For those of you that feel adoption has a dark side, why do you post here?

Question

Ther seems to be a plethora of suggestions that those of us who found adoption harmful are evil and hate adoptive parents, call them baby-stealers, stalk, and want people to kill themselves. I don't.

I do want to raise awareness about what the realities of adoption can be like for the child, I do want mothers to know they have an intrisic and irreplaceable role in their children's life, I do want adoptive parents to know that their children are normal to have issues, and to be sensitive to them, I do want other adoptees to know if they struggle that they are not alone.

From my pov adoption always involves loss, but I don't think it should be thrown out, just changed. I do think people should stop suggesting to adoptees that they should just be happy they weren't aborted, but they have worth and the right to their feelings. I do want natural parents and adoptive parents to know what they are signing up for. I had caring aparents, and I care for them, although I shouldn't have to

Answer 1

I post here so that people who are considering giving up their babies will see what it does to the babies, I post here so that adoptive parents will understand that its going to be a hard road ahead of them and that they need to be understanding.  I don't hate adoption, but I don't like it either.  My views are not so black and white that I would say no to all adoption.  I am well aware that there are reasons where it would be best.  

I don't stalk or harass people on here, as some would have you believe.  In fact I think nothing of yahoo answers except when I"m on this page.  There is a certain person on here who seems to think that I/we care about them personally.  I honestly don't, I am just trying to make a small difference by sharing my views and stories.

Answer 2

As an an adult adoptee and a former psychotherapist, I feel it's important to show the negative side due to the fact that except for the internet, an occasional talk show, the only other place to find it are in mental health journals. Before the internet came along, I had to SCOUR the professional journals to even find a mention of the negative effects of adoption. Why? Because social service agencies, churches, lawyers, etc are heavily invested in making adoption seem like a "win-win" situation ALL of the time.  Also as an adoptee, we were expected to be grateful. We were suppossed to be grateful to our birthparents for not aborting us. We were suppossed to be grateful to our adoptive parents for "taking us in". We were suppossed to be grateful to whomever placed us with our adoptive parents for "caring so much", etc.

Where else in the world as an innocent person  aside from a hostage situation are you suppossed to thank someone for letting you live?

Answer 3

although i changed my mind at the 11th hour and decided to parent my son, i post here because i believe all sides and perspectives have merit. i also think it gives a balanced view to young women who are scared, and looking for advice other than "give up your kid." i think it also provides evidence that not all young, unwed women are incapable of being good mothers and that coercion in adoption DOES occur.

i have experienced the vindictive and coercive techniques used to get young women to place.  i have also read very derogatory things written about women who decide not to place our babies.  we are called, stupid, welfare queens, and contributors to all the social ills. we are called selfish and accused of causing the aparents to experience a "pain equal to the death of a child."  

when i changed my mind, i had to deal with CPS calling me and asking me very intrusive questions because the adoption agency, which purported to "support me during my crisis pregnancy", now wanted to do everything in their power to damage my character to ensure that the rich african-american couple in affluent shaker hts, ohio would get the baby they paid for.  i was even told that "i was probably their last chance at parenthood, since most black girls don't make adoption plans!"  ummm, not my f***ing problem! perhaps they should have thought about that while they were pissing away their fertility, traveling the world, "living la vita loca"; and ranking their child-rearing lower than their career/travels, et al....

i have dealt with guilt, fear, and paranoia that every little thing i did would be scrutinized and they would take my child. i have NEVER used drugs, committed a crime, or did anything that should have made them question my parenting. i was a college student. yet, i was "threatened" that the paper i signed was binding, and i couldn't change my mind.  the paper was consent to release my medical records.

all of this pain i endured was simply because i engaged in non-socially sanctioned s*x, and got pregnant.

for years, i lived in silence cringing at the stories of bmoms who fought for their children, cried out in outrage at how states like Florida enacted legislation to make sure that bmoms couldn't change their minds.

although i can empathize with the pain that aparents experience when an adoption falls though, i fail to understand why it's so difficult to understand why a woman who has endured months of pregnancy, a painful labor and delivery to give birth to a child she loves might wish to parent?

when i look at adoption websites, i read about how a bmom changing her mind is the same as a child's death; or blog entries which purport that all bmoms who changed our minds are scammers looking to get paid.  it's nonsense!!!

i'm tired of being damned by the adoption machine simply because i (and other women like me) chose to parent my child.

