For those in reunion...?

Question

As most of you probably know or have an impression by now, I am a transracial adoptee who has been in online contact with my original family for a while now.

However, that's not saying much as I do not have adequate communication skills in Chinese, and so what took me about 2 years to learn probably would have only taken me a few weeks to learn if I spoke the same language enough to understand a basic conversation.

So, out of curiousity - what's it like being in contact with a (biological) family that you speak the language with? How often do you see each other? Do you have certain time "set" for calling or do you just call every once in a while during the evening? What are family vacations like, are you involved or is there a certain type of "family vacation" that excludes the adoptee?

In advance, I apologize if this question is a bit sensitive since I have seen that not all adoptees have successful reunions, nor are all adoptees even so much as acknowledged by their biological families.

Answer 1

We talk pretty regularly on the phone.  My dad and I both get off work about the same time, so we like to talk on the way home sometimes.  We live a few hours away from each other, and both work full time.  So, it's not like we see each other all the time, but we do get together several times a year.  We do vacations together sometimes, as well.  Because neither of us is in a situation where we have young children, neither of us has the traditional "family vacation" scenario anyway.   What's nice, though, is that he and his wife have made it clear that I'm welcome to stay at their house anytime, even if they aren't at home.  I like the trust factor in that.  My dad just called the other day hoping to get away from work and make it down here later this week.  Hopefully, we can make that happen.    

Answer 2

We were seeing our daughter 3 or 4 times a year, but we have not been able to get together lately due to some personal problems she has been having but we email and send letters and pictures regularly. We have had a happy reunion and I'm happy that she doesn't feel like a few of the adoptees who frequent this forum do.

Answer 3

I could 'ditto' almost everything Gershom said...except the 2001 part.  My reunion started in 2004.  Also, I’m a transracial adoptee, too, but I didn’t KNOW I was until my reunion.  Hard to believe?  It was for me, too.  Read on.

(Please note that my use of “birth” terms is as they appear on the non-id sheet, not by my preference.)  My one-page typed non-id paper lists my natural parents’ races as follows:

Birthfather: English, White American

Birthmother: White American, Scottish, English, German

Boy was I in for a surprise when I first had contact with my natural father.  I learned that not only was he NEITHER “English”, nor “White American” but that his mother is Native American!  Which means, so is he.  Which means, so am I.  It did explain a lot of things to me, though.  I feel for late-discovery adoptees in that way.  I'm a "late-discovery" Native American.

Well, that shock aside, here’s how my reunion has gone.

I had been posting my contact info (sort of) on every reunion registry, search site, etc. that I could find – and that was free – since about 2000.  Before that, all my searching was done off-line: ISRR, ALMA, and letters in my file at the agency that handled my adoption and others (not mine) that help with reunions.  I had a letter in with Vital Statistics in the state where I was born and the (different) state where I was adopted.

In 2004 I received an email from my natural mom.  We began to correspond through email (with one technical hiccup) at that time and to begin with we were each sending 3-4 emails a day.  The emails kept pretty constant for about 7 months and then she invited me to ‘meet’ her in the middle (we live over 2100 miles apart) – just the two of us and entirely at her expense.  She is well-off and could easily afford the trip for both.  We were of the same mind, in that we wanted it to be ‘just us’ the first time we met face-to-face.  Knowing that if one of us traveled to the other’s home (state), we would be bombarded by the family (my adopted family or OUR natural family) she concocted the brilliant plan to ‘run away’ together.  

