday, wishing for my mother and wondering why I was so bad my own mother didn't want me.

I did, however, go through a "reunion" fog. Thinking reunion would fix things; thinking reunion would right a wrong, and make adoption (for me) go away completely.

Obviously that didn't work.