Answer 4

Hi Joy,

Great question because adoption does indeed have a dark side.  There are many more negatives than positives.  The positives to adoption seem to be predominately lined up in the adopter's favor.  Adoptees receive the brunt of the adoption losses, and that's wrong & unfair.  We post because we want our voices heard in an attempt to help stop the suffering for future children, dispel the adoption myths, and to suggest reform ideas.  First moms who speak up have also experienced the dark side and would like their stories told too, to warn pregnant women of the dangerous effects to both themselves and their babies.  By the way, sometimes adopters also have dark side knowledge, while others only see a happy win-win-win perspective.

Does that mean adopters should be hated?  No.  Hate is a strong word.  Hate the industry, yes.  Hate the ignorance, yes.  Hate the PAPs and AP's? No, most of them are well-meaning.  They cannot really be blamed because until they recently faced their fertility issues in the last few years, the majority of adopters knew as much about adoption-related issues as the general public does.  It's an ongoing educational process.  Adoptees, on the other hand, we have lived the adoption experience our entire lives so we are very well familiar with this subject!  I want to share my knowledge in an effort to let others know they are not alone.  Many adopters are very receptive because they know it will benefit their adopted children.  Other adopters feel threatened by these revelations and/or close their minds to the possibility that their children will ever experience anything of the sort.  Those are the ones who believe adult adoptees are mean and hateful for making this all up just to rain on their parade.  They are the ones who would only turn to other adopters or to social services for answers.  With all due respect, that is what caused most of the adoption-related problems in the first place.  We adoptees will continue to be here as long as there are problems that need addressing.

As far as why post about the dark side?  Precisely for those reasons.  There really is not much positive to say about adoption as it is practiced in the U.S today.  And the positive we could say, everyone already knows.  The real reasons are to help educate adopters and prospective adopters as to the realities of the adoption world.  Amazingly, some of them have never been exposed to the idea that adoption could be anything other than a wonderful experience for adoptees.  It's not, even in the best of adoptive homes.  It's rewarding to witness people hearing what we have to say & then seeing the lightbulb go off in their comprehension as they recognize the truth for the first time that adoption does have a dark side.  For many years, social workers lied about what parenthood through adoption would be.  We are NOT blank slates.  We are not AS IF born to adopters.  Raising adopted children is NOT the same as raising non-adopted ones.  Social workers now realize this & don't tell prospective parents that anymore.  The first generations of baby scoop era adoptees have grown up and we are able to speak about our truths.  Some adopters are not liking what we have to say and therein lies the source of most conflicts.  We speak our truths, they speak theirs as they know it today.  Tomorrow it could be different as their adopted children grow up & they too express exactly what we are talking about now.

In summary, I speak up to balance the viewpoints.  I speak up to correct the misperceptions & to help expose the unethical practices.  I speak up to educate about the pain & losses the adoption experience creates for the adoptee.  We can and we should do better for the children.  I speak up in order to help reform the system.  Although changes have begun, many more improvements need to be made.  By not speaking up, it implies all is well.  All is NOT well in adoptionland.  I will always respond to the questions about equality for adoptees because that is at the root of most adoption-related issues & I feel once that playing field is level, some of the other problems will also subside.  Sometimes I address the ones who are insensitive in their inquiries (i.e. looking for the fastest way to adopt a cute infant at the cheapest price possible, as if they were shopping, or looking for a pet rather than a human.)  The other reason I post is because you really cannot learn about an issue until you have researched all sides.  It takes reading, listening, & understanding.  I feel there is no total comprehension without the vital input of the good, the bad, the ugly, all of it.  You listed good reasons too Joy, thanks.

julie j

reunited adult adoptee

in favor of adoption REFORM!

Answer 5

I've only started posting recently, but apparently there is a need for adoptive parents that see the dark side of adoption to post, so I've been trying to provide a little balance.

For me personally, adoption has been great so far. But that is the way adoption is >designed<, to be good for adoptive parents. Triad my foot, the triangle is distinctly skewed. And as an adoptive parent of a child from China, one side is missing altogether--what sort of shape does that make? Despite my positive experiences, I'm pretty sure that my daughter will feel a loss. So I come here mostly to listen to adult adoptees (though this is certainly not the only place I go for that!), and possibly to help some potential adoptive parents to become better educated before (or possibly instead of) adopting.

Oh, and there's a little kind of perverse car-wreck-watching in why I have been coming back here--what is up with all the ranting and calling people n***s? I have not seen a justification for that at all!