We met for a long weekend and it was one of the best times of my life!  About 2 months after that, armed with his name, I was able to track down my natural father and contacted him via his best friend.  He emailed back and that has been my primary means of contact with my natural dad.  I’ve been to visit my mother and my entire family (and her step-family) twice where she lives and my hubby and I have ‘vacationed’ once with them to the Outer Banks in NC for the entire week of Thanksgiving (2006).  We are hoping it will work out that we can go again this year.  As it now stands, my dad and I email each other about 1-2 times a month and my mom, sister, brothers, step-brothers, sister-in-law, step-dad, cousins, etc. email each other several times a week.  With my mom, it can vary a lot but it’s never ‘awkward’ and, as far as I’m concerned, I’m “all in”.  I am consulted on family decisions; even though they have no ‘legal’ obligation to do so (I am the ‘big sister’ after all.)  My mother asked for my SSN a while back (about 1 year into reunion) so she could add me to their will.  Her exact words were, “When [step-dad] and I got married, we both already had kids.  We decided together that ‘all our kids’ are all OUR kids – that includes you!”  Between them, there are 6 kids total, including me.  I did not ask for this inclusion (I would never be so bold) but they gave it freely and with all of their heart.  My siblings’ response to all this was that it was completely natural.  Since they had ‘always’ known about me, their feeling was that they were all just waiting for me to come back.  My inclusion was a no-brainer to them.  It was automatic.  I’ve never felt more like I am a natural part of something than I do with my natural family.

Your comment that it has taken you 2 years to learn what you might have learned in a few weeks if you shared a common language with (or spoke the native language of) your mother just broke my heart!  I remember so well the exhilaration of those first few days, weeks and months of learning about one another.  I can’t even fathom having that hindered by a language barrier.  I’m so sorry.  I can’t even imagine how hard that makes things.

(((Mei-Ling)))

My heart goes out, also, to all those in difficult reunions, still awaiting reunion, or who found something other than they hoped for.  My adopted brother is one of these, as well.  I hope you are hanging in there and that it will just get better and better with time.  My heart is with you in your reunion process – and with your mother and families!

Take care!

p.s.  Sorry it's so long.  

Answer 4

I have been in reunion for the last 8 years and I can say that being in contact with my natural family is /fantastic/. There is nothing like it in the world- their features reflected in mine, even my own interests and tastes in music, and the sound of their voices compared to my own.

As for your second question- whether we see each other often- I can tell you quite truthfully that I now live with my natural family have done so now for more than half our reunion. In many ways it is as if I was never taken by that adoptive family.

For calling times, I'm afraid I don't remember the frequency of the phone calls earlier in our reunion. I can tell you though that we frequently communicated by instant messenger and email more than phone calls early in the reunion and then things grew from there. Currently in the reunion with my father(I live with my mom and they never married), we do try to phone each other at least once every couple of weeks, though sometimes its over a month and I get angry at him for not phoning *me* and finding out whats up. In that relationship I always seem to be the one to phone and not him.

Lastly, I haven't ever been excluded from vacations with my family.

I hope this helps somehow.

And hang in there- things will come together eventually.

Answer 5

I was adopted at birth and I met my biological parents in 1996. They ended up getting married in 1980, a year after I was born. They had another daughter 7 years after giving me up.

At first, we all couldn't get enough of each other. We called each other at least once a week and visited once every month or so. They only lived about a half hour away from me! I went away to go to college and hated it. So I dropped out. They stopped talking to me because they were so disappointed in me. We didn't talk for 2 years. Then my biological mother looked up my address and sent me a birthday card out of the blue. I was so happy! So I called them and we started talking again. Some time went by and for whatever reason, they then stopped communicating with me again. I'm still not sure why. I took my (then) fiance to meet them and told them I wanted them to come to my wedding. They acted really funny about it. I sent them an invitation and they didn't even RSVP.

My sister (who moved out of state right after high school) and I email each other every once in awhile, but we don't have a really close relationship. I'm just happy to know that she thinks of me!

At first, I felt so disappointed in the whole situation, but now I realize that I'm lucky that I was even able to meet them. I know who I look like, talk like, even walk like! I know that my biological parents have a ton of issues that don't pertain to me, and I'm not necessarily mad at them for blowing me off, yet again. I wish things had turned out a little differently, but I can't change them. I still love them.

Answer 6

I've been in reunion since 2001. I'm a transracial adoptee too, but I was a domestic adoptee. We were calling eachother a lot, but I have pulled back recently. We do this, so thats just what happens. I need to start calling more, i miss her.

Once in a while we get together. We have a lot of land between us so its hard.

I could be the poster above me's daughter for all she knows.