For those of you that feel adoption has a bright side, why do you post here?

Question

Just wondering what everyone's thoughts were on this topic, and what sort of info you were looking out for?

Answer 1

as a firstmom, i don't have any issues with people who, like you NL, adopt children who were abandoned, abused, or whatever. perhaps you should make that clear in your posts. i don't think they are very many, if any who would have an issue with that. as a matter of fact, i don't understand why these children aren't the first ones to be picked from? perhaps, you need to realize that the anger is at the AP who go after the BABIES of women / girls who need help and support getting on their feet, not being told by others that they should give their child a "better home". how horrible. would you want to hear that while you were pregnant? the anger is from first mothers who were lied to.

first mothers find out very quickly after being surrounded by a great support group while pregnant, and hearing alot of propaganda and basically being brainwashed that this is the greatest act of "love and kindness" they can give their child. then when the ink is dry on the paper and they are kicked to the curb. they find out that what people may say in public, is not necessarily what they say in private. they find out that people are very judgemental about women who give their children up for adoption. for example, they can be at work and someone who is an adoptee, may say, "i never want to know my biological mother, because she could have kept me and didn't." or someone who doesn't know about a first moms past may say, "i don't understand how any woman could ever give her child up for adoption." i am speaking from first hand experience. there's soooo much more. believe me, i've heard enough negatives to last a lifetime. i sat next to an adoptee and she was going through some issues and the anger she had at her first mom was .... sad. then the girl across from her chimes in about being adopted .... what an emotional treat that was for me. they have no clue as to what happened to their first mom. no, i didn't say anything because i learned many years ago that they would not hear or understand what i had to say. i had tried before and got shut down.

giving a child away for adoption is worse than losing a child to death.

a firstmom learns to never talk about what she did. she has to pretend she doesn't know anything about being pregnant, when she has to listens to everyone else talk about their experience. she has to go to everyone else's baby shower and suck in the pain.

when her baby is taken away, she doesn't have a group of family and friends that come to mourn with her. there's no one to talk to every year on the anniversary of the loss of her child. no one. she has to endure listening to people tell her that if she hadn't been sleeping around, she wouldn't have gotten into that situation. i've heard that sooooooooo many times. not everyone birthmom wants to tell the truth about what happened. some were raped. alot of guys leave them high and dry. very few get pregnant with the hopes that they can one day give their child up for adoption. they probably had every intention of keeping the child, but then their situation became so unbearable, they FELT LIKE THEY HAD NO OTHER CHOICE. THAT'S WHAT NEEDS TO CHANGE. THEIR NEEDS TO BE PEOPLE AND PLACES IN PLACE TO HELP THESE WOMEN KEEP THAT CHILD. some aren't even aware that they can make it, and how to go about it.

when a mother loses her child to death, there's closure. it's horrible, don't get me wrong, but she has people there to mourn with her. to take care of her. that always remember and understand every year that she lost a child. she can go through a healing process. a firstmom never gets that. i know of a firstmom who lost a child through adoption and another one through death. she said the loss of her child through adoption was much worse. i can't argue with someone who has walked in those shoes. i don't know many who can have both perspectives and i wouldn't wish the loss of a child on anyone to find out.

i have seen AP who have lost their child when the first mother changes her mind. they are headline news. the first mom is made out to be horrid. the AP's get all kinds of sympathy and support, but how many times have you seen a first mom on national news after she gets the devasting news that the AP have lied and cut her off from the few measly pictures and updates she was promised?

best wishes.

Answer 2

They have nothing good to say about the subject, NL, because they have either been cheated or manipulated and NO ONE seems to care!  All you hear about adoption is the perspective of the adopting couple.  You NEVER hear a realistic account of the h**l that adoption is for the Mother and you RARELY hear about all of the problems that adopted children have when they get older which stem directly from the adoption.  

Adoption is not some big hallmark card situation full of sunshine, kittens, and flowers.  The only people who truly benefit in the case of adoption are the adopting couple because they are getting what they think they want.  The Mother is manipulated and cheated out of her own child and the child, more often than not, has intimacy and abandonment issues later in life.  