And thanks so much to all of you adult adoptees (and natural mothers) for your very thoughtful and caring answers. As an adoptive mom I really value your thoughts and feelings so much. My daughter will be following in your footsteps, and I only hope she is as strong and able to stand up for herself and express herself. We really don't all hate you!

Answer 6

Wow...color me stupid and shocked.  I really know very little of the dark side of adoption.  I gave a son up 21 years ago and feel I gave a gift to a loving family.  I am also adopted and have never had any issues or problems.  i was adopted at 2 days old and love my parents and my brothers.  don't know anything different but I had a lovely childhood and am fairly well adjusted as an adult (except I guess I'm naive).  I always looked at adoption as the opposite of abortion in the problem of an unwanted pregnancy....maybe I was wrong????  That's a frightening place for me to go.

Answer 7

As a birth mother I want to share this.

If when I decided to put her up for adoption I had more choices, I might not have chosen adoption.

It was my decision though, I was young, my mom was no help, my boyfriends parents didn't want the scandal. My boyfriend (later husband) was just as scared as I was. He was going to Viet Nam. Back then (1972) we were counceled on how to give your baby up (it's what is best for the child) not on how to keep your baby. The ramifications of adoption has yet to reach it's peak. We were told our baby would be adopted right away (everyone wanted a white baby). Well she wasn't, it took 6 weeks of no bonding because she had a problem with her legs and needed braces. Finally someone took her (of course we didn't know any of this). They were a nice couple, she was the second in thier family. Her adad died when she was 5 and her mom remarried making her the fifth child and only girl, she was molested by a family friend. Her grandparents treated her differently. She hated me because she didn't come out of her mommy's tummy. She was tall with dark hair, her mom was short with blonde hair, she always felt abandoned. How do I know all this, I found her in 2001. She was 29 1/2. We have both been in counseling and that helps. She calls me by my first name and her children do too. Her main question was Why? I don't think any answer is a good one. Next question was Why did we give her away and keep her brother? Well we had gotten married and 5 1/2 years later had our son. I'm rambling, but I wish adoption hadn't been an option. I would not consider abortion. I would have kept her. I lived a lot of years of guilt and shame. I wish I had been stronger. I would never counsel for adoption, not because it's bad but because of my experience.

Answer 8

I post here because I want people to be well informed about adoption. Especially prospective adopted parents or parents that have adopted. They need to be aware that their children may have some issues regarding their adoption. It doesn't mean that their children love them less, it just questions we may have. I feel that all voices should be heard either it be the good side of adoption or the dark side of adoption. Because having only a one-sided view of things can make you a shallow person. I post because it's way of healing to write out my feelings.

Possum---I have come to realize on this place in Yahoo that there will be people that will not want to listen about adoption reform,and the feelings of adoptees that had a bad adoption. I say this because one of these people had my question removed. Calling it abuse!! Mine was the question on why people do not recongize adoptees feelings? Yeah, someone turned me in a violating something. I don't think my question was mean-sprited it was open and honest. It makes me not to ever come back here. So, just like they accuse us of being mean-spirted, they are doing the same thing

Answer 9

I post because I feel that adoption in the US has become out of control. (over 130,000 per year is frightening - compared to under 500 per year in AUS)

I post because I think people need to see the other side of adoption - the side that has remained silent for far too long.

I post because I don't want other children to go through the immense pain that I have felt from being separated from my mother - if it doesn't really need to happen.

I post because I want adoptive parents to do better than my adoptive parents did - in validating adoptee feelings of loss - and by allowing the adoptee to know personally and love all parts of their family - as adoptees have many sides - that is their reality.

I post because I want less adoptees to hear the words - "You should be grateful you weren't aborted and put in the trash" - as I have heard countless times.

I post because I want to help other adoptees that come here looking for help and validation to hear what they want and need to hear - that they are being heard - and that their feelings are totally justified.

I post because I have heard too many first mums say - "I wish someone would have just told me that I COULD parent my child - and given me the confidence to do so" - as so many first parents have regretted their decision to relinquish.

I post because - if at all possible - the best place for a child to be - is with their biological parents - and if that can't happen - then with other bio family members - and if that can't happen - then with adoptive parents - BUT - the adoptive parents need to be fully aware of what they are taking on - not just the happy fluff stories that most adoption agencies sprout.

The child will always be a part of their biological family.

That's a fact.

And often - when adoptive parents try to ignore that fact - it all goes very very wrong.

I post because the adult adoptee voice needs to be heard.

I post because I know far too many damaged adoptees.