Even in so-called "open adoptions," the Mother is manipulated.  Most of the time, adoptions that start out "open" are closed within 2 years by the adopting couple who either bore or tire of the situation dealing with the Mother.  Since the Mother has virtually NO rights, she is powerless to stop the couple from hijacking her child and then refusing to follow the policies within the "open" adoption.  After the Mother hands her child over, her rights are over.  Many adopting couples know this and exploit it.  In fact, there's even a book out now, I believe it's called The Fast Adoption, or something similar, in which a Woman describes how to effectively exploit the Mother by promising an "open" adoption and then refusing to let her see the child after birth.  This book is a best seller.  

I don't think adoption has a bright side.  We, as a society, should be doing everything in our power to keep families together, not ripping them apart.  And I've seen the devestation that adoption can do first hand within my family.  The Mother never recovers.  Unlike the death of a child or an abortion, there is no closure for her in an adoption.  The child typically has adjustment problems and intimacy and abandonment issues within their own future relationships.  

THAT is the reality.  If you want to look at adoption, you have to see all of its ugly faces, not just the sunny side that we're used to seeing.

Peace,

Jenn

Answer 3

Because of the joy that my 3 adopted children have brought into our lives.  I don't understand the bitterness of some people, who have absolutely nothing good to say about the subject.

EDIT:  In our case, each of our three children was severely abused and neglected by their respective mothers.  One of the mothers was given every service imaginable to help her get her life together, so she could get her kids back while they were in foster care with us.  She was given chance after chance, and blew it each time.  At one point she told her caseworker that it was ok with her if she lost these two, because she'd just have more.  And she did.  How would it have been better for these two kids of hers that we ended up adopting to remain with her, or even placed back there?  She wouldn't follow the stipulations or guidelines imposed on her by the court orders.  The two kids she later had are now with their father.  You can't totally dismiss the idea of adoption due to a negative experience you or someone else might have had.  Think about kids that went through what mine did before going into foster care then subsequently being adopted.  The care they received - or didn't receive - before being with us would break your heart.  No child should ever have to live like they did, and no one in their right mind would want to send a child back to a parent who refuses to care for them properly, despite all the helpful services she received.  Please - have the good sense to admit that there are cases where adoption IS in the best interest of the child.  I'm all for intact families, but what kind of a family is best?  One that provides for the child's needs, or neglects them?

EDIT #2 - and to you who gave me a thumbs down - WHY???  Are you so narrowminded that you can't see any good at all in adoption?  Take off your blinders, for goodness sake.

Answer 4

I agree with what A Healing Adoptee is saying.

I am here to learn, but some people use passive agressive language and sarcasm to answer questions and that just inflames people and results in name calling.  I ultimately ignore those questions.

Anyway, that's just my opinion FWIW.

Answer 5

Personally, if some one had a good adoption, I really don't care that they post here. Because I feel that any person either adopted and or prospective adopted parents should see both sides. Being well informed can help the adoptive parent understand their child, or an adopted person the feelings that they are having. I feel personally that by coming here i understand a little bit more of why i'm feeling the way i do. I don't hate my adopted parents, i'm not hateful or angry. When i answer questions though i try to be open and honest. Are there some who don't want to hear about the pain that adopted kids go though? Yes, sadly there are those out there that don't want that. But on the other side there are adopted parents that go through certian pains that others don't want to hear. This is such a charged subject, with strong feelings on both sides.

Answer 6

true what i have heard about teenage girls / unprepared mothers who give up child for finance reasons believe it is gonna be open and then adopted parents lose contact with mom.  there are many kids who do not know until adult that they are not natural.  it feels deceiptful and causes a lack  of trust  . trust essential for all the childs future relationships personal and business.   all for a parents who could provide a little more money to buy what they couldn't  get and obviously say they would prfer natural.  adopted is 2nd choice and that is often not appreciated by the kid   .  2 very opposite situations  .. these are tough situations and not all made for tv happy ending movie dramas.

Answer 7

As a potential adoptive parent...I feel that it is our duty to make sure that adoption is as ethical as it can be.  That means, in my opinion, adopting true orphans, or abandoned, abused children, not a healthy newborn that might have a biological relative out there who wants to raise them.  I know this is not a popular opinion, but, when it comes down to it, I don't want a child just because I want a child.  I want to offer a home to a child who may not have one.  I do NOT want to steal a child from its family.