Poss. xx

Answer 10

i post here because i am horrific pain and have suffered in silence, as so many others. i want to see reforms in adoption. i would like to see homes built for moms who haven't a support system, but want to keep their children. i want every mom, who chooses, to be able to keep her child. i would like to see mothers who have physical / mental problems, rehabilitated so they can keep their children.

i have been hearing from adoptees and i have been sitting here crying. i had an "open" adoption with some "friends" who cut me out of their lives. from that day on, every single night, since i was told i couldn't see my daughter, i had nightmares. i couldn't escape the pain even in sleep. i finally went out and married so i could get pregnant and get my "baby" back.

i have sent pictures of my son, without any letters, because i don't know what to say to her. how do i say, "i hate your parents. they lied to me and are probably lying to you?" i can't. after reading some of these posts, i wonder, have i hurt her even more by sending these pictures? is she thinking that i didn't love her enough to keep her, but kept my son instead? i never thought about that until just this very moment. i wanted her to see that she has a brother (who knows all about her) and wants to know her. he is young. i am hoping that she will know that one day there is someone here that she is blood related to. i hope one day she will know thru my son that i loved her and wanted her. i hope he will tell her my story, because i don't think she will want to see me.

what do i do? what have i done wrong? how can i make it right for her?

so, i'm just sitting here crying. i feel numb. i feel sorry. i feel dead.

Answer 11

To tell our story; in any group trying to raise awareness of an issue, telling your own story is the best way to do it because it's honest

Answer 12

I am a happy person.  I have had a really great life.  My experience with adoption has not been bad at all really.

I am not bitter or mean or dark.  At least I don't think so.

But still, despite all of the good things that have happened in my life, I always wanted to know who my biological family was.  Why I was given up.  

It was almost like there were two me's all this time.  The me who was happy and well adjusted and then the me who was the sad abandoned little baby.  That person would only really come out whenever I tried to search. So I didn't try to hard.

It was just really sad for me to be relinquished for adoption and not know why.  I think that little abandoned baby I perceived myself to be colored many of my relationships without me even knowing it.

Last December, I told my husband enough was enough.  I needed to resolve what had happened.  i needed to find the truth so that I could be complete.

And a week later, by chance, I found my firstmom on line.  And I discovered the truth about what had happened all those years ago.  And it changed my life.  Some of what I learned was wonderful and validating and some of what I learned was difficult to hear and hard to digest.  But it's my story.  My truth and it has changed me for the better.

Every adoptee has a right to know their own story.  Even if the story is sad or horrifying.  Even if it is ugly.  We have a right to know where we came from.

We cannot stay children forever.  We do not need to be protected from the truth.

I know there are people here who do not want to know that adoptees may feel sadness at being relinquished.  But the truth is that a child being relinquished by his or her mother IS a sad thing.  And for many of us, there is loss involved in being relinquished.  And children of all ages should have the right to process and identify that grief.  

But that grief is only a part of who we are.  Most adoptees I've met online are much more than bitterness, anger and grief.  and most of us just want things to be different for the next generation of adoptees.

And most of us here are not rude or dismissive or sarcastic.  But we're still getting lumped together as angry and mean.  Even when we are not.  Or we are being accused of being fakes... one angry adoptee posing as many.  Now that is just bizarre if you ask me.  Bizarre and totally false and a prime example of pots and kettles.

I am tired of being told my feelings don't count.  I am tired of being labeled as angry or mean just because I don't think adoption is all sunshine and unicorns all the time.  I am sick of being dismissed as just having a bad experience, especially when I didn't.

So that's my two pennies.  And this is why I 'm here.

Answer 13

I post here in hopes of opening minds to the fact that there is a dark side.  My a'parents did the best they knew how, and I still grew up confused and self-loathing. They simply weren't given the tools they needed to raise a kid they didn't give birth to; they were told there was "no difference, just love them."  But there is a difference, and there's nothing wrong with admitting that.

Pointing out bad adoption practice helps everyone.  I wouldn't want to have been stolen or kidnaped.  I wouldn't want to have my baby stolen.  And I wouldn't want to wake up one day  and discover that my beloved child had gotten to me by less than ethical means.  Who would want any of those outcomes?  Nobody.  Then why do we resist admitting they happen, let alone changing them?  We shouldn't, and until we face reality as a society I am gonna keep on keepin on.

Answer 14

I post here because I want the negatives of adoption to be as common knowledge as the positives seem to be.

I post because I want the stereotypes eliminated.

I post because I want to warn pregnant moms that, if they are able to parent, parenting will be a much less traumatic journey than adoption.