There is a need for adoption.  There probably always will be, as we live in an imperfect world.  However, it is our duty (and the right of the children we adopt) to make sure that we are not expanding our family unethically.  I am NOT saying I want to "save" a child, but...we have a home, we want children, why not adopt a child who needs a home/family?  No, we are not looking into domestic newborn adoption, because I feel that in most cases, the baby is better off with their biological families.  Even if we had all the money in the world, that would still be my opinion.  

I feel it is up to the adoptive parents to make sure that adoption is done for the right reasons.  

I am not making myself clear, I know that, but...I feel strongly about ethics and adoption, and I really feel that the domestic newborn adoption in this country is messed up, and I hope, someday, that there will be a solution to it, so that women, who really do want to place their baby up for adoption, don't feel used and abused by the system.

Answer 8

For those of you who don't think adoption has a bright side...Please read "A Boy Called It" and "The Lost Boy".  They are the true tales of a child beaten / abused by his own bio mother and his story on his life as an abused child trying to find a home!

Answer 9

I am not sure what the big deal is.

If a child is placed for adoption it is for the sole reason that it is BETTER FOR THE CHILD INVOLVED. If a parent is choosing to place a child up for adoption that is what is better for the child. Is it fair to the child to be confused as they grow, to have different parents fighting over who gets to see the child and when?? No way. Is it fair to adoptive parents that have chosen to give a child a loving home, have their lives constantly upset or interupted by a birth parent that made the decision to place that child for adoption because they think they have the right to do so?? No way.

Some of you may be angry at my comments, but I am adopted and so is my brothers. We all have had the choice when we grew up to CHOOSE to make contact with our birth parents if we wanted. We all made our own decisions. There is no ugly side to adoption, other than the ugliness that the adults create in the childs lives as a result of interference or jelousy. It comes down to what is best for the child - plain and simple.

Answer 10

I think adoption can have a wonderful side, when you take a child that truly has no alternative but to be raised outside of family, don't change the child's name, acknowledge the child's grief, and provide that child with a solid, committed foundation in life.

Would like to see that happen more often, you know finding homes for children, all too often today it is finding children for needy homes

Answer 11

Just for the record:  I do believe adoption has a bright side.  For me the bright side is that I was fortunate enough to be adopted by a couple of wonderful, loving people.  

I still want my voice to be heard about the dark side.  The dark and the bright are two sides of the same thing.  You can't have one without the other.

ETA amazing answer, Morgaine.  Well said.

Answer 12

I believe every child deserves to grow up in a loving family with at least one parent they can call Mommy or Daddy.

Sadly, that's not always possible with the child's natural parents.  When that's the case, I believe adoption can be a wonderful alternative.

Some people just plain don't want to be parents and forcing them to keep their baby can mean the baby will be horribly abused or neglected.

Then there's death.  People with children can and do die.  They aren't immune from death just because they have small children.  Don't those children deserve to have a family to call their own?  Should they just be stuck in an orphanage and be raised by people that don't love and treasure them just because they were unlucky enough to have their parents die while they were too young to take care of themselves?

Answer 13

the bright side to adoption is when it's done with the original mission in mind:  to provide homes for unwanted/abused/parentless children.

ironcially...there are millions of children lingering in foster care, while supporters of adoption use the plights of these children to defend the culture of newborn adoption.

however, when adoption is sold as "a means for an infertile couple to have a child" as is the case in the US and Canada, my dander goes up.

bottom-line: secondary to medical and idiopathic causes for infertility , most people who can not have biological children did not consider parenting during their peak fertility years.  and no young, scared pregnant girl should be guilted into giving up her child to someone who chose to p**s away their fertility.

sorry folks...

oh..and the "child called it" would probably not be the child that most would want...  if that were the case, i doubt any reformists on here would waste the time, developing carpal-tunnel syndrome to post so much about the need for refom.

Answer 14

I am looking for diverse opinions and balance.  I also post here to try to protect innocent expectant parents who come here looking for information to help them make the most difficult choice of their lives.  Instead of getting encouragement and support they are blatantly solicited for their babies.  I try to stop that.  It is unethical.