I post because I want adoptive parents to think about the ethical issues in adoption.

I post because I want adoptees to know it's normal to not 100% love adoption.

I post because I don't want the system to suck in one more person unnecessarily--and that includes biological moms, adoptees, and adoptive parents. The system uses and plays on all of us.

Answer 15

I post here for all the reasons everyone else has given. Most importantly to me, so that maybe adoptive parents will soften their hearts a bit and actually ponder some of the stuff that is said and in turn be better parents for their children. I would like to see adoptive parents learn how to validate their kids feelings, learn how to talk about adoption with them, learn how to not be intimidated by the love that their kids feel for their natural parents, to open their minds and realize that being an adopted child is not the same as being a bio child. There are key differences that need to be addressed.

I have also volunteered my time to speak to adoptive parents at adoption seminars. I've went up on stage in front of hundreds of PAPs and APs and told my story, answered questions and talked adoption. I don't do it for me or really even them - I do it for their children. Got any idea what it's like for a 5 year old child to look you in the eyes and say "I wish I was never adopted"? I do and boy did I hurt for her. Thing is, these kids don't tell their parents what they feel because they are too dang scared - yes SCARED - that they will be rejected again. So they "play nice" and say what they think their parents want to hear.

Why is it people think being given away by your own mother doesn't have an affect? Just because you get a replacement mother? It just doesn't make sense. Adoptive parents need to educate themselves about these issues in order to be the parents that adoptees need.

Answer 16

I post here because snowwillow20 was told in 1972 that adoption "was best for her child".  In 2007 single mothers are told that adoption "is best for the child".  What's changed about the adoption industry?  Nothing!  Except that in 2007 the industry needs to spend huge sums of money to locate women who will swallow this line and adoptive parents foot the bill.

I post here because those who gain by adoption (adoptive parents and adoption industry) heavily push adoption as win/win/win.  It's not.  It is horrible pain and loss for millions of families.

Answer 17

I post for exactly the reasons you stated.  I, too, had great aparents, however still had feelings of loss, grief and isolation from being adopted.  

Unfortunately, it seems there are a few people here who want us to go somewhere else to share our experiences.

Answer 18

I post here because I feel that the Adoptee's voice should be heard.

There are too many people out there who have never lived adoption attempting to dictate how it feels to be adopted!

I care about the little adoptees and what happens to them in the horribly adopter-led baby market

And it's well worth all the nasty snarky and downright personal attacks I get from a few adopters; because there are some wonderful adoptive parents and potential adoptive parents out there who DO listen and really want to hear from real adoptees so that they can be better parents to their children.  Bottom line - it's the children I care about.

Answer 19

I post here because of all of the reasons stated above, but also because I have spent over ten years researching the effects of mother/infant separation and infant & child development.

The adoption experience is comprised of at least three separate components.  Most often in the news is the experience of being denied the documentation of one's natal history and the opportunity for relationship with the individual's natural family.

Another component of the adoptee experience is the quality and style of parenting which can affect the other components.    It's an extremely important part of the adoptee experience because it carries an enormous amount of weight in the outcome.  It can either lessen or worsen the negative impact.

The component of the adoption experience on which I focus is the prenatal and postnatal (fetus through 18 months old) period.  The scientific findings rarely mention adoption per se, but address infant/maternal separation in the context of prenatal and infant development.

The results of this research have been available to professionals for many years, though the adoption industry in the U.S. has been successful in hiding it from the public.  

The U.K. has only recently (but FINALLY!) publicly acknowledged that infant/maternal separation results in long-term neurological damage - something over which adoptive parents have no control, although they can certainly turn their efforts toward preventing further damage and working with their adopted children to help them manage it.

I feel compelled to share this critical information with expectant mothers, prospective adoptive parents, adoptive parents, and anyone and everyone who is or will ever be involved with infant/maternal separation - whether or not adoption is the ultimate outcome, as this can happen in intact families as well.

We have, for too many decades, disintegrated the mother/child dyad for a variety of reasons, often socially-imposed.  The result, ironically, greatly impacts society through the behaviors of adults who were separated at or near birth - adopted or not.  

Maternal emotional states during pregnancy are also proving to be critical factors in the outcome of children's lives, and is yet another influence that MUST be addressed if we want to reclaim a healthy society.

Although my work is with regard to ALL children, (infant) adoption is the arena in which the damage is an automatic.  If we can make this information common knowledge in adoption circles, hopefully it will spread to